i'm a goddamn piece of work.

We talked today, for the first time in quite a while. I’ve decided not to tell him that I miss him, because if I mess with his head anymore or even chance the possibility of hurting him again, I will hate myself so much. But I did apologize, again, for everything I’d ever put him through. So he called and asked if I was okay. Ha.

We talked a while about random things and then he had to go. Said he’d call me back. Didn’t. Probably better that way. I don’t like not talking to him but I’m terrified that if we keep it up, we’ll just end up the same way we did twice before and I’ll hurt him again just like I did twice before. The repetition is pretty pathetic. It’s so cyclical. I’d love to believe that we can just be friends without falling into the same cycle, but I wouldn’t bet on me.

I drove to LAX tonight to pick up my brother. I hadn’t been since I went to pick HIM up, last year in May. I sat in my car with the engine off, just gripping the wheel and trying not to sob. I miss everything we had so much, up until the part where it wasn’t enough anymore. I was so fucking happy up until he had to leave again. That night at the airport was the single most heartbreaking night of my life thus far. That night is why I hate being at airports now. They overwhelm me.

When I pulled in to park, there was a couple standing by the car opposite me, making out. I wondered who had returned from being away and what the rest of their night would hold, and then I hated them. I envied them and I couldn’t look away. I felt disgusted at myself. Envy is such an ugly trait.

I talked to someone about some of this today. I wish I’d saved the conversation, because some of what he said really helped. I know it’s only been a year and a half, so to think that I’ll never get over it seems dramatic, but I do worry that I’ll never stop missing what we had. Especially because it didn’t end as an effect of some conflict. It only ended because I couldn’t handle not knowing how things would turn out. I couldn’t handle the uncertainty, so I broke his heart.

And now I can’t stop thinking about how something someone else said came completely true. Because he wasn’t the first. A girl I knew said she pitied me once because I was missing out on something by having my first love focused on someone far away. It’s almost funny how right she was, just about the wrong person.

I wish I could turn off my brain sometimes.

on the fourth of july!

Drove past John Wayne on the way home tonight and almost cried. Why can't I just forget?

Dr. John's Fourth of July party was fun. I mostly hung out with my mom, laughed a other peoples' adorable babies and played a few games of pool. I beat both of my parents and lost to a thirteen year old. Some kids can actually be pretty chill though, when they're not obnoxious. There were six kids I was hanging out with in the pool room at one point. Two pairs of brothers and then one brother and sister. In each pair, the younger sibling was always the annoying child. Funny how that works.

Everyone seemed to enjoy the cookies my mom and I made this morning. They were oatmeal and chocolate chip, and the whole plate got cleared off before the fireworks started. We could see three different fireworks shows from John's balcony, all fairly close. Fireworks are pretty fun to watch. I really enjoy the ones that leave trails of light in the sky, or the ones that fan out and turn into dozens of smaller explosions. (in the sky?)

On our way there, we stopped at the Albertson's by my best friend's mother's house and it made me feel so nostalgic. Every time I'm near or in Tustin, I really really miss living there. We got some drinks, including a few Kahlua Mudslides which I would highly recommend. They are delicious. I had one while we were eating and before I even finished, I lost balance while I was squatting down and fell on my butt. That led to plenty of jokes about how I'd had too much to drink. Highly embarrassing. That was the only drink I had, but when we were in the car my dad told me not to get too carried away with myself. Anyone who knows my dad will understand why this is humorous.

It's still fairly early but I'm extremely tired. I think I'm going to see the Proposal with my mom tomorrow, or maybe we'll see Up instead. I'm not sure yet.

day twenty - a day late?

So I've decided that since I always end up posting outside of my 24 hour limit and end up posting really pointless stuff, I'm not gonna worry too much about the once-a-day business. I'd rather post less often and have it be more meaningful than post about arbitrary bullshit on a daily basis.

That being said, I don't really have anything good to write about today. I went out with my mom and got some new shoes and a shirt. At Target I noticed they still have the same sunglasses that you bought me last summer. The same sunglasses that broke once because the screw wasn't tight enough to hold the arm on. I probably still have the original pair somewhere because I kept it, along with the loose screw and the detached arm, in a ziploc bag. I ended up buying the same pair again, and it broke too, in the same way. I gave up after that. It almost seems metaphorical. I kept trying but it was too hard for me and in the end, I gave up. Or maybe that's just the way I like to see it because it hurts too much to think that I hurt you for my own selfish reasons. I doubt I'll ever stop missing you. They always say you never forget your first love.

day thirteen - on nostalgia

I wasn't sure what to write about tonight, but I found a bunch of pictures from eighth to tenth grade or so on my dad's computer earlier today and a CD with pictures and movies from early high school that Justin Scott had made and they got me all nostalgic. So I suppose that shall be the topic of the day!

I'm so glad cameras exist, and that creative people are always around capturing the moments that turn into memories. I have a terrible memory so it's always really helpful for me to have pictures to look back on later and reminisce about past events. Especially when you consider how drastically things can change over the course of a few years, it seems like pictures are one of the only ways to prove to yourself that things really were the way they once were. It's almost weird for me to see pictures of myself and Ashley and Jessi together, looking happy and friendly of all things.

It's taken me a ridiculously long time to find a way NOT to miss that girl. Of course, we've all changed over the years and become different people to some extent but when I think of all the ways she's changed from someone I once admired and even envied to someone I don't even recognize, it's hard to remember what she was like. It's hard to remember how we were once so close, how I spent almost every weekend at her house and how we would stay up late in her room with the lights off, just talking. Maybe it's not hard to remember, but it's hard to imagine there being a time when it was like that. It's almost inconceivable to think that I would always bring her house-sitting. I remember one night we were upstairs and writing out a list of things to talk about on the phone with Alan before we called him. I remember confiding in her every time I fought with my dad and she would always tell me how much better I deserved and to hang in there because one day, things would be different. I owe her so much and I will always be grateful for the friendship we had, but I know there's no point in missing her anymore because she's not the same person.

I've always said that I missed the way things once were but I knew they could never be the same, though that never stopped me from wishing they could be. I've always defended her or at least kept my mouth shut when others began to think poorly of her. I've always strained to see the girl who was once my best friend somewhere inside of the person she became. I know she's not the same anymore and I finally understand that it's no use missing someone who is no longer around and never will be. I miss the girl I used to know, but I'm done wishing that somehow, magically, she'll show up again.

It's kind of funny how much you can learn from yourself and from your own memories.