so this is the new year

Prepare yourself for yet another introspective end-of-the-year blog, as I'm sure everyone you know that blogs has already written one.

Generally speaking, I feel the same way about New Years as I do about birthdays. It's fun to celebrate and make an occasion out of, but I never really feel any differently from one day to the next. I don't think anyone does, because change doesn't really work that way. Of course some things do change rapidly and over night, but when it comes to personal growth and the kind of change you're looking for at the end of the year, it doesn't. That kind of change takes time.

This year, for example, I feel like I've changed A LOT. Much more than I have in past years. A lot of people that were in my life at the beginning of the year aren't anymore. In most cases, I think that was an improvement, even if it left my Friday nights a little lonelier. Some of the people I lost, I'll probably never speak to again. I still miss my Uncle Russ every single day. It's been almost seven months since my family said goodbye to one of the best people I've ever known.

Others I miss more for the social aspect of having someone to do things with more than I actually miss them as people, mainly because they were never very good friends. Some of them I miss every day because they were very good friends for a very long time, but that kind of loss isn't permanent and the new year is potentially the perfect time to reconcile.

Beyond losing friends and family, many other things have changed for me this year. I met and fell in love with someone twice my age, something I never would have expected to happen. We've been together for five months now and I couldn't be happier about it. It's a little stressful being in a relationship that very few people approve of, but luckily, I don't need anyone else's approval to be sure of how I feel about him.

I started working at Taco Bell this year, for my first job ever. Having an income is nice but mostly it just assured me more than ever that fast food is not something I want to make a career out of.

I turned twenty one this year. This hasn't proven to be a hugely life-changing event, but it's something.

My life isn't everything I want it to be right now, but there are a lot of things about that I love. Well, maybe not a lot, but a few. Enough for me to be happy. There are a lot of things I want to change too, and maybe those will be my "resolutions," though I never really worry much about this. I don't think anyone needs the excuse of a new year to want to make changes or goals for their life.

Gandhi once said, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world," but I think it applies to personal change too. Whether it's changing something about yourself or something in your life, you have to make it happen. You can't wait around for things to work out. You have to make things work the way you want them to. In fact, I think THAT will be my resolution this year if I have to have one.

Instead of sitting around and waiting for shit to happen to me, I'm going to make my life the way I want it to be. I'm not going to use the excuse of waiting. If I don't change things for myself, I'll own up to that, but I have goals and ideas and things I want to do with my life and I will work on them. I will work on me.

i'm not afraid to watch you change me

I had an idea a few weeks back to write a blog about resolutions and change, and I even started it, but never finished. Go figure.

Mindy White, of the band Lydia, posted something on Tumblr a while back that gave me the idea. She posted a quote from Martin Luther King, which read, “Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” After the quote she added, "2010. time for turning over a new leaf. actually, more like turning over an entire new tree. it's a year of changes."

For the past few years, since I've really been mature enough to care about bettering myself, the only resolutions I've made have always been about being more outgoing and making more friends. The one thing I'd love to change most about myself is how shy I am. I'm fine with talking to people as long as they initiate conversations, but it's incredibly difficult for me to approach anyone on my own. Whether they're just potential friends or people I'm attracted to, it terrifies me to make the first move for some reason. Or it has until now.

This past New Year's Eve was the first in a while that I gave no thought whatsoever to making a resolution. Personally, I don't think NYE is the only time you should worry about changing for the better, and shouldn't be an excuse to start changing, but that's beside the point. Within the past few months, I've also finally started to reach my breaking point in the sense that I'm tired of being lonely all the time and never making new friends. I've finally started hanging out with some people that live near me, and I've started being a little more outgoing and straightforward with the people I want to be around. I've probably made more friends at school this quarter than I have in my entire time at Cal Poly. Whether they last after my current classes end or not, I like to think that's a pretty damn good start.

In a sense, I guess I'm just proud of myself, but I think my favorite part about all of this is that when I finally stopped "planning" to change, I finally started changing. It's not always about planning everything out to the last detail. Sometimes you just have to go after what you want, even if you're not certain you'll get it. You might surprise yourself.

this is the price you pay for loss of control

It's really difficult for me not to start blogs with the words "so." I seem to do it every single time for whatever reason. Anyway, it's been 2009 for three weeks now and it's actually starting to feel like things are finally changing a little bit, maybe. Nothing too drastic, so far, but that's okay by me.

I started my new classes for the quarter. I'm taking Communication Theory, Study of Women and Men in Society, Intro to Philosophy, and History of Western Art. The subjects are all fairly interesting; it's just taking me a while to get back into the idea of being at school all day twice a week. It still sucks quite a bit. (but God didn't wanna be, God didn't wanna be such an asshole.) Time for some Modest Mouse.

ANYway. Still looking for jobs, but it seems like maybe some places are finally hiring. I applied at Super Target the other week and I'm turning in a Kohl's application tomorrow. I've applied at a ton of places in Moreno Valley already, but I'll probably just have to head out a little further and find some more because I really need a damn job. Badly. Having money to put away every so often would be nice though, that's for sure. I obviously don't want to live with my parents forever, thankful as I am for all that they're doing for me. I'd like to retain a little of my sanity, please. :)

Winter break (Ashley's mostly) has been a lot of fun. Having friends come back from school makes for a lot of sweet hangs. I saw Danny a few times and I've been staying at Ashley's every so often. We went to Disneyland with Jason yesterday and that was a lot of fun of course. I <3 Disney so much, they were sort of constantly making fun of me for geeking out all day. All in good fun though.

First kiss of 2009 counts as another new thing I suppose, unexpected and strange as it was. Not that I'm complaining. I figure I already overanalyzed it enough after it happened, so I'm just gonna stop trying to figure out what it meant (probably nothing) and not worry so much. If it happens again so be it, and if not, that's okay too. I just don't want things to be awkward because I have few enough friends to see from time to time as it is.

As for today, I'm sitting in the library at school again because my first two classes got canceled so now I have free time until one PM. I've got my first quiz in Gender Studies to take in a few, and my first Art test on Tuesday. I think my books finally arrived this week too, so I can catch up on Philosophy stuff. I'll have to remember to take that quiz tomorrow as well. Wish me luck.

Happy 2009. Happy new President this week (side note: How cool is it that the first election I got to vote in ended up being quite literally a truly memorable historical event? Right on). Happy Thursday. Have a great weekend, a great month, a great year, and may anything else that comes your way be just as great as all of the above. :)

where were you while we were getting high?

I love the holidays. It's almost impossible not to be in a good mood during the holidays. At least, that's how I feel about them this year. I always get really nostalgic at the end of the year and very reminiscent. I start thinking about everything I've been through in the past year, and the ones before it, and I really get to looking forward to the chance to start over. Last year I must have listened to "A Long December" a thousand times before New Years because I was so ready for 2007 to be over. 2008 has been just as crazy, but maybe not to the point that I'm desperate for it to end hah. I know people say it all the time but it really feels like this year went by faster than any other. So many things happened in my life this year hah. I feel like if I had to pinpoint a single year that brought about the most change in my life, this one might have been it.

High school ended. College began. I had my first legitimate, long-term relationship, as weird as the circumstances of it were. I was in love for the first time, and then suddenly out of it. Fuck, I broke someone's heart this year. That was new. Not something I'm proud of, but it was definitely different. I was always used to going to a different school from Ashley, but this year she moved seven hours away for school. The idea of her being so far away and me moving away from everyone I saw every day at school was terrifying, and for good reason. Being alone almost all the time kinda sucks. Eventually, I got used to it of course, but it's still not my favorite thing.

I turned nineteen this year. Not a very big deal of a birthday, but it's weird not feeling like I can call myself a kid anymore. I feel old most places I go, even though I know I'm not. At Chain last night I imagined myself in fifteen years or whenever I end up having a family and wondering if I'd still be going to shows with my own kids and how much they'd hate me for it hahah. I can't imagine myself ever not being in love with live music.

Anyway. It's the holidays and I'm feeling good, despite how much my life is lacking as of late. (Hello alliteration.) It would be nice to have someone around for the holidays and it would be lovely to have some friends to see more often, but we do the best with what we've got, right? That's the best I can do right now. Hopefully the new year will bring about new things and new changes within me. Happy holidays everyone. :-)