day sixteen - holding on to yourself the best you can

This evening, as I was rolling my bike down the driveway for a short ride around the block, my mother told me I need to "step up the job search." It's so utterly frustrating to keep trying the same places over again when I've been turned away or turned down so many times before. It's hard to keep trying when you've never seen positive results to begin with. Especially when it's something I have no control over. There's not a damn thing I can do to convince someone to hire me or to make it easier for myself to get a job. I don't know what I'm doing wrong so I don't know how to do better.

So that's what I thought about while riding my bike around the block. When I got home I thought I was going to pass out or throw up, probably from dehydration, so I had a cold shower and laid down for a few minutes. I've been trying to work out a tiny bit every day, just as a start. I know you're supposed to eat healthy and work out and do a combination of things, but that can all come later I guess. I've just been doing a few crunches and leg lifts before bed each night. I would like to ride my bike more but it just gets so damn hot out so I usually wait until just before dark when I'm less likely to melt straight onto the asphalt. I really hate living in the desert. I was not meant for warm weather.

I'm listening to my recordings from the Jesse Lacey solo show at the Roxy last year and it's making me so much more excited to see Brand New in a few weeks. I've been listening to The Devil and God a lot lately, and Deja Entendu is pretty much my go-to album when I'm feeling depressed. I should probably listen to that again soon. I'm not generally one to hype bands up, but I really love Brand New to death. No matter how many times I see them (this month will be my fifth time, counting the solo show), it never gets less exciting for me. I literally get giddy at the thought. Last time I saw them, they played a free festival at USC and I brought my friend Spencer who'd never seen them before. That was really fun for me because I knew how excited he was too and it was such a great set and well worth the day-long wait. Seeing the whole band play in a smaller venue is going to be so wonderful.

When I disappear, it is clear I am up to no good.

day four

Four days in and I'm already out of things to write.

How about some upcoming events?

Tuesday June 23rd - Takota's return to Chain + the Audition.
Friday June 26th - Warped Tour with Jason
Saturday June 27th - Andrew's birthday!
Friday July 10th - Ace Enders, Person L, the Dangerous Summer and the Gay Blades all at Chain with a parking lot barbecue before the show.
Saturday July 18th - Brand New at the Troubadour. :D :D :D

Hopefully shortly after that last one Ashley will finally be coming home. I miss her to death. And hopefully by then I will have a job and hopefully I'll be able to get time off and drive her back to San Francisco with her sister and her mom and get to see her apartment and maybe if I have money then we can go exploring and do lots of fun things. :) I'd very much enjoy that.

Since I still haven't been to the mall this week, due to both my laziness and my fear of rejection, I decided to print out the directory of every store at the mall complete with phone numbers and a map. I circled priority stores (I tend to be picky, which is a problem) and I've got 24 to start with, after which I'll start calling the rest. There are plenty of places to try outside of the mall but I'd like to see if I can't find something there. I also still need to call back the stores at Ontario Mills but I'd rather work close to home. That's a more reasonable thing to be picky about than the job itself I think.

I always write about the same things.

day two

Summertime and the livin's easy? I only finished classes last Thursday and I'm already out of stuff to do. Definitely need to find a job ASAP. I think I'll head to the mall tomorrow and pick up a bunch of applications, fill 'em out in the food court and take them all back. Should probably also call the three places I applied at in the Ontario Mills mall last Friday as well.

I'm really hoping that with Summer classes canceled, I'll have a little more luck in my pursuit. Having no experience has been an issue so far but I dunno. It's hard to be optimistic but I just need something to get my foot in the door. Jason's friend Amanda said I could probably get a job at her work so I might take her up on that too.

Other things to look forward to: Takota's return to Chain, hopefully Warped with Jason, the Ace Enders barbecue party and show with the Gay Blades, Person L and the Dangerous Summer. I'd really really like to go see Fun, Limbeck and Hellogoodbye at Chain too but I dunno if I'll have money to buy tickets. I hate asking for extra money from my parents. (job job job)

I've yet to be productive today so I think I'll at least try to get some laundry done. Maybe go for a short bike ride. I need to do SOMETHING.

365 day blog - day one

So I'm thinking I might have to steal the whole 365 days blog idea from everyone who's already done it before me, just to make myself write. Michael put the idea in my head again after reading his blog the other day. Maybe we'll call this day one.

It's summer now. I finished the quarter from hell, probably with really poor grades. Definitely not with grades I can be proud of, that's for sure. Summer quarter got canceled because of budget cuts so now I REALLY need to find a job, as if it wasn't stressed enough before. I really hate money.

I'm gonna be vain and annoying for two seconds and wish that I had myself a boy. A nice, respectable boy who doesn't mind an affectionate girl, because that's how I roll. The end.

I've been playing more guitar lately. I think, to me, that's either the most interesting or most important (or both) part of this entry.

this is the price you pay for loss of control

It's really difficult for me not to start blogs with the words "so." I seem to do it every single time for whatever reason. Anyway, it's been 2009 for three weeks now and it's actually starting to feel like things are finally changing a little bit, maybe. Nothing too drastic, so far, but that's okay by me.

I started my new classes for the quarter. I'm taking Communication Theory, Study of Women and Men in Society, Intro to Philosophy, and History of Western Art. The subjects are all fairly interesting; it's just taking me a while to get back into the idea of being at school all day twice a week. It still sucks quite a bit. (but God didn't wanna be, God didn't wanna be such an asshole.) Time for some Modest Mouse.

ANYway. Still looking for jobs, but it seems like maybe some places are finally hiring. I applied at Super Target the other week and I'm turning in a Kohl's application tomorrow. I've applied at a ton of places in Moreno Valley already, but I'll probably just have to head out a little further and find some more because I really need a damn job. Badly. Having money to put away every so often would be nice though, that's for sure. I obviously don't want to live with my parents forever, thankful as I am for all that they're doing for me. I'd like to retain a little of my sanity, please. :)

Winter break (Ashley's mostly) has been a lot of fun. Having friends come back from school makes for a lot of sweet hangs. I saw Danny a few times and I've been staying at Ashley's every so often. We went to Disneyland with Jason yesterday and that was a lot of fun of course. I <3 Disney so much, they were sort of constantly making fun of me for geeking out all day. All in good fun though.

First kiss of 2009 counts as another new thing I suppose, unexpected and strange as it was. Not that I'm complaining. I figure I already overanalyzed it enough after it happened, so I'm just gonna stop trying to figure out what it meant (probably nothing) and not worry so much. If it happens again so be it, and if not, that's okay too. I just don't want things to be awkward because I have few enough friends to see from time to time as it is.

As for today, I'm sitting in the library at school again because my first two classes got canceled so now I have free time until one PM. I've got my first quiz in Gender Studies to take in a few, and my first Art test on Tuesday. I think my books finally arrived this week too, so I can catch up on Philosophy stuff. I'll have to remember to take that quiz tomorrow as well. Wish me luck.

Happy 2009. Happy new President this week (side note: How cool is it that the first election I got to vote in ended up being quite literally a truly memorable historical event? Right on). Happy Thursday. Have a great weekend, a great month, a great year, and may anything else that comes your way be just as great as all of the above. :)

i know i'm not your favorite record

I just had one of those instances where you start crying out of nowhere, completely unprovoked. I've been having a really really shitty week. Or few months. Or life, kinda since graduation you could say.

I refuse to believe that high school was the peak of my life, but everything since then has blown completely. I moved an hour away from the city I've lived in my entire life. Away from the few friends I made in high school, from the best friend I've known since third grade. She moved seven hours away to San Francisco. Since I moved I've gone to a few shows alone, a few with Jason and one or two with my dad. Other than that, I think I've driven back to Tustin twice.Once for Tiller Days and once to hang out with Matt on Halloween. I have no friends here, I have nowhere to go when I want to get out of the house. I sorta know a few people in my classes, but not well enough to hang out with really. I rely on the internet as a connection to my peers rather than actually talking to them. I have more friends on AP than I do in real life anymore. I can't get a job to save my life and my mom often refuses to see that I'm even trying to.

I'm just starting to feel really fucking worthless and pathetic and I'm not enjoying any part of my life anymore. I'm excited for Ashley to come back down to SoCal and hang out for a few days. And a bit for Thanksgiving. It'll be nice to have plans at all for once. I don't even know what I'm doing for my birthday this year.

I hate the way you say my name like it's something secret.

Today I watched a movie called Snow Angels, with Kate Beckinsale and Sam Rockwell anddd Michael Angarano.

Aaaaand part two. Because I never finished this post yesterday.

I'm in a much better mood today. Feeling more hopeful/optimistic. One of the first things I watched today on AP was an AbsolutExclusive of a Relient K Christmas cover. They put it against a super cute animated video and it kinda just made me happy that it's almost the holiday season, even if I don't exactly have someone to spend it with. Even when you're alone for the holidays, you pretty much can't help but feel a little cheerful. So I'm gonna try to be more positive and hopeful about changes to come. I mean, what else can I really do?

Plus I just watched my two favorite scenes from Almost Famous, and that always helps too. So I leave you with this quote:

"The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you're uncool."

back in school they never taught us what we needed to know

I literally have to make a conscious decision not to start my blogs with the word "so." It's a little bit sad.

Anyway, I figured my first day of college would be a good thing to blog about. It was kind of exhausting, mostly because of all the walking and the hot weather, but not too bad otherwise. I was late for my first class which annoys me endlessly because I was up at five thirty and out of the house by six forty. Class started at eight. Traffic around the school was AWFUL though, and thus, I was fifteen minutes late. I grabbed the last desk and two kids came in after me. The COM101 teacher seems nice though. She reminds me of Mrs. Mintz a little. I think I'm gonna like that class a lot actually. We're basically gonna analyze every aspect of media and how it works and how its audiences are affected, et cetera. Should be fun.

Next I have COM204/Advocacy and Argument. Class got cut short because the teacher didn't have her room key yet, but she handed out the syllabus and a list of topics to choose from, one of which will be the subject of a speech we'll be giving in an upcoming class. I didn't realize it was a public-speaking class. This news terrifies me greatly. From our short time together (about ten minutes), I can only assume that the professor is quite straight-laced and serious. :/ Anyway, since class was cut short, I had almost three hours to kill until my next one. I mostly hung out in the library because I'm a big loner with no friends yet. Sad.

Freshman Experience is actually probably going to be a fun class for me. I had no idea what to expect out of it but it's mostly about getting involved on campus and getting the most out of my college experience, blah blah blah. I made a new friend in the hall before we went in. His name was David and he seemed shy/awkward in the same way that I am so that was kind of funny. I also recognized a few girls from my orientation group in the class so hopefully I'll have a few people to talk to in there. :) I liked the professor for that class too. I think she'll be my favorite.

After that I had another forty five minutes to kill, and thennn on to Statistics with Applications. Doesn't that sound like bundles of fun? Yes. Definitely. The first chapter's homework wasn't so bad actually, but that's because it was the first chapter. As long as I pass, I won't mind too much. Ms./Mrs. Shirley seemed a little silly though. She kept trying to make jokes that weren't all that funny and then proceeded to be the only person laughing. She seems nice enough though.

Sad news: First quarter finals are on my birthday, which by the way is only two months and eleven days away now. Seriously, when the hell did that happen? Eighteen went by way too damn fast. And I have a terrible memory for specifics. I'm worried that when I get old and have a family to tell stories to, I won't have any good ones because I won't remember enough about my life to tell. That's a sad thought.

As of half an hour ago, it's my new friend Jacob's birthday. His friends are jerks and decided to ditch him for a party (who does that?!) but I still hope he has a good one. I made him a pretty neat card today and I'm gonna send it on Monday so hopefully that'll help a little. :)

I need to get a jobbbb. My mom tried to crack down a little about that again. We went to Red Robin on Thursday, after my first day of class, and I brought up the idea of visiting Ashley in the end of October and getting a job in November (when everywhere I applied told me to try again) and she proceeded to ignore my idea and tell me I'm too picky and that she didn't care if I don't want to work with food. :/ I applied at the $2 theater down the street and printed an application for the other main theater at the mall. It's not even that I don't want a job, I do. And it's not like I've never tried because I have. I know I'm picky, but hearing how much everyone hates their own jobs worries me a little. I'd rather have a job that I'll enjoy, or at least one that allows for enjoyable benefits. Bleh. We'll see what happens I guess.

I need to learn how to meet people and make new friends. It's tougher than it sounds. Or maybe I make it sound tougher than it is.