i always kinda sorta wished i was someone else

Rejection is pretty unpleasant, no matter how sound the logic behind it. I haven't specifically avoided crushes or anything, but I really haven't had too many since early high school, and I've been realizing lately how lucky I am for that. My last and only serious relationship was towards the end of my senior year, and since then I've only really liked one person, but I've liked him for years anyway so that's not quite the same. Recently I started hanging out with a boy that I met through a friend and he turned out to be the first person I'd liked that lived near me in a very long time, so you can imagine my excitement.

However, excitement quickly turned to frustration when I got to know him better and found that he was highly cynical and extremely jaded to the point that he literally believes he's never going to love again. This made me wary about telling him that I liked him, something I've never really been able to do before anyway. But I still wanted to tell him, because lately I've noticed that I'm finally at a point in my life where I'm tired of being shy and alone and I just want to tell people what I think or feel, even if they don't reciprocate. This is all that's been on my mind the last few weeks; wanting to tell him and knowing that I'd have the guts to do so, but being unsure about whether I should because I basically knew he wasn't going to reciprocate.

Last night he had a party that started, for him, early in the day and ended with him being very intoxicated and kissing me, which I obviously wasn't going to protest. We kissed quite a few times, but I'm not one to sleep with someone just because I can, so it went no further than that. I was also still pretty sure he was only acting that way because he was drunk, so I didn't want to get too ahead of myself. Talking to him this morning turned out to be more awkward than I'd hoped for or expected so later in the day I decided "to hell with it" and just texted him asking if he was interested at all or everything happened had just been an effect of the alcohol.

Essentially he told me that he would rather stay friends because he knows himself and believes that it would or could be good for a while, but then it would just go downhill and he didn't want to end up not being friends later on. Personally I thought this just sounded like an excuse not to take a chance but I guess I can't do anything to change his mind, so there's no point in making a fuss over it. I was disappointed and frustrated, of course, but I've had all day to stew over it and I'd rather just wait it out and see what happens, if anything, or just keep hanging out and chatting.

At least I can say I'm proud of myself for being straightforward and open and honest about the way I feel, because waiting around for other people to do the same is a pain in the ass. So even if it didn't get me anywhere with him necessarily, it was progress for me all the same.