penny for your thoughts?

so this is the new year

2011-01-01T18:36:00.001-08:00

Prepare yourself for yet another introspective end-of-the-year blog, as I'm sure everyone you know that blogs has already written one.

Generally speaking, I feel the same way about New Years as I do about birthdays. It's fun to celebrate and make an occasion out of, but I never really feel any differently from one day to the next. I don't think anyone does, because change doesn't really work that way. Of course some things do change rapidly and over night, but when it comes to personal growth and the kind of change you're looking for at the end of the year, it doesn't. That kind of change takes time.

This year, for example, I feel like I've changed A LOT. Much more than I have in past years. A lot of people that were in my life at the beginning of the year aren't anymore. In most cases, I think that was an improvement, even if it left my Friday nights a little lonelier. Some of the people I lost, I'll probably never speak to again. I still miss my Uncle Russ every single day. It's been almost seven months since my family said goodbye to one of the best people I've ever known.

Others I miss more for the social aspect of having someone to do things with more than I actually miss them as people, mainly because they were never very good friends. Some of them I miss every day because they were very good friends for a very long time, but that kind of loss isn't permanent and the new year is potentially the perfect time to reconcile.

Beyond losing friends and family, many other things have changed for me this year. I met and fell in love with someone twice my age, something I never would have expected to happen. We've been together for five months now and I couldn't be happier about it. It's a little stressful being in a relationship that very few people approve of, but luckily, I don't need anyone else's approval to be sure of how I feel about him.

I started working at Taco Bell this year, for my first job ever. Having an income is nice but mostly it just assured me more than ever that fast food is not something I want to make a career out of.

I turned twenty one this year. This hasn't proven to be a hugely life-changing event, but it's something.

My life isn't everything I want it to be right now, but there are a lot of things about that I love. Well, maybe not a lot, but a few. Enough for me to be happy. There are a lot of things I want to change too, and maybe those will be my "resolutions," though I never really worry much about this. I don't think anyone needs the excuse of a new year to want to make changes or goals for their life.

Gandhi once said, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world," but I think it applies to personal change too. Whether it's changing something about yourself or something in your life, you have to make it happen. You can't wait around for things to work out. You have to make things work the way you want them to. In fact, I think THAT will be my resolution this year if I have to have one.

Instead of sitting around and waiting for shit to happen to me, I'm going to make my life the way I want it to be. I'm not going to use the excuse of waiting. If I don't change things for myself, I'll own up to that, but I have goals and ideas and things I want to do with my life and I will work on them. I will work on me.

falling behind

2010-10-26T11:38:00.001-07:00

I feel like I lost the whole weekend. I'm actually kinda thankful to have only gotten three classes this quarter, what with work and trying to see Mike whenever I can too, plus still having stuff to do at home. It's a little hectic. I need to catch up on school stuff - specifically Geography, which I'm sitting in right now lol. I really want to do well this quarter, even if three grades aren't going to do much for my GPA. Progress is progress, no matter how slight.

My bright is too slight to hold back all my dark.

It's been far too long since I updated this blog. I've been posting a lot of mini spiels on Tumblr, which there should be a link for in the sidebar, though it's not like anyone really reads this anymore or ever did. That's beside the point though, because really, this blog is more for me than anyone else. Anything I write is more for my own benefit than yours because I've always been better at expressing myself coherently and saying the things I want to say the way I want to say them when I write them down than when I say them out loud. I'm so inarticulate out loud. I get flustered and embarrassed and awkward and frustrated far too easily and then nothing comes out right. Give me a pen and paper and I'll make a much better impression. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way.

Anyway, things have been a bit crazy. I spend most of my time at school or work, some at home, and a little bit with Mike. Not nearly as much as I'd like but we both have busy schedules and too many things to do, especially lately. It still upsets me a little that so many people have such a hard time comprehending our relationship because of the stigma attached to large age differences. His age literally hasn't bothered me since the first few times we met in August. The only time I think about it now is when other people bring it up. I really haven't discussed it explicitly with many people, simply because I assume they will react a certain way.

The weather is beautiful today. I'm sitting in the Japanese garden at school now, killing time before my next class. I have a paper to write and a sandwich to eat so I think I'll do that and enjoy the crisp, clear day and try not to think about all the things that need to be thought about or done or planned out. Not yet anyway.

teen angst poetry.

2010-06-19T18:51:00.000-07:00

Clink goes the bottle, into the recycling bin.
Clink, as it falls in amongst its friends.
Clink as he downs another beer, and another, and another.
Clink, clink, clink.

"burning out his fuse up there alone"

2010-06-07T00:07:00.000-07:00

Just a few days ago, on June 2nd to be exact, my Uncle Russ was taken off of life support and left this world to be in a better place. Last Monday he suffered from an aortic aneurysm which caused a stroke and led to his death. He was in the hospital for a few days but complications from both of those events just put too much pressure on his brain and his body couldn't handle it. Words cannot begin to describe how much he will be missed and what a terrible loss this is for my family, because he was the most incredible man. I've learned more about him in the past week than I had ever really known, and it makes me sad to know how many people are going to miss out on knowing him.

He was a really hard-working person, even when he was a kid. Once he set his mind to something, he wouldn't give up on it until he got it done. He was always really proud of his work and loved to be productive.

He was a really funny person, always laughing and trying to make others laugh too. Literally every picture that I've seen of him in the past week shows him with a huge grin on his face. He was always smiling and laughing and that's exactly how I'm going to remember him. He was incredibly kind, and always first in line to help other people out. My mom and his brothers have both said this week that he would give you the shirt off his back even if he couldn't afford to do so. Whenever anyone in our family was in need of a helping hand, he was always the first person there. He was insanely generous.

He was a wonderful father. He had three daughters whom he would have done anything in the world for, and basically did. He and his youngest daughter were very close, as he was with a lot of people. One of his friends from work spoke at his funeral today and said something about Russ having more best friends than anyone he knew, and that most of them were in his family. He was constantly giving and never asked for anything in return. He lived to make other people happy.

Next month my family is going to scatter his ashes near Lake Havasu in Arizona because his favorite place to be was out on the water in his boat with the people he loved most. I miss him so much already. I've even been considering memorial tattoo ideas, though I don't know when I'll have the money to get one. We'll see.

"maybe that's all family really is..."

2010-06-06T23:44:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to write a blog about the concept of "home" for a while now, but a lot has gone on in the last ten days or so and I've gotten sidetracked. I'm really not even running on full steam or whatever right now either, but I want to write. I need to write. That's just the mood I'm in I suppose.

Two years ago, just after graduating high school, I moved with my parents into my grandmother's house. We'd inherited it after her death in 2007 and had been deciding between renting it out or moving in ourselves, and eventually my parents chose the latter. So we packed all our things and moved out of the house I'd done most of my growing up in. I had lived in three houses total at that point, but the most significant parts of my life before moving had occurred while I lived there. Looking back, I feel like it was my first "home."

Since then, for the last two years, we've lived in Moreno Valley. It's taken almost that long for me to make any friends that actually live out here, and I still often drive back to Orange County to see old friends and to stay at Ashley's whenever she's in town. Driving back to Orange County, specifically back to Tustin, has always felt like driving home. Or at least, it has until very recently.

There's a particular exit that has always felt familiar to me; it's the exit I always took on my way back home from Ashley's house when I still lived in Tustin. I haven't had to use it much in the last two years, obviously, but I was with her last week and we happened to drive that way and for the first time, it didn't feel familiar. It didn't feel like I was driving home anymore. It felt like any other exit on any freeway in any town. Any ownership I had previously felt, any familiarity, was gone. It was the strangest feeling, but it made me realize that Tustin is no longer home to me. It also made me realize that I'm really not sure where home is anymore.

The movie Garden State has a scene in which the two main characters discuss the concept of home and I feel that their conversation is particularly relevant to what I am trying to describe. Zach Braff's character, Andrew Largeman, has returned home to New Jersey for his mother's funeral, but he doesn't feel at home in the house he grew up in anymore. Sam, Natalie Portman's character, claims to still feel at home in her house and Andrew says,

"You'll see one day when you move out it just sort of happens one day and it's gone. You feel like you can never get it back. It's like you feel homesick for a place that doesn't even exist. Maybe it's like this rite of passage, you know. You won't ever have this feeling again until you create a new idea of home for yourself, you know, for your kids, for the family you start, it's like a cycle or something. I don't know, but I miss the idea of it, you know. Maybe that's all family really is, a group of people that miss the same imaginary place."

I've always loved that scene and that last line, and I think in a way it describes exactly what I've been feeling. I haven't yet begun to feel specifically "at home" in Moreno Valley, even after two years of living here. I know this is my house, this is where I live, and this is where my family is, but I don't really feel like this is home. I also know that I no longer feel like Tustin is home either. Right now, I'm not sure where home is, but I do know where my family is. And maybe that's what family is for me.

"just go to the record store and visit your friends"

2010-05-28T23:17:00.000-07:00

Music is such a crazy, magical thing. I watched August Rush tonight for the second or third time, and while I admit it's a totally unrealistic and fairly cheesy movie, I still enjoy it. There's a scene when Freddie Highmore and Jonathan Rhys Meyers meet in Washington Square Park and play guitar together, not realizing they are related. Freddie, as August/Evan, tells Louis (Meyers) about the concert he's meant to perform at and that he can't attend because something bad will happen. Louis says to him, "You never quit on your music. No matter what happens. Cuz anytime something bad happens to you, that's the one place you can escape to and just let it go." Though it's been said many times before, and perhaps with a bit more eloquence, Louis has got the right idea.

Music is one of the few things that almost always helps pull me out of a bad mood. Maybe not every single time, but it helps more consistently than anything else does. Music is the ultimate distraction, and probably the healthiest. When you have a heavy heart or a clouded mind, music can clear that up. You focus on the notes and chords and vocals and lyrics, and you forget whatever problems might be plaguing you, at least for the length of a song or album or live set. It offers the easiest escape without even having to leave wherever you are. Music will never let you down the way people can.

I've often wished I knew more about the theory of music - the keys and scales and all the things you're supposed to learn first. I know a handful of chords, and small parts of various songs that I like, and I can hold a tune pretty well, but I'm no musical prodigy. When I see movies like this, or meet people who have a true talent, it always makes me want to play more. People that can create music have such a beautiful thing going for them. Not only are you putting a part of yourself into some song, but you're creating the very escape that people are searching for when they listen to music. Maybe that's why people are so in love with certain bands, because they have so much appreciation for whatever that group's music has been able to help them through.

In the movie Almost Famous, Fairuza Balk's character complains to Russell Hammond (Billy Crudup) about the tour's latest groupies and says, "They don't even know what it is to be a fan. Y'know? To truly love some silly little piece of music, or some band, so much that it hurts." And that's exactly what it is- loving that band or that piece of music because it's the one thing you can turn to when no other answers are in sight. You can always turn to music.

Post Secret

2010-05-26T22:56:00.001-07:00

I used to read PostSecret (here) every week to catch the new secrets and save the ones that moved me most. I probably have hundreds of secrets saved on various hard drives. I was always so disappointed if I forgot to check one week and missed out on new postcards. (There are no archives.) I haven't been keeping up with it at all for some time now, and I'd like to say that it's because I don't need it anymore, but I'm not sure that's true.

Frank Warren started PostSecret in 2005, asking strangers to mail their secrets to him in creative ways and letting him choose which ones to post online. Since then, five books full of selected secrets have been published, the first of which I own. I always put them on my Christmas list but books are less common presents in my house for some reason. I've always thought that Frank Warren's project was such a beautiful idea. I've only mailed in one or two of my own, but like many others, I've chosen to distribute mine on my own. On my eighteenth birthday, my best friend and I made a few secrets and took them to music and book stores, hiding them in the shelves near our favorite books and cds. It's a very liberating thing, putting some personal part of your life on paper and out into the world for someone else to find. It can even be therapeutic, if done for the right reasons.

For example, if you submit something to PostSecret just to see your creation online, you'd be better off getting a blog. At this point, Frank Warren probably gets more mail than he can read in a week so the likelihood of your secret showing up online isn't very high. But internet celebrity is not the point of this project. The purpose is to free yourself from whatever might be holding you back, and if that's all you need, leaving a secret for someone else to find is just as effective as mailing one in.

catching up

2010-05-26T17:06:00.000-07:00

Once again, it's been far too long since I've written something new. I know why I go so long in between but I also know that if I'm ever going to get better at writing, I have to keep doing it. I just need to write, all the time, about anything at all. I've had a few ideas lately just to get myself started. I should have plenty to write about, since it's been at least a few months since my last little life update, but writing about things I've done always turns out too much like a list and I don't like that.

Just in case anyone is really interested, I'm about to finish up my second year of school. I have three class days left and two days of finals and then it's summer. I've had a ton of dental appointments lately, which has been awful, but I'm almost all done with those. I do have to have my wisdom teeth looked at soon though. I went to Magic Mountain with my brother last week and lost my cell phone, so now I'm using my mom's old phone and you wouldn't believe how inconvenient that is. That's one of things I might like to write about actually - cell phone/technology dependency.

I was talking to a friend the other week and he suggested writing about things that I could research. That's probably a better idea than constantly writing about my own thoughts and feelings, at least for journalism practice, which is exactly what I need. I really need to talk to someone about writing for the paper at my school, but I'm nervous about it too. It's been two years since I wrote anything like that. Eek.

As for now, I'm too frustrated and distracted to get into that right away. I'm waiting on an email about an interview assignment for one of my communications classes. I emailed someone I know who runs a music review website a few days ago. I sent him a handful of questions that would literally take a few minutes to answer, but he hasn't responded yet. He told me Monday that he'd get to it that night and apologized for the delay, but it's Wednesday evening now and still no email. You can imagine my annoyance. This assignment is due tomorrow and he expressed interest in being my subject, but now I have to worry about getting it done because he hasn't gotten around to answering a few simple questions. Sigh.

Other than that, I believe I have one big group project (a presentation and a group paper) and my finals to get through. My best friend is home for the summer and I've already seen her once. My cousin is having a baby shower next weekend that I'll be attending with my mom. Hopefully I'll be finding a job this summer, and if not, I'll be volunteering.

See what I meant about the list thing? Life updates are silly.

i'm not afraid to watch you change me

2010-01-28T15:16:00.000-08:00

I had an idea a few weeks back to write a blog about resolutions and change, and I even started it, but never finished. Go figure.

Mindy White, of the band Lydia, posted something on Tumblr a while back that gave me the idea. She posted a quote from Martin Luther King, which read, “Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” After the quote she added, "2010. time for turning over a new leaf. actually, more like turning over an entire new tree. it's a year of changes."

For the past few years, since I've really been mature enough to care about bettering myself, the only resolutions I've made have always been about being more outgoing and making more friends. The one thing I'd love to change most about myself is how shy I am. I'm fine with talking to people as long as they initiate conversations, but it's incredibly difficult for me to approach anyone on my own. Whether they're just potential friends or people I'm attracted to, it terrifies me to make the first move for some reason. Or it has until now.

This past New Year's Eve was the first in a while that I gave no thought whatsoever to making a resolution. Personally, I don't think NYE is the only time you should worry about changing for the better, and shouldn't be an excuse to start changing, but that's beside the point. Within the past few months, I've also finally started to reach my breaking point in the sense that I'm tired of being lonely all the time and never making new friends. I've finally started hanging out with some people that live near me, and I've started being a little more outgoing and straightforward with the people I want to be around. I've probably made more friends at school this quarter than I have in my entire time at Cal Poly. Whether they last after my current classes end or not, I like to think that's a pretty damn good start.

In a sense, I guess I'm just proud of myself, but I think my favorite part about all of this is that when I finally stopped "planning" to change, I finally started changing. It's not always about planning everything out to the last detail. Sometimes you just have to go after what you want, even if you're not certain you'll get it. You might surprise yourself.

2010-01-25T11:25:00.001-08:00

I woke up really early this morning to a horrible dream. I think it was around four or four thirty, about two hours before I normally wake up on school days right now, and I've been trying not to think about said dream so the details are a bit fuzzy now, seven hours later. It was essentially about my family finally falling apart, but all the details and causes were left unknown to me. In the dream, it seemed so sudden. It was like out of nowhere, my mom was packing up to leave and nobody would tell me why. I felt like a child having something torn away from me with no explanation and it terrified me so much. I was surprised I didn't wake up crying, to be honest. In a way, it was like the worst possible dream I could have.

I often feel that if the morning starts off badly, the rest of the day can't get any better. Today was strange though, because for everything that went wrong, I kept noticing things that were good. I woke up with a horrible dream, but the drive to school was gorgeous because of the weather clearing and the snow on the mountains and things of that nature. I had gas issues on my way out, but I kept hearing songs I loved on the radio in the morning, which rarely happens. It was like something or someone was trying to prove some perfect balance to me.

I don't really consider myself a religious person, but days like today make me wonder. Though, I must admit, I'm still in a pretty poor mood and I don't want to be here at all. Hopefully more random good things will happen before my day is over.

i always kinda sorta wished i was someone else

2010-01-17T17:21:00.000-08:00

Rejection is pretty unpleasant, no matter how sound the logic behind it. I haven't specifically avoided crushes or anything, but I really haven't had too many since early high school, and I've been realizing lately how lucky I am for that. My last and only serious relationship was towards the end of my senior year, and since then I've only really liked one person, but I've liked him for years anyway so that's not quite the same. Recently I started hanging out with a boy that I met through a friend and he turned out to be the first person I'd liked that lived near me in a very long time, so you can imagine my excitement.

However, excitement quickly turned to frustration when I got to know him better and found that he was highly cynical and extremely jaded to the point that he literally believes he's never going to love again. This made me wary about telling him that I liked him, something I've never really been able to do before anyway. But I still wanted to tell him, because lately I've noticed that I'm finally at a point in my life where I'm tired of being shy and alone and I just want to tell people what I think or feel, even if they don't reciprocate. This is all that's been on my mind the last few weeks; wanting to tell him and knowing that I'd have the guts to do so, but being unsure about whether I should because I basically knew he wasn't going to reciprocate.

Last night he had a party that started, for him, early in the day and ended with him being very intoxicated and kissing me, which I obviously wasn't going to protest. We kissed quite a few times, but I'm not one to sleep with someone just because I can, so it went no further than that. I was also still pretty sure he was only acting that way because he was drunk, so I didn't want to get too ahead of myself. Talking to him this morning turned out to be more awkward than I'd hoped for or expected so later in the day I decided "to hell with it" and just texted him asking if he was interested at all or everything happened had just been an effect of the alcohol.

Essentially he told me that he would rather stay friends because he knows himself and believes that it would or could be good for a while, but then it would just go downhill and he didn't want to end up not being friends later on. Personally I thought this just sounded like an excuse not to take a chance but I guess I can't do anything to change his mind, so there's no point in making a fuss over it. I was disappointed and frustrated, of course, but I've had all day to stew over it and I'd rather just wait it out and see what happens, if anything, or just keep hanging out and chatting.

At least I can say I'm proud of myself for being straightforward and open and honest about the way I feel, because waiting around for other people to do the same is a pain in the ass. So even if it didn't get me anywhere with him necessarily, it was progress for me all the same.

2010-01-05T16:04:00.000-08:00

Jesus Christ, that's a pretty face
The kind you'd find on someone that could save
If they don't put me away
It’ll be a miracle

Do you believe you're missing out?
That everything good is happening somewhere else
But with nobody in your bed
The night is hard to get through

And I will die all alone
And when I arrive I won’t know anyone

Well, Jesus Christ, I’m alone again
So what did you do those three days you were dead?
Because this problem's gonna last
More than the weekend

Well, Jesus Christ I’m not scared to die
I’m a little bit scared of what comes after
Do I get the gold chariot
Do I float through the ceiling

Do I divide and fall apart
Cause my bright is too slight to hold back all my dark
This ship went down in sight of land
And at the gates does Thomas ask to see my hands?

2010-01-05T01:00:00.000-08:00

There's something I want to say to someone, but I'm not sure I'll get the response I'd like and I'm afraid that if I don't, things will just be awkward. It's not vitally important for this something to be known, but I kind of feel like it would just be better to be open about it anyway. Because it's there, in my head, and I feel like it needs to be out in the air.

Maybe I'll say it tomorrow.

there's more to living than being alive

2010-01-03T23:44:00.000-08:00

I want to write a long, articulate blog about the great conversation I had tonight because it made me think and wonder and I'll probably be up a while continuing to do both of those, but I have school in the morning and I need to be up in a little over five hours so I should probably try to get all the sleep I can.

To remind myself not to forget: Why are we here? Why do we do the things we do? What's the point? If we're all going to die anyway and eventually no one will remember you or the things you did, what's the point? What makes life worth living?

i'm a goddamn piece of work.

2009-12-17T00:58:00.000-08:00

We talked today, for the first time in quite a while. I’ve decided not to tell him that I miss him, because if I mess with his head anymore or even chance the possibility of hurting him again, I will hate myself so much. But I did apologize, again, for everything I’d ever put him through. So he called and asked if I was okay. Ha.

We talked a while about random things and then he had to go. Said he’d call me back. Didn’t. Probably better that way. I don’t like not talking to him but I’m terrified that if we keep it up, we’ll just end up the same way we did twice before and I’ll hurt him again just like I did twice before. The repetition is pretty pathetic. It’s so cyclical. I’d love to believe that we can just be friends without falling into the same cycle, but I wouldn’t bet on me.

I drove to LAX tonight to pick up my brother. I hadn’t been since I went to pick HIM up, last year in May. I sat in my car with the engine off, just gripping the wheel and trying not to sob. I miss everything we had so much, up until the part where it wasn’t enough anymore. I was so fucking happy up until he had to leave again. That night at the airport was the single most heartbreaking night of my life thus far. That night is why I hate being at airports now. They overwhelm me.

When I pulled in to park, there was a couple standing by the car opposite me, making out. I wondered who had returned from being away and what the rest of their night would hold, and then I hated them. I envied them and I couldn’t look away. I felt disgusted at myself. Envy is such an ugly trait.

I talked to someone about some of this today. I wish I’d saved the conversation, because some of what he said really helped. I know it’s only been a year and a half, so to think that I’ll never get over it seems dramatic, but I do worry that I’ll never stop missing what we had. Especially because it didn’t end as an effect of some conflict. It only ended because I couldn’t handle not knowing how things would turn out. I couldn’t handle the uncertainty, so I broke his heart.

And now I can’t stop thinking about how something someone else said came completely true. Because he wasn’t the first. A girl I knew said she pitied me once because I was missing out on something by having my first love focused on someone far away. It’s almost funny how right she was, just about the wrong person.

I wish I could turn off my brain sometimes.

all i want for christmas is you

2009-11-28T23:43:00.000-08:00

The holidays can be a pretty lonely time.

lord knows i could use a warm kiss instead of a cold goodbye

2009-11-26T21:15:00.000-08:00

I am so sore right now, it's actually pretty ridiculous. The last few days have been so busy. I always laugh at the way we prepare to have people over, like it's important to appear to be like neat freaks even if we aren't, and even if our guests probably aren't either, but it really does pay off. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but our house looks damn good right now. I spent hours mopping and hand drying all the tile floors and I can definitely feel it in my legs right now.

I try to make a point of being extra helpful and cooperative around holidays. I also try to make a point of not showing my frustration when I inevitably start to get tired of being helpful and cooperative. I think I held up pretty well today. We only had a few people over, so it wasn't as stressful as it easily could have been, but it was busy enough. I helped a lot with the food preparations and cleaning up after dinner and then just sort of hung out with my uncles and my brother. Having just a few people over was quite nice actually, though I'm definitely looking forward to seeing everyone all at the same time for Christmas. We only see everyone a few times a year, so it's always really good when we do. I wish I saw my family more often.

Anyway. Happy Thanksgiving. I hope everyone had a nice day. I'm thankful for silly holidays that create an excuse to get together with family members you don't see often enough and eat a lot of really delicious food with all the best homemade recipes. :)

"they work until they don't"

2009-11-03T15:04:00.000-08:00

Currently stuck in my head: (If You're Wondering if I Want You To) I Want You To" by Weezer. It seems fitting for what I want to write about, so we'll go with that.

So I'm having a conversation with my new friend James about relationships and why good people are single, et cetera et cetera, and it made me want to write about.. all of that. This will probably be a very jumpy blog because I have so many ideas about these subjects running around in my head and I'm not sure just how to order them.

First of all, I feel like it's important to explain this irritating little problem I have. I'm a very shy, introverted kind of person, so I rarely meet people on my own. I've lived in the city I live in for over a year and the only person I've ever met that lives in that city (other than my own neighbors) was someone that a friend of mine was dating. We only met once and I've never spoken to her since. Because I don't know anybody where I live, and because most of the people I do know and know well enough to want to hang out with live too far away to do so, I spend a lot of time at home. I spend a lot of time on the internet. This is good and bad. Because of certain internet sites, I've made friends with people who have literally changed my life. I've become friends with people who have changed the way I think about things and the way I think about myself. I've made friends with people who have become so much more than that to me. For this, I am more grateful than I could ever explain.

But it's also a very problematic habit, because after some time, you become really tired of having friends that you can never hang out with, that you can never hug when they're comforting you or take a walk with when you're bored and just want to get out of the house. It becomes somewhat depressing when you get to the point that you depend on your internet friends for all your social interaction because, as wonderful as they can be, that's not necessarily enough.

In addition to this first issue, I have another! It takes me so little to start liking someone. If you're a nice person, remotely funny, charming in any capacity, blah blah you get the idea, and we start to talk regularly, I'll probably like you. I'm not even kidding. That's literally all it takes. And because so many of the friends that I meet lately are people that live in other locations, you can see why these two problems would not mesh well.

While I have grown to like many people in this fashion, for the last year and a half or so, I've never let myself act on it because both times that I did do anything about it in the past never worked out well. Because of that, and ignoring the fact that I fall for people with ridiculous ease, I tend to think of relationships with a slightly cynical view, only I like to call it being realistic because being a cynic is usually not a good thing. When you think about it logically though, as displeasing as it is to admit, most relationships do not last forever. Most relationships will end in a break-up. If I wanted to be really cynical, I could ask what the point of pursuing relationships at all is when their failure seems so sure, but I don't like that question, so I won't.

I like to think of myself as a realist/cynic, but that really only works in theory. I still love the idea of falling in love and some part of me wants to get married and have a family, but sometimes I wonder if that's just because I've been conditioned by the media to believe in some ideal that might not really exist. Obviously we all know people who have happy families, but many of us know firsthand that not everyone has that picture-perfect situation either. I've heard a few people lately talk about the idea that "true love" is just a fictional, manufactured concept, and that's not really something I'd like to believe, but it's hard to not to consider at the same time.

Relationships are never perfect. If your relationship is perfect, you're probably bored. They almost always end. Very few last forever. If you can make an imperfect relationship last, you've got something to be proud of. I don't believe in the idea of soulmates or love at first sight, but I do believe in fighting for the people you care about, whether they're just friends or something more, because without them, we are so much less. Without our friends, our family, our loved ones, we are so much less than what we could be.

So if you're falling for someone or if you've met someone you think you could fall for, and you're second-guessing whether or not it would be a good idea to.. stop thinking. And fall. I feel like I need to take my own advice and apply it to everything in my life. I think too much and I let it stop me from DOING anything. I over analyze every situation to the point that I can't even take opportunities that probably won't even have a huge impact on my life. Or maybe they would, but I never find out because I'm too afraid to take them. And that's no way to live.

2009-10-23T21:15:00.000-07:00

How did I let this happen? Why did I let my life become this way?

just a reminder

2009-10-18T12:53:00.001-07:00

"Today I discovered that happiness is not something we find, it's something we create. This is my first step toward recovery."

I love Post Secret, and I think Frank Warren is a genius.

Today, remember to be happy.

take what you want from me, i can't think anymore

2009-10-13T20:38:00.000-07:00

This sounds a lot like something I would think or say, but I feel like I'd never be able to write it as eloquently as this. I wish I could write like this. It's not even that complex or anything, but this is the kind of writing I tend to love, the kind that makes you want to read more because it sounds like something you could relate to perfectly. It's not the kind of writing that goes over your head in the first few sentences, and I like that. I feel like I constantly write about the same things and it's all too casual and boring and repetitive. I think I need inspiration. Having things to do and places to go and people to see would probably help immensely. I think I'm going to look around for a job this weekend. It's been a while since I actually went out and physically looked and I'm really hoping I'll be able to at least pick up something seasonal.

All I know is I need a change.

the days will pass you by, don't wait

2009-10-12T17:07:00.000-07:00

Songs for today: "Wake Up" by The Arcade Fire and "Don't Wait" by Dashboard Confessional. I'm working on playing both of these within the last few days and I can't stop listening to either of them. The music for both of them is just incredibly emotional and somewhat uplifting I think.

I wish I could just play music all the time. My fingers are finally starting to grow little baby calluses, which excites me greatly. I want to learn so much more. I wish I'd started early.

I have a lot of Shakespeare reading to do today and I've found that reading it out loud helps me stay focused and understand it a lot more easily. Also important to note: the weather outside is perfect for sitting inside and reading as well as listening to music. I'll be playing a lot more Dashboard for the rest of the evening. Fall is finally here. :)

it's a beautiful thing when you love somebody

2009-10-11T23:42:00.000-07:00

It's been an interesting weekend. I spent the last few days house-sitting/dog-watching for one of my mom's bookkeeping clients, so basically I got paid to hang out in their house and let the dogs out every few hours to pee. Not a bad deal at all. The dogs I was watching were slightly neurotic and I didn't get a lot of sleep while I was there, but it was a decent weekend nonetheless. Plus, when I got home tonight, my mom was finally home from Arizona too, so that was like an added bonus. She's been helping her mom out after a recent car accident and heart surgery, but it's been weird having her away from home so much.

I'm too tired to focus on writing anything interesting or intelligible right now. In other news, though I'm not generally one to make Album of the Year lists or anything of the sort, if I were to make one, Aim and Ignite by fun. would definitely be high up on it. As would Brand New's Daisy. Oh, and The Dangerous Summer and Relient K's new albums as well. Other than those, I honestly don't remember what else came out this year, which is why I never make these lists.

I keep telling myself I'm going to write more and then whenever I open up a new post, my mind blanks entirely on what to write. I need to take a writing class so bad. I'm absolutely going to look into that next quarter. I also really want to take some introductory music classes. I'm glad that Music Appreciation has turned out to be helpful in some basic music theory as well, because I really want to keep up with my guitar-playing and learn a lot more too. I'd love to take some kind of piano class, either at CPP or maybe the local community college. There are too many amazing musical instruments that I'd love to learn but I think I'll stick with guitar and piano first. :)

i just need someone to love

2009-10-09T19:15:00.000-07:00

It feels so weird to be in this house again, and especially to be in it alone. It feels so empty, so wrong. Every turn I take leads me into a different memory of you and I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to handle it without breaking down constantly. But I haven't yet. I guess that's something to be proud of.

in your eyes, i am complete.

2009-08-03T17:09:00.000-07:00

It's been quite some time since I last blogged, or it feels like it has. I think it's only been a few weeks, but I feel like a lot has happened in that time. I can't actually write about all of it because a lot of it is personal information that should not be shared on the internet, so I think I'm going to start writing in my actual journal again. It's been much longer since I updated that than it has since I blogged, and I've always enjoyed physical writing just as much as I have typing.

If nothing else, I can tell anyone reading what I've been up to lately. I stayed at Ashley's house for almost a week and did lots of fun summer things. She had some family visiting so we all went to the beach one day and had a nice little barbecue dinner at her Grandma's house another. She and her cousins and uncle and sister went to Disneyland one day and I spent a lot of time trying to find people to hang out with while she was gone. I helped my mom out at her work, visited my friend Alan at his band's practice space and had TGIFriday's with Jason. Eventually I had to come back home, which wasn't as bad as I had been worried about. I don't know if I mentioned it before, but I re-painted my bathroom recently and we also bought some new fixtures for it like a new mirror, a new cabinet for over the toilet, new lighting, and some smaller things like a towel bar and toilet paper holder. It looks really nice now, almost like a bathroom in a catalog. I'll have to take some updated photos now that it's practically finished.

Right now I'm listening to a mix cd my dad made in 2000, when I was ten years old. It's very nostalgic because it's full of songs that I can remember listening to with him all the time. This is literally the music I grew up on, at least until I started listening to pop instead. Luckily that phase only lasted a few years until I got into 90s alternative bands and more rock. This mix has a lot of really great songs on it though. I left a few out, but this is what I kept in my iTunes:

I would strongly recommend checking out any and all of these songs if you've never heard them. I hope anyone reading is having a great summer and enjoying whatever weather you have. I'm sure I'd trade you in a second. (Sorry the picture came out so blurry.)

i need the smell of summer

2009-07-21T15:41:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to worry that summer isn't going to turn out at all like I'd hoped it would. It's been exactly what I expected so far - hot and boring, but I was hoping that after this past weekend it would be wonderful, mostly because Ashley is back. This weekend was supposed to be especially epic, and it was for the most part, but along with epic adventures came some possibly bad news.

It all started Saturday with the world's hottest drive to LA to see Brand New play a sold out show at the Troubadour. You can not even begin to imagine how excited and anxious I was for that show. Waiting two hours outside the venue felt like an eternity. Watching the guys walk by while hardly anyone noticed was hilarious, especially because the people behind us talked about how stupid they felt for the next hour. "We fucked up so bad! I can't believe no one said Hi!" That was highly amusing. Knowing a girl in line from AP got me way close to the stage which was super nice, but the high temperature combined with the crowded room and my weak body led to me feeling sick after the first few songs. I literally thought I was going to pass out or throw up or something. I had to lean on a speaker for a while just to stop being dizzy and eventually I had to head for the bathroom and give up my spot in front of the stage. I enjoyed the rest of the show from the back of the crowd, which was still fine, but I hated that I'd had to move at all, especially during Brand New, especially in a small venue.

After the show was over I almost got lost on my way back to the 101 but eventually made my way to Ashley's house to stay a few nights. Kelvin was there and I hadn't seen him in ages, so it was fun catching up and sitting around in Ashley's room. He left and we stayed up late talking and listening to music until we finally fell asleep. Totally missed the alarm Sunday morning but not by too much. We got semi-lost on our way to CDM but made a cute new friend so that was nice. Ended up being an hour late to the beach but we got to see some old friends and tan a little before heading to a ridiculously nice pool elsewhere. I prefer pools to the ocean for swimming, hands down. No contest. I love the beach, but pools are wonderful.

We also got Chipotle and drove around listening to hip hop for a while. Chuck is hilarious and probably the most friendly and outgoing person I've ever met, next to Vick. He's also way cute and apparently thinks the same of me. :D Later he and Ashley and I went to see I Love You, Man at a three dollar theater before calling it a night. Ashley and I were pretty much exhausted at that point so we grabbed some In n Out and went back to her house.

Sunday we met up with my mom, dropped my car off for standard servicing and went to see Harry Potter. If I'd read the book more recently, I'm sure much of the movie would have annoyed me but I enjoyed it a lot, especially the part when Harry was high on liquid luck. Amazing. We picked my car up after it was over and found out that my axle is getting worn out or something, which could mean less driving for me. I don't know how that's supposed to work out when I go back to school in September, but I really don't want to miss out on as many visits with Ashley as I can fit in while she's here either. That news definitely put a damper on my day but a little frozen yogurt makes for a nice pick-me-up, so all was well. We hung out with Jason for a little while too and then spent almost four hours trying to find something to do for the rest of the night until I had to go home. Somehow, the fifteen or so people we tried to get in touch with must have been really busy (or just ignoring us) on a Monday night of all nights, but we finally heard back from Isaac just before we were ready to give up and head back to Ashley's. Sweet hangs ensued and I drove home around two.

Overall, I'd say the good outweighed the bad this weekend, but I'm also worried that the bad parts will be a foreshadowing for the rest of my summer. I really don't want that to be true.

from the corner of his eye

2009-07-09T00:12:00.000-07:00

Anyone who's read enough Dean Koontz books most likely knows that once you've read a few, you've pretty much read them all. He's a great writer and his books are all interesting and easy to follow, but they all follow pretty similar plotlines and his style really doesn't vary all that much from one story to the next. All that aside, From the Corner of His Eye is one of my all time favorite books.

I've read a handful of Koontz's books, none that I can remember all too clearly except for the first one I read, The Door to December, and, of course, From the Corner because I've read it so many times now. I just finished for at least the fourth time, possibly the fifth. It is still somewhat similar to his other books, especially considering the multiple story lines of different characters that all eventually become tied together in some way, showing the interconnectedness of all things, and especially considering the underlying theme of some supernatural powers at work in the universe, but there's something about this book that gets me so involved in the lives of every character each time I read it, and all the similarities between this and his other novels just fade away.

I think two signs of a really good book are 1) not wanting to put it down and 2) taking away some deeper meaning from the story even after you finished reading. The paranormal aspect of this book is really somewhat comforting in some ways, though it's a little bit eerie in some as well. There's a quote I want to type out that may help explain it a little better than I could in my own words.

"Your father is gone from here, gone forever, but he still lives in other worlds. This isn't a statement of faith alone. If Albert Einstein were still alive and standing here, he'd tell you that it's true. Your father is with you in many places, and so is Phimie. In many places, she didn't die in childbirth. In some worlds, she was never raped, her life never blighted. But there's an irony in that, isn't there? Because in those worlds, Angel doesn't exist- yet Angel is a miracle and a blessing. So when you're lying in bed tonight, kept awake by grief, don't think just about what you've lost with your father and Phimie. Think about what you have in this world that you've never known in some others-Angel. Whether God's a Catholic, a Baptist, a Jew, a Muslim, or a quantum mechanic, He gives us compensation for our pain, compensation right here in this world, not just in those parallel to it and not just in some afterlife. Always compensation for the pain... if we recognize it when we see it."

This idea of multiple worlds resulting from every decision we make comes up a lot earlier in the novel in the form of a young boy, Bartholomew Lampion. He turns out to be really smart at a very young age so he tries to explain this idea to his mother a few times throughout the book, but the most clear conversation comes when he's three and they find out his eyes must be removed because of a fast-spreading cancer.

"But what I've been wondering... when you talk about all the ways things are... is there someplace where you don't have this problem with your eyes?"
"Sure. That's how it works with everything. Everything that can happen does happen, and each different way of happening makes a whole new place."

I remember this idea being explored in an episode of an old Disney show, So Weird, once too. In the show, two worlds resulting from a simple decision basically collided and the effects were problematic for the main character because there were two of her running around trying to live the same life. It was essentially the same idea, though - every choice we make results in a separate world, and all these different realities exist together, in the same place and time. Every different possible life goes on at once, and in some of them we are far better or worse off than we are in the life we know now. In some, we are less fortunate and our lives are riddled with trials and tragedies and perhaps in others, we are blessed with every thing we could ever possibly need. In others still, our lives might not be all that different than the ones we know. It's a new and different way of looking at life and knowing that things are never what they seem.

The book in general is really quite compelling and uplifting in many ways. As most books do, it has a happy ending, despite all the death and loss that occurs throughout the story. The bad guy gets what he deserves and good ultimately prevails. Almost all the main characters come together in the end, despite their different lives, and become one big happy family. It's a really nice story, and definitely a book I would recommend to just about anyone.

The only other quote I wanted to bring up actually reminded me of a different post I wrote a few weeks back, after watching Into the Wild again. After his wife dies, another character, Paul Damascus, starts walking up the coast of California, just because. It's slightly reminiscent of Forrest Gump's run across the country, to be honest. Anyway, some of the description reminded me of Christopher McCandless' travels so I thought I'd throw that in, too.

"He traveled prairies and mountains and valleys, passed fields rich in every imaginable crop, crossed great forests and wide rivers. He walked in fierce storms when thunder crushed the sky and lightning tore it, walked in wind that skinned the bare earth and sheared green tresses from trees, and walked also in sun-scrubbed days as blue and clean as ever there had been in Eden."

I want to see the world so badly.

lyrics

2009-07-07T14:19:00.000-07:00

"Time Like a Ghost" by Races to April

I'm lying awake and I feel you breathing, asleep and dreaming next to me
We're lost without the formula for comfort we've invested in
As time flies like a ghost, like ribbons of smoke floating weightless and blue
In this room, where there's nothing to remind me of me without you

So put your hands where I can see
Something doesn't feel right, like you're feeding me a line
Cause I swear I've heard this somewhere before
I'll swallow every word between your lips
But if you're just lying through your teeth,
Maybe you're right and we knew it all along
We're better off alone

Bands of light of the morning through the blinds are there to wake me when
I can never miss you more than when the sheets are cold beside me

So put your hands where I can see
It's fair to say my better days have got the best of me

Something doesn't feel right, like you're feeding me a line
Cause I swear I've heard this somewhere before
I'll swallow every word between your lips
But if you're just lying through your teeth,
Maybe you're right and we knew it all along
We're better off alone

My favorite lines are bold. My discovery of this band and this song were completely unplanned. It's sort of funny in a way. I forget what messageboard I had been posting on at the time - this was a few years ago - but I was in a thread with one of those silly band name games, where you post a band whose name starts with the last letter of the band posted before you. My letter was R and I went to Purevolume to look for interesting bands that started with R, and I came upon Races to April's page. I never really got into any of their other songs but I've always loved this one. It's still up on their Purevolume page if you want to check it out, too.

i hope you're as happy as you're pretending

2009-07-06T01:03:00.000-07:00

My god, you are pathetic. I can still admit that I do continue to miss you from time to time; in fact, I'm not sure that will ever change, but it's not the same as it once was. It's not really you that I'm missing - it's the you that you once were. You're not the same person anymore, and who you are now is someone that I can't help but laugh at. The facade you keep up is so ridiculous; the superior, "I don't care what you think of me" attitude, the fact that the one thing you seem to look forward to is the next time you'll be drunk. I almost pity you, because I know what you used to be and how much potential you had and I see you wasting it now on things that matter so little. I almost wish I could reach out and say something, tell you to change your ways before it's too late, but then I remember what a terrible friend you were and how utterly fake you are and I know you don't deserve it.

It annoys me endlessly that I missed you for so long, that I tried so many times to reconnect with you, that I found some meaning in the way we always had no trouble sharing things with each other, even after losing contact for so long. It always struck me as something to be proud of, something worth holding on to, because if we could be close like that after not being friends at all, that had to mean something, didn't it? If we could instantly go back to the way things once were and feel comfortable telling each other anything at all, wasn't that something special? Wasn't that important enough to forget about all the lying and deceit and backstabbing and using? That's what I always wanted to believe, but that was also before I realized you'd never be the same.

I like to imagine that there's still some sliver of the girl I once knew in you, somewhere, deep down. I wish you wouldn't hide her under all your makeup and hair dye and false superiority because she was one of the greatest people I could ever hope to know. That's the girl I will never stop missing, and I think I'm okay with that. I should probably just cut off all ties with you, but I can't help wanting to be around to see if she ever makes an appearance again. Hope is an important thing to hold on to, right? Even if there's little chance of the thing you hope for coming true.

There's one line that always comes to mind when I think about you.

I hope you're as happy as you're pretending.

on the fourth of july!

2009-07-05T00:03:00.000-07:00

Drove past John Wayne on the way home tonight and almost cried. Why can't I just forget?

Dr. John's Fourth of July party was fun. I mostly hung out with my mom, laughed a other peoples' adorable babies and played a few games of pool. I beat both of my parents and lost to a thirteen year old. Some kids can actually be pretty chill though, when they're not obnoxious. There were six kids I was hanging out with in the pool room at one point. Two pairs of brothers and then one brother and sister. In each pair, the younger sibling was always the annoying child. Funny how that works.

Everyone seemed to enjoy the cookies my mom and I made this morning. They were oatmeal and chocolate chip, and the whole plate got cleared off before the fireworks started. We could see three different fireworks shows from John's balcony, all fairly close. Fireworks are pretty fun to watch. I really enjoy the ones that leave trails of light in the sky, or the ones that fan out and turn into dozens of smaller explosions. (in the sky?)

On our way there, we stopped at the Albertson's by my best friend's mother's house and it made me feel so nostalgic. Every time I'm near or in Tustin, I really really miss living there. We got some drinks, including a few Kahlua Mudslides which I would highly recommend. They are delicious. I had one while we were eating and before I even finished, I lost balance while I was squatting down and fell on my butt. That led to plenty of jokes about how I'd had too much to drink. Highly embarrassing. That was the only drink I had, but when we were in the car my dad told me not to get too carried away with myself. Anyone who knows my dad will understand why this is humorous.

It's still fairly early but I'm extremely tired. I think I'm going to see the Proposal with my mom tomorrow, or maybe we'll see Up instead. I'm not sure yet.

day twenty - a day late?

2009-07-04T00:34:00.000-07:00

So I've decided that since I always end up posting outside of my 24 hour limit and end up posting really pointless stuff, I'm not gonna worry too much about the once-a-day business. I'd rather post less often and have it be more meaningful than post about arbitrary bullshit on a daily basis.

That being said, I don't really have anything good to write about today. I went out with my mom and got some new shoes and a shirt. At Target I noticed they still have the same sunglasses that you bought me last summer. The same sunglasses that broke once because the screw wasn't tight enough to hold the arm on. I probably still have the original pair somewhere because I kept it, along with the loose screw and the detached arm, in a ziploc bag. I ended up buying the same pair again, and it broke too, in the same way. I gave up after that. It almost seems metaphorical. I kept trying but it was too hard for me and in the end, I gave up. Or maybe that's just the way I like to see it because it hurts too much to think that I hurt you for my own selfish reasons. I doubt I'll ever stop missing you. They always say you never forget your first love.

day nineteen - twilight, like oh my god

2009-07-02T23:59:00.000-07:00

Currently listening to: "Take Tomorrow (One Day at a Time)" by Butch Walker. Watch here.

I'm not sure what else to write about still, but I just read the partial draft of Midnight Sun by Stephenie Meyer this week, so here goes. It's essentially Twilight from Edward's point of view and I honestly think if a lot of people that criticize the relationship aspect of the movie would read Midnight Sun, they might understand it a little bit better. There is so much more thought and analysis and inner dialogue on Edward's part than on Bella's. It's actually humorous the way he over thinks every last detail and questions everything. It makes the animal instinct quality of their attraction to each other more clear, as well.

I enjoyed Twilight series very much, to be honest. I know a lot of people hated it, even after giving it a chance, and I'm not trying to argue with that at all. I wouldn't go so far as to say they are very well-written books, and the movie doesn't do Bella and Edward's story justice at all, but I like it all nonetheless. I really enjoyed the final two books and honestly wouldn't mind owning the whole series someday. I also really hope that Stephenie Meyer chooses to finish Midnight Sun, despite the fact that it was leaked onto the internet prior to being finished. I really enjoyed the first draft and I think it would make for an interesting counterpart to the original story.

day eighteen

2009-07-01T23:46:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to write about today. I keep feeling angry and depressed this week and then making myself think of other things to stay happy. Apparently I'm good at that.

I'm learning to cook more and more. Nothing insanely special so far, but I did make dinner on my own tonight. Shake n Bake and Pasta-roni. It all came out pretty good, so I was proud. I'm gonna make cookies from scratch again this week too, probably for the Fourth of July party my parents are going to. I'll probably tag along for the third or fourth year in a row just because I have no other plans yet. It's at a super nice house, one of my dad's work friends is throwing it. It just isn't all that exciting to me to spend time at a house with a bunch of my parent's friends. At least he has a pool and a hot tub and a beautiful view. Good enough for me.

Currently listening to "Cannonball" by Damien Rice. I love this song and the album it's on so much. It's absolutely on my list of songs I'd like to learn someday. I should play more guitar this week. I want to learn a lot of songs but I'm pretty slow at learning new things. I tend to get really easily frustrated.

I feel like this blog is going downhill. I need inspiration.

day seventeen - they said we burn so bright

2009-06-30T23:21:00.000-07:00

People are killing themselves over Michael Jackson's death. For someone to be that disillusioned about how important a complete stranger is to their own life just baffles me. I will openly admit that I read and enjoy celebrity gossip, but I have no problem realizing that I'll probably never meet any of these people and I don't have some glimmering hope of being friends with any of them. I can't even imagine being so strongly attached to someone I've never met, to the point that their death would effect me THAT strongly. People are strange.

Today I watched Baby Mama and it made me realize, once again, that I want to be a mother. Oddly enough, the first thing that made me realize this (I was previously uninterested in being a mother before, or unsure about it) was the final book in the Twilight series, Breaking Dawn. Don't ask. Anyway, I used to be deathly afraid of the a) childbirth and b) raising a child. It's such a crazy responsibility, bringing up another human being. I talked about it with Matt one of the last times we hung out and it literally terrifies me to think of the possibility of shaping another human being's personality. I guess the fear of being a bad parent is probably common anyway, but I don't think I could forgive myself if I turned out to be a bad mother. I really really want to be a mom someday. It seems strange to me that I only figured that out recently, especially when I was almost opposed to it before now. I guess it's good to know where you stand.

Our days were numbered by nights on too many rooftops,
They said we're wasting our lives,
but oh, at least we know that if we die, we lived with passion.
They said we burn so bright, we'd burn this city.

day sixteen - holding on to yourself the best you can

2009-06-29T23:56:00.000-07:00

This evening, as I was rolling my bike down the driveway for a short ride around the block, my mother told me I need to "step up the job search." It's so utterly frustrating to keep trying the same places over again when I've been turned away or turned down so many times before. It's hard to keep trying when you've never seen positive results to begin with. Especially when it's something I have no control over. There's not a damn thing I can do to convince someone to hire me or to make it easier for myself to get a job. I don't know what I'm doing wrong so I don't know how to do better.

So that's what I thought about while riding my bike around the block. When I got home I thought I was going to pass out or throw up, probably from dehydration, so I had a cold shower and laid down for a few minutes. I've been trying to work out a tiny bit every day, just as a start. I know you're supposed to eat healthy and work out and do a combination of things, but that can all come later I guess. I've just been doing a few crunches and leg lifts before bed each night. I would like to ride my bike more but it just gets so damn hot out so I usually wait until just before dark when I'm less likely to melt straight onto the asphalt. I really hate living in the desert. I was not meant for warm weather.

I'm listening to my recordings from the Jesse Lacey solo show at the Roxy last year and it's making me so much more excited to see Brand New in a few weeks. I've been listening to The Devil and God a lot lately, and Deja Entendu is pretty much my go-to album when I'm feeling depressed. I should probably listen to that again soon. I'm not generally one to hype bands up, but I really love Brand New to death. No matter how many times I see them (this month will be my fifth time, counting the solo show), it never gets less exciting for me. I literally get giddy at the thought. Last time I saw them, they played a free festival at USC and I brought my friend Spencer who'd never seen them before. That was really fun for me because I knew how excited he was too and it was such a great set and well worth the day-long wait. Seeing the whole band play in a smaller venue is going to be so wonderful.

When I disappear, it is clear I am up to no good.

day fifteen - an early morning thought

2009-06-28T01:21:00.001-07:00

I tend to pin my hopes on the possibility of minor events. I tend to pin my happiness on the potential, the upcoming. Knowing that I have something good planned helps me to get through the week, so sometimes I'll be waiting on something good to happen to make the week better. Right now, I'm waiting for a cute boy that I met this week to add me back on Facebook as if that will somehow not only brighten my day, but alleviate my problems. Maybe ameliorate is the right word. It's not like his accepting a friend request will mean anything significant or anything at all, but I keep waiting anxiously for it to happen as if it will.

Why do I do that?

day fourteen

2009-06-27T23:46:00.000-07:00

I know I've said it a million times because in the last twenty years, I really have thought my family was on the verge of falling apart on many different occasions, and I know the last few have been seemingly more official.. but I'm pretty sure tonight was it. And maybe it's because there have been so many other times that I thought it was really going to happen, or maybe it's because I don't know how to feel about it yet and nothing else has really happened to make it officially "the end," but I feel oddly calm about it right now. I don't really know what to expect and I'm not sure what's going to happen next, if anything at all, but hopefully I can continue to be okay with it. I almost pride myself on that quality - being able to handle most things calmly and usually being able to stay happy through shitty situations. Maybe now is the time I'll need it most.

day thirteen - on nostalgia

2009-06-26T23:31:00.000-07:00

I wasn't sure what to write about tonight, but I found a bunch of pictures from eighth to tenth grade or so on my dad's computer earlier today and a CD with pictures and movies from early high school that Justin Scott had made and they got me all nostalgic. So I suppose that shall be the topic of the day!

I'm so glad cameras exist, and that creative people are always around capturing the moments that turn into memories. I have a terrible memory so it's always really helpful for me to have pictures to look back on later and reminisce about past events. Especially when you consider how drastically things can change over the course of a few years, it seems like pictures are one of the only ways to prove to yourself that things really were the way they once were. It's almost weird for me to see pictures of myself and Ashley and Jessi together, looking happy and friendly of all things.

It's taken me a ridiculously long time to find a way NOT to miss that girl. Of course, we've all changed over the years and become different people to some extent but when I think of all the ways she's changed from someone I once admired and even envied to someone I don't even recognize, it's hard to remember what she was like. It's hard to remember how we were once so close, how I spent almost every weekend at her house and how we would stay up late in her room with the lights off, just talking. Maybe it's not hard to remember, but it's hard to imagine there being a time when it was like that. It's almost inconceivable to think that I would always bring her house-sitting. I remember one night we were upstairs and writing out a list of things to talk about on the phone with Alan before we called him. I remember confiding in her every time I fought with my dad and she would always tell me how much better I deserved and to hang in there because one day, things would be different. I owe her so much and I will always be grateful for the friendship we had, but I know there's no point in missing her anymore because she's not the same person.

I've always said that I missed the way things once were but I knew they could never be the same, though that never stopped me from wishing they could be. I've always defended her or at least kept my mouth shut when others began to think poorly of her. I've always strained to see the girl who was once my best friend somewhere inside of the person she became. I know she's not the same anymore and I finally understand that it's no use missing someone who is no longer around and never will be. I miss the girl I used to know, but I'm done wishing that somehow, magically, she'll show up again.

It's kind of funny how much you can learn from yourself and from your own memories.

day twelve - a day late

2009-06-26T00:56:00.000-07:00

I got home late and missed my blog window! I had a really fun day though, so I'm just going to write about that. Kalin's birthday was today and she had an 80s themed skating party. My last minute attempt at an 80s punk outfit didn't turn out that well and apparently I just looked normal, but that's okay. Also, I kind of hate roller skating and ended up being a big party pooper and only going around the rink a few times but I still had fun. I got to see a lot of people I haven't seen since last June and I got to meet some new friends as well. :)

After hanging out at Holiday Skate Center for a good two and a half hours, a bunch of us headed over to Watson's and squeezed into a corner table. That was a lot of fun too. Kalin's boyfriend Brian and his roommate Aaron are hilarious. I pretty much just laughed at them the entire time. After that I hung out at Leanne's house with her, Chase and Justin for a while. We swam and played videogames and whatnot and then later on, Chase and Leanne and I got coffee at the Lost Bean. We ended up at Staci's later on to play with her new puppy and watched some So You Think You Can Dance. It was all pretty low-key, silly stuff but I had a lot of fun. I want to see Leanne more often. I always tell people that I've known her since kindergarten and whatnot, but I really don't know her as well as I'd like to anymore. I'd like to hang out with her more so I told her to let me know when they have more fun stuff planned and hopefully I'll see a lot of those kids again soon.

In other news, I think my mom's gonna let me help out with a bunch of her bookkeeping work this weekend and next week so that should be good. I also should really talk to Jason's girlfriend about applying at her job if they'll still hire me. I know it's extremely unlikely that I'll be able to find a single store in Moreno Valley that's hiring right now. The economy can kiss my ass.

I don't know if I wrote about the show at all, but Takota was amazing. I need to update my showblog. They were absolutely wonderful, though they only played five songs. I only really talked to Grant, but he was as sweet and friendly as he used to be and it was really good catching up. I had a lovely time and they better schedule more shows soon or I'll have to have some words. (Cue dramatic music.) I'm sort of hyper from having a good day so this post is probably going to be annoying and very jumpy. Maybe I'll just end it here hahah.

day eleven - on distance

2009-06-24T23:13:00.000-07:00

It's been about a year since we moved from Orange County to Moreno Valley and the only friend who has been to my "new" house so far is Ashley, on the few occasions when I drove her here.

I could just be being paranoid because I happen to be extra emotional right now, but I've felt for some time like I fucked up by not being closer with more people while I still lived in Tustin. That's not to say that my friendship with Ashley isn't fulfilling enough or anything like that, but the fact of the matter is that she lives in San Francisco for the better part of the year now and the only other friend I still see regularly is Jason, whom I really don't hang out with all that often. I rarely see my friends from high school, even the ones who still live forty five minutes away. Hell, I rarely see Leslee and I go to the same school as her.

It's really starting to bother me that no one has bothered to drive the forty five minutes it would take to hang out with me, when every time I've been invited to hang out with anyone since I've moved, I've traveled that distance. Literally any friendly outing I've been to in the last year, any game night or party or even any shows I've gone to, I've driven at least 45 miles for. I drive that far for school, too. I've spent countless hours in my car since moving. Don't get me wrong - I enjoy driving, I really do. But the fact that it's always me doing the driving is really starting to irk me. It kind of depresses me to be honest. But then, when I start to think about it, it's understandable, too. I didn't stay close enough with any of my friends for them to want to hang out regularly. I'm not inseparable from anyone anymore, because all the separations were made long ago.

If there was some kind of mathematical equation to be applied to this situation, I feel like 45 miles multiplied by the number of nights I've gone that distance both ways multiplied by the year that's passed since we moved would be a ridiculously high number.

day ten - cookie monstress

2009-06-23T16:20:00.000-07:00

Currently listening to: "The Ivory Tower" by Takota from The Ivory Tower.

I'll probably be back too late tonight to blog on time, so I'm going to do another short post.

My cookies came out almost entirely wonderful. One batch came out burnt, which disappointed me greatly, but the rest look spectacular, as you can see.

I hope Takota enjoys them. :)

day nine - on food and music

2009-06-22T23:07:00.000-07:00

Currently listening to: "At the Bottom of Everything" by Bright Eyes from I'm Wide Awake It's Morning.

Tomorrow night, Takota is playing their first show at Chain in I don't even know how long. They haven't been promoting it all that much outside of the confines of their Twitter followers so I'm not entirely sure what to expect in the way of crowd turnout. They're also opening the show, so that could be an influential factor. My parents are going to go for their set and leave, but I'll probably stick around for the whole thing. Or maybe I won't, considering I'm not familiar with any of the other bands' music and I'm probably not going to be feeling very well. We'll see.

I'm excited to see the guys though. It's been far too long and they are sort of the poster band for my love of local music. Takota and Filmspeed/NOGH were definitely contenders for the top spot. I always counted Pistolita in that category too, even though they were from San Diego. Once you throw in Dead Letter Diaries/Eye Alaska, it's a nicely rounded out little list. It's really gratifying once you've seen a small band enough times that they start to recognize you and you can tell that they really appreciate you being at their shows. I think my top two favorite things about live music are being friendly with the bands and the energy you feel in a crowd when everyone is singing along at the same time. That's what makes going to shows worthwhile to me. That's what makes feeling old at nineteen and dealing with all the screaming pre-teen girls worthwhile. Though I suppose enjoying the music I do pretty much sets me up for that, but I don't mind. When the music starts, nothing else matters.

So in order to celebrate Takota's return, I've decided to make cookies from scratch, which I've never done on my own before. I'm going to make them tomorrow and bring them to Chain. I'm almost equally excited for that and the show itself. There are very few meals I can make other than breakfast, but I'm learning slowly. My mom has been having me prepare dinner some nights so it'll be ready when my parents get home and it's kind of fun. I tend to like the preparation part of a meal more than the actual cooking - the chopping and slicing and mixing and whatnot, probably because I like the preciseness of measurements. It's easier to know what you're doing when you can just follow directions. When it comes to knowing that a course is done cooking though, I get a little unsure. I guess, like anything else, I'll get more comfortable with practice.

I need more ideas for what to blog about. Suggestions are welcome. :)

day eight - cheating

2009-06-21T23:36:00.000-07:00

Father's day has been a long one, and I'm actually far too tired to write coherently for very long, so I'm gonna leave it at this: I hope you had a good day. Whether you spent it with your father or not, I hope everyone who might be reading this had a nice, relaxing Sunday. Mine was pretty decent for the most part.

day seven - on road trips

2009-06-20T21:23:00.000-07:00

I wasn't sure what I wanted to write about today, so I asked my friend Ryan what he would suggest. He came up with road trips and it sounds like a fine idea to me.

The only road trips I've ever really been on thus far have been with my parents. We took one a long time ago to visit some friends in Grass Valley, CA, North East of Sacramento. I forget how old I was, but the trip was over eight hours and I vaguely remember sitting in the backseat of whichever car we had taken and looking for license plates from other states. I still do that while I'm driving. I probably spent most of the trip there sleeping, but I also remember on our way back home, that we stopped in a lot of tourist spots along the coast - Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, Monterey and Carmel-By-the-Sea, Big Sur, Hearst Castle in San Simeon, and Solvang. I'm sure we did a lot more than that, but my memory fails me. It was my first memorable road trip and I know I enjoyed it a lot.

More recently, I believe it was during my Junior year of high school, my mom and I drove from Tustin to San Jose where we saw the Winchester Mystery House and stayed the night in the city. From there we continued North to San Francisco where we stayed a few more days. I think that was my first time in the City by the Bay and I was in love with it instantly. We didn't even explore all that much, though we did drive over the Golden Gate Bridge, walk around Pier 39 and visit the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art. It saddens me that I'm actually having trouble remembering what else we did, but I would've loved to stay longer and see more. We also visited my mom's friend Jenny in Janesville, CA for a few days before continuing onto Yosemite National Park. I really wish we'd stayed there longer, because we only spent part of the day driving through it and it was incredibly beautiful. I'd love to go back again.

The only other pseudo road trips I can remember have been smaller trips, like a day trip with my dad down to San Diego for breakfast with my Grandpa and out to the Salton Sea afterwards to see Slab City and Salvation Mountain (another place I'd love to visit again), and another in which way drove up Highway 395 to visit his old friends in Yerington, Nevada for a few days. The best part of that trip was seeing the sky at night from the middle of nowhere. You could see so many more stars in the sky than anyone ever will from most of Southern California. It was wonderful out there, aside from the heat. I'm sure I'd go crazy living in the practically-barren desert, but it was a beautifully serene place to stay for a few days.

If nothing else, writing this blog has both brought on an extreme bout of nostalgia and strengthened my desire to travel. One of my greatest goals in life is to see the world. I'm not entirely sure how it's going to happen but I feel like I have to find a way. Maybe I'll focus on travel writing instead of entertainment journalism. Maybe someday I'll just disappear to another place and start over, just to try something different. Maybe..

day six - an aesthetic voyager whose home is the road

2009-06-19T21:51:00.000-07:00

"I'll paraphrase Thoreau here: Rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness.. Give me truth." - Emile Hirsch in Into the Wild.

If you've ever seen Into the Wild, you know at least a little bit about Christopher Johnson McCandless. A lot of people feel little sympathy towards his tragic story. Many think that he was just a stupid kid trying to prove something. Personally, I feel inspired every time I read about him or watch the movie based on his adventures. I hate that the idea of just leaving your life to travel around the country the way he did is less plausible for women than it is for men. I don't know that I'll ever see the world the way he did, or even the way I would love to, but even if his death was caused by a foolish mistake, I will always feel the deepest respect and admiration for the decisions he made.

"The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. (...) You are wrong if you think Joy amanates only or principally from human relationships. God has placed it all around us. It is in everything and anything we might experience. We just have to have the courage to turn against our habitual lifestyle and engage in unconventional living." - Christopher Johnson McCandless

day five

2009-06-18T23:41:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I begin to think I'm developing some sort of social anxiety disorder by letting myself get too comfortable sitting at home all of the time. I've begun to strongly dislike going anywhere alone, to the point where I'll try to justify putting it off and most likely find a way around it. Sometimes I just have to get out of the house and then I just deal with it and go somewhere. I don't know how to talk to people I don't know. Standard small talk with people you have no choice but to talk to is fine - grocery store clerks, cashiers in any retail environment - I'm fine with those. But when it comes to anything I don't actually need to talk to them about, if I actually have to go out of my way to ask them something or start a conversation, that's when it becomes difficult for me.

A few weeks ago at school, I was sitting outside the music building between two classes and listening to a cute boy play acoustic guitar. I sat there and watched him, not very subtly, for a good half hour and I was pretty certain that he saw me too. I didn't bother hiding it because he was really good and I was enjoying it. Eventually, after debating with myself over whether or not I wanted to compliment him, I walked over at the last possible minute before I needed to head to my next class and I told him he played really well and I'd been enjoying listening to his music. Even something as simple as that literally terrified me. I didn't even introduce myself or ask his name, all I said was that I liked his guitar-playing, and that alone had me practically shaking. It's ridiculous and I have no idea where it comes from but I feel like it's gotten much worse since I graduated and moved and started over at a new school. Now that I don't have people to rely on as "back up" or whatever you want to call it, I just don't put myself in situations where I have to talk to people I don't know. I spend a lot of time alone at school.

I can think of about two friends I've made this year. One of them only went to Cal Poly for a quarter and then, when he transferred to UCR and lived ten minutes from me, I only hung out with him twice at shows. I could see myself hanging out with him again but he also lives in San Diego so I don't know how likely that will be. The other is a girl I rarely see who also lives farther away than my school is from me so I probably won't see her again until the Fall quarter starts. I keep telling myself I need to work on making friends, but I've always relied on other people for that. The majority of the friends I've been close with, I met through other people.

I don't know how to change. :/

day four

2009-06-17T23:49:00.000-07:00

Four days in and I'm already out of things to write.

How about some upcoming events?

Tuesday June 23rd - Takota's return to Chain + the Audition.
Friday June 26th - Warped Tour with Jason
Saturday June 27th - Andrew's birthday!
Friday July 10th - Ace Enders, Person L, the Dangerous Summer and the Gay Blades all at Chain with a parking lot barbecue before the show.
Saturday July 18th - Brand New at the Troubadour. :D :D :D

Hopefully shortly after that last one Ashley will finally be coming home. I miss her to death. And hopefully by then I will have a job and hopefully I'll be able to get time off and drive her back to San Francisco with her sister and her mom and get to see her apartment and maybe if I have money then we can go exploring and do lots of fun things. :) I'd very much enjoy that.

Since I still haven't been to the mall this week, due to both my laziness and my fear of rejection, I decided to print out the directory of every store at the mall complete with phone numbers and a map. I circled priority stores (I tend to be picky, which is a problem) and I've got 24 to start with, after which I'll start calling the rest. There are plenty of places to try outside of the mall but I'd like to see if I can't find something there. I also still need to call back the stores at Ontario Mills but I'd rather work close to home. That's a more reasonable thing to be picky about than the job itself I think.

I always write about the same things.

day three

2009-06-16T22:47:00.000-07:00

Another day almost entirely wasted. Spent the more exciting parts putting together outfits on Polyvore.com, and I've made six sets so far.

I've had this tab open for almost an hour and I keep distracting myself reading about Kristen Stewart hahah. I joined this fan community for her on Livejournal and anytime Paparazzi photos of her show up, they get posted online as well as interviews and stuff. It's all mildly entertaining and whatnot, considering I've developed a fat girl crush on her. I think she's gorgeous, though I can admit she's not the best actress. I think her awkward persona tends to come through in everything she does, but maybe that's what's sort of endearing about her. I don't know, I just like her.

Completely unrelated, but I wanted to type out something from a book I've had since I was in elementary school. It's called Out of the Dust by Karen Hesse and it used to be one of my favorite books, though it's a bit depressing. Learning about the Dust Bowl in my US History class made me think of it, and there has always been one chapter that stood out in my memory. It's called "The Accident."

I got
burned
bad.

Daddy
put a pail of kerosene
next to the stove
and Ma,
fixing breakfast,
thinking the pail was
filled with water,
lifted it,
to make Daddy's coffee,
poured it,
but instead of making coffee,
Ma made a rope of fire.
It rose up from the stove
to the pail
and the kerosene burst into flames.

Ma ran across the kitchen,
out the porch door,
screaming for Dadd.
I tore after her,
then,
thinking of the burning pail,
left behind in the bone-dry kitchen,
I flew back and grabbed it,
throwing it out the door.

I didn't know.
I didn't know Ma was coming back.

The flaming oil
splashed onto her apron,
and Ma,
suddenly Ma,
was a column of fire.
I pushed her to the ground,
desperate to save her,
desperate to save the baby, I
tried,
beating out the flames with my hands.
I did the best I could.
But it was no good.
Ma
got
burned
bad.

July 1934

Sorry to drag it all out like that, but it's written that way. Apparently that's what you call a verse novel, where the whole thing is told through poetry instead of prose. I kinda wanna read the book again now after remembering that part of it. I remember that the mother dies in childbirth, and the younger brother shortly afterward. I remember that the father ends up drinking a lot and the main character, the girl, Billie Jo (they had wanted a boy the first time around as well), plays piano until the accident happens, because her hands get burned and she can't play anymore. That's all I remember though.

I have a habit of re-reading old books when I have the time to read, instead of finding new ones. I'd like to read a lot more but I never feel like I have the time. At least not during the school year. Summer should be good for that though. I want to start re-reading From the Corner of His Eye when I turn off my laptop tonight, because Michael reminded me how much I used to enjoy that book. Dean Koontz tends to write the same kind of story in every book but I've always loved this one.

Staying up late to read seems like a much more worthwhile way to spend the night.

day two

2009-06-15T16:57:00.000-07:00

Summertime and the livin's easy? I only finished classes last Thursday and I'm already out of stuff to do. Definitely need to find a job ASAP. I think I'll head to the mall tomorrow and pick up a bunch of applications, fill 'em out in the food court and take them all back. Should probably also call the three places I applied at in the Ontario Mills mall last Friday as well.

I'm really hoping that with Summer classes canceled, I'll have a little more luck in my pursuit. Having no experience has been an issue so far but I dunno. It's hard to be optimistic but I just need something to get my foot in the door. Jason's friend Amanda said I could probably get a job at her work so I might take her up on that too.

Other things to look forward to: Takota's return to Chain, hopefully Warped with Jason, the Ace Enders barbecue party and show with the Gay Blades, Person L and the Dangerous Summer. I'd really really like to go see Fun, Limbeck and Hellogoodbye at Chain too but I dunno if I'll have money to buy tickets. I hate asking for extra money from my parents. (job job job)

I've yet to be productive today so I think I'll at least try to get some laundry done. Maybe go for a short bike ride. I need to do SOMETHING.

365 day blog - day one

2009-06-15T01:52:00.000-07:00

So I'm thinking I might have to steal the whole 365 days blog idea from everyone who's already done it before me, just to make myself write. Michael put the idea in my head again after reading his blog the other day. Maybe we'll call this day one.

It's summer now. I finished the quarter from hell, probably with really poor grades. Definitely not with grades I can be proud of, that's for sure. Summer quarter got canceled because of budget cuts so now I REALLY need to find a job, as if it wasn't stressed enough before. I really hate money.

I'm gonna be vain and annoying for two seconds and wish that I had myself a boy. A nice, respectable boy who doesn't mind an affectionate girl, because that's how I roll. The end.

I've been playing more guitar lately. I think, to me, that's either the most interesting or most important (or both) part of this entry.

when i'm with you, there's no point in breathing

2009-06-02T01:11:00.001-07:00

It's been a year since I said goodbye to you. I'm still sorry for the way everything turned out. I wish it had worked out differently. I wish it had started out differently, perhaps in the ways we both knew would've made everything easier. I'm still terrified that I may have ruined one of the best things I've ever had and possibly ever will. I'm worried I threw away my best chance at something people search for their entire lives, something that was given to me under difficult circumstances. Under circumstanced that I didn't have the means to change and still don't. I wish the circumstances had been different but I'm afraid that I'm missing out on what could've been. I don't know how it could have turned out any other way though. I know it's pointless to regret, but I do sometimes. Sometimes I wish none of it had happened. Sometimes I wish I had never explained what was going on and I wonder how things would be now had I not done so. Mostly I try not to think about what could have been because it hurts to think that I might have thrown away my one chance. I got lucky and it didn't work out and I'm afraid that'll be the only chance I get. I hope I'm wrong.

life as we know it

2009-05-03T00:51:00.000-07:00

I've been taking a massive trip down memory lane for the past few hours, mostly reading old blogs and whatnot, from eighth grade until now. It's just insanely weird to see how drastically things can change over the course of a few years. Some people meant the world to me then and now we don't even speak. I'm incredibly thankful for so much of what I've been through, and for having had friends to support me through it all. I'm thankful for all the ridiculous trials I've had and the fact that I've survived them. I know I haven't been through anything all that traumatic, but I always believed that you couldn't compare peoples' problems because everyone has their own scale for what's tough and trying.

To anyone who's ever listened to me and helped me out with anything, thank you. It's meant more to me than you'll ever know. Four people come to mind specifically, the four people I've been closest with. The four best friends I've had over the last six years or so.

Allyssa Zander. You were my best friend for such a long time. The first person I really felt close to and spent all my time with. All the silly notes we wrote in ninth grade (love you bunches and tons and apples and bananas) and sleepovers and going to my first show with you - I will always remember those. High school took us our separate ways and I'm sorry things turned out the way they did but I'll always remember you fondly for the good times.

Jessica Andre. You were the first person to save my life. You have literally meant more to me than almost anyone I've ever known. You had my back through so much shit, it's not even funny. After high school started to suck, I always had you to depend on and staying at your house every weekend never got old. I have never been able to stop missing you and the way things were. I hope life turns out the best that it can for you.

Vanessa Saade. I hate to think how much I took you for granted. I'm glad we still talk, but I'm more thankful for having been your friend than you will ever know. In a time when all the tough things were really the events that would shape me for the rest of my life, you were always there. You were always looking out for me and keeping me sane and happy. Thank you so much for being a better friend than I could have ever wished for.

Ashley Ryan. Holy hell, where do I even begin? I've known you since before the fourth grade and you have always been a good friend to me. Always. You are one of the most caring and compassionate people I have ever known and I feel more blessed to have had you in my life and called you a friend than I could ever describe. I don't even think of you as a friend anymore because you're so much more than that to me. You are my sister. My guardian angel. While I hate being away from you so much now and I miss spending all my time at your house and doing silly things with you, I'm also so happy for you and the way your life is going. You're headed for amazing things and I can't wait to see how it all turns out. I'm so proud of you and so thankful for everything you've ever done for me. I love you.

I'm incredibly thankful for everyone who has ever been a friend to me, but these four girls have changed my life. Friends are the most amazing and beautiful people, but best friends go beyond that. They are your family. They are your sisters, your angels. There's something spectacular about the bond between best friends.

I love and hate writing things like this because it gets me so emotional, but it also helps me put so much into perspective. Not that I didn't already know how I felt about all of these people, but looking back at how things were before anything bad or dramatic happened between any of us makes me that much more glad that we were ever friends in the first place, no matter how our friendships ended or whether or not we're still on good terms.

I guess that's what life is all about in a sense, though. No matter what sort of horrible things happen, you just have to focus on all the good things that you've been through and that you're going through and be thankful that you have people to share them with. That idea alone makes me want to try to be a more positive person and turn things around because I don't want to look back on this time in my life later and regret anything. The way it's going now makes me think I probably will and I want to change that. I need to.

Wish me luck.

yeah, i know i'm not good enough for you.

2009-02-23T11:21:00.000-08:00

I keep losing track of time. I never know what day it is anymore. I used to be really good about that, one of those people that you would always ask the day or time if you needed to know it. Granted that was probably back in middle school or earlier, but I'm not sure what changed since then. I stopped wearing a watch and got a cell phone. Time is easy. I feel like it's been forever since I've written anything legitimately interesting, if I ever have. I read other peoples blogs and wonder if I'm cut out for writing at all.

I haven't written anything journalistic since the end of senior year, other than my first attempt at a show review for the Poly Post. I'm pretty sure at some point, if I continue with this major, I'll learn more about how to actually write and get a chance to really practice and get better at it, but it's always been frustrating to me to know that I've never really been able to do that before. At Beckman it was more like, "Hey, you can write about music? Cool, we haven't really had anyone do that." The only editors we had for the Entertainment section were either Austin Barnes, who was so cocky that he didn't even feel like he needed to stoop to actually editing or criticizing people, or Yasmin, who, like me, was a first time Journalism student and was too nice to do what Austin wouldn't. Thus, I never really felt like I was getting better or worse at it. Caitlin (the editor in chief) and Mrs. Ng both seemed to like a lot of my articles, so I figured I had something going for me at least.

I think one of the only things I like about my blogs is that I never know what I'm going to write about when I open the page. It always turns into some kind of (usually boring or pointless) rant, but I never plan it out really. I might have an idea that I want to bring up, but that's about as far as it gets. I don't even know if anybody reads this but that's okay by me. I guess it's more about getting the practice at writing the way I want to sound than getting readers or anything else.

The weather has been back and forth lately. We've gotten a lot of rainy days, which I love and dislike at the same time, but it seems to be nice out so far today. I heard birds chirping and the sun is shining through my bedroom window. Maybe I'll finally make a trip back to that little park I came across if I can find it again. Maybe not. I have a tendency to say I want to do things and make vague plans to do them someday and then I never get around to doing them. I constantly put them off until later and never do the things I want to do. It's sort of terrible.

I'm considering writing a letter to someone who used to be a small but important part of my life. I'm not sure if it's a good idea at all because I know I'll be tempted to say things that I probably shouldn't, but I feel like it might be something I need to do anyway. I wrote down the address just in case but maybe I'll get a draft out at least just to see how I feel about it.

End. :)

our side-stepping has come to be a brilliant dance

2009-02-03T09:19:00.001-08:00

The playlist I made last Friday in the midst of my hating life/the world/everything mood is so so good. I'm quite proud of it. I'm also just now realizing that when I was excited yesterday because my shuffle was playing all these wonderful songs that I would never ever skip, it's because I was still listening to the playlist. LOL.

My weekend was sort of back and forth between shitty and mediocre. Friday was pretty awful. I had an argument with my mom, after which she left the house for a while and I sat in my room and cried. I've realized that I'm actually quite good at waiting until people leave before I really show emotion, though I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. After that, I just went out and drove around the city. I still don't know it very well so I was basically just driving aimlessly, mostly up in the nicer residential areas. I came across a nice little park where I started making the playlist and just sat in the grass for a while as the sun went down. I even stopped at a few stores and shops around my house to ask about applying, but as I've been saying for months now, it appears no one is hiring. Disappointing.

Saturday morning my parents and I got pictures taken at the Olan Mills studio in Kmart. We've never done group photos and my mom has been wanting to for a long time, so we finally did. We should be able to pick them up in a week or two. After that we had breakfast at this little Mexican restaurant, the Cactus Cantina. It was pretty good, though I was totally hoping for legit breakfast food at the time. Saturday night I decided to head over to Chain and catch Alan's show with We Are the Arsenal, Run Doris Run, the Summer Set and two other Arizona boy band pop rock bands. (Summary of that over here) It was mostly tolerable, though the whole feeling-old-at-shows thing is a bit disappointing. I talked to Peter Moe, WATA's guitarist, and he's super cute and very nice. :) Yay. Haha. I also brought them cookies, but my mom said they didn't turn out very well so I'll have to bring better ones next time to make up for it.

Sunday and Monday were highly uneventful, but now I'm at school waiting for my Women's Studies professor to make our midterm/quiz thing available online and then I'm supposed to hang out with Leslee at some point too. Later this week I'm going to a Christian hardcore show. :D And next Monday I wanna go see Jesse Shannon play another coffee shop show. Should be awesome. Also, I can't even begin to explain how excited I am to see Valencia this month, two nights in a row no less. I have quite a few potentially rad shows lined up, so I'm very anxious for those all to come.

I think that's about it for now. Have a nice weeeeeek.

this is the price you pay for loss of control

2009-01-22T10:05:00.000-08:00

It's really difficult for me not to start blogs with the words "so." I seem to do it every single time for whatever reason. Anyway, it's been 2009 for three weeks now and it's actually starting to feel like things are finally changing a little bit, maybe. Nothing too drastic, so far, but that's okay by me.

I started my new classes for the quarter. I'm taking Communication Theory, Study of Women and Men in Society, Intro to Philosophy, and History of Western Art. The subjects are all fairly interesting; it's just taking me a while to get back into the idea of being at school all day twice a week. It still sucks quite a bit. (but God didn't wanna be, God didn't wanna be such an asshole.) Time for some Modest Mouse.

ANYway. Still looking for jobs, but it seems like maybe some places are finally hiring. I applied at Super Target the other week and I'm turning in a Kohl's application tomorrow. I've applied at a ton of places in Moreno Valley already, but I'll probably just have to head out a little further and find some more because I really need a damn job. Badly. Having money to put away every so often would be nice though, that's for sure. I obviously don't want to live with my parents forever, thankful as I am for all that they're doing for me. I'd like to retain a little of my sanity, please. :)

Winter break (Ashley's mostly) has been a lot of fun. Having friends come back from school makes for a lot of sweet hangs. I saw Danny a few times and I've been staying at Ashley's every so often. We went to Disneyland with Jason yesterday and that was a lot of fun of course. I <3 Disney so much, they were sort of constantly making fun of me for geeking out all day. All in good fun though.

First kiss of 2009 counts as another new thing I suppose, unexpected and strange as it was. Not that I'm complaining. I figure I already overanalyzed it enough after it happened, so I'm just gonna stop trying to figure out what it meant (probably nothing) and not worry so much. If it happens again so be it, and if not, that's okay too. I just don't want things to be awkward because I have few enough friends to see from time to time as it is.

As for today, I'm sitting in the library at school again because my first two classes got canceled so now I have free time until one PM. I've got my first quiz in Gender Studies to take in a few, and my first Art test on Tuesday. I think my books finally arrived this week too, so I can catch up on Philosophy stuff. I'll have to remember to take that quiz tomorrow as well. Wish me luck.

Happy 2009. Happy new President this week (side note: How cool is it that the first election I got to vote in ended up being quite literally a truly memorable historical event? Right on). Happy Thursday. Have a great weekend, a great month, a great year, and may anything else that comes your way be just as great as all of the above. :)

so this is the new year

2009-01-03T23:18:00.001-08:00

and I don't feel any different.

I'm watching Saved! in my room right now and I know everyone says it every year, but New Years feels kinda the same way birthdays do. You know that time has passed, but nothing really feels any different. You've got a new age, a new year to write down, but that kinda seems like the biggest difference. Time is weird. Age is weird. I went to the grocery store with my mom last night and there was this old lady there shopping for herself with one of those automated/electric wheelchair things with a shopping cart attached. She went through each aisle really slowly and was there just as long or longer than we were, even though she was shopping for much less. It made me kind of sad. I almost wanted to help her out but I would have felt awkward or worried that she might think I was taking pity on her or something, which I guess I kind of was.

It's just a strange concept. I've been alive for nineteen years and almost a month. I know I'm not old or anything, but I feel that way sometimes. Especially at shows lately, especially if I'm there alone. Most of what I listen to is pop punk so I guess that usually reaches out more to younger kids anyway so it makes sense that I would feel relatively old at shows but it's still weird to me. Then again, whenever I'm around new people, I always think they're older than me. Always.

You know what else is weird/kinda sucks? Only slightly related, but I'm not a fan of how much easier it is before you graduate high school to meet new people. You see the same people in the same classes every day of the week and it's just easier to fall into that routine and you totally end up taking it for granted. I've never been good at making friends on my own and it's even harder now. Kinda sucks.

Aaaaaaanyway. This is not a fun post. Thus I'm done with it.

"Scooter? Mary.. this is a vespa."

where were you while we were getting high?

2008-12-15T13:13:00.000-08:00

I love the holidays. It's almost impossible not to be in a good mood during the holidays. At least, that's how I feel about them this year. I always get really nostalgic at the end of the year and very reminiscent. I start thinking about everything I've been through in the past year, and the ones before it, and I really get to looking forward to the chance to start over. Last year I must have listened to "A Long December" a thousand times before New Years because I was so ready for 2007 to be over. 2008 has been just as crazy, but maybe not to the point that I'm desperate for it to end hah. I know people say it all the time but it really feels like this year went by faster than any other. So many things happened in my life this year hah. I feel like if I had to pinpoint a single year that brought about the most change in my life, this one might have been it.

High school ended. College began. I had my first legitimate, long-term relationship, as weird as the circumstances of it were. I was in love for the first time, and then suddenly out of it. Fuck, I broke someone's heart this year. That was new. Not something I'm proud of, but it was definitely different. I was always used to going to a different school from Ashley, but this year she moved seven hours away for school. The idea of her being so far away and me moving away from everyone I saw every day at school was terrifying, and for good reason. Being alone almost all the time kinda sucks. Eventually, I got used to it of course, but it's still not my favorite thing.

I turned nineteen this year. Not a very big deal of a birthday, but it's weird not feeling like I can call myself a kid anymore. I feel old most places I go, even though I know I'm not. At Chain last night I imagined myself in fifteen years or whenever I end up having a family and wondering if I'd still be going to shows with my own kids and how much they'd hate me for it hahah. I can't imagine myself ever not being in love with live music.

Anyway. It's the holidays and I'm feeling good, despite how much my life is lacking as of late. (Hello alliteration.) It would be nice to have someone around for the holidays and it would be lovely to have some friends to see more often, but we do the best with what we've got, right? That's the best I can do right now. Hopefully the new year will bring about new things and new changes within me. Happy holidays everyone. :-)

you owe me the best gift i will ever ask for

2008-12-09T08:44:00.000-08:00

So dang, it's been a while. Almost a month since I last posted. I never feel like I have anything interesting to write about. Or type about. Although I recently finished out my old journal (contains my life from 05 - 08, good lord) and started up a new one. I already wrote a few pages in there, but that's because I've learned quite a bit of interesting information in the past week or so. I don't think I really feel like getting into that right now though, so we'll move on.

I have almost five hours to kill before my next final starts up. COM 101 was pretty easy, I was kind of expecting that. It only took me twenty minutes for the fifty multiple choice questions. I wish it hadn't started at 7:30 though. Sleeping in on my birthday would've been nice. I woke up at 5am today and froze my ass off the whole way to school and my first final. Then of course it was super warm in there and I was roasting alive hah. I'm glad it was a short test though, anything longer might have put me to sleep. I wanted to check my COM 204 grade too but Professor Mills wasn't even in her office yet. Too early I guess. So then I walked down to the bookstore and bought a bluebook for my CLS 101 final on Thursday. Luckily for me I get to sleep in that day; the final doesn't start until 11:30. :-)

Other life updates - my family is falling apart? I'm not sure if that's really news or not haha. And I'm not sure what the status on any of that is anymore. It's kind of always the same routine of pretending everything's okay until something happens that proves it's really not. And then no one speaks for a week until we all start pretending again. It's a little silly but I guess that's just how we operate in my house.

Other than that, the quarter is almost over. After Thursday, I have a little less than a month off for winter break. I think I'm looking forward to the Salton Sea daytrip more than Christmas or New Years combined. Hahah. I really really want to hang out with Jacob. I'm excited. Plus the Salton Sea is incredible and if we get to the right spot at the right time, it will be a perfect day. No joke. It is so beautiful out there at sunset. Ahh, can't wait. :-)

As for birthday plans, I think my parents are taking me to Outback Steakhouse tonight and Bryan wants to take me out on Thursday. I'm trying to find people to hang out with between my last final and when he gets off work but I'm not having a lot of success in that area. And then hopefully on Friday or this weekend sometime, I think my mom and I might go get massages and/or see a movie at the $2 theater down the street. So it might not be the best/most memorable birthday ever, but it shouldn't be too bad.

I got rudely interrupted by the fire alarm while writing this earlier. Everyone had to leave the library for a good twenty minutes until they figured out that there was no fire (so far as I could tell) and then they let us back inside. And it's freaking cold outside. The high for the day is like 67 hahah. Good news though: there is now a super cute Scott Speedman lookalike sitting down one person away from me. :D And Jonezetta is great.

I don't know what else to write about anymore unless I start complaining about budget cuts and registering for classes so I think I'll quit while I'm ahead and leave it at this. Have a nice December ninth. :-)

i know i'm not your favorite record

2008-11-11T16:20:00.000-08:00

I just had one of those instances where you start crying out of nowhere, completely unprovoked. I've been having a really really shitty week. Or few months. Or life, kinda since graduation you could say.

I refuse to believe that high school was the peak of my life, but everything since then has blown completely. I moved an hour away from the city I've lived in my entire life. Away from the few friends I made in high school, from the best friend I've known since third grade. She moved seven hours away to San Francisco. Since I moved I've gone to a few shows alone, a few with Jason and one or two with my dad. Other than that, I think I've driven back to Tustin twice.Once for Tiller Days and once to hang out with Matt on Halloween. I have no friends here, I have nowhere to go when I want to get out of the house. I sorta know a few people in my classes, but not well enough to hang out with really. I rely on the internet as a connection to my peers rather than actually talking to them. I have more friends on AP than I do in real life anymore. I can't get a job to save my life and my mom often refuses to see that I'm even trying to.

I'm just starting to feel really fucking worthless and pathetic and I'm not enjoying any part of my life anymore. I'm excited for Ashley to come back down to SoCal and hang out for a few days. And a bit for Thanksgiving. It'll be nice to have plans at all for once. I don't even know what I'm doing for my birthday this year.

I hate the way you say my name like it's something secret.

Today I watched a movie called Snow Angels, with Kate Beckinsale and Sam Rockwell anddd Michael Angarano.

Aaaaand part two. Because I never finished this post yesterday.

I'm in a much better mood today. Feeling more hopeful/optimistic. One of the first things I watched today on AP was an AbsolutExclusive of a Relient K Christmas cover. They put it against a super cute animated video and it kinda just made me happy that it's almost the holiday season, even if I don't exactly have someone to spend it with. Even when you're alone for the holidays, you pretty much can't help but feel a little cheerful. So I'm gonna try to be more positive and hopeful about changes to come. I mean, what else can I really do?

Plus I just watched my two favorite scenes from Almost Famous, and that always helps too. So I leave you with this quote:

"The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you're uncool."

i am a writer, a writer of fiction

2008-11-07T00:48:00.001-08:00

I really really miss having a life. And things to write about. And friends to see and places to go and things to do. I miss those all so much.

this could be the last day that i hold my breath and stay awake for you

2008-10-25T01:30:00.000-07:00

I've yet to begin writing my review of the Valencia/Bayside show that I went to on Wednesday. I emailed the editor in chief of the Poly Post and he agreed to go over my article once I sent it in and now I'm actually scared to write again. How ironic.

It's been so long since I wrote anything of substance though. I'm worried it's going to be horrible. It'll be nice to actually get feedback for once but I'm also nervous as hell about what that feedback will consist of. I was talking to my mom today and she said something like, "the thing about writing is that you have to just keep doing it, no matter what it's about." And I haven't been doing that at all. I mean, sure, I've written a handful of blogs and show blurbs to keep my list up to date, but I haven't written an article since before I graduated! I'm just a little nervous to get back in the habit I guess.

The show was really great though. Valencia is always wonderful. I got a really sweet poster and George gave me a free sticker. He also proceeded to introduce himself even though I've met him at least three times before that hahah. That's okay though, I don't expect them to remember me. Anyway, I guess their record label sent all the CDs to Pomona, NY instead of Pomona, CA so their $5 CDs were not available at the Glasshouse. :( I'm very strongly considering going down to San Diego tomorrow night to see them again. After the day I've had, I think it would be well-deserved and a high point to the weekend.

Other than that all I've been up to is school really. I gave my first speech in COM204. I thought I bombed it because I got so horribly nervous but I actually did well. The punk-looking kid with a Justin Scott-esque voice gave me a nice evaluation and suggested not fidgeting so much with my hands haha. I also had my first Statistics exam on Thursday. I think I finished before anyone else so I left much earlier than I usually do. That was nice. I hope I didn't do too horribly on that either. I think I may have gotten a B, which would be perfectly fine by me.

My TO DO list for tomorrow also consists of doing laundry, heading to the mall to scope out job opportunities, washing out the rest of the kitchen cabinets, and hopefully maybe hearing back from Mr. Kuhse? Since I'm gonna be in San Diego anyway I'd like very much to see him. It's been two whole years since Bamboozle Left. That makes me sad. I really wish I had someone to go to shows with still. :/ I don't mind going alone or anything but it's a lot more fun when you have someone with you.

Mini rant - I hate MoVal. I hate that I moved here and left everything I'm familiar with behind. I hate that the one person I want to be around more than anything is seven hours away and I can't do shit about it. I hate that nothing seems doable because I don't have an income. I hate that my parents seem to want to control every aspect of my life as long as they possibly can. I hate being stuck at home with nothing to do. :( I miss having a life so much.

Done with that. :) Glad I got it out. Now I'm off to sleep I think. Have a good one.

and we don't have much room to live

2008-10-11T17:08:00.000-07:00

A few days ago I decided I wanted to write a blog about relationships and realism vs. cynicism and now I can't remember why. I'm pretty sure there was some action that took place to make me want to write about these things but I can't figure out what it was for the life of me. Though that could have something to do with the fact that I'm running off of three hours of sleep and am slightly delirious. Maybe I should write this when I'm more awake.

Hold that thought. We'll come back to it.

Today my mom found the box that contained my fancier shoes, my senior yearbook, my current journal and my small collection of make-up. I was stoked, went for the yearbook immediately and spent a good part of the day looking through it. Seeing pictures from all the events and just random days at school made me miss Tustin and Beckman and everything about last year so much. And I can distinctly remember looking at the baby ads and thinking about how weird life is. Every person you know has this entire past full of different friends, different tastes, different memories than the ones you're making now. We are influenced and changed every single day by the things we see around us and every single day we are a little bit different than the day before. That's just crazy to me. In ten years we'll all be so completely different than who we were in high school but I think high school is still a hugely important, defining part of your life. You learn so much more in those four years than just english, math and history. You learn about friendships and betrayal and relationships and experimenting and love and hate and trust and yourself. I kind of really wish I had written a gradtuation speech haha.

Anyway, that was my interesting thought for the day. I was watching The Other Sister and Down to You earlier and they both reminded me again that I wanted to write a blog about relationships. There was a part in Down to You when Julia Stiles comes back from her summer in France and spends the night with Freddie Prince Jr. and all she can think about is the word "married" because one of her friends in France asked her if they were thinking about getting married anytime soon. The way we think of relationships always make me think. I'm pretty sure a lot of my views on the entire topic are the way they are because of my parents. Not that I'm blaming them or anything because I feel like the way I think about relationships and love is a lot more realistic than the way many other people do, even if that makes me somewhat cynical.

But if you really think about it, there's pretty much a set process for love. You meet someone, you date for a while, you get to know each other, maybe fall in love. Eventually you live together, then comes marriage and a baby, and voila! Happily ever after, right? That all sounds kinda silly to me. Especially because of the statistics. How many marriages end in divorce? I don't know the actual numbers but I would hate to become a part of that percentage. I refuse to let it happen. It will take me a long damn time to decide to marry someone because of that fact.

Because of the whole realism/cynicism thing, I'm constantly worried that I'll ruin a relationship by thinking too much. Not that I've had many chances for that because I never really meet people, but I always end up wondering "where is this going?" I have to ask myself what I'm really doing and whether or not it's going to go anywhere. And it's not like I'm trying to find my soulmate or something silly, but if I'm going to date someone, I'd rather have a purpose in doing it than just to have someone to date. As much as I enjoy the company and closeness and affection, I just feel like if you're in a relationship and you think about it realistically and you know it's not going to last forever, how are you supposed to be happy with it now? God, I really do sound like a cynic. But the reality is that most relationships will end, serious or otherwise. Maybe it is more realistic to just have fun with it then, because most of them will end in a break-up, so why not enjoy it while it lasts?

This is turning into some totally non-commital stream of consciousness now and I'm not even sure where I stand in all of this anymore. Maybe that's the point of writing/thinking about anything. To figure out what you really know about it and whether or not you believe in it. Interesting.

every chance to leave's another chance i shoulda took

2008-10-10T15:14:00.000-07:00

There was a postsecret up once that said something along the lines of "I think my scoliosis is a physical manifestation of how twisted I feel inside." The way I feel today made me think of it. I actually probably have it saved somewhere but I don't want to take the time to find it.

I'm having an awful day so far. I feel horrible. My head has been spinning since I woke up and I think I'm probably dehydrated again but I just feel like utter crap. Tired, weak, shaky, dizzy. Everything at once. On top of that, I'm missing everything about last year so much today. I miss living five minutes from everything I know. I miss Tustin so much lately. I miss Ashley so much. I can't wait to see her next month. I feel like the quality of my life went down like crazy since we moved. I'm not happy here. I hate how hard it's become to stay positive. But that might be partially because I feel like crap today, so everything around me looks shitty too.

I feel as bad physically as I do emotionally. My life hurts. Not a good day.

back in school they never taught us what we needed to know

2008-09-28T00:19:00.000-07:00

I literally have to make a conscious decision not to start my blogs with the word "so." It's a little bit sad.

Anyway, I figured my first day of college would be a good thing to blog about. It was kind of exhausting, mostly because of all the walking and the hot weather, but not too bad otherwise. I was late for my first class which annoys me endlessly because I was up at five thirty and out of the house by six forty. Class started at eight. Traffic around the school was AWFUL though, and thus, I was fifteen minutes late. I grabbed the last desk and two kids came in after me. The COM101 teacher seems nice though. She reminds me of Mrs. Mintz a little. I think I'm gonna like that class a lot actually. We're basically gonna analyze every aspect of media and how it works and how its audiences are affected, et cetera. Should be fun.

Next I have COM204/Advocacy and Argument. Class got cut short because the teacher didn't have her room key yet, but she handed out the syllabus and a list of topics to choose from, one of which will be the subject of a speech we'll be giving in an upcoming class. I didn't realize it was a public-speaking class. This news terrifies me greatly. From our short time together (about ten minutes), I can only assume that the professor is quite straight-laced and serious. :/ Anyway, since class was cut short, I had almost three hours to kill until my next one. I mostly hung out in the library because I'm a big loner with no friends yet. Sad.

Freshman Experience is actually probably going to be a fun class for me. I had no idea what to expect out of it but it's mostly about getting involved on campus and getting the most out of my college experience, blah blah blah. I made a new friend in the hall before we went in. His name was David and he seemed shy/awkward in the same way that I am so that was kind of funny. I also recognized a few girls from my orientation group in the class so hopefully I'll have a few people to talk to in there. :) I liked the professor for that class too. I think she'll be my favorite.

After that I had another forty five minutes to kill, and thennn on to Statistics with Applications. Doesn't that sound like bundles of fun? Yes. Definitely. The first chapter's homework wasn't so bad actually, but that's because it was the first chapter. As long as I pass, I won't mind too much. Ms./Mrs. Shirley seemed a little silly though. She kept trying to make jokes that weren't all that funny and then proceeded to be the only person laughing. She seems nice enough though.

Sad news: First quarter finals are on my birthday, which by the way is only two months and eleven days away now. Seriously, when the hell did that happen? Eighteen went by way too damn fast. And I have a terrible memory for specifics. I'm worried that when I get old and have a family to tell stories to, I won't have any good ones because I won't remember enough about my life to tell. That's a sad thought.

As of half an hour ago, it's my new friend Jacob's birthday. His friends are jerks and decided to ditch him for a party (who does that?!) but I still hope he has a good one. I made him a pretty neat card today and I'm gonna send it on Monday so hopefully that'll help a little. :)

I need to get a jobbbb. My mom tried to crack down a little about that again. We went to Red Robin on Thursday, after my first day of class, and I brought up the idea of visiting Ashley in the end of October and getting a job in November (when everywhere I applied told me to try again) and she proceeded to ignore my idea and tell me I'm too picky and that she didn't care if I don't want to work with food. :/ I applied at the $2 theater down the street and printed an application for the other main theater at the mall. It's not even that I don't want a job, I do. And it's not like I've never tried because I have. I know I'm picky, but hearing how much everyone hates their own jobs worries me a little. I'd rather have a job that I'll enjoy, or at least one that allows for enjoyable benefits. Bleh. We'll see what happens I guess.

I need to learn how to meet people and make new friends. It's tougher than it sounds. Or maybe I make it sound tougher than it is.

be my savior, and i'll be your downfall.

2008-09-23T16:20:00.000-07:00

When I started using this blog I decided that my livejournal would be more for personal rants and this would be more about more thoughtful/important issues, with more "sophisticated" writing, for lack of a better description. It's easier for me to talk about my feelings and things of that nature online, in blogs and such, than in person. Whenever I think about something that's upsetting me, the idea of explaining it to someone else always makes me feel like I'd just come off as whiny and immature. That makes it a lotttt harder to talk about serious things for me.

Anyway, I didn't start this to write about myself.. much. But I had a pretty rough night and it brought up quite a few issues in my head that I want to discuss.. at least vaguely. Every once in a while something happens that really makes me wonder what kind of person I am and whether or not I even like who I'm becoming. Last night was one of those nights.

This year I was involved in a six-month long distance relationship. And when I say long, I mean across the country. Halfway through there was a huge fiasco with my parents and a cross-country visit that made things a lot more complicated and in the following months I started to think more rationally about the whole thing and I finally realized that I really didn't want to be in the situation I was in anymore. It took me a few weeks to really figure out exactly what I did want and when I had to tell him that, I was terrified of how hurt he'd be. I couldn't even break up with him on the phone, I had to do it through email because 1) I was scared shitless and 2) it was easier for me to write it all out than to say it aloud. I got the results I expected and broke his heart of course, but we've stayed friends and it turns out I'm kind of his entire support system. He's had a lot of tough shit to deal with for quite som time now and last night he told me that the only thing that would really make him give up completely would be something done by me. That was nice to hear. :/

Once he told me that I'm the only person he really talks to about serious things it reminded me of how Vanessa and I used to be, and of how Jessi and I used to be. They both had so many problems to deal with all the time and I always felt so helpless and I hated not knowing how to fix them. It's so hard to be friends with someone who is so far beyond broken that they don't even want to be fixed. I think one of the hardest things we have to do as friends is watch someone we love get hurt over and over and not be able to do a damn thing about it, but its especially hard when you see them at their worst and they look to you to help them up, and sometimes you just can't. It literally terrifies me to have people depend on me like that. That kind of responsibility blows my mind.

That's not to say I don't want my friends to depend on me, because I do. I want to be there for my friends as much as possible because it also gives a lot of meaning to my life to know that people can lean on me for support and look to me when they need cheering up, or just a friendly ear to listen to whatever's going on in their life. To have a good enough connection with someone else that they actually want to tell you when they're not doing alright is a beautiful thing. Beautiful and terrifying.

Second point of discussion. I was reading Georgia Joe's AP blog today and he said something that kind of amazed me because of how much I can relate. Ashley always says that about his blogs and I love reading them because some people just have such an incredible way with words but this was the first time I really felt like I knew exactly what he was talking about. "As each day goes by, I feel a little more alone in this small town. Nearly all connections to my past have been severed, and there is little to no excitement on any visible horizon. There are aspirations and ideas, but there are no dates marked on my calendar."

I haven't seen/spent time with any of my friends in so long. I'm surprised their faces haven't become blurred in my memory by now. Okay, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but still. I miss people. I miss company. Lately, I feel like the internet is my only lasting connection to a lot of people, and it's really the only way I meet new people anymore. And though I do have a few upcoming events on my own calendar, I feel like since I graduated, my life has changed drastically. It hasn't been long enough to determine whether or not that's for better or for worse, but one thing is for sure: I'm glad summer's over and I can move onto the next thing. Hopefully Autumn and school will bring new possibilities.

Possibilities was sort of another thing I started thinking about last night. I've been talking to this guy, Jacob, that I "met" on AP. Last night we talked a little about religion and faith and that sparked a few ideas in my head as well. I mentioned it on AP last night too. I'll just copy and paste it because I don't feel like typing it out more articulately.

"just because faith is such a powerful thing for some people. like to believe that strongly in something you can't even see and that there is no proof for, kind of amazes me. and to always have something to fall back on, an explanation for why things are the way they are something. i dunno. something about it kinda makes me wish i was more into it. when i used to go to youth group i was always jealous of how close everyone else was because of their faith. it's kind of a weird thing to be envious of i guess. hah."

Not exactly quaint but that basically summarizes my thoughts on religion and faith. I was discussing it with Jacob and he said for him it was never something that came easy, and it was still a daily battle, but it's also a choice because it's something he's willing to live. He also said he used to be a total jerk before he became Christian but that still seems hard to imagine. He's super nice. I think maybe I will go to that Anberlin show and see if we can't grab that coffee he mentioned. :) I need to make more friends. Hopefully tomorrow will help with that a little.

Speaking of tomorrow, I should totally be asleep by now. Or at the very least, getting into bed. I wanna wake up at seven and try to be out of here between eight and eight thirty. I'm picking up a frat boy on my way to Bronco Fusion. Oh the many ways people could read terrible things into that statement haha. It's taken me this long just to ask how the hell his name is pronounced but I told him he'll just have to tell me in person so I don't mispronounce it. Anyway. This is becoming a silly rant so I think I'll end it here. I'm not sure anyone reads this blog but it might be kinda nice if they did.

and like a child, i've been sleeping in

2008-09-17T15:47:00.000-07:00

Put yourself to some use and be happy with what you do,
Cause I am and I got mind, and we've been lost for a long, long time.

Ahhh. I haven't written anything special in quite some time. I want to find my actual journal. I'm way overdue for a physically written entry. I'm terrible about keeping up with those, mainly because online blogs are so much more convenient. Typing is faster, I can figure out how I want to word things more easily.

Anyway, I haven't written or typed anything at all lately, which I suppose is understandable considering how little I've been up to. I feel like I'm wasting my lifeee and I do not like that idea one bit. One of my biggest fears is that later on in my life I'll look back and realize I never really lived, that I never really experienced all the things and opportunities that were available to me and I'll hate myself for it. It's an awful thought and I hate to think that I'm already heading in that direction.

Sidenote - Jesse Shannon's music is still incredible. I finally got the new Jonezetta, thanks to Ashley, and I have to say I'm still biased towards Popularity. The new one isn't bad or anything, it's just a lot less fun and dance-y. I've also been playing the new Valencia CD a lot in order to try to learn a few more of the lyrics but that's going slow haha. Same with We Are the Arsenal. :) Their "Love is a Battlefield" cover is very very win. I highly recommend you go listen.

Back on topic. I'm hoping school will help me feel a little more productive. I'm sure it will. Having a job wouldn't hurt either but at this point, I'd almost rather wait until November like they said I should. I'll look around a little to please my mother but if I have enough money and free time, I'd like to try to visit Ashley towards the end of October. I miss her a lottttt, ahh.

...hours later...
I've been working on my "new" laptop all day. All I really got done was installing the operating system and one program and a game but that's the most computer work I've ever really done so I'm a little proud of myself, not gonna lie. :) I was supposed to also install Mozilla and Paintshop Pro, but the CDs for both programs are a little.. weird. So those can wait until I have more experienced help. I did get some Adobe photo program (sadly not Photoshop) and I messed around with SimCity for awhile too.

Now my neck is dying because of my horrible posture so I'm going to waste a little more of my summer in front of the TV. I can't wait until I start going places again. Ahh. School, a few shows coming uppp. Life will be good. :)

the summer is a bummer if you can't leave

2008-09-12T20:21:00.000-07:00

I don't know what to write about anymore.

oh my god, i've lost control now.

2008-09-04T23:51:00.000-07:00

I honestly have no idea what's going on with my life right now. Not a clue.

This week it kinda feels like everything's falling apart. /Livejournal. But really. I pretty much shattered Justin's heart but some days he seems okay. I pissed Ashley off this week and when we sort of discussed the issue she basically told me I'm a shitty friend and not trustworthy, which is always nice to hear. For a minute there it was looking like I was out of the two people I care about most and that would've left me with very few people to really talk to about anything. Now I'm not sure what's going on or what to expect next. I don't even know if Ashley wants to be friends with me and I wasn't planning on trying to talk to her unless she came to me first but the waiting around and the uncertainty are kind of eating away at me. I'm worried that I fucked up immensely but I honestly never meant to piss her off. I want her to trust me and feel like she can tell me what's going on because I know she's got a lot to deal with right now. It hurts to know she doesn't trust me with a lot of stuff but I don't know how to prove to her that she can when I already know she thinks she can't. Apparently she feels like she's the only one trying to keep us in touch which I really don't understand. I hate that all of this is going on. I'm so used to us never or rarely fighting that when it does happen I have no idea how to react to it. I would really hate to lose her as a friend but I don't know what to do next. We've been friends for what? Twelve years now? It just seems silly to throw that away.

I really don't know. I am so sick of summer. What a waste.

2008-09-03T13:17:00.000-07:00

I have no idea where this leaves me.

3. How many TRUE best friends do you have? one and a half.

help me help myself, baby.

2008-08-23T23:23:00.000-07:00

I'm so scared right now. Technically, all I have to do is type in an address and press send but there's so much more to it than that. The consequences are what I'm worried about. I don't ever want to hurt anyone. If I had it my way, the people I love would never hurt. I've told a few people what I've been thinking about lately, but I know that no matter how many people I talk to about this, no one can tell me what to do. No one can tell me if I'm right or wrong in what I'm feeling. I just have to trust myself and believe that what I'm about to do is really what's right for everyone involved.

Fuck, I wish it were as simple as it sounds.

love is just a hoax.

2008-08-22T14:52:00.000-07:00

lalalala. Ashley moved to San Francisco this week. It's kind of weird knowing I can't just go back down to Tustin and drive to her house to see her anymore. I wish San Fran were closer hahah. Not only is it an incredible city, but I can tell she's already have a good time in just the first few days. I knew she would. :) I'm excited for her.

I've heard most of the new Valencia now, and it's lovely, of course. I knew it would be. They're so great. I can't wait to see them play the glass house. Takota's playing there again soon, and then so is Anberlin with Scary Kids Scaring Kids at some point. Going to shows alone is somewhat strange. I went to see Chris Conley and Matt Pryor at Chain on Tuesday night and it was my first real show alone, other than Vast Atlantic's stint at the District a while back. It wasn't so bad though, just a little awkward between sets. I figured I'd be doing that a lot this year, but I'm glad I've got a bunch of good first shows alone planned cause that makes it much better. :) haha.

Anyway. The last two days have been less-than-productive. I have a feeling the rest of my summer will be about the same. I gotta start working on getting a job again. I wish it were easier but it's proven to be incredibly difficult. I don't even know where to look here because I don't know where anything is. I walked around the mall one day but not a single store had hiring signs up so I'm thinking it's gonna stay difficult til about the end of summer, at which point I'll have to consider school and it would suck very much to have to accomodate to both school and a first job at the same time. Blah blah, whine whine whine. You get the point.

Something very specific and very important has been weighing heavy on my mind these past few weeks. I don't wanna talk about it in too much detail because a) it's very personal and b) it's not something anyone else can help me with. I have to work it out myself and as terrified as I am to do what I know I should do and what I think is right for me in the long run, I know it needs to be done. I'm fucking scared though. I don't want to hurt anyone and I'm afraid the other person involved is going to hate me. But the thing that needs to be changed really does need to. I don't think the way things are going right now are really right for me. There is far too much uncertainty involved and I don't think I want to handle dealing with that for the next four years of my life, just waiting to see if things work out how I'd like them to right now. I know I could handle it, I never lied about that. I just don't think it's right for me. But how do I tell him that? Afdsakfdsa.

I don't want to think about this anymore.

I would really like it if my parents came back this evening with my laptop in running condition. It's had problems forever and it was supposed to be my graduation present but they never fixed it. Stupid.

I want to visit Ashley. That would be a lot of fun. I want to make new friends but I'm worried that my schedule (only two days a week and not dorming) will make that more difficult. Not to mention the fact that I'm way too shy. Facebook is helping a little though, and I do have a month before I really get to see any of these people anyway. So I have time.

I wish I could finish putting my room together myself. I need to put my shelves up but I don't have the hardware/skills. I also want to put up the bookshelf that attaches to my desk but it needs to be touched up with some white paint and I don't know how it attaches anyway. My parents are gone almost all day every day during the week for work and there's not a whole lot I can do around the house so since we've moved, our progress has come to a dead stop pretty much. It would be nice to finally start unpacking my books and stuff though and have more space in my room.

This is becoming a random rant. Maybe I'll think of something more coherent and important to discuss tomorrow.

all's fair in love and lyrics.

2008-08-18T13:24:00.000-07:00

Chandeliers - Ceiling Stars

everybody knows you never slept once this summer
but here we are
two more semesters and two thousand more mistakes
when, all's fair in love and lyrics
shatter the heart you couldn't break

tonight I burn this building
this bedroom, these ceiling stars
and journals we had saved
(you hate them anyway)

I tried to feel for you
but now there's something in the way
all's fair in love and lyrics
shatter the heart you couldn't break

sparks ignite the tiny fire
I'm holding in my hands
brought to my lips with each desire
to carry out my plans

the rise and fall
of lungs inside my chest
are filling out
with all the poison I have left

the wedding bells are fading out
and the year we spent together I would rather forget now
the rise and fall
of lungs inside a chest
are calling out
for the moment that our bodies felt

call it what you like
you can hide the knife away
call it what you like
but the scars are here to stay

the room we knew is coming down
the nights we had are ashes now
back and forth the medics try to
save us from the flames

everybody knows you never slept once this summer
but here we are
two more semesters and two thousand more mistakes
well, all's fair in love and lyrics
shatter the heart you couldn't break

and it's just a little crush

2008-08-14T16:48:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it's just me, but I tend to think about what I'm about to write in my head, like I say it in my head first to see how it'll sound and it seems like every time I start a blog, I start it with the word "so." I'm trying to veer away from that a little though, thus you now have a nice little prologue to this blog that's completely irrelevant to what I wanted to write about.

Something happened today that reminded me of a conversation that Ashley, Jason and I were having at Denny's the other night. Music is common topic for all of us I think, and we were talking about having crushes on band members. (Or I guess it would be more accurate to say Jason was making fun of Ashley for having them.) While we were listing her various attractive and musically inclined boys, I started trying to think of band crushes that I have and honestly, it's hard to come up with any. Sure, I could list plenty of band members I find attractive but I also consider thinking someone is cute and having a crush on them to be two different situations entirely. You have to know someone at least a little bit to have a crush on them. I could go out to the grocery store right now and probably find someone I think is cute, but that doesn't mean I have a crush on him, so it's different. You can also think someone that you know is cute but still not have a crush on them. Case in point- I think the guys of NOGH are pretty attractive but I wouldn't say I've ever had crushes on any of them. But then again I've kind of pushed myself away from having crushes since about the ninth grade so maybe that has something to do with it.

Anyway, too many tangential details so far. I need to work on that. But the thing today that made me start thinking about all of this was that the one guy who I know from a band that would almost fall under the band-crush category was telling me he liked my new photos (check them out please) and it made me smile because I had complained that it's always hard to get people to actually look at them and he said he always does. It was cute, and a big part of why he kind of falls into that list has nothing to do with the fact that he's in a band, but more because of what a nice guy he is. He's totally sweet to people he hardly knows (ie me) and I've never seen or heard him be the least bit mean, even about the band he was in that pretty much kicked him out. But anyway. I guess my point is that it's kind of silly to like someone just because they are in a band, or to like a band just because its members are aesthetically pleasing. Which also reminds me of all the screaming children that went to see the Plain White T's/Takota show at the block. I wanted to shoot most of them because maybe two percent of them knew any of the words to Takota's songs and Ashley and I have been seeing them play for years now. (Grumble grumble, no appreciation for good music these days, blah blah.)

I could go on but then this would just turn into a rant about what I just wrote in those parentheses (how the hell do you spell that?) and I'd just rather not.

I think it should be Friday evening right about now. If I could just skip twenty four hours I think I might go for that actually. Living alone (sort of) can be nice for a while but it's getting really old by now. :/

slipping into something more comfortable

2008-08-13T21:04:00.000-07:00

I've pretty much tried to make my posts on this blog more thoughtful and at least semi-important regarding the topics, but I feel it's about time for a random bullshit rant.

Today the power went out for a few hours and it was sad how excited I got when it came back on. I was actually kind of enjoying just sitting on the porch with my iPod and a piece of paper, scribbling down lyrics and such, but when I heard the fan turn on inside the door, I practically jumped up. Human dependency on technology is a little ridiculous.

The other night, I think.. Monday night.. OH! I have weekend stories first. So I think I drove out to Tustin around noon on Sunday or so, caught the Plain White T's and Takota show at the block, took some sweet group pictures and said hello to the lovely boys of Takota. Ashley and I hung out with Alex Buster for a bit which was fun. He's pretty cute and a very funny person. After thatttt we went to see Vick and meet his dog Toby. I might have the order of events wrong. Pretty sure I do in fact. Oh well, we hung out with a bunch of cute dogs and saw Justin and Vick for a little bit. Went to Denny's with Jason after that. Yum yum, french toast.

Awkward side note- I was watching The Brave One before I got online and I never changed the channel.. I think some cheesy Cinemax porn is on now. Blehhh.

Anyway, I had a gas station conflict that night too. We pulled into some station and none of the easy-to-approach pumps were open and some bitch hadn't pulled all the way forward so I had to get around in front of her and back up and as soon as I'm done reversing, she honks cause she's done filling up and wants to leave. I'm not a fan of controversy but I wasn't even about to get out of her way when she didn't bother pulling up all the way, so the whole time I filled up my gas she sat there behind me, waiting.. with her engine on. Fucking dumb, but sort of ironic. She was too stubborn to move so she decided she'd rather waste the gas she had just bought. LOLZ to her. And then as soon as I got back in my car, before I had even turned the engine back on, she finally decided to go around. Soooo stupid. Oh well..

So thennnn on Monday I met up with my mom and my brother at the Toyota dealership because my tire was shredded. I thought there was some problem with the alignment but I hadn't actually given it a look and my mom flipped the fuck out. "Blah blah blah, I know you learned stuff in that class! Blah blah, you should've known, you could've had a blow out! Rah rah I'm so mad ARGHHHH." Much along those lines. Anyway, we had Togo's and got new tires at Costco and thennnn I went to the Spectrum with Justin, Vick, Ronda and Carolina. I bought a new Sarah Dessen book at Barnes and Noble, Just Listen. I drove home afterward and stayed up til around five in the morning reading the book. :) I was up so late that the first trash truck came in the morning and reminded me I needed to take out the bins. Whoops.

So anyway. Today the power went out. That was just about the only exciting event. Cinemax pornos are really really dumb, in case you wanted to know. My dad's work picnic is on Friday so I'm going to drive back down to Tustin for that and then stay the night and go to Ashley's Grandma's surprise birthday party thing on Saturday. It's actually supposed to be a big family function but it's also the last time I'm gonna see Ashley before she moves. :( Sad day. After that I'm gonna come home again and thennn go back one more time on Tuesday for a show at Chain and a bike ride either Tuesday or Wednesday I think. Yay! Summer is fun when I'm not stuck at home alone.

I don't know if anyone reads this, or if anyone that does will understand this.. but afternoon meatloaf is still making attempts at talking to me. I thought I was free but alas, I am not. :(

I really need to change the TV channel. This shit is ridiculous. The post title is kind of ironic considering I wrote that out before the program changed. Lulz.

are you username ladiesman217?

2008-08-12T18:22:00.001-07:00

Like I said before, I never know what to write about in a blog until my fingers hit the keys. I've been out of town for a few days, or back in town depending on how you want to look at things, and I kind of wish I knew where my journal was and that I'd had it with me. I haven't written anything tangible in a while but I still can't find a lot of things. Such is moving-life. Anyway, I opened the Blogger tab today as well as one for myspace, facebook, AP, my bank account, and surely others. Then I remembered that I wasn't home or with a computer on Sunday to read PostSecret so I immediately opened a tab for that as well, and voila, I had a topic. :)

If you know me well, you've probably heard me talk about how great I think PostSecret is. (not a good word to end a sentence with, but it'll do.) The entire project just blows me away and I'm so glad that Frank Warren thought it up one day and had the courage to tell someone about it and I am so glad that it took off like it did. I'm thankful for every person that has the courage to send in a secret of their own for the rest of us to read and relate to, or just to think about for a few seconds.

I've been saving secrets every week for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I miss a week, but I've got quite a collection going on various hard drives around the house from more than a year's worth of Sunday updates. One of the first secrets I saved was a simple one, without any words, but just a drawing. The card was painted dark grey and had a heart to one side, outlined in gold and filled in with black. It's been posted in many a myspace bulletin and I've showed to a million people, I'm sure. I never really knew what it meant but it has been my favorite card for just about as long as I've known what PostSecret was and it means a lot to me. More so now than it did in the first place, especially since I found out that I knew the person who sent it in.

I was discussing the site and the overall project with a friend one day and we were talking about favorites or something and I showed him the beautifully simplistic card with the heart on it and he confessed that it was his own. He explained what it meant to him when he made it, that it was about how he felt that he always had good intentions, the heart with the golden lining, but it was consistently empty because his intentions were more often than not ill-received. I wish I had saved the conversation so I could remember it better but I'm pretty sure I got the meaning somewhat accurately. Anyway, I'm so thankful for even just knowing that connection that I have, because that's a huge part of what PostSecret is I think. It brings complete strangers together (strangers are just friends waiting to happen, will you be mine?) on a weekly basis and lets each and every person know that they are not alone in whatever they're feeling. Everyone's got a secret, whether they realize it or not, and it's almost a certainty that someone else can relate.

Anyway. That's my fun little rant for the day. :) I strongly urge you to stop by the website (right here) and take a gander. It'll only take a few minutes of your time. And if you're too busy for that, I'll just show you the card that spawned this post in the first place. I hope you all had a lovely weekend (whoever reads this) and I wish you a swell week to come.

hello seattle, i am an albatross.

2008-08-08T18:19:00.000-07:00

Alright so I moved on to a new song for repeating all day long..
"Another Bag of Bones" by Kevin Devine is so damn good. He played it live with Jesse Lacey at the Roxy and I saved the lyrics in my phone to look up later. It's a great song. His music in general is pretty incredible.

There was some--

I started to post a second blog yesterday but that was as far as I got. :) I don't even know how that sentence was going to end haha. I'm not sure how the rest of this blog is going to end either cause, like I told Garrett earlier, I never know what I want to write about until I start writing. He suggested Mean Girls which is kind of funny cause my only other idea so far almost relates to that subject anyway. Stick around for a while, cause we're gonna have ourselves a story time folks. Names will be left out for the sake of being polite and so I don't have to feel like a terrible person for talking about people that don't know they're being talked about. Er- written about.

So there's this girl I know. She just turned fourteen last month I believe and has led.. an interesting life, to say the least. From what I can tell, she's the kind of kid whose life you take one look at and instantly feel sorry for. You want to help, to show her what she's doing wrong and explain how much better off she could be, but you know it's not up to you and she probably wouldn't listen anyway. For the most part it seems her life is the way it is due to bad parenting. Her real dad is a bit of a screw up and hasn't been in the picture for quite some time. It seemed like he was trying to get his life back on track lately, keeping a steady job and spending some time with her, but I just heard today that things weren't going as great on his side as it sounded like they were. The real issue though is her mom. This girl's mom is in her thirties but she tries to act more like the girl's best friend than her parent. She treats her more like a doll than her own daughter. Recently I was informed that she would be buying her daughter snakebites for her fourteenth birthday and while I laughed at my own mother for being old-enough to poke fun by saying things like, "Sure, that's what I'll do, mutilate my daughter's face for her birthday," I couldn't help but feel sorry for the girl.

I've heard much more gruesome things about her life than that but I don't want to be too detailed. I just hate to see situations like that where you know she's gonna end up in a place she regrets and wishes she could go back from and start over. We can all hope that she'll end up okay in the long run but situations like this are the kind of thing that make me terrified of having kids. The thought of shaping a person's entire personality and morals and behavior and influencing every aspect of their being just.. scares the shit out of me. That's such a huge responsibility that so many people fuck up horrendously and I'd hate to be another name on that list. If I turned out to be a bad parent, I would hate myself. In my mind, there are two types of parents that people try too hard not to become. Nobody wants to be the mean, strict, bad-guy parent, so they end up going way too easy and their kid turns out to be a crackwhore slut because of it. (Obviously an extreme case hah) Or you fear letting your kids get hurt in any way so you crack down too hard and they hate you for it anyway. I guess the way to go would be to try to combine the two and end up somewhere in the middle but it's gotta be so much more complicated than that. Writing it out like this makes it sound easy almost, but if it were easy, you'd think people would be a lot less fucked up than they are.

This reminds me of a story I read in Rolling Stone the other day, about the kid who started the Nebraska mall shooting last year. It was right before Christmas and he felt like his life had been a complete waste and he'd never be able to get himself back on track so why not kill himself and take a few others with him? His entire life had been lived in foster homes and boys' homes after his parents split up. When he was just a baby his parents were always violent which was probably a major cause of his issues in the first place. It was horrible. And it made me think that no matter how hard you try to be a good parent, even if you can find the medium between too soft and too strict, there's still no guarantee that your kid isn't gonna turn out to be a whack job anyway. And obviously you can't control that and it wouldn't be your fault necessarily but you can't really convince someone of something like that after some kind of massacre.

I don't even know what the hell I'm talking about anymore. This is turning into a crazy ramble but maybe it made some sense so far and I should just quit before I stop making any sense at all. I do wanna say one last thing though, because thinking about parenting and all made me stop and consider my own family, and I think my main complaint, if I try and ignore all the small things that bug the shit out of me, is that even after eighteen years, they still can't seem to trust me to make my own decisions. I know they're looking out for my best interests and all, but shouldn't happiness be in my best interests? And shouldn't I be the best judge of what makes me happy? I kinda just wish they would believe me when I tell them what I want and who I want to be with and support me in those kinds of decisions.

For Mike

2008-08-08T14:13:00.000-07:00

So Mike wanted a blog with proper capitalization, and I've got nothing better to do at the moment other than pay for my stupid stupid parking ticket that I got at Freshman Orientation. >:( Not a happy camper about that one. But anyway, since I am a procrastinator and a lazy child, I'd much rather sit here and type about random whatnots than go write a check.

I think if I had iTunes and audioscrobbler hooked up on this computer, Jesse Shannon's cover of "Colorblind" would've already overtaken the most-played song spot, making all five of my top played songs by him. I've literally been playing this track on repeat for a good week now and I haven't even begun to get tired of it. It's such a beautiful song and a wonderful cover too. Having been written by Adam Duritz definitely doesn't hurt either. I love the Counting Crows. I didn't even know about this song until I'd heard Jesse's cover but I guess it wasn't a single or anything. I don't even know why or what it is about his music, but Jesse Shannon is like.. a freaking genius in my mind. I've tried to tell a few people on AP to listen to him but no one's ever been all that enthusiastic about it. I think he's wonderful though. This cover, as well as "I Am and I Got Mine," "Free," "To See You," and "Going Back South" are all ridiculously good songs. He's got a few others that I also listen to somewhat frequently but I'm on the verge of obsession with those first five. He'd probably think I was nuts if he knew how much I listen to his music, haha. Oh well. I enjoy it and that's all that matters. :)

I was actually just talking to my boyfriend about liking music that everyone else hates. I tend to like a lot of bands that people either used to like and moved on from or never liked at all. I'm still a big fan of Fall Out Boy, even if I don't love Infinity On High as much as their earlier records. I can totally dig Riot, even though everyone and their brother seems to hate Paramore with a fiery passion. That shouldn't matter at all, but it seems to some people it does. I love listening to arguments regarding music because, unlike those involved in the actual argument, I know it's not going anywhere. You can argue all you want about whether Deja Entendu is better than Your Favourite Weapon, or whether Brand New is greater than Taking Back Sunday, but in the end it really doesn't matter. Each person obviously has a different opinion, and I don't care how much you know about the technicalities of music, it's still my opinion that Brand New is better. If I wanted to argue for the hell of it, I'd say that Deja is the better album, if only on the basis of which one I like more, because, to be honest, I don't know shit about music. But I know what I like, and that's all I need to know. I couldn't care less if you think I'm wrong because music isn't about right or wrong, and it isn't about which record sells more copies (or it shouldn't be anyway). It's about the way it moves you, how it makes you feel and if the artist can get you to think about something (here I go again with the writing thing), then his or her job is a job well done.

I opened this tab with no idea what I was going to write about. I tend to do that a lot actually. I just felt like spending a few minutes doing something mildly productive. Okay, fine, I just wanted to get out of taking out the trash for a few more minutes, but this was more enjoyable anyway. :)

trying to write.

2008-08-07T18:05:00.000-07:00

i need some inspiration. i never know what to write anymore but i figure the only way to get better at writing is to keep doing it. i never really got feedback from journalism but i always liked writing anyway.

i wish i could write like so many people i know. and don't know. i wish i could write blogs like todd, or like georgia joe, or like heychris gutierrez. they all can write in such a way that keeps you reading, it keeps you captivated and you don't wanna stop reading until you've read every word they've ever written. their words make me think, they make me want to change the way i think in general and the way i live. i wish i could write like that, in a way that could inspire people, or in the very least, a way that could make them think, even just for the few minutes they were logged onto my journal until they moved onto the next website.

i want to write blogs that people really enjoy reading, and that they look forward to seeing something new on. whenever i sit down to write an update lately, i don't know what to write. i haven't been up to anything other than sitting around the house and watching tv. i've been watching a lot of great movies lately though, like today is the third time i've watched almost famous this summer. i watched forgest gump again today as well and i saw jarhead yesterday. i know there have been others but those are the freshest in my memory. watching almost famous again is what made me want to try writing again actually. this movie is so great. it pretty much embodies exactly what i want to do with my life. how wonderful would it be to go on tour with a band and live the entire lifestyle just to write an article about them? i think that would be such a great experience.

the other day my dad sent me an email about local clubs and venues and suggested i send them a few of the articles i wrote last year and ask if they were interested in reviews. i'm thinking that might not be a bad idea. first i've gotta get back into writing. i should've written about the jesse lacey show. i could write paaages about that one. i'm still considering that idea as well.

anyway, i just wanted to see how difficult or easy it'd be to write down more than a few lines about anything cause it's been increasingly hard to do lately. i'd say the main cause is the fact that i haven't been really living lately. at least not when i'm at home. i never do anything so maybe that's why i feel like i never have anything to write about. i should work on that.