i'm a goddamn piece of work.

We talked today, for the first time in quite a while. I’ve decided not to tell him that I miss him, because if I mess with his head anymore or even chance the possibility of hurting him again, I will hate myself so much. But I did apologize, again, for everything I’d ever put him through. So he called and asked if I was okay. Ha.

We talked a while about random things and then he had to go. Said he’d call me back. Didn’t. Probably better that way. I don’t like not talking to him but I’m terrified that if we keep it up, we’ll just end up the same way we did twice before and I’ll hurt him again just like I did twice before. The repetition is pretty pathetic. It’s so cyclical. I’d love to believe that we can just be friends without falling into the same cycle, but I wouldn’t bet on me.

I drove to LAX tonight to pick up my brother. I hadn’t been since I went to pick HIM up, last year in May. I sat in my car with the engine off, just gripping the wheel and trying not to sob. I miss everything we had so much, up until the part where it wasn’t enough anymore. I was so fucking happy up until he had to leave again. That night at the airport was the single most heartbreaking night of my life thus far. That night is why I hate being at airports now. They overwhelm me.

When I pulled in to park, there was a couple standing by the car opposite me, making out. I wondered who had returned from being away and what the rest of their night would hold, and then I hated them. I envied them and I couldn’t look away. I felt disgusted at myself. Envy is such an ugly trait.

I talked to someone about some of this today. I wish I’d saved the conversation, because some of what he said really helped. I know it’s only been a year and a half, so to think that I’ll never get over it seems dramatic, but I do worry that I’ll never stop missing what we had. Especially because it didn’t end as an effect of some conflict. It only ended because I couldn’t handle not knowing how things would turn out. I couldn’t handle the uncertainty, so I broke his heart.

And now I can’t stop thinking about how something someone else said came completely true. Because he wasn’t the first. A girl I knew said she pitied me once because I was missing out on something by having my first love focused on someone far away. It’s almost funny how right she was, just about the wrong person.

I wish I could turn off my brain sometimes.