i hope you're as happy as you're pretending

My god, you are pathetic. I can still admit that I do continue to miss you from time to time; in fact, I'm not sure that will ever change, but it's not the same as it once was. It's not really you that I'm missing - it's the you that you once were. You're not the same person anymore, and who you are now is someone that I can't help but laugh at. The facade you keep up is so ridiculous; the superior, "I don't care what you think of me" attitude, the fact that the one thing you seem to look forward to is the next time you'll be drunk. I almost pity you, because I know what you used to be and how much potential you had and I see you wasting it now on things that matter so little. I almost wish I could reach out and say something, tell you to change your ways before it's too late, but then I remember what a terrible friend you were and how utterly fake you are and I know you don't deserve it.

It annoys me endlessly that I missed you for so long, that I tried so many times to reconnect with you, that I found some meaning in the way we always had no trouble sharing things with each other, even after losing contact for so long. It always struck me as something to be proud of, something worth holding on to, because if we could be close like that after not being friends at all, that had to mean something, didn't it? If we could instantly go back to the way things once were and feel comfortable telling each other anything at all, wasn't that something special? Wasn't that important enough to forget about all the lying and deceit and backstabbing and using? That's what I always wanted to believe, but that was also before I realized you'd never be the same.

I like to imagine that there's still some sliver of the girl I once knew in you, somewhere, deep down. I wish you wouldn't hide her under all your makeup and hair dye and false superiority because she was one of the greatest people I could ever hope to know. That's the girl I will never stop missing, and I think I'm okay with that. I should probably just cut off all ties with you, but I can't help wanting to be around to see if she ever makes an appearance again. Hope is an important thing to hold on to, right? Even if there's little chance of the thing you hope for coming true.

There's one line that always comes to mind when I think about you.

I hope you're as happy as you're pretending.