"they work until they don't"

Currently stuck in my head: (If You're Wondering if I Want You To) I Want You To" by Weezer. It seems fitting for what I want to write about, so we'll go with that.

So I'm having a conversation with my new friend James about relationships and why good people are single, et cetera et cetera, and it made me want to write about.. all of that. This will probably be a very jumpy blog because I have so many ideas about these subjects running around in my head and I'm not sure just how to order them.

First of all, I feel like it's important to explain this irritating little problem I have. I'm a very shy, introverted kind of person, so I rarely meet people on my own. I've lived in the city I live in for over a year and the only person I've ever met that lives in that city (other than my own neighbors) was someone that a friend of mine was dating. We only met once and I've never spoken to her since. Because I don't know anybody where I live, and because most of the people I do know and know well enough to want to hang out with live too far away to do so, I spend a lot of time at home. I spend a lot of time on the internet. This is good and bad. Because of certain internet sites, I've made friends with people who have literally changed my life. I've become friends with people who have changed the way I think about things and the way I think about myself. I've made friends with people who have become so much more than that to me. For this, I am more grateful than I could ever explain.

But it's also a very problematic habit, because after some time, you become really tired of having friends that you can never hang out with, that you can never hug when they're comforting you or take a walk with when you're bored and just want to get out of the house. It becomes somewhat depressing when you get to the point that you depend on your internet friends for all your social interaction because, as wonderful as they can be, that's not necessarily enough.

In addition to this first issue, I have another! It takes me so little to start liking someone. If you're a nice person, remotely funny, charming in any capacity, blah blah you get the idea, and we start to talk regularly, I'll probably like you. I'm not even kidding. That's literally all it takes. And because so many of the friends that I meet lately are people that live in other locations, you can see why these two problems would not mesh well.

While I have grown to like many people in this fashion, for the last year and a half or so, I've never let myself act on it because both times that I did do anything about it in the past never worked out well. Because of that, and ignoring the fact that I fall for people with ridiculous ease, I tend to think of relationships with a slightly cynical view, only I like to call it being realistic because being a cynic is usually not a good thing. When you think about it logically though, as displeasing as it is to admit, most relationships do not last forever. Most relationships will end in a break-up. If I wanted to be really cynical, I could ask what the point of pursuing relationships at all is when their failure seems so sure, but I don't like that question, so I won't.

I like to think of myself as a realist/cynic, but that really only works in theory. I still love the idea of falling in love and some part of me wants to get married and have a family, but sometimes I wonder if that's just because I've been conditioned by the media to believe in some ideal that might not really exist. Obviously we all know people who have happy families, but many of us know firsthand that not everyone has that picture-perfect situation either. I've heard a few people lately talk about the idea that "true love" is just a fictional, manufactured concept, and that's not really something I'd like to believe, but it's hard to not to consider at the same time.

Relationships are never perfect. If your relationship is perfect, you're probably bored. They almost always end. Very few last forever. If you can make an imperfect relationship last, you've got something to be proud of. I don't believe in the idea of soulmates or love at first sight, but I do believe in fighting for the people you care about, whether they're just friends or something more, because without them, we are so much less. Without our friends, our family, our loved ones, we are so much less than what we could be.

So if you're falling for someone or if you've met someone you think you could fall for, and you're second-guessing whether or not it would be a good idea to.. stop thinking. And fall. I feel like I need to take my own advice and apply it to everything in my life. I think too much and I let it stop me from DOING anything. I over analyze every situation to the point that I can't even take opportunities that probably won't even have a huge impact on my life. Or maybe they would, but I never find out because I'm too afraid to take them. And that's no way to live.

when i'm with you, there's no point in breathing

It's been a year since I said goodbye to you. I'm still sorry for the way everything turned out. I wish it had worked out differently. I wish it had started out differently, perhaps in the ways we both knew would've made everything easier. I'm still terrified that I may have ruined one of the best things I've ever had and possibly ever will. I'm worried I threw away my best chance at something people search for their entire lives, something that was given to me under difficult circumstances. Under circumstanced that I didn't have the means to change and still don't. I wish the circumstances had been different but I'm afraid that I'm missing out on what could've been. I don't know how it could have turned out any other way though. I know it's pointless to regret, but I do sometimes. Sometimes I wish none of it had happened. Sometimes I wish I had never explained what was going on and I wonder how things would be now had I not done so. Mostly I try not to think about what could have been because it hurts to think that I might have thrown away my one chance. I got lucky and it didn't work out and I'm afraid that'll be the only chance I get. I hope I'm wrong.

and like a child, i've been sleeping in

Put yourself to some use and be happy with what you do,
Cause I am and I got mind, and we've been lost for a long, long time.

Ahhh. I haven't written anything special in quite some time. I want to find my actual journal. I'm way overdue for a physically written entry. I'm terrible about keeping up with those, mainly because online blogs are so much more convenient. Typing is faster, I can figure out how I want to word things more easily.

Anyway, I haven't written or typed anything at all lately, which I suppose is understandable considering how little I've been up to. I feel like I'm wasting my lifeee and I do not like that idea one bit. One of my biggest fears is that later on in my life I'll look back and realize I never really lived, that I never really experienced all the things and opportunities that were available to me and I'll hate myself for it. It's an awful thought and I hate to think that I'm already heading in that direction.

Sidenote - Jesse Shannon's music is still incredible. I finally got the new Jonezetta, thanks to Ashley, and I have to say I'm still biased towards Popularity. The new one isn't bad or anything, it's just a lot less fun and dance-y. I've also been playing the new Valencia CD a lot in order to try to learn a few more of the lyrics but that's going slow haha. Same with We Are the Arsenal. :) Their "Love is a Battlefield" cover is very very win. I highly recommend you go listen.

Back on topic. I'm hoping school will help me feel a little more productive. I'm sure it will. Having a job wouldn't hurt either but at this point, I'd almost rather wait until November like they said I should. I'll look around a little to please my mother but if I have enough money and free time, I'd like to try to visit Ashley towards the end of October. I miss her a lottttt, ahh.

...hours later...
I've been working on my "new" laptop all day. All I really got done was installing the operating system and one program and a game but that's the most computer work I've ever really done so I'm a little proud of myself, not gonna lie. :) I was supposed to also install Mozilla and Paintshop Pro, but the CDs for both programs are a little.. weird. So those can wait until I have more experienced help. I did get some Adobe photo program (sadly not Photoshop) and I messed around with SimCity for awhile too.

Now my neck is dying because of my horrible posture so I'm going to waste a little more of my summer in front of the TV. I can't wait until I start going places again. Ahh. School, a few shows coming uppp. Life will be good. :)