in your eyes, i am complete.

It's been quite some time since I last blogged, or it feels like it has. I think it's only been a few weeks, but I feel like a lot has happened in that time. I can't actually write about all of it because a lot of it is personal information that should not be shared on the internet, so I think I'm going to start writing in my actual journal again. It's been much longer since I updated that than it has since I blogged, and I've always enjoyed physical writing just as much as I have typing.

If nothing else, I can tell anyone reading what I've been up to lately. I stayed at Ashley's house for almost a week and did lots of fun summer things. She had some family visiting so we all went to the beach one day and had a nice little barbecue dinner at her Grandma's house another. She and her cousins and uncle and sister went to Disneyland one day and I spent a lot of time trying to find people to hang out with while she was gone. I helped my mom out at her work, visited my friend Alan at his band's practice space and had TGIFriday's with Jason. Eventually I had to come back home, which wasn't as bad as I had been worried about. I don't know if I mentioned it before, but I re-painted my bathroom recently and we also bought some new fixtures for it like a new mirror, a new cabinet for over the toilet, new lighting, and some smaller things like a towel bar and toilet paper holder. It looks really nice now, almost like a bathroom in a catalog. I'll have to take some updated photos now that it's practically finished.

Right now I'm listening to a mix cd my dad made in 2000, when I was ten years old. It's very nostalgic because it's full of songs that I can remember listening to with him all the time. This is literally the music I grew up on, at least until I started listening to pop instead. Luckily that phase only lasted a few years until I got into 90s alternative bands and more rock. This mix has a lot of really great songs on it though. I left a few out, but this is what I kept in my iTunes:

I would strongly recommend checking out any and all of these songs if you've never heard them. I hope anyone reading is having a great summer and enjoying whatever weather you have. I'm sure I'd trade you in a second. (Sorry the picture came out so blurry.)

i need the smell of summer

I'm starting to worry that summer isn't going to turn out at all like I'd hoped it would. It's been exactly what I expected so far - hot and boring, but I was hoping that after this past weekend it would be wonderful, mostly because Ashley is back. This weekend was supposed to be especially epic, and it was for the most part, but along with epic adventures came some possibly bad news.

It all started Saturday with the world's hottest drive to LA to see Brand New play a sold out show at the Troubadour. You can not even begin to imagine how excited and anxious I was for that show. Waiting two hours outside the venue felt like an eternity. Watching the guys walk by while hardly anyone noticed was hilarious, especially because the people behind us talked about how stupid they felt for the next hour. "We fucked up so bad! I can't believe no one said Hi!" That was highly amusing. Knowing a girl in line from AP got me way close to the stage which was super nice, but the high temperature combined with the crowded room and my weak body led to me feeling sick after the first few songs. I literally thought I was going to pass out or throw up or something. I had to lean on a speaker for a while just to stop being dizzy and eventually I had to head for the bathroom and give up my spot in front of the stage. I enjoyed the rest of the show from the back of the crowd, which was still fine, but I hated that I'd had to move at all, especially during Brand New, especially in a small venue.

After the show was over I almost got lost on my way back to the 101 but eventually made my way to Ashley's house to stay a few nights. Kelvin was there and I hadn't seen him in ages, so it was fun catching up and sitting around in Ashley's room. He left and we stayed up late talking and listening to music until we finally fell asleep. Totally missed the alarm Sunday morning but not by too much. We got semi-lost on our way to CDM but made a cute new friend so that was nice. Ended up being an hour late to the beach but we got to see some old friends and tan a little before heading to a ridiculously nice pool elsewhere. I prefer pools to the ocean for swimming, hands down. No contest. I love the beach, but pools are wonderful.

We also got Chipotle and drove around listening to hip hop for a while. Chuck is hilarious and probably the most friendly and outgoing person I've ever met, next to Vick. He's also way cute and apparently thinks the same of me. :D Later he and Ashley and I went to see I Love You, Man at a three dollar theater before calling it a night. Ashley and I were pretty much exhausted at that point so we grabbed some In n Out and went back to her house.

Sunday we met up with my mom, dropped my car off for standard servicing and went to see Harry Potter. If I'd read the book more recently, I'm sure much of the movie would have annoyed me but I enjoyed it a lot, especially the part when Harry was high on liquid luck. Amazing. We picked my car up after it was over and found out that my axle is getting worn out or something, which could mean less driving for me. I don't know how that's supposed to work out when I go back to school in September, but I really don't want to miss out on as many visits with Ashley as I can fit in while she's here either. That news definitely put a damper on my day but a little frozen yogurt makes for a nice pick-me-up, so all was well. We hung out with Jason for a little while too and then spent almost four hours trying to find something to do for the rest of the night until I had to go home. Somehow, the fifteen or so people we tried to get in touch with must have been really busy (or just ignoring us) on a Monday night of all nights, but we finally heard back from Isaac just before we were ready to give up and head back to Ashley's. Sweet hangs ensued and I drove home around two.

Overall, I'd say the good outweighed the bad this weekend, but I'm also worried that the bad parts will be a foreshadowing for the rest of my summer. I really don't want that to be true.

day two

Summertime and the livin's easy? I only finished classes last Thursday and I'm already out of stuff to do. Definitely need to find a job ASAP. I think I'll head to the mall tomorrow and pick up a bunch of applications, fill 'em out in the food court and take them all back. Should probably also call the three places I applied at in the Ontario Mills mall last Friday as well.

I'm really hoping that with Summer classes canceled, I'll have a little more luck in my pursuit. Having no experience has been an issue so far but I dunno. It's hard to be optimistic but I just need something to get my foot in the door. Jason's friend Amanda said I could probably get a job at her work so I might take her up on that too.

Other things to look forward to: Takota's return to Chain, hopefully Warped with Jason, the Ace Enders barbecue party and show with the Gay Blades, Person L and the Dangerous Summer. I'd really really like to go see Fun, Limbeck and Hellogoodbye at Chain too but I dunno if I'll have money to buy tickets. I hate asking for extra money from my parents. (job job job)

I've yet to be productive today so I think I'll at least try to get some laundry done. Maybe go for a short bike ride. I need to do SOMETHING.

and like a child, i've been sleeping in

Put yourself to some use and be happy with what you do,
Cause I am and I got mind, and we've been lost for a long, long time.

Ahhh. I haven't written anything special in quite some time. I want to find my actual journal. I'm way overdue for a physically written entry. I'm terrible about keeping up with those, mainly because online blogs are so much more convenient. Typing is faster, I can figure out how I want to word things more easily.

Anyway, I haven't written or typed anything at all lately, which I suppose is understandable considering how little I've been up to. I feel like I'm wasting my lifeee and I do not like that idea one bit. One of my biggest fears is that later on in my life I'll look back and realize I never really lived, that I never really experienced all the things and opportunities that were available to me and I'll hate myself for it. It's an awful thought and I hate to think that I'm already heading in that direction.

Sidenote - Jesse Shannon's music is still incredible. I finally got the new Jonezetta, thanks to Ashley, and I have to say I'm still biased towards Popularity. The new one isn't bad or anything, it's just a lot less fun and dance-y. I've also been playing the new Valencia CD a lot in order to try to learn a few more of the lyrics but that's going slow haha. Same with We Are the Arsenal. :) Their "Love is a Battlefield" cover is very very win. I highly recommend you go listen.

Back on topic. I'm hoping school will help me feel a little more productive. I'm sure it will. Having a job wouldn't hurt either but at this point, I'd almost rather wait until November like they said I should. I'll look around a little to please my mother but if I have enough money and free time, I'd like to try to visit Ashley towards the end of October. I miss her a lottttt, ahh.

...hours later...
I've been working on my "new" laptop all day. All I really got done was installing the operating system and one program and a game but that's the most computer work I've ever really done so I'm a little proud of myself, not gonna lie. :) I was supposed to also install Mozilla and Paintshop Pro, but the CDs for both programs are a little.. weird. So those can wait until I have more experienced help. I did get some Adobe photo program (sadly not Photoshop) and I messed around with SimCity for awhile too.

Now my neck is dying because of my horrible posture so I'm going to waste a little more of my summer in front of the TV. I can't wait until I start going places again. Ahh. School, a few shows coming uppp. Life will be good. :)

oh my god, i've lost control now.

I honestly have no idea what's going on with my life right now. Not a clue.

This week it kinda feels like everything's falling apart. /Livejournal. But really. I pretty much shattered Justin's heart but some days he seems okay. I pissed Ashley off this week and when we sort of discussed the issue she basically told me I'm a shitty friend and not trustworthy, which is always nice to hear. For a minute there it was looking like I was out of the two people I care about most and that would've left me with very few people to really talk to about anything. Now I'm not sure what's going on or what to expect next. I don't even know if Ashley wants to be friends with me and I wasn't planning on trying to talk to her unless she came to me first but the waiting around and the uncertainty are kind of eating away at me. I'm worried that I fucked up immensely but I honestly never meant to piss her off. I want her to trust me and feel like she can tell me what's going on because I know she's got a lot to deal with right now. It hurts to know she doesn't trust me with a lot of stuff but I don't know how to prove to her that she can when I already know she thinks she can't. Apparently she feels like she's the only one trying to keep us in touch which I really don't understand. I hate that all of this is going on. I'm so used to us never or rarely fighting that when it does happen I have no idea how to react to it. I would really hate to lose her as a friend but I don't know what to do next. We've been friends for what? Twelve years now? It just seems silly to throw that away.

I really don't know. I am so sick of summer. What a waste.

love is just a hoax.

lalalala. Ashley moved to San Francisco this week. It's kind of weird knowing I can't just go back down to Tustin and drive to her house to see her anymore. I wish San Fran were closer hahah. Not only is it an incredible city, but I can tell she's already have a good time in just the first few days. I knew she would. :) I'm excited for her.

I've heard most of the new Valencia now, and it's lovely, of course. I knew it would be. They're so great. I can't wait to see them play the glass house. Takota's playing there again soon, and then so is Anberlin with Scary Kids Scaring Kids at some point. Going to shows alone is somewhat strange. I went to see Chris Conley and Matt Pryor at Chain on Tuesday night and it was my first real show alone, other than Vast Atlantic's stint at the District a while back. It wasn't so bad though, just a little awkward between sets. I figured I'd be doing that a lot this year, but I'm glad I've got a bunch of good first shows alone planned cause that makes it much better. :) haha.

Anyway. The last two days have been less-than-productive. I have a feeling the rest of my summer will be about the same. I gotta start working on getting a job again. I wish it were easier but it's proven to be incredibly difficult. I don't even know where to look here because I don't know where anything is. I walked around the mall one day but not a single store had hiring signs up so I'm thinking it's gonna stay difficult til about the end of summer, at which point I'll have to consider school and it would suck very much to have to accomodate to both school and a first job at the same time. Blah blah, whine whine whine. You get the point.

Something very specific and very important has been weighing heavy on my mind these past few weeks. I don't wanna talk about it in too much detail because a) it's very personal and b) it's not something anyone else can help me with. I have to work it out myself and as terrified as I am to do what I know I should do and what I think is right for me in the long run, I know it needs to be done. I'm fucking scared though. I don't want to hurt anyone and I'm afraid the other person involved is going to hate me. But the thing that needs to be changed really does need to. I don't think the way things are going right now are really right for me. There is far too much uncertainty involved and I don't think I want to handle dealing with that for the next four years of my life, just waiting to see if things work out how I'd like them to right now. I know I could handle it, I never lied about that. I just don't think it's right for me. But how do I tell him that? Afdsakfdsa.

I don't want to think about this anymore.

I would really like it if my parents came back this evening with my laptop in running condition. It's had problems forever and it was supposed to be my graduation present but they never fixed it. Stupid.

I want to visit Ashley. That would be a lot of fun. I want to make new friends but I'm worried that my schedule (only two days a week and not dorming) will make that more difficult. Not to mention the fact that I'm way too shy. Facebook is helping a little though, and I do have a month before I really get to see any of these people anyway. So I have time.

I wish I could finish putting my room together myself. I need to put my shelves up but I don't have the hardware/skills. I also want to put up the bookshelf that attaches to my desk but it needs to be touched up with some white paint and I don't know how it attaches anyway. My parents are gone almost all day every day during the week for work and there's not a whole lot I can do around the house so since we've moved, our progress has come to a dead stop pretty much. It would be nice to finally start unpacking my books and stuff though and have more space in my room.

This is becoming a random rant. Maybe I'll think of something more coherent and important to discuss tomorrow.

slipping into something more comfortable

I've pretty much tried to make my posts on this blog more thoughtful and at least semi-important regarding the topics, but I feel it's about time for a random bullshit rant.

Today the power went out for a few hours and it was sad how excited I got when it came back on. I was actually kind of enjoying just sitting on the porch with my iPod and a piece of paper, scribbling down lyrics and such, but when I heard the fan turn on inside the door, I practically jumped up. Human dependency on technology is a little ridiculous.

The other night, I think.. Monday night.. OH! I have weekend stories first. So I think I drove out to Tustin around noon on Sunday or so, caught the Plain White T's and Takota show at the block, took some sweet group pictures and said hello to the lovely boys of Takota. Ashley and I hung out with Alex Buster for a bit which was fun. He's pretty cute and a very funny person. After thatttt we went to see Vick and meet his dog Toby. I might have the order of events wrong. Pretty sure I do in fact. Oh well, we hung out with a bunch of cute dogs and saw Justin and Vick for a little bit. Went to Denny's with Jason after that. Yum yum, french toast.

Awkward side note- I was watching The Brave One before I got online and I never changed the channel.. I think some cheesy Cinemax porn is on now. Blehhh.

Anyway, I had a gas station conflict that night too. We pulled into some station and none of the easy-to-approach pumps were open and some bitch hadn't pulled all the way forward so I had to get around in front of her and back up and as soon as I'm done reversing, she honks cause she's done filling up and wants to leave. I'm not a fan of controversy but I wasn't even about to get out of her way when she didn't bother pulling up all the way, so the whole time I filled up my gas she sat there behind me, waiting.. with her engine on. Fucking dumb, but sort of ironic. She was too stubborn to move so she decided she'd rather waste the gas she had just bought. LOLZ to her. And then as soon as I got back in my car, before I had even turned the engine back on, she finally decided to go around. Soooo stupid. Oh well..

So thennnn on Monday I met up with my mom and my brother at the Toyota dealership because my tire was shredded. I thought there was some problem with the alignment but I hadn't actually given it a look and my mom flipped the fuck out. "Blah blah blah, I know you learned stuff in that class! Blah blah, you should've known, you could've had a blow out! Rah rah I'm so mad ARGHHHH." Much along those lines. Anyway, we had Togo's and got new tires at Costco and thennnn I went to the Spectrum with Justin, Vick, Ronda and Carolina. I bought a new Sarah Dessen book at Barnes and Noble, Just Listen. I drove home afterward and stayed up til around five in the morning reading the book. :) I was up so late that the first trash truck came in the morning and reminded me I needed to take out the bins. Whoops.

So anyway. Today the power went out. That was just about the only exciting event. Cinemax pornos are really really dumb, in case you wanted to know. My dad's work picnic is on Friday so I'm going to drive back down to Tustin for that and then stay the night and go to Ashley's Grandma's surprise birthday party thing on Saturday. It's actually supposed to be a big family function but it's also the last time I'm gonna see Ashley before she moves. :( Sad day. After that I'm gonna come home again and thennn go back one more time on Tuesday for a show at Chain and a bike ride either Tuesday or Wednesday I think. Yay! Summer is fun when I'm not stuck at home alone.

I don't know if anyone reads this, or if anyone that does will understand this.. but afternoon meatloaf is still making attempts at talking to me. I thought I was free but alas, I am not. :(

I really need to change the TV channel. This shit is ridiculous. The post title is kind of ironic considering I wrote that out before the program changed. Lulz.

trying to write.

i need some inspiration. i never know what to write anymore but i figure the only way to get better at writing is to keep doing it. i never really got feedback from journalism but i always liked writing anyway.

i wish i could write like so many people i know. and don't know. i wish i could write blogs like todd, or like georgia joe, or like heychris gutierrez. they all can write in such a way that keeps you reading, it keeps you captivated and you don't wanna stop reading until you've read every word they've ever written. their words make me think, they make me want to change the way i think in general and the way i live. i wish i could write like that, in a way that could inspire people, or in the very least, a way that could make them think, even just for the few minutes they were logged onto my journal until they moved onto the next website.

i want to write blogs that people really enjoy reading, and that they look forward to seeing something new on. whenever i sit down to write an update lately, i don't know what to write. i haven't been up to anything other than sitting around the house and watching tv. i've been watching a lot of great movies lately though, like today is the third time i've watched almost famous this summer. i watched forgest gump again today as well and i saw jarhead yesterday. i know there have been others but those are the freshest in my memory. watching almost famous again is what made me want to try writing again actually. this movie is so great. it pretty much embodies exactly what i want to do with my life. how wonderful would it be to go on tour with a band and live the entire lifestyle just to write an article about them? i think that would be such a great experience.

the other day my dad sent me an email about local clubs and venues and suggested i send them a few of the articles i wrote last year and ask if they were interested in reviews. i'm thinking that might not be a bad idea. first i've gotta get back into writing. i should've written about the jesse lacey show. i could write paaages about that one. i'm still considering that idea as well.

anyway, i just wanted to see how difficult or easy it'd be to write down more than a few lines about anything cause it's been increasingly hard to do lately. i'd say the main cause is the fact that i haven't been really living lately. at least not when i'm at home. i never do anything so maybe that's why i feel like i never have anything to write about. i should work on that.