so this is the new year

Prepare yourself for yet another introspective end-of-the-year blog, as I'm sure everyone you know that blogs has already written one.

Generally speaking, I feel the same way about New Years as I do about birthdays. It's fun to celebrate and make an occasion out of, but I never really feel any differently from one day to the next. I don't think anyone does, because change doesn't really work that way. Of course some things do change rapidly and over night, but when it comes to personal growth and the kind of change you're looking for at the end of the year, it doesn't. That kind of change takes time.

This year, for example, I feel like I've changed A LOT. Much more than I have in past years. A lot of people that were in my life at the beginning of the year aren't anymore. In most cases, I think that was an improvement, even if it left my Friday nights a little lonelier. Some of the people I lost, I'll probably never speak to again. I still miss my Uncle Russ every single day. It's been almost seven months since my family said goodbye to one of the best people I've ever known.

Others I miss more for the social aspect of having someone to do things with more than I actually miss them as people, mainly because they were never very good friends. Some of them I miss every day because they were very good friends for a very long time, but that kind of loss isn't permanent and the new year is potentially the perfect time to reconcile.

Beyond losing friends and family, many other things have changed for me this year. I met and fell in love with someone twice my age, something I never would have expected to happen. We've been together for five months now and I couldn't be happier about it. It's a little stressful being in a relationship that very few people approve of, but luckily, I don't need anyone else's approval to be sure of how I feel about him.

I started working at Taco Bell this year, for my first job ever. Having an income is nice but mostly it just assured me more than ever that fast food is not something I want to make a career out of.

I turned twenty one this year. This hasn't proven to be a hugely life-changing event, but it's something.

My life isn't everything I want it to be right now, but there are a lot of things about that I love. Well, maybe not a lot, but a few. Enough for me to be happy. There are a lot of things I want to change too, and maybe those will be my "resolutions," though I never really worry much about this. I don't think anyone needs the excuse of a new year to want to make changes or goals for their life.

Gandhi once said, "You must be the change you wish to see in the world," but I think it applies to personal change too. Whether it's changing something about yourself or something in your life, you have to make it happen. You can't wait around for things to work out. You have to make things work the way you want them to. In fact, I think THAT will be my resolution this year if I have to have one.

Instead of sitting around and waiting for shit to happen to me, I'm going to make my life the way I want it to be. I'm not going to use the excuse of waiting. If I don't change things for myself, I'll own up to that, but I have goals and ideas and things I want to do with my life and I will work on them. I will work on me.

falling behind

I feel like I lost the whole weekend. I'm actually kinda thankful to have only gotten three classes this quarter, what with work and trying to see Mike whenever I can too, plus still having stuff to do at home. It's a little hectic. I need to catch up on school stuff - specifically Geography, which I'm sitting in right now lol. I really want to do well this quarter, even if three grades aren't going to do much for my GPA. Progress is progress, no matter how slight.

My bright is too slight to hold back all my dark.

It's been far too long since I updated this blog. I've been posting a lot of mini spiels on Tumblr, which there should be a link for in the sidebar, though it's not like anyone really reads this anymore or ever did. That's beside the point though, because really, this blog is more for me than anyone else. Anything I write is more for my own benefit than yours because I've always been better at expressing myself coherently and saying the things I want to say the way I want to say them when I write them down than when I say them out loud. I'm so inarticulate out loud. I get flustered and embarrassed and awkward and frustrated far too easily and then nothing comes out right. Give me a pen and paper and I'll make a much better impression. Unfortunately, life doesn't work that way.

Anyway, things have been a bit crazy. I spend most of my time at school or work, some at home, and a little bit with Mike. Not nearly as much as I'd like but we both have busy schedules and too many things to do, especially lately. It still upsets me a little that so many people have such a hard time comprehending our relationship because of the stigma attached to large age differences. His age literally hasn't bothered me since the first few times we met in August. The only time I think about it now is when other people bring it up. I really haven't discussed it explicitly with many people, simply because I assume they will react a certain way.

The weather is beautiful today. I'm sitting in the Japanese garden at school now, killing time before my next class. I have a paper to write and a sandwich to eat so I think I'll do that and enjoy the crisp, clear day and try not to think about all the things that need to be thought about or done or planned out. Not yet anyway.

teen angst poetry.

Clink goes the bottle, into the recycling bin.
Clink, as it falls in amongst its friends.
Clink as he downs another beer, and another, and another.
Clink, clink, clink.

I woke up really early this morning to a horrible dream. I think it was around four or four thirty, about two hours before I normally wake up on school days right now, and I've been trying not to think about said dream so the details are a bit fuzzy now, seven hours later. It was essentially about my family finally falling apart, but all the details and causes were left unknown to me. In the dream, it seemed so sudden. It was like out of nowhere, my mom was packing up to leave and nobody would tell me why. I felt like a child having something torn away from me with no explanation and it terrified me so much. I was surprised I didn't wake up crying, to be honest. In a way, it was like the worst possible dream I could have.

I often feel that if the morning starts off badly, the rest of the day can't get any better. Today was strange though, because for everything that went wrong, I kept noticing things that were good. I woke up with a horrible dream, but the drive to school was gorgeous because of the weather clearing and the snow on the mountains and things of that nature. I had gas issues on my way out, but I kept hearing songs I loved on the radio in the morning, which rarely happens. It was like something or someone was trying to prove some perfect balance to me.

I don't really consider myself a religious person, but days like today make me wonder. Though, I must admit, I'm still in a pretty poor mood and I don't want to be here at all. Hopefully more random good things will happen before my day is over.

i always kinda sorta wished i was someone else

Rejection is pretty unpleasant, no matter how sound the logic behind it. I haven't specifically avoided crushes or anything, but I really haven't had too many since early high school, and I've been realizing lately how lucky I am for that. My last and only serious relationship was towards the end of my senior year, and since then I've only really liked one person, but I've liked him for years anyway so that's not quite the same. Recently I started hanging out with a boy that I met through a friend and he turned out to be the first person I'd liked that lived near me in a very long time, so you can imagine my excitement.

However, excitement quickly turned to frustration when I got to know him better and found that he was highly cynical and extremely jaded to the point that he literally believes he's never going to love again. This made me wary about telling him that I liked him, something I've never really been able to do before anyway. But I still wanted to tell him, because lately I've noticed that I'm finally at a point in my life where I'm tired of being shy and alone and I just want to tell people what I think or feel, even if they don't reciprocate. This is all that's been on my mind the last few weeks; wanting to tell him and knowing that I'd have the guts to do so, but being unsure about whether I should because I basically knew he wasn't going to reciprocate.

Last night he had a party that started, for him, early in the day and ended with him being very intoxicated and kissing me, which I obviously wasn't going to protest. We kissed quite a few times, but I'm not one to sleep with someone just because I can, so it went no further than that. I was also still pretty sure he was only acting that way because he was drunk, so I didn't want to get too ahead of myself. Talking to him this morning turned out to be more awkward than I'd hoped for or expected so later in the day I decided "to hell with it" and just texted him asking if he was interested at all or everything happened had just been an effect of the alcohol.

Essentially he told me that he would rather stay friends because he knows himself and believes that it would or could be good for a while, but then it would just go downhill and he didn't want to end up not being friends later on. Personally I thought this just sounded like an excuse not to take a chance but I guess I can't do anything to change his mind, so there's no point in making a fuss over it. I was disappointed and frustrated, of course, but I've had all day to stew over it and I'd rather just wait it out and see what happens, if anything, or just keep hanging out and chatting.

At least I can say I'm proud of myself for being straightforward and open and honest about the way I feel, because waiting around for other people to do the same is a pain in the ass. So even if it didn't get me anywhere with him necessarily, it was progress for me all the same.

there's more to living than being alive

I want to write a long, articulate blog about the great conversation I had tonight because it made me think and wonder and I'll probably be up a while continuing to do both of those, but I have school in the morning and I need to be up in a little over five hours so I should probably try to get all the sleep I can.

To remind myself not to forget: Why are we here? Why do we do the things we do? What's the point? If we're all going to die anyway and eventually no one will remember you or the things you did, what's the point? What makes life worth living?

i'm a goddamn piece of work.

We talked today, for the first time in quite a while. I’ve decided not to tell him that I miss him, because if I mess with his head anymore or even chance the possibility of hurting him again, I will hate myself so much. But I did apologize, again, for everything I’d ever put him through. So he called and asked if I was okay. Ha.

We talked a while about random things and then he had to go. Said he’d call me back. Didn’t. Probably better that way. I don’t like not talking to him but I’m terrified that if we keep it up, we’ll just end up the same way we did twice before and I’ll hurt him again just like I did twice before. The repetition is pretty pathetic. It’s so cyclical. I’d love to believe that we can just be friends without falling into the same cycle, but I wouldn’t bet on me.

I drove to LAX tonight to pick up my brother. I hadn’t been since I went to pick HIM up, last year in May. I sat in my car with the engine off, just gripping the wheel and trying not to sob. I miss everything we had so much, up until the part where it wasn’t enough anymore. I was so fucking happy up until he had to leave again. That night at the airport was the single most heartbreaking night of my life thus far. That night is why I hate being at airports now. They overwhelm me.

When I pulled in to park, there was a couple standing by the car opposite me, making out. I wondered who had returned from being away and what the rest of their night would hold, and then I hated them. I envied them and I couldn’t look away. I felt disgusted at myself. Envy is such an ugly trait.

I talked to someone about some of this today. I wish I’d saved the conversation, because some of what he said really helped. I know it’s only been a year and a half, so to think that I’ll never get over it seems dramatic, but I do worry that I’ll never stop missing what we had. Especially because it didn’t end as an effect of some conflict. It only ended because I couldn’t handle not knowing how things would turn out. I couldn’t handle the uncertainty, so I broke his heart.

And now I can’t stop thinking about how something someone else said came completely true. Because he wasn’t the first. A girl I knew said she pitied me once because I was missing out on something by having my first love focused on someone far away. It’s almost funny how right she was, just about the wrong person.

I wish I could turn off my brain sometimes.

"they work until they don't"

Currently stuck in my head: (If You're Wondering if I Want You To) I Want You To" by Weezer. It seems fitting for what I want to write about, so we'll go with that.

So I'm having a conversation with my new friend James about relationships and why good people are single, et cetera et cetera, and it made me want to write about.. all of that. This will probably be a very jumpy blog because I have so many ideas about these subjects running around in my head and I'm not sure just how to order them.

First of all, I feel like it's important to explain this irritating little problem I have. I'm a very shy, introverted kind of person, so I rarely meet people on my own. I've lived in the city I live in for over a year and the only person I've ever met that lives in that city (other than my own neighbors) was someone that a friend of mine was dating. We only met once and I've never spoken to her since. Because I don't know anybody where I live, and because most of the people I do know and know well enough to want to hang out with live too far away to do so, I spend a lot of time at home. I spend a lot of time on the internet. This is good and bad. Because of certain internet sites, I've made friends with people who have literally changed my life. I've become friends with people who have changed the way I think about things and the way I think about myself. I've made friends with people who have become so much more than that to me. For this, I am more grateful than I could ever explain.

But it's also a very problematic habit, because after some time, you become really tired of having friends that you can never hang out with, that you can never hug when they're comforting you or take a walk with when you're bored and just want to get out of the house. It becomes somewhat depressing when you get to the point that you depend on your internet friends for all your social interaction because, as wonderful as they can be, that's not necessarily enough.

In addition to this first issue, I have another! It takes me so little to start liking someone. If you're a nice person, remotely funny, charming in any capacity, blah blah you get the idea, and we start to talk regularly, I'll probably like you. I'm not even kidding. That's literally all it takes. And because so many of the friends that I meet lately are people that live in other locations, you can see why these two problems would not mesh well.

While I have grown to like many people in this fashion, for the last year and a half or so, I've never let myself act on it because both times that I did do anything about it in the past never worked out well. Because of that, and ignoring the fact that I fall for people with ridiculous ease, I tend to think of relationships with a slightly cynical view, only I like to call it being realistic because being a cynic is usually not a good thing. When you think about it logically though, as displeasing as it is to admit, most relationships do not last forever. Most relationships will end in a break-up. If I wanted to be really cynical, I could ask what the point of pursuing relationships at all is when their failure seems so sure, but I don't like that question, so I won't.

I like to think of myself as a realist/cynic, but that really only works in theory. I still love the idea of falling in love and some part of me wants to get married and have a family, but sometimes I wonder if that's just because I've been conditioned by the media to believe in some ideal that might not really exist. Obviously we all know people who have happy families, but many of us know firsthand that not everyone has that picture-perfect situation either. I've heard a few people lately talk about the idea that "true love" is just a fictional, manufactured concept, and that's not really something I'd like to believe, but it's hard to not to consider at the same time.

Relationships are never perfect. If your relationship is perfect, you're probably bored. They almost always end. Very few last forever. If you can make an imperfect relationship last, you've got something to be proud of. I don't believe in the idea of soulmates or love at first sight, but I do believe in fighting for the people you care about, whether they're just friends or something more, because without them, we are so much less. Without our friends, our family, our loved ones, we are so much less than what we could be.

So if you're falling for someone or if you've met someone you think you could fall for, and you're second-guessing whether or not it would be a good idea to.. stop thinking. And fall. I feel like I need to take my own advice and apply it to everything in my life. I think too much and I let it stop me from DOING anything. I over analyze every situation to the point that I can't even take opportunities that probably won't even have a huge impact on my life. Or maybe they would, but I never find out because I'm too afraid to take them. And that's no way to live.

take what you want from me, i can't think anymore

This sounds a lot like something I would think or say, but I feel like I'd never be able to write it as eloquently as this. I wish I could write like this. It's not even that complex or anything, but this is the kind of writing I tend to love, the kind that makes you want to read more because it sounds like something you could relate to perfectly. It's not the kind of writing that goes over your head in the first few sentences, and I like that. I feel like I constantly write about the same things and it's all too casual and boring and repetitive. I think I need inspiration. Having things to do and places to go and people to see would probably help immensely. I think I'm going to look around for a job this weekend. It's been a while since I actually went out and physically looked and I'm really hoping I'll be able to at least pick up something seasonal.

All I know is I need a change.

day fifteen - an early morning thought

I tend to pin my hopes on the possibility of minor events. I tend to pin my happiness on the potential, the upcoming. Knowing that I have something good planned helps me to get through the week, so sometimes I'll be waiting on something good to happen to make the week better. Right now, I'm waiting for a cute boy that I met this week to add me back on Facebook as if that will somehow not only brighten my day, but alleviate my problems. Maybe ameliorate is the right word. It's not like his accepting a friend request will mean anything significant or anything at all, but I keep waiting anxiously for it to happen as if it will.

Why do I do that?

day six - an aesthetic voyager whose home is the road

"I'll paraphrase Thoreau here: Rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness.. Give me truth." - Emile Hirsch in Into the Wild.

If you've ever seen Into the Wild, you know at least a little bit about Christopher Johnson McCandless. A lot of people feel little sympathy towards his tragic story. Many think that he was just a stupid kid trying to prove something. Personally, I feel inspired every time I read about him or watch the movie based on his adventures. I hate that the idea of just leaving your life to travel around the country the way he did is less plausible for women than it is for men. I don't know that I'll ever see the world the way he did, or even the way I would love to, but even if his death was caused by a foolish mistake, I will always feel the deepest respect and admiration for the decisions he made.

"The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. (...) You are wrong if you think Joy amanates only or principally from human relationships. God has placed it all around us. It is in everything and anything we might experience. We just have to have the courage to turn against our habitual lifestyle and engage in unconventional living." - Christopher Johnson McCandless

life as we know it

I've been taking a massive trip down memory lane for the past few hours, mostly reading old blogs and whatnot, from eighth grade until now. It's just insanely weird to see how drastically things can change over the course of a few years. Some people meant the world to me then and now we don't even speak. I'm incredibly thankful for so much of what I've been through, and for having had friends to support me through it all. I'm thankful for all the ridiculous trials I've had and the fact that I've survived them. I know I haven't been through anything all that traumatic, but I always believed that you couldn't compare peoples' problems because everyone has their own scale for what's tough and trying.

To anyone who's ever listened to me and helped me out with anything, thank you. It's meant more to me than you'll ever know. Four people come to mind specifically, the four people I've been closest with. The four best friends I've had over the last six years or so.

Allyssa Zander. You were my best friend for such a long time. The first person I really felt close to and spent all my time with. All the silly notes we wrote in ninth grade (love you bunches and tons and apples and bananas) and sleepovers and going to my first show with you - I will always remember those. High school took us our separate ways and I'm sorry things turned out the way they did but I'll always remember you fondly for the good times.

Jessica Andre. You were the first person to save my life. You have literally meant more to me than almost anyone I've ever known. You had my back through so much shit, it's not even funny. After high school started to suck, I always had you to depend on and staying at your house every weekend never got old. I have never been able to stop missing you and the way things were. I hope life turns out the best that it can for you.

Vanessa Saade. I hate to think how much I took you for granted. I'm glad we still talk, but I'm more thankful for having been your friend than you will ever know. In a time when all the tough things were really the events that would shape me for the rest of my life, you were always there. You were always looking out for me and keeping me sane and happy. Thank you so much for being a better friend than I could have ever wished for.

Ashley Ryan. Holy hell, where do I even begin? I've known you since before the fourth grade and you have always been a good friend to me. Always. You are one of the most caring and compassionate people I have ever known and I feel more blessed to have had you in my life and called you a friend than I could ever describe. I don't even think of you as a friend anymore because you're so much more than that to me. You are my sister. My guardian angel. While I hate being away from you so much now and I miss spending all my time at your house and doing silly things with you, I'm also so happy for you and the way your life is going. You're headed for amazing things and I can't wait to see how it all turns out. I'm so proud of you and so thankful for everything you've ever done for me. I love you.

I'm incredibly thankful for everyone who has ever been a friend to me, but these four girls have changed my life. Friends are the most amazing and beautiful people, but best friends go beyond that. They are your family. They are your sisters, your angels. There's something spectacular about the bond between best friends.

I love and hate writing things like this because it gets me so emotional, but it also helps me put so much into perspective. Not that I didn't already know how I felt about all of these people, but looking back at how things were before anything bad or dramatic happened between any of us makes me that much more glad that we were ever friends in the first place, no matter how our friendships ended or whether or not we're still on good terms.

I guess that's what life is all about in a sense, though. No matter what sort of horrible things happen, you just have to focus on all the good things that you've been through and that you're going through and be thankful that you have people to share them with. That idea alone makes me want to try to be a more positive person and turn things around because I don't want to look back on this time in my life later and regret anything. The way it's going now makes me think I probably will and I want to change that. I need to.

Wish me luck.

yeah, i know i'm not good enough for you.

I keep losing track of time. I never know what day it is anymore. I used to be really good about that, one of those people that you would always ask the day or time if you needed to know it. Granted that was probably back in middle school or earlier, but I'm not sure what changed since then. I stopped wearing a watch and got a cell phone. Time is easy. I feel like it's been forever since I've written anything legitimately interesting, if I ever have. I read other peoples blogs and wonder if I'm cut out for writing at all.

I haven't written anything journalistic since the end of senior year, other than my first attempt at a show review for the Poly Post. I'm pretty sure at some point, if I continue with this major, I'll learn more about how to actually write and get a chance to really practice and get better at it, but it's always been frustrating to me to know that I've never really been able to do that before. At Beckman it was more like, "Hey, you can write about music? Cool, we haven't really had anyone do that." The only editors we had for the Entertainment section were either Austin Barnes, who was so cocky that he didn't even feel like he needed to stoop to actually editing or criticizing people, or Yasmin, who, like me, was a first time Journalism student and was too nice to do what Austin wouldn't. Thus, I never really felt like I was getting better or worse at it. Caitlin (the editor in chief) and Mrs. Ng both seemed to like a lot of my articles, so I figured I had something going for me at least.

I think one of the only things I like about my blogs is that I never know what I'm going to write about when I open the page. It always turns into some kind of (usually boring or pointless) rant, but I never plan it out really. I might have an idea that I want to bring up, but that's about as far as it gets. I don't even know if anybody reads this but that's okay by me. I guess it's more about getting the practice at writing the way I want to sound than getting readers or anything else.

The weather has been back and forth lately. We've gotten a lot of rainy days, which I love and dislike at the same time, but it seems to be nice out so far today. I heard birds chirping and the sun is shining through my bedroom window. Maybe I'll finally make a trip back to that little park I came across if I can find it again. Maybe not. I have a tendency to say I want to do things and make vague plans to do them someday and then I never get around to doing them. I constantly put them off until later and never do the things I want to do. It's sort of terrible.

I'm considering writing a letter to someone who used to be a small but important part of my life. I'm not sure if it's a good idea at all because I know I'll be tempted to say things that I probably shouldn't, but I feel like it might be something I need to do anyway. I wrote down the address just in case but maybe I'll get a draft out at least just to see how I feel about it.

End. :)

our side-stepping has come to be a brilliant dance

The playlist I made last Friday in the midst of my hating life/the world/everything mood is so so good. I'm quite proud of it. I'm also just now realizing that when I was excited yesterday because my shuffle was playing all these wonderful songs that I would never ever skip, it's because I was still listening to the playlist. LOL.

My weekend was sort of back and forth between shitty and mediocre. Friday was pretty awful. I had an argument with my mom, after which she left the house for a while and I sat in my room and cried. I've realized that I'm actually quite good at waiting until people leave before I really show emotion, though I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. After that, I just went out and drove around the city. I still don't know it very well so I was basically just driving aimlessly, mostly up in the nicer residential areas. I came across a nice little park where I started making the playlist and just sat in the grass for a while as the sun went down. I even stopped at a few stores and shops around my house to ask about applying, but as I've been saying for months now, it appears no one is hiring. Disappointing.

Saturday morning my parents and I got pictures taken at the Olan Mills studio in Kmart. We've never done group photos and my mom has been wanting to for a long time, so we finally did. We should be able to pick them up in a week or two. After that we had breakfast at this little Mexican restaurant, the Cactus Cantina. It was pretty good, though I was totally hoping for legit breakfast food at the time. Saturday night I decided to head over to Chain and catch Alan's show with We Are the Arsenal, Run Doris Run, the Summer Set and two other Arizona boy band pop rock bands. (Summary of that over here) It was mostly tolerable, though the whole feeling-old-at-shows thing is a bit disappointing. I talked to Peter Moe, WATA's guitarist, and he's super cute and very nice. :) Yay. Haha. I also brought them cookies, but my mom said they didn't turn out very well so I'll have to bring better ones next time to make up for it.

Sunday and Monday were highly uneventful, but now I'm at school waiting for my Women's Studies professor to make our midterm/quiz thing available online and then I'm supposed to hang out with Leslee at some point too. Later this week I'm going to a Christian hardcore show. :D And next Monday I wanna go see Jesse Shannon play another coffee shop show. Should be awesome. Also, I can't even begin to explain how excited I am to see Valencia this month, two nights in a row no less. I have quite a few potentially rad shows lined up, so I'm very anxious for those all to come.

I think that's about it for now. Have a nice weeeeeek.

so this is the new year

and I don't feel any different.

I'm watching Saved! in my room right now and I know everyone says it every year, but New Years feels kinda the same way birthdays do. You know that time has passed, but nothing really feels any different. You've got a new age, a new year to write down, but that kinda seems like the biggest difference. Time is weird. Age is weird. I went to the grocery store with my mom last night and there was this old lady there shopping for herself with one of those automated/electric wheelchair things with a shopping cart attached. She went through each aisle really slowly and was there just as long or longer than we were, even though she was shopping for much less. It made me kind of sad. I almost wanted to help her out but I would have felt awkward or worried that she might think I was taking pity on her or something, which I guess I kind of was.

It's just a strange concept. I've been alive for nineteen years and almost a month. I know I'm not old or anything, but I feel that way sometimes. Especially at shows lately, especially if I'm there alone. Most of what I listen to is pop punk so I guess that usually reaches out more to younger kids anyway so it makes sense that I would feel relatively old at shows but it's still weird to me. Then again, whenever I'm around new people, I always think they're older than me. Always.

You know what else is weird/kinda sucks? Only slightly related, but I'm not a fan of how much easier it is before you graduate high school to meet new people. You see the same people in the same classes every day of the week and it's just easier to fall into that routine and you totally end up taking it for granted. I've never been good at making friends on my own and it's even harder now. Kinda sucks.

Aaaaaaanyway. This is not a fun post. Thus I'm done with it.

"Scooter? Mary.. this is a vespa."

i know i'm not your favorite record

I just had one of those instances where you start crying out of nowhere, completely unprovoked. I've been having a really really shitty week. Or few months. Or life, kinda since graduation you could say.

I refuse to believe that high school was the peak of my life, but everything since then has blown completely. I moved an hour away from the city I've lived in my entire life. Away from the few friends I made in high school, from the best friend I've known since third grade. She moved seven hours away to San Francisco. Since I moved I've gone to a few shows alone, a few with Jason and one or two with my dad. Other than that, I think I've driven back to Tustin twice.Once for Tiller Days and once to hang out with Matt on Halloween. I have no friends here, I have nowhere to go when I want to get out of the house. I sorta know a few people in my classes, but not well enough to hang out with really. I rely on the internet as a connection to my peers rather than actually talking to them. I have more friends on AP than I do in real life anymore. I can't get a job to save my life and my mom often refuses to see that I'm even trying to.

I'm just starting to feel really fucking worthless and pathetic and I'm not enjoying any part of my life anymore. I'm excited for Ashley to come back down to SoCal and hang out for a few days. And a bit for Thanksgiving. It'll be nice to have plans at all for once. I don't even know what I'm doing for my birthday this year.

I hate the way you say my name like it's something secret.

Today I watched a movie called Snow Angels, with Kate Beckinsale and Sam Rockwell anddd Michael Angarano.

Aaaaand part two. Because I never finished this post yesterday.

I'm in a much better mood today. Feeling more hopeful/optimistic. One of the first things I watched today on AP was an AbsolutExclusive of a Relient K Christmas cover. They put it against a super cute animated video and it kinda just made me happy that it's almost the holiday season, even if I don't exactly have someone to spend it with. Even when you're alone for the holidays, you pretty much can't help but feel a little cheerful. So I'm gonna try to be more positive and hopeful about changes to come. I mean, what else can I really do?

Plus I just watched my two favorite scenes from Almost Famous, and that always helps too. So I leave you with this quote:

"The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you're uncool."

i am a writer, a writer of fiction

I really really miss having a life. And things to write about. And friends to see and places to go and things to do. I miss those all so much.

this could be the last day that i hold my breath and stay awake for you

I've yet to begin writing my review of the Valencia/Bayside show that I went to on Wednesday. I emailed the editor in chief of the Poly Post and he agreed to go over my article once I sent it in and now I'm actually scared to write again. How ironic.

It's been so long since I wrote anything of substance though. I'm worried it's going to be horrible. It'll be nice to actually get feedback for once but I'm also nervous as hell about what that feedback will consist of. I was talking to my mom today and she said something like, "the thing about writing is that you have to just keep doing it, no matter what it's about." And I haven't been doing that at all. I mean, sure, I've written a handful of blogs and show blurbs to keep my list up to date, but I haven't written an article since before I graduated! I'm just a little nervous to get back in the habit I guess.

The show was really great though. Valencia is always wonderful. I got a really sweet poster and George gave me a free sticker. He also proceeded to introduce himself even though I've met him at least three times before that hahah. That's okay though, I don't expect them to remember me. Anyway, I guess their record label sent all the CDs to Pomona, NY instead of Pomona, CA so their $5 CDs were not available at the Glasshouse. :( I'm very strongly considering going down to San Diego tomorrow night to see them again. After the day I've had, I think it would be well-deserved and a high point to the weekend.

Other than that all I've been up to is school really. I gave my first speech in COM204. I thought I bombed it because I got so horribly nervous but I actually did well. The punk-looking kid with a Justin Scott-esque voice gave me a nice evaluation and suggested not fidgeting so much with my hands haha. I also had my first Statistics exam on Thursday. I think I finished before anyone else so I left much earlier than I usually do. That was nice. I hope I didn't do too horribly on that either. I think I may have gotten a B, which would be perfectly fine by me.

My TO DO list for tomorrow also consists of doing laundry, heading to the mall to scope out job opportunities, washing out the rest of the kitchen cabinets, and hopefully maybe hearing back from Mr. Kuhse? Since I'm gonna be in San Diego anyway I'd like very much to see him. It's been two whole years since Bamboozle Left. That makes me sad. I really wish I had someone to go to shows with still. :/ I don't mind going alone or anything but it's a lot more fun when you have someone with you.

Mini rant - I hate MoVal. I hate that I moved here and left everything I'm familiar with behind. I hate that the one person I want to be around more than anything is seven hours away and I can't do shit about it. I hate that nothing seems doable because I don't have an income. I hate that my parents seem to want to control every aspect of my life as long as they possibly can. I hate being stuck at home with nothing to do. :( I miss having a life so much.

Done with that. :) Glad I got it out. Now I'm off to sleep I think. Have a good one.

and we don't have much room to live

A few days ago I decided I wanted to write a blog about relationships and realism vs. cynicism and now I can't remember why. I'm pretty sure there was some action that took place to make me want to write about these things but I can't figure out what it was for the life of me. Though that could have something to do with the fact that I'm running off of three hours of sleep and am slightly delirious. Maybe I should write this when I'm more awake.

Hold that thought. We'll come back to it.

Today my mom found the box that contained my fancier shoes, my senior yearbook, my current journal and my small collection of make-up. I was stoked, went for the yearbook immediately and spent a good part of the day looking through it. Seeing pictures from all the events and just random days at school made me miss Tustin and Beckman and everything about last year so much. And I can distinctly remember looking at the baby ads and thinking about how weird life is. Every person you know has this entire past full of different friends, different tastes, different memories than the ones you're making now. We are influenced and changed every single day by the things we see around us and every single day we are a little bit different than the day before. That's just crazy to me. In ten years we'll all be so completely different than who we were in high school but I think high school is still a hugely important, defining part of your life. You learn so much more in those four years than just english, math and history. You learn about friendships and betrayal and relationships and experimenting and love and hate and trust and yourself. I kind of really wish I had written a gradtuation speech haha.

Anyway, that was my interesting thought for the day. I was watching The Other Sister and Down to You earlier and they both reminded me again that I wanted to write a blog about relationships. There was a part in Down to You when Julia Stiles comes back from her summer in France and spends the night with Freddie Prince Jr. and all she can think about is the word "married" because one of her friends in France asked her if they were thinking about getting married anytime soon. The way we think of relationships always make me think. I'm pretty sure a lot of my views on the entire topic are the way they are because of my parents. Not that I'm blaming them or anything because I feel like the way I think about relationships and love is a lot more realistic than the way many other people do, even if that makes me somewhat cynical.

But if you really think about it, there's pretty much a set process for love. You meet someone, you date for a while, you get to know each other, maybe fall in love. Eventually you live together, then comes marriage and a baby, and voila! Happily ever after, right? That all sounds kinda silly to me. Especially because of the statistics. How many marriages end in divorce? I don't know the actual numbers but I would hate to become a part of that percentage. I refuse to let it happen. It will take me a long damn time to decide to marry someone because of that fact.

Because of the whole realism/cynicism thing, I'm constantly worried that I'll ruin a relationship by thinking too much. Not that I've had many chances for that because I never really meet people, but I always end up wondering "where is this going?" I have to ask myself what I'm really doing and whether or not it's going to go anywhere. And it's not like I'm trying to find my soulmate or something silly, but if I'm going to date someone, I'd rather have a purpose in doing it than just to have someone to date. As much as I enjoy the company and closeness and affection, I just feel like if you're in a relationship and you think about it realistically and you know it's not going to last forever, how are you supposed to be happy with it now? God, I really do sound like a cynic. But the reality is that most relationships will end, serious or otherwise. Maybe it is more realistic to just have fun with it then, because most of them will end in a break-up, so why not enjoy it while it lasts?

This is turning into some totally non-commital stream of consciousness now and I'm not even sure where I stand in all of this anymore. Maybe that's the point of writing/thinking about anything. To figure out what you really know about it and whether or not you believe in it. Interesting.

every chance to leave's another chance i shoulda took

There was a postsecret up once that said something along the lines of "I think my scoliosis is a physical manifestation of how twisted I feel inside." The way I feel today made me think of it. I actually probably have it saved somewhere but I don't want to take the time to find it.

I'm having an awful day so far. I feel horrible. My head has been spinning since I woke up and I think I'm probably dehydrated again but I just feel like utter crap. Tired, weak, shaky, dizzy. Everything at once. On top of that, I'm missing everything about last year so much today. I miss living five minutes from everything I know. I miss Tustin so much lately. I miss Ashley so much. I can't wait to see her next month. I feel like the quality of my life went down like crazy since we moved. I'm not happy here. I hate how hard it's become to stay positive. But that might be partially because I feel like crap today, so everything around me looks shitty too.

I feel as bad physically as I do emotionally. My life hurts. Not a good day.