Sunday, June 21, 2009
day eight - cheating
Father's day has been a long one, and I'm actually far too tired to write coherently for very long, so I'm gonna leave it at this: I hope you had a good day. Whether you spent it with your father or not, I hope everyone who might be reading this had a nice, relaxing Sunday. Mine was pretty decent for the most part.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
day seven - on road trips
I wasn't sure what I wanted to write about today, so I asked my friend Ryan what he would suggest. He came up with road trips and it sounds like a fine idea to me.
The only road trips I've ever really been on thus far have been with my parents. We took one a long time ago to visit some friends in Grass Valley, CA, North East of Sacramento. I forget how old I was, but the trip was over eight hours and I vaguely remember sitting in the backseat of whichever car we had taken and looking for license plates from other states. I still do that while I'm driving. I probably spent most of the trip there sleeping, but I also remember on our way back home, that we stopped in a lot of tourist spots along the coast - Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, Monterey and Carmel-By-the-Sea, Big Sur, Hearst Castle in San Simeon, and Solvang. I'm sure we did a lot more than that, but my memory fails me. It was my first memorable road trip and I know I enjoyed it a lot.
More recently, I believe it was during my Junior year of high school, my mom and I drove from Tustin to San Jose where we saw the Winchester Mystery House and stayed the night in the city. From there we continued North to San Francisco where we stayed a few more days. I think that was my first time in the City by the Bay and I was in love with it instantly. We didn't even explore all that much, though we did drive over the Golden Gate Bridge, walk around Pier 39 and visit the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art. It saddens me that I'm actually having trouble remembering what else we did, but I would've loved to stay longer and see more. We also visited my mom's friend Jenny in Janesville, CA for a few days before continuing onto Yosemite National Park. I really wish we'd stayed there longer, because we only spent part of the day driving through it and it was incredibly beautiful. I'd love to go back again.
The only other pseudo road trips I can remember have been smaller trips, like a day trip with my dad down to San Diego for breakfast with my Grandpa and out to the Salton Sea afterwards to see Slab City and Salvation Mountain (another place I'd love to visit again), and another in which way drove up Highway 395 to visit his old friends in Yerington, Nevada for a few days. The best part of that trip was seeing the sky at night from the middle of nowhere. You could see so many more stars in the sky than anyone ever will from most of Southern California. It was wonderful out there, aside from the heat. I'm sure I'd go crazy living in the practically-barren desert, but it was a beautifully serene place to stay for a few days.
If nothing else, writing this blog has both brought on an extreme bout of nostalgia and strengthened my desire to travel. One of my greatest goals in life is to see the world. I'm not entirely sure how it's going to happen but I feel like I have to find a way. Maybe I'll focus on travel writing instead of entertainment journalism. Maybe someday I'll just disappear to another place and start over, just to try something different. Maybe..
The only road trips I've ever really been on thus far have been with my parents. We took one a long time ago to visit some friends in Grass Valley, CA, North East of Sacramento. I forget how old I was, but the trip was over eight hours and I vaguely remember sitting in the backseat of whichever car we had taken and looking for license plates from other states. I still do that while I'm driving. I probably spent most of the trip there sleeping, but I also remember on our way back home, that we stopped in a lot of tourist spots along the coast - Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, Monterey and Carmel-By-the-Sea, Big Sur, Hearst Castle in San Simeon, and Solvang. I'm sure we did a lot more than that, but my memory fails me. It was my first memorable road trip and I know I enjoyed it a lot.
More recently, I believe it was during my Junior year of high school, my mom and I drove from Tustin to San Jose where we saw the Winchester Mystery House and stayed the night in the city. From there we continued North to San Francisco where we stayed a few more days. I think that was my first time in the City by the Bay and I was in love with it instantly. We didn't even explore all that much, though we did drive over the Golden Gate Bridge, walk around Pier 39 and visit the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art. It saddens me that I'm actually having trouble remembering what else we did, but I would've loved to stay longer and see more. We also visited my mom's friend Jenny in Janesville, CA for a few days before continuing onto Yosemite National Park. I really wish we'd stayed there longer, because we only spent part of the day driving through it and it was incredibly beautiful. I'd love to go back again.
The only other pseudo road trips I can remember have been smaller trips, like a day trip with my dad down to San Diego for breakfast with my Grandpa and out to the Salton Sea afterwards to see Slab City and Salvation Mountain (another place I'd love to visit again), and another in which way drove up Highway 395 to visit his old friends in Yerington, Nevada for a few days. The best part of that trip was seeing the sky at night from the middle of nowhere. You could see so many more stars in the sky than anyone ever will from most of Southern California. It was wonderful out there, aside from the heat. I'm sure I'd go crazy living in the practically-barren desert, but it was a beautifully serene place to stay for a few days.
If nothing else, writing this blog has both brought on an extreme bout of nostalgia and strengthened my desire to travel. One of my greatest goals in life is to see the world. I'm not entirely sure how it's going to happen but I feel like I have to find a way. Maybe I'll focus on travel writing instead of entertainment journalism. Maybe someday I'll just disappear to another place and start over, just to try something different. Maybe..
Friday, June 19, 2009
day six - an aesthetic voyager whose home is the road
"I'll paraphrase Thoreau here: Rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness.. Give me truth." - Emile Hirsch in Into the Wild.
If you've ever seen Into the Wild, you know at least a little bit about Christopher Johnson McCandless. A lot of people feel little sympathy towards his tragic story. Many think that he was just a stupid kid trying to prove something. Personally, I feel inspired every time I read about him or watch the movie based on his adventures. I hate that the idea of just leaving your life to travel around the country the way he did is less plausible for women than it is for men. I don't know that I'll ever see the world the way he did, or even the way I would love to, but even if his death was caused by a foolish mistake, I will always feel the deepest respect and admiration for the decisions he made.
"The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. (...) You are wrong if you think Joy amanates only or principally from human relationships. God has placed it all around us. It is in everything and anything we might experience. We just have to have the courage to turn against our habitual lifestyle and engage in unconventional living." - Christopher Johnson McCandless
If you've ever seen Into the Wild, you know at least a little bit about Christopher Johnson McCandless. A lot of people feel little sympathy towards his tragic story. Many think that he was just a stupid kid trying to prove something. Personally, I feel inspired every time I read about him or watch the movie based on his adventures. I hate that the idea of just leaving your life to travel around the country the way he did is less plausible for women than it is for men. I don't know that I'll ever see the world the way he did, or even the way I would love to, but even if his death was caused by a foolish mistake, I will always feel the deepest respect and admiration for the decisions he made.
"The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. (...) You are wrong if you think Joy amanates only or principally from human relationships. God has placed it all around us. It is in everything and anything we might experience. We just have to have the courage to turn against our habitual lifestyle and engage in unconventional living." - Christopher Johnson McCandless
Thursday, June 18, 2009
day five
Sometimes I begin to think I'm developing some sort of social anxiety disorder by letting myself get too comfortable sitting at home all of the time. I've begun to strongly dislike going anywhere alone, to the point where I'll try to justify putting it off and most likely find a way around it. Sometimes I just have to get out of the house and then I just deal with it and go somewhere. I don't know how to talk to people I don't know. Standard small talk with people you have no choice but to talk to is fine - grocery store clerks, cashiers in any retail environment - I'm fine with those. But when it comes to anything I don't actually need to talk to them about, if I actually have to go out of my way to ask them something or start a conversation, that's when it becomes difficult for me.
A few weeks ago at school, I was sitting outside the music building between two classes and listening to a cute boy play acoustic guitar. I sat there and watched him, not very subtly, for a good half hour and I was pretty certain that he saw me too. I didn't bother hiding it because he was really good and I was enjoying it. Eventually, after debating with myself over whether or not I wanted to compliment him, I walked over at the last possible minute before I needed to head to my next class and I told him he played really well and I'd been enjoying listening to his music. Even something as simple as that literally terrified me. I didn't even introduce myself or ask his name, all I said was that I liked his guitar-playing, and that alone had me practically shaking. It's ridiculous and I have no idea where it comes from but I feel like it's gotten much worse since I graduated and moved and started over at a new school. Now that I don't have people to rely on as "back up" or whatever you want to call it, I just don't put myself in situations where I have to talk to people I don't know. I spend a lot of time alone at school.
I can think of about two friends I've made this year. One of them only went to Cal Poly for a quarter and then, when he transferred to UCR and lived ten minutes from me, I only hung out with him twice at shows. I could see myself hanging out with him again but he also lives in San Diego so I don't know how likely that will be. The other is a girl I rarely see who also lives farther away than my school is from me so I probably won't see her again until the Fall quarter starts. I keep telling myself I need to work on making friends, but I've always relied on other people for that. The majority of the friends I've been close with, I met through other people.
I don't know how to change. :/
A few weeks ago at school, I was sitting outside the music building between two classes and listening to a cute boy play acoustic guitar. I sat there and watched him, not very subtly, for a good half hour and I was pretty certain that he saw me too. I didn't bother hiding it because he was really good and I was enjoying it. Eventually, after debating with myself over whether or not I wanted to compliment him, I walked over at the last possible minute before I needed to head to my next class and I told him he played really well and I'd been enjoying listening to his music. Even something as simple as that literally terrified me. I didn't even introduce myself or ask his name, all I said was that I liked his guitar-playing, and that alone had me practically shaking. It's ridiculous and I have no idea where it comes from but I feel like it's gotten much worse since I graduated and moved and started over at a new school. Now that I don't have people to rely on as "back up" or whatever you want to call it, I just don't put myself in situations where I have to talk to people I don't know. I spend a lot of time alone at school.
I can think of about two friends I've made this year. One of them only went to Cal Poly for a quarter and then, when he transferred to UCR and lived ten minutes from me, I only hung out with him twice at shows. I could see myself hanging out with him again but he also lives in San Diego so I don't know how likely that will be. The other is a girl I rarely see who also lives farther away than my school is from me so I probably won't see her again until the Fall quarter starts. I keep telling myself I need to work on making friends, but I've always relied on other people for that. The majority of the friends I've been close with, I met through other people.
I don't know how to change. :/
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
day four
Four days in and I'm already out of things to write.
How about some upcoming events?
Tuesday June 23rd - Takota's return to Chain + the Audition.
Friday June 26th - Warped Tour with Jason
Saturday June 27th - Andrew's birthday!
Friday July 10th - Ace Enders, Person L, the Dangerous Summer and the Gay Blades all at Chain with a parking lot barbecue before the show.
Saturday July 18th - Brand New at the Troubadour. :D :D :D
Hopefully shortly after that last one Ashley will finally be coming home. I miss her to death. And hopefully by then I will have a job and hopefully I'll be able to get time off and drive her back to San Francisco with her sister and her mom and get to see her apartment and maybe if I have money then we can go exploring and do lots of fun things. :) I'd very much enjoy that.
Since I still haven't been to the mall this week, due to both my laziness and my fear of rejection, I decided to print out the directory of every store at the mall complete with phone numbers and a map. I circled priority stores (I tend to be picky, which is a problem) and I've got 24 to start with, after which I'll start calling the rest. There are plenty of places to try outside of the mall but I'd like to see if I can't find something there. I also still need to call back the stores at Ontario Mills but I'd rather work close to home. That's a more reasonable thing to be picky about than the job itself I think.
I always write about the same things.
How about some upcoming events?
Tuesday June 23rd - Takota's return to Chain + the Audition.
Friday June 26th - Warped Tour with Jason
Saturday June 27th - Andrew's birthday!
Friday July 10th - Ace Enders, Person L, the Dangerous Summer and the Gay Blades all at Chain with a parking lot barbecue before the show.
Saturday July 18th - Brand New at the Troubadour. :D :D :D
Hopefully shortly after that last one Ashley will finally be coming home. I miss her to death. And hopefully by then I will have a job and hopefully I'll be able to get time off and drive her back to San Francisco with her sister and her mom and get to see her apartment and maybe if I have money then we can go exploring and do lots of fun things. :) I'd very much enjoy that.
Since I still haven't been to the mall this week, due to both my laziness and my fear of rejection, I decided to print out the directory of every store at the mall complete with phone numbers and a map. I circled priority stores (I tend to be picky, which is a problem) and I've got 24 to start with, after which I'll start calling the rest. There are plenty of places to try outside of the mall but I'd like to see if I can't find something there. I also still need to call back the stores at Ontario Mills but I'd rather work close to home. That's a more reasonable thing to be picky about than the job itself I think.
I always write about the same things.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
day three
Another day almost entirely wasted. Spent the more exciting parts putting together outfits on Polyvore.com, and I've made six sets so far.
I've had this tab open for almost an hour and I keep distracting myself reading about Kristen Stewart hahah. I joined this fan community for her on Livejournal and anytime Paparazzi photos of her show up, they get posted online as well as interviews and stuff. It's all mildly entertaining and whatnot, considering I've developed a fat girl crush on her. I think she's gorgeous, though I can admit she's not the best actress. I think her awkward persona tends to come through in everything she does, but maybe that's what's sort of endearing about her. I don't know, I just like her.
Completely unrelated, but I wanted to type out something from a book I've had since I was in elementary school. It's called Out of the Dust by Karen Hesse and it used to be one of my favorite books, though it's a bit depressing. Learning about the Dust Bowl in my US History class made me think of it, and there has always been one chapter that stood out in my memory. It's called "The Accident."
I got
burned
bad.
Daddy
put a pail of kerosene
next to the stove
and Ma,
fixing breakfast,
thinking the pail was
filled with water,
lifted it,
to make Daddy's coffee,
poured it,
but instead of making coffee,
Ma made a rope of fire.
It rose up from the stove
to the pail
and the kerosene burst into flames.
Ma ran across the kitchen,
out the porch door,
screaming for Dadd.
I tore after her,
then,
thinking of the burning pail,
left behind in the bone-dry kitchen,
I flew back and grabbed it,
throwing it out the door.
I didn't know.
I didn't know Ma was coming back.
The flaming oil
splashed onto her apron,
and Ma,
suddenly Ma,
was a column of fire.
I pushed her to the ground,
desperate to save her,
desperate to save the baby, I
tried,
beating out the flames with my hands.
I did the best I could.
But it was no good.
Ma
got
burned
bad.
July 1934
Sorry to drag it all out like that, but it's written that way. Apparently that's what you call a verse novel, where the whole thing is told through poetry instead of prose. I kinda wanna read the book again now after remembering that part of it. I remember that the mother dies in childbirth, and the younger brother shortly afterward. I remember that the father ends up drinking a lot and the main character, the girl, Billie Jo (they had wanted a boy the first time around as well), plays piano until the accident happens, because her hands get burned and she can't play anymore. That's all I remember though.
I have a habit of re-reading old books when I have the time to read, instead of finding new ones. I'd like to read a lot more but I never feel like I have the time. At least not during the school year. Summer should be good for that though. I want to start re-reading From the Corner of His Eye when I turn off my laptop tonight, because Michael reminded me how much I used to enjoy that book. Dean Koontz tends to write the same kind of story in every book but I've always loved this one.
Staying up late to read seems like a much more worthwhile way to spend the night.
I've had this tab open for almost an hour and I keep distracting myself reading about Kristen Stewart hahah. I joined this fan community for her on Livejournal and anytime Paparazzi photos of her show up, they get posted online as well as interviews and stuff. It's all mildly entertaining and whatnot, considering I've developed a fat girl crush on her. I think she's gorgeous, though I can admit she's not the best actress. I think her awkward persona tends to come through in everything she does, but maybe that's what's sort of endearing about her. I don't know, I just like her.
Completely unrelated, but I wanted to type out something from a book I've had since I was in elementary school. It's called Out of the Dust by Karen Hesse and it used to be one of my favorite books, though it's a bit depressing. Learning about the Dust Bowl in my US History class made me think of it, and there has always been one chapter that stood out in my memory. It's called "The Accident."
I got
burned
bad.
Daddy
put a pail of kerosene
next to the stove
and Ma,
fixing breakfast,
thinking the pail was
filled with water,
lifted it,
to make Daddy's coffee,
poured it,
but instead of making coffee,
Ma made a rope of fire.
It rose up from the stove
to the pail
and the kerosene burst into flames.
Ma ran across the kitchen,
out the porch door,
screaming for Dadd.
I tore after her,
then,
thinking of the burning pail,
left behind in the bone-dry kitchen,
I flew back and grabbed it,
throwing it out the door.
I didn't know.
I didn't know Ma was coming back.
The flaming oil
splashed onto her apron,
and Ma,
suddenly Ma,
was a column of fire.
I pushed her to the ground,
desperate to save her,
desperate to save the baby, I
tried,
beating out the flames with my hands.
I did the best I could.
But it was no good.
Ma
got
burned
bad.
July 1934
Sorry to drag it all out like that, but it's written that way. Apparently that's what you call a verse novel, where the whole thing is told through poetry instead of prose. I kinda wanna read the book again now after remembering that part of it. I remember that the mother dies in childbirth, and the younger brother shortly afterward. I remember that the father ends up drinking a lot and the main character, the girl, Billie Jo (they had wanted a boy the first time around as well), plays piano until the accident happens, because her hands get burned and she can't play anymore. That's all I remember though.
I have a habit of re-reading old books when I have the time to read, instead of finding new ones. I'd like to read a lot more but I never feel like I have the time. At least not during the school year. Summer should be good for that though. I want to start re-reading From the Corner of His Eye when I turn off my laptop tonight, because Michael reminded me how much I used to enjoy that book. Dean Koontz tends to write the same kind of story in every book but I've always loved this one.
Staying up late to read seems like a much more worthwhile way to spend the night.
Monday, June 15, 2009
day two
Summertime and the livin's easy? I only finished classes last Thursday and I'm already out of stuff to do. Definitely need to find a job ASAP. I think I'll head to the mall tomorrow and pick up a bunch of applications, fill 'em out in the food court and take them all back. Should probably also call the three places I applied at in the Ontario Mills mall last Friday as well.
I'm really hoping that with Summer classes canceled, I'll have a little more luck in my pursuit. Having no experience has been an issue so far but I dunno. It's hard to be optimistic but I just need something to get my foot in the door. Jason's friend Amanda said I could probably get a job at her work so I might take her up on that too.
Other things to look forward to: Takota's return to Chain, hopefully Warped with Jason, the Ace Enders barbecue party and show with the Gay Blades, Person L and the Dangerous Summer. I'd really really like to go see Fun, Limbeck and Hellogoodbye at Chain too but I dunno if I'll have money to buy tickets. I hate asking for extra money from my parents. (job job job)
I've yet to be productive today so I think I'll at least try to get some laundry done. Maybe go for a short bike ride. I need to do SOMETHING.
I'm really hoping that with Summer classes canceled, I'll have a little more luck in my pursuit. Having no experience has been an issue so far but I dunno. It's hard to be optimistic but I just need something to get my foot in the door. Jason's friend Amanda said I could probably get a job at her work so I might take her up on that too.
Other things to look forward to: Takota's return to Chain, hopefully Warped with Jason, the Ace Enders barbecue party and show with the Gay Blades, Person L and the Dangerous Summer. I'd really really like to go see Fun, Limbeck and Hellogoodbye at Chain too but I dunno if I'll have money to buy tickets. I hate asking for extra money from my parents. (job job job)
I've yet to be productive today so I think I'll at least try to get some laundry done. Maybe go for a short bike ride. I need to do SOMETHING.
365 day blog - day one
So I'm thinking I might have to steal the whole 365 days blog idea from everyone who's already done it before me, just to make myself write. Michael put the idea in my head again after reading his blog the other day. Maybe we'll call this day one.
It's summer now. I finished the quarter from hell, probably with really poor grades. Definitely not with grades I can be proud of, that's for sure. Summer quarter got canceled because of budget cuts so now I REALLY need to find a job, as if it wasn't stressed enough before. I really hate money.
I'm gonna be vain and annoying for two seconds and wish that I had myself a boy. A nice, respectable boy who doesn't mind an affectionate girl, because that's how I roll. The end.
I've been playing more guitar lately. I think, to me, that's either the most interesting or most important (or both) part of this entry.
It's summer now. I finished the quarter from hell, probably with really poor grades. Definitely not with grades I can be proud of, that's for sure. Summer quarter got canceled because of budget cuts so now I REALLY need to find a job, as if it wasn't stressed enough before. I really hate money.
I'm gonna be vain and annoying for two seconds and wish that I had myself a boy. A nice, respectable boy who doesn't mind an affectionate girl, because that's how I roll. The end.
I've been playing more guitar lately. I think, to me, that's either the most interesting or most important (or both) part of this entry.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
when i'm with you, there's no point in breathing
It's been a year since I said goodbye to you. I'm still sorry for the way everything turned out. I wish it had worked out differently. I wish it had started out differently, perhaps in the ways we both knew would've made everything easier. I'm still terrified that I may have ruined one of the best things I've ever had and possibly ever will. I'm worried I threw away my best chance at something people search for their entire lives, something that was given to me under difficult circumstances. Under circumstanced that I didn't have the means to change and still don't. I wish the circumstances had been different but I'm afraid that I'm missing out on what could've been. I don't know how it could have turned out any other way though. I know it's pointless to regret, but I do sometimes. Sometimes I wish none of it had happened. Sometimes I wish I had never explained what was going on and I wonder how things would be now had I not done so. Mostly I try not to think about what could have been because it hurts to think that I might have thrown away my one chance. I got lucky and it didn't work out and I'm afraid that'll be the only chance I get. I hope I'm wrong.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
life as we know it
I've been taking a massive trip down memory lane for the past few hours, mostly reading old blogs and whatnot, from eighth grade until now. It's just insanely weird to see how drastically things can change over the course of a few years. Some people meant the world to me then and now we don't even speak. I'm incredibly thankful for so much of what I've been through, and for having had friends to support me through it all. I'm thankful for all the ridiculous trials I've had and the fact that I've survived them. I know I haven't been through anything all that traumatic, but I always believed that you couldn't compare peoples' problems because everyone has their own scale for what's tough and trying.
To anyone who's ever listened to me and helped me out with anything, thank you. It's meant more to me than you'll ever know. Four people come to mind specifically, the four people I've been closest with. The four best friends I've had over the last six years or so.
Allyssa Zander. You were my best friend for such a long time. The first person I really felt close to and spent all my time with. All the silly notes we wrote in ninth grade (love you bunches and tons and apples and bananas) and sleepovers and going to my first show with you - I will always remember those. High school took us our separate ways and I'm sorry things turned out the way they did but I'll always remember you fondly for the good times.
Jessica Andre. You were the first person to save my life. You have literally meant more to me than almost anyone I've ever known. You had my back through so much shit, it's not even funny. After high school started to suck, I always had you to depend on and staying at your house every weekend never got old. I have never been able to stop missing you and the way things were. I hope life turns out the best that it can for you.
Vanessa Saade. I hate to think how much I took you for granted. I'm glad we still talk, but I'm more thankful for having been your friend than you will ever know. In a time when all the tough things were really the events that would shape me for the rest of my life, you were always there. You were always looking out for me and keeping me sane and happy. Thank you so much for being a better friend than I could have ever wished for.
Ashley Ryan. Holy hell, where do I even begin? I've known you since before the fourth grade and you have always been a good friend to me. Always. You are one of the most caring and compassionate people I have ever known and I feel more blessed to have had you in my life and called you a friend than I could ever describe. I don't even think of you as a friend anymore because you're so much more than that to me. You are my sister. My guardian angel. While I hate being away from you so much now and I miss spending all my time at your house and doing silly things with you, I'm also so happy for you and the way your life is going. You're headed for amazing things and I can't wait to see how it all turns out. I'm so proud of you and so thankful for everything you've ever done for me. I love you.
I'm incredibly thankful for everyone who has ever been a friend to me, but these four girls have changed my life. Friends are the most amazing and beautiful people, but best friends go beyond that. They are your family. They are your sisters, your angels. There's something spectacular about the bond between best friends.
I love and hate writing things like this because it gets me so emotional, but it also helps me put so much into perspective. Not that I didn't already know how I felt about all of these people, but looking back at how things were before anything bad or dramatic happened between any of us makes me that much more glad that we were ever friends in the first place, no matter how our friendships ended or whether or not we're still on good terms.
I guess that's what life is all about in a sense, though. No matter what sort of horrible things happen, you just have to focus on all the good things that you've been through and that you're going through and be thankful that you have people to share them with. That idea alone makes me want to try to be a more positive person and turn things around because I don't want to look back on this time in my life later and regret anything. The way it's going now makes me think I probably will and I want to change that. I need to.
Wish me luck.
To anyone who's ever listened to me and helped me out with anything, thank you. It's meant more to me than you'll ever know. Four people come to mind specifically, the four people I've been closest with. The four best friends I've had over the last six years or so.
Allyssa Zander. You were my best friend for such a long time. The first person I really felt close to and spent all my time with. All the silly notes we wrote in ninth grade (love you bunches and tons and apples and bananas) and sleepovers and going to my first show with you - I will always remember those. High school took us our separate ways and I'm sorry things turned out the way they did but I'll always remember you fondly for the good times.
Jessica Andre. You were the first person to save my life. You have literally meant more to me than almost anyone I've ever known. You had my back through so much shit, it's not even funny. After high school started to suck, I always had you to depend on and staying at your house every weekend never got old. I have never been able to stop missing you and the way things were. I hope life turns out the best that it can for you.
Vanessa Saade. I hate to think how much I took you for granted. I'm glad we still talk, but I'm more thankful for having been your friend than you will ever know. In a time when all the tough things were really the events that would shape me for the rest of my life, you were always there. You were always looking out for me and keeping me sane and happy. Thank you so much for being a better friend than I could have ever wished for.
Ashley Ryan. Holy hell, where do I even begin? I've known you since before the fourth grade and you have always been a good friend to me. Always. You are one of the most caring and compassionate people I have ever known and I feel more blessed to have had you in my life and called you a friend than I could ever describe. I don't even think of you as a friend anymore because you're so much more than that to me. You are my sister. My guardian angel. While I hate being away from you so much now and I miss spending all my time at your house and doing silly things with you, I'm also so happy for you and the way your life is going. You're headed for amazing things and I can't wait to see how it all turns out. I'm so proud of you and so thankful for everything you've ever done for me. I love you.
I'm incredibly thankful for everyone who has ever been a friend to me, but these four girls have changed my life. Friends are the most amazing and beautiful people, but best friends go beyond that. They are your family. They are your sisters, your angels. There's something spectacular about the bond between best friends.
I love and hate writing things like this because it gets me so emotional, but it also helps me put so much into perspective. Not that I didn't already know how I felt about all of these people, but looking back at how things were before anything bad or dramatic happened between any of us makes me that much more glad that we were ever friends in the first place, no matter how our friendships ended or whether or not we're still on good terms.
I guess that's what life is all about in a sense, though. No matter what sort of horrible things happen, you just have to focus on all the good things that you've been through and that you're going through and be thankful that you have people to share them with. That idea alone makes me want to try to be a more positive person and turn things around because I don't want to look back on this time in my life later and regret anything. The way it's going now makes me think I probably will and I want to change that. I need to.
Wish me luck.
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