i know i'm not your favorite record

I just had one of those instances where you start crying out of nowhere, completely unprovoked. I've been having a really really shitty week. Or few months. Or life, kinda since graduation you could say.

I refuse to believe that high school was the peak of my life, but everything since then has blown completely. I moved an hour away from the city I've lived in my entire life. Away from the few friends I made in high school, from the best friend I've known since third grade. She moved seven hours away to San Francisco. Since I moved I've gone to a few shows alone, a few with Jason and one or two with my dad. Other than that, I think I've driven back to Tustin twice.Once for Tiller Days and once to hang out with Matt on Halloween. I have no friends here, I have nowhere to go when I want to get out of the house. I sorta know a few people in my classes, but not well enough to hang out with really. I rely on the internet as a connection to my peers rather than actually talking to them. I have more friends on AP than I do in real life anymore. I can't get a job to save my life and my mom often refuses to see that I'm even trying to.

I'm just starting to feel really fucking worthless and pathetic and I'm not enjoying any part of my life anymore. I'm excited for Ashley to come back down to SoCal and hang out for a few days. And a bit for Thanksgiving. It'll be nice to have plans at all for once. I don't even know what I'm doing for my birthday this year.

I hate the way you say my name like it's something secret.

Today I watched a movie called Snow Angels, with Kate Beckinsale and Sam Rockwell anddd Michael Angarano.

Aaaaand part two. Because I never finished this post yesterday.

I'm in a much better mood today. Feeling more hopeful/optimistic. One of the first things I watched today on AP was an AbsolutExclusive of a Relient K Christmas cover. They put it against a super cute animated video and it kinda just made me happy that it's almost the holiday season, even if I don't exactly have someone to spend it with. Even when you're alone for the holidays, you pretty much can't help but feel a little cheerful. So I'm gonna try to be more positive and hopeful about changes to come. I mean, what else can I really do?

Plus I just watched my two favorite scenes from Almost Famous, and that always helps too. So I leave you with this quote:

"The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you're uncool."

i am a writer, a writer of fiction

I really really miss having a life. And things to write about. And friends to see and places to go and things to do. I miss those all so much.