I'm so scared right now. Technically, all I have to do is type in an address and press send but there's so much more to it than that. The consequences are what I'm worried about. I don't ever want to hurt anyone. If I had it my way, the people I love would never hurt. I've told a few people what I've been thinking about lately, but I know that no matter how many people I talk to about this, no one can tell me what to do. No one can tell me if I'm right or wrong in what I'm feeling. I just have to trust myself and believe that what I'm about to do is really what's right for everyone involved.
Fuck, I wish it were as simple as it sounds.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Friday, August 22, 2008
love is just a hoax.
lalalala. Ashley moved to San Francisco this week. It's kind of weird knowing I can't just go back down to Tustin and drive to her house to see her anymore. I wish San Fran were closer hahah. Not only is it an incredible city, but I can tell she's already have a good time in just the first few days. I knew she would. :) I'm excited for her.
I've heard most of the new Valencia now, and it's lovely, of course. I knew it would be. They're so great. I can't wait to see them play the glass house. Takota's playing there again soon, and then so is Anberlin with Scary Kids Scaring Kids at some point. Going to shows alone is somewhat strange. I went to see Chris Conley and Matt Pryor at Chain on Tuesday night and it was my first real show alone, other than Vast Atlantic's stint at the District a while back. It wasn't so bad though, just a little awkward between sets. I figured I'd be doing that a lot this year, but I'm glad I've got a bunch of good first shows alone planned cause that makes it much better. :) haha.
Anyway. The last two days have been less-than-productive. I have a feeling the rest of my summer will be about the same. I gotta start working on getting a job again. I wish it were easier but it's proven to be incredibly difficult. I don't even know where to look here because I don't know where anything is. I walked around the mall one day but not a single store had hiring signs up so I'm thinking it's gonna stay difficult til about the end of summer, at which point I'll have to consider school and it would suck very much to have to accomodate to both school and a first job at the same time. Blah blah, whine whine whine. You get the point.
Something very specific and very important has been weighing heavy on my mind these past few weeks. I don't wanna talk about it in too much detail because a) it's very personal and b) it's not something anyone else can help me with. I have to work it out myself and as terrified as I am to do what I know I should do and what I think is right for me in the long run, I know it needs to be done. I'm fucking scared though. I don't want to hurt anyone and I'm afraid the other person involved is going to hate me. But the thing that needs to be changed really does need to. I don't think the way things are going right now are really right for me. There is far too much uncertainty involved and I don't think I want to handle dealing with that for the next four years of my life, just waiting to see if things work out how I'd like them to right now. I know I could handle it, I never lied about that. I just don't think it's right for me. But how do I tell him that? Afdsakfdsa.
I don't want to think about this anymore.
I would really like it if my parents came back this evening with my laptop in running condition. It's had problems forever and it was supposed to be my graduation present but they never fixed it. Stupid.
I want to visit Ashley. That would be a lot of fun. I want to make new friends but I'm worried that my schedule (only two days a week and not dorming) will make that more difficult. Not to mention the fact that I'm way too shy. Facebook is helping a little though, and I do have a month before I really get to see any of these people anyway. So I have time.
I wish I could finish putting my room together myself. I need to put my shelves up but I don't have the hardware/skills. I also want to put up the bookshelf that attaches to my desk but it needs to be touched up with some white paint and I don't know how it attaches anyway. My parents are gone almost all day every day during the week for work and there's not a whole lot I can do around the house so since we've moved, our progress has come to a dead stop pretty much. It would be nice to finally start unpacking my books and stuff though and have more space in my room.
This is becoming a random rant. Maybe I'll think of something more coherent and important to discuss tomorrow.
I've heard most of the new Valencia now, and it's lovely, of course. I knew it would be. They're so great. I can't wait to see them play the glass house. Takota's playing there again soon, and then so is Anberlin with Scary Kids Scaring Kids at some point. Going to shows alone is somewhat strange. I went to see Chris Conley and Matt Pryor at Chain on Tuesday night and it was my first real show alone, other than Vast Atlantic's stint at the District a while back. It wasn't so bad though, just a little awkward between sets. I figured I'd be doing that a lot this year, but I'm glad I've got a bunch of good first shows alone planned cause that makes it much better. :) haha.
Anyway. The last two days have been less-than-productive. I have a feeling the rest of my summer will be about the same. I gotta start working on getting a job again. I wish it were easier but it's proven to be incredibly difficult. I don't even know where to look here because I don't know where anything is. I walked around the mall one day but not a single store had hiring signs up so I'm thinking it's gonna stay difficult til about the end of summer, at which point I'll have to consider school and it would suck very much to have to accomodate to both school and a first job at the same time. Blah blah, whine whine whine. You get the point.
Something very specific and very important has been weighing heavy on my mind these past few weeks. I don't wanna talk about it in too much detail because a) it's very personal and b) it's not something anyone else can help me with. I have to work it out myself and as terrified as I am to do what I know I should do and what I think is right for me in the long run, I know it needs to be done. I'm fucking scared though. I don't want to hurt anyone and I'm afraid the other person involved is going to hate me. But the thing that needs to be changed really does need to. I don't think the way things are going right now are really right for me. There is far too much uncertainty involved and I don't think I want to handle dealing with that for the next four years of my life, just waiting to see if things work out how I'd like them to right now. I know I could handle it, I never lied about that. I just don't think it's right for me. But how do I tell him that? Afdsakfdsa.
I don't want to think about this anymore.
I would really like it if my parents came back this evening with my laptop in running condition. It's had problems forever and it was supposed to be my graduation present but they never fixed it. Stupid.
I want to visit Ashley. That would be a lot of fun. I want to make new friends but I'm worried that my schedule (only two days a week and not dorming) will make that more difficult. Not to mention the fact that I'm way too shy. Facebook is helping a little though, and I do have a month before I really get to see any of these people anyway. So I have time.
I wish I could finish putting my room together myself. I need to put my shelves up but I don't have the hardware/skills. I also want to put up the bookshelf that attaches to my desk but it needs to be touched up with some white paint and I don't know how it attaches anyway. My parents are gone almost all day every day during the week for work and there's not a whole lot I can do around the house so since we've moved, our progress has come to a dead stop pretty much. It would be nice to finally start unpacking my books and stuff though and have more space in my room.
This is becoming a random rant. Maybe I'll think of something more coherent and important to discuss tomorrow.
Monday, August 18, 2008
all's fair in love and lyrics.
Chandeliers - Ceiling Stars
everybody knows you never slept once this summer
but here we are
two more semesters and two thousand more mistakes
when, all's fair in love and lyrics
shatter the heart you couldn't break
tonight I burn this building
this bedroom, these ceiling stars
and journals we had saved
(you hate them anyway)
I tried to feel for you
but now there's something in the way
all's fair in love and lyrics
shatter the heart you couldn't break
sparks ignite the tiny fire
I'm holding in my hands
brought to my lips with each desire
to carry out my plans
the rise and fall
of lungs inside my chest
are filling out
with all the poison I have left
the wedding bells are fading out
and the year we spent together I would rather forget now
the rise and fall
of lungs inside a chest
are calling out
for the moment that our bodies felt
call it what you like
you can hide the knife away
call it what you like
but the scars are here to stay
the room we knew is coming down
the nights we had are ashes now
back and forth the medics try to
save us from the flames
everybody knows you never slept once this summer
but here we are
two more semesters and two thousand more mistakes
well, all's fair in love and lyrics
shatter the heart you couldn't break
everybody knows you never slept once this summer
but here we are
two more semesters and two thousand more mistakes
when, all's fair in love and lyrics
shatter the heart you couldn't break
tonight I burn this building
this bedroom, these ceiling stars
and journals we had saved
(you hate them anyway)
I tried to feel for you
but now there's something in the way
all's fair in love and lyrics
shatter the heart you couldn't break
sparks ignite the tiny fire
I'm holding in my hands
brought to my lips with each desire
to carry out my plans
the rise and fall
of lungs inside my chest
are filling out
with all the poison I have left
the wedding bells are fading out
and the year we spent together I would rather forget now
the rise and fall
of lungs inside a chest
are calling out
for the moment that our bodies felt
call it what you like
you can hide the knife away
call it what you like
but the scars are here to stay
the room we knew is coming down
the nights we had are ashes now
back and forth the medics try to
save us from the flames
everybody knows you never slept once this summer
but here we are
two more semesters and two thousand more mistakes
well, all's fair in love and lyrics
shatter the heart you couldn't break
Thursday, August 14, 2008
and it's just a little crush
I don't know if it's just me, but I tend to think about what I'm about to write in my head, like I say it in my head first to see how it'll sound and it seems like every time I start a blog, I start it with the word "so." I'm trying to veer away from that a little though, thus you now have a nice little prologue to this blog that's completely irrelevant to what I wanted to write about.
Something happened today that reminded me of a conversation that Ashley, Jason and I were having at Denny's the other night. Music is common topic for all of us I think, and we were talking about having crushes on band members. (Or I guess it would be more accurate to say Jason was making fun of Ashley for having them.) While we were listing her various attractive and musically inclined boys, I started trying to think of band crushes that I have and honestly, it's hard to come up with any. Sure, I could list plenty of band members I find attractive but I also consider thinking someone is cute and having a crush on them to be two different situations entirely. You have to know someone at least a little bit to have a crush on them. I could go out to the grocery store right now and probably find someone I think is cute, but that doesn't mean I have a crush on him, so it's different. You can also think someone that you know is cute but still not have a crush on them. Case in point- I think the guys of NOGH are pretty attractive but I wouldn't say I've ever had crushes on any of them. But then again I've kind of pushed myself away from having crushes since about the ninth grade so maybe that has something to do with it.
Anyway, too many tangential details so far. I need to work on that. But the thing today that made me start thinking about all of this was that the one guy who I know from a band that would almost fall under the band-crush category was telling me he liked my new photos (check them out please) and it made me smile because I had complained that it's always hard to get people to actually look at them and he said he always does. It was cute, and a big part of why he kind of falls into that list has nothing to do with the fact that he's in a band, but more because of what a nice guy he is. He's totally sweet to people he hardly knows (ie me) and I've never seen or heard him be the least bit mean, even about the band he was in that pretty much kicked him out. But anyway. I guess my point is that it's kind of silly to like someone just because they are in a band, or to like a band just because its members are aesthetically pleasing. Which also reminds me of all the screaming children that went to see the Plain White T's/Takota show at the block. I wanted to shoot most of them because maybe two percent of them knew any of the words to Takota's songs and Ashley and I have been seeing them play for years now. (Grumble grumble, no appreciation for good music these days, blah blah.)
I could go on but then this would just turn into a rant about what I just wrote in those parentheses (how the hell do you spell that?) and I'd just rather not.
I think it should be Friday evening right about now. If I could just skip twenty four hours I think I might go for that actually. Living alone (sort of) can be nice for a while but it's getting really old by now. :/
Something happened today that reminded me of a conversation that Ashley, Jason and I were having at Denny's the other night. Music is common topic for all of us I think, and we were talking about having crushes on band members. (Or I guess it would be more accurate to say Jason was making fun of Ashley for having them.) While we were listing her various attractive and musically inclined boys, I started trying to think of band crushes that I have and honestly, it's hard to come up with any. Sure, I could list plenty of band members I find attractive but I also consider thinking someone is cute and having a crush on them to be two different situations entirely. You have to know someone at least a little bit to have a crush on them. I could go out to the grocery store right now and probably find someone I think is cute, but that doesn't mean I have a crush on him, so it's different. You can also think someone that you know is cute but still not have a crush on them. Case in point- I think the guys of NOGH are pretty attractive but I wouldn't say I've ever had crushes on any of them. But then again I've kind of pushed myself away from having crushes since about the ninth grade so maybe that has something to do with it.
Anyway, too many tangential details so far. I need to work on that. But the thing today that made me start thinking about all of this was that the one guy who I know from a band that would almost fall under the band-crush category was telling me he liked my new photos (check them out please) and it made me smile because I had complained that it's always hard to get people to actually look at them and he said he always does. It was cute, and a big part of why he kind of falls into that list has nothing to do with the fact that he's in a band, but more because of what a nice guy he is. He's totally sweet to people he hardly knows (ie me) and I've never seen or heard him be the least bit mean, even about the band he was in that pretty much kicked him out. But anyway. I guess my point is that it's kind of silly to like someone just because they are in a band, or to like a band just because its members are aesthetically pleasing. Which also reminds me of all the screaming children that went to see the Plain White T's/Takota show at the block. I wanted to shoot most of them because maybe two percent of them knew any of the words to Takota's songs and Ashley and I have been seeing them play for years now. (Grumble grumble, no appreciation for good music these days, blah blah.)
I could go on but then this would just turn into a rant about what I just wrote in those parentheses (how the hell do you spell that?) and I'd just rather not.
I think it should be Friday evening right about now. If I could just skip twenty four hours I think I might go for that actually. Living alone (sort of) can be nice for a while but it's getting really old by now. :/
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
slipping into something more comfortable
I've pretty much tried to make my posts on this blog more thoughtful and at least semi-important regarding the topics, but I feel it's about time for a random bullshit rant.
Today the power went out for a few hours and it was sad how excited I got when it came back on. I was actually kind of enjoying just sitting on the porch with my iPod and a piece of paper, scribbling down lyrics and such, but when I heard the fan turn on inside the door, I practically jumped up. Human dependency on technology is a little ridiculous.
The other night, I think.. Monday night.. OH! I have weekend stories first. So I think I drove out to Tustin around noon on Sunday or so, caught the Plain White T's and Takota show at the block, took some sweet group pictures and said hello to the lovely boys of Takota. Ashley and I hung out with Alex Buster for a bit which was fun. He's pretty cute and a very funny person. After thatttt we went to see Vick and meet his dog Toby. I might have the order of events wrong. Pretty sure I do in fact. Oh well, we hung out with a bunch of cute dogs and saw Justin and Vick for a little bit. Went to Denny's with Jason after that. Yum yum, french toast.
Awkward side note- I was watching The Brave One before I got online and I never changed the channel.. I think some cheesy Cinemax porn is on now. Blehhh.
Anyway, I had a gas station conflict that night too. We pulled into some station and none of the easy-to-approach pumps were open and some bitch hadn't pulled all the way forward so I had to get around in front of her and back up and as soon as I'm done reversing, she honks cause she's done filling up and wants to leave. I'm not a fan of controversy but I wasn't even about to get out of her way when she didn't bother pulling up all the way, so the whole time I filled up my gas she sat there behind me, waiting.. with her engine on. Fucking dumb, but sort of ironic. She was too stubborn to move so she decided she'd rather waste the gas she had just bought. LOLZ to her. And then as soon as I got back in my car, before I had even turned the engine back on, she finally decided to go around. Soooo stupid. Oh well..
So thennnn on Monday I met up with my mom and my brother at the Toyota dealership because my tire was shredded. I thought there was some problem with the alignment but I hadn't actually given it a look and my mom flipped the fuck out. "Blah blah blah, I know you learned stuff in that class! Blah blah, you should've known, you could've had a blow out! Rah rah I'm so mad ARGHHHH." Much along those lines. Anyway, we had Togo's and got new tires at Costco and thennnn I went to the Spectrum with Justin, Vick, Ronda and Carolina. I bought a new Sarah Dessen book at Barnes and Noble, Just Listen. I drove home afterward and stayed up til around five in the morning reading the book. :) I was up so late that the first trash truck came in the morning and reminded me I needed to take out the bins. Whoops.
So anyway. Today the power went out. That was just about the only exciting event. Cinemax pornos are really really dumb, in case you wanted to know. My dad's work picnic is on Friday so I'm going to drive back down to Tustin for that and then stay the night and go to Ashley's Grandma's surprise birthday party thing on Saturday. It's actually supposed to be a big family function but it's also the last time I'm gonna see Ashley before she moves. :( Sad day. After that I'm gonna come home again and thennn go back one more time on Tuesday for a show at Chain and a bike ride either Tuesday or Wednesday I think. Yay! Summer is fun when I'm not stuck at home alone.
I don't know if anyone reads this, or if anyone that does will understand this.. but afternoon meatloaf is still making attempts at talking to me. I thought I was free but alas, I am not. :(
I really need to change the TV channel. This shit is ridiculous. The post title is kind of ironic considering I wrote that out before the program changed. Lulz.
Today the power went out for a few hours and it was sad how excited I got when it came back on. I was actually kind of enjoying just sitting on the porch with my iPod and a piece of paper, scribbling down lyrics and such, but when I heard the fan turn on inside the door, I practically jumped up. Human dependency on technology is a little ridiculous.
The other night, I think.. Monday night.. OH! I have weekend stories first. So I think I drove out to Tustin around noon on Sunday or so, caught the Plain White T's and Takota show at the block, took some sweet group pictures and said hello to the lovely boys of Takota. Ashley and I hung out with Alex Buster for a bit which was fun. He's pretty cute and a very funny person. After thatttt we went to see Vick and meet his dog Toby. I might have the order of events wrong. Pretty sure I do in fact. Oh well, we hung out with a bunch of cute dogs and saw Justin and Vick for a little bit. Went to Denny's with Jason after that. Yum yum, french toast.
Awkward side note- I was watching The Brave One before I got online and I never changed the channel.. I think some cheesy Cinemax porn is on now. Blehhh.
Anyway, I had a gas station conflict that night too. We pulled into some station and none of the easy-to-approach pumps were open and some bitch hadn't pulled all the way forward so I had to get around in front of her and back up and as soon as I'm done reversing, she honks cause she's done filling up and wants to leave. I'm not a fan of controversy but I wasn't even about to get out of her way when she didn't bother pulling up all the way, so the whole time I filled up my gas she sat there behind me, waiting.. with her engine on. Fucking dumb, but sort of ironic. She was too stubborn to move so she decided she'd rather waste the gas she had just bought. LOLZ to her. And then as soon as I got back in my car, before I had even turned the engine back on, she finally decided to go around. Soooo stupid. Oh well..
So thennnn on Monday I met up with my mom and my brother at the Toyota dealership because my tire was shredded. I thought there was some problem with the alignment but I hadn't actually given it a look and my mom flipped the fuck out. "Blah blah blah, I know you learned stuff in that class! Blah blah, you should've known, you could've had a blow out! Rah rah I'm so mad ARGHHHH." Much along those lines. Anyway, we had Togo's and got new tires at Costco and thennnn I went to the Spectrum with Justin, Vick, Ronda and Carolina. I bought a new Sarah Dessen book at Barnes and Noble, Just Listen. I drove home afterward and stayed up til around five in the morning reading the book. :) I was up so late that the first trash truck came in the morning and reminded me I needed to take out the bins. Whoops.
So anyway. Today the power went out. That was just about the only exciting event. Cinemax pornos are really really dumb, in case you wanted to know. My dad's work picnic is on Friday so I'm going to drive back down to Tustin for that and then stay the night and go to Ashley's Grandma's surprise birthday party thing on Saturday. It's actually supposed to be a big family function but it's also the last time I'm gonna see Ashley before she moves. :( Sad day. After that I'm gonna come home again and thennn go back one more time on Tuesday for a show at Chain and a bike ride either Tuesday or Wednesday I think. Yay! Summer is fun when I'm not stuck at home alone.
I don't know if anyone reads this, or if anyone that does will understand this.. but afternoon meatloaf is still making attempts at talking to me. I thought I was free but alas, I am not. :(
I really need to change the TV channel. This shit is ridiculous. The post title is kind of ironic considering I wrote that out before the program changed. Lulz.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
are you username ladiesman217?
Like I said before, I never know what to write about in a blog until my fingers hit the keys. I've been out of town for a few days, or back in town depending on how you want to look at things, and I kind of wish I knew where my journal was and that I'd had it with me. I haven't written anything tangible in a while but I still can't find a lot of things. Such is moving-life. Anyway, I opened the Blogger tab today as well as one for myspace, facebook, AP, my bank account, and surely others. Then I remembered that I wasn't home or with a computer on Sunday to read PostSecret so I immediately opened a tab for that as well, and voila, I had a topic. :)
If you know me well, you've probably heard me talk about how great I think PostSecret is. (not a good word to end a sentence with, but it'll do.) The entire project just blows me away and I'm so glad that Frank Warren thought it up one day and had the courage to tell someone about it and I am so glad that it took off like it did. I'm thankful for every person that has the courage to send in a secret of their own for the rest of us to read and relate to, or just to think about for a few seconds.
I've been saving secrets every week for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I miss a week, but I've got quite a collection going on various hard drives around the house from more than a year's worth of Sunday updates. One of the first secrets I saved was a simple one, without any words, but just a drawing. The card was painted dark grey and had a heart to one side, outlined in gold and filled in with black. It's been posted in many a myspace bulletin and I've showed to a million people, I'm sure. I never really knew what it meant but it has been my favorite card for just about as long as I've known what PostSecret was and it means a lot to me. More so now than it did in the first place, especially since I found out that I knew the person who sent it in.
I was discussing the site and the overall project with a friend one day and we were talking about favorites or something and I showed him the beautifully simplistic card with the heart on it and he confessed that it was his own. He explained what it meant to him when he made it, that it was about how he felt that he always had good intentions, the heart with the golden lining, but it was consistently empty because his intentions were more often than not ill-received. I wish I had saved the conversation so I could remember it better but I'm pretty sure I got the meaning somewhat accurately. Anyway, I'm so thankful for even just knowing that connection that I have, because that's a huge part of what PostSecret is I think. It brings complete strangers together (strangers are just friends waiting to happen, will you be mine?) on a weekly basis and lets each and every person know that they are not alone in whatever they're feeling. Everyone's got a secret, whether they realize it or not, and it's almost a certainty that someone else can relate.
Anyway. That's my fun little rant for the day. :) I strongly urge you to stop by the website (right here) and take a gander. It'll only take a few minutes of your time. And if you're too busy for that, I'll just show you the card that spawned this post in the first place. I hope you all had a lovely weekend (whoever reads this) and I wish you a swell week to come.
If you know me well, you've probably heard me talk about how great I think PostSecret is. (not a good word to end a sentence with, but it'll do.) The entire project just blows me away and I'm so glad that Frank Warren thought it up one day and had the courage to tell someone about it and I am so glad that it took off like it did. I'm thankful for every person that has the courage to send in a secret of their own for the rest of us to read and relate to, or just to think about for a few seconds.
I've been saving secrets every week for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I miss a week, but I've got quite a collection going on various hard drives around the house from more than a year's worth of Sunday updates. One of the first secrets I saved was a simple one, without any words, but just a drawing. The card was painted dark grey and had a heart to one side, outlined in gold and filled in with black. It's been posted in many a myspace bulletin and I've showed to a million people, I'm sure. I never really knew what it meant but it has been my favorite card for just about as long as I've known what PostSecret was and it means a lot to me. More so now than it did in the first place, especially since I found out that I knew the person who sent it in.
I was discussing the site and the overall project with a friend one day and we were talking about favorites or something and I showed him the beautifully simplistic card with the heart on it and he confessed that it was his own. He explained what it meant to him when he made it, that it was about how he felt that he always had good intentions, the heart with the golden lining, but it was consistently empty because his intentions were more often than not ill-received. I wish I had saved the conversation so I could remember it better but I'm pretty sure I got the meaning somewhat accurately. Anyway, I'm so thankful for even just knowing that connection that I have, because that's a huge part of what PostSecret is I think. It brings complete strangers together (strangers are just friends waiting to happen, will you be mine?) on a weekly basis and lets each and every person know that they are not alone in whatever they're feeling. Everyone's got a secret, whether they realize it or not, and it's almost a certainty that someone else can relate.
Anyway. That's my fun little rant for the day. :) I strongly urge you to stop by the website (right here) and take a gander. It'll only take a few minutes of your time. And if you're too busy for that, I'll just show you the card that spawned this post in the first place. I hope you all had a lovely weekend (whoever reads this) and I wish you a swell week to come.
Friday, August 8, 2008
hello seattle, i am an albatross.
Alright so I moved on to a new song for repeating all day long..
"Another Bag of Bones" by Kevin Devine is so damn good. He played it live with Jesse Lacey at the Roxy and I saved the lyrics in my phone to look up later. It's a great song. His music in general is pretty incredible.
There was some--
I started to post a second blog yesterday but that was as far as I got. :) I don't even know how that sentence was going to end haha. I'm not sure how the rest of this blog is going to end either cause, like I told Garrett earlier, I never know what I want to write about until I start writing. He suggested Mean Girls which is kind of funny cause my only other idea so far almost relates to that subject anyway. Stick around for a while, cause we're gonna have ourselves a story time folks. Names will be left out for the sake of being polite and so I don't have to feel like a terrible person for talking about people that don't know they're being talked about. Er- written about.
So there's this girl I know. She just turned fourteen last month I believe and has led.. an interesting life, to say the least. From what I can tell, she's the kind of kid whose life you take one look at and instantly feel sorry for. You want to help, to show her what she's doing wrong and explain how much better off she could be, but you know it's not up to you and she probably wouldn't listen anyway. For the most part it seems her life is the way it is due to bad parenting. Her real dad is a bit of a screw up and hasn't been in the picture for quite some time. It seemed like he was trying to get his life back on track lately, keeping a steady job and spending some time with her, but I just heard today that things weren't going as great on his side as it sounded like they were. The real issue though is her mom. This girl's mom is in her thirties but she tries to act more like the girl's best friend than her parent. She treats her more like a doll than her own daughter. Recently I was informed that she would be buying her daughter snakebites for her fourteenth birthday and while I laughed at my own mother for being old-enough to poke fun by saying things like, "Sure, that's what I'll do, mutilate my daughter's face for her birthday," I couldn't help but feel sorry for the girl.
I've heard much more gruesome things about her life than that but I don't want to be too detailed. I just hate to see situations like that where you know she's gonna end up in a place she regrets and wishes she could go back from and start over. We can all hope that she'll end up okay in the long run but situations like this are the kind of thing that make me terrified of having kids. The thought of shaping a person's entire personality and morals and behavior and influencing every aspect of their being just.. scares the shit out of me. That's such a huge responsibility that so many people fuck up horrendously and I'd hate to be another name on that list. If I turned out to be a bad parent, I would hate myself. In my mind, there are two types of parents that people try too hard not to become. Nobody wants to be the mean, strict, bad-guy parent, so they end up going way too easy and their kid turns out to be a crackwhore slut because of it. (Obviously an extreme case hah) Or you fear letting your kids get hurt in any way so you crack down too hard and they hate you for it anyway. I guess the way to go would be to try to combine the two and end up somewhere in the middle but it's gotta be so much more complicated than that. Writing it out like this makes it sound easy almost, but if it were easy, you'd think people would be a lot less fucked up than they are.
This reminds me of a story I read in Rolling Stone the other day, about the kid who started the Nebraska mall shooting last year. It was right before Christmas and he felt like his life had been a complete waste and he'd never be able to get himself back on track so why not kill himself and take a few others with him? His entire life had been lived in foster homes and boys' homes after his parents split up. When he was just a baby his parents were always violent which was probably a major cause of his issues in the first place. It was horrible. And it made me think that no matter how hard you try to be a good parent, even if you can find the medium between too soft and too strict, there's still no guarantee that your kid isn't gonna turn out to be a whack job anyway. And obviously you can't control that and it wouldn't be your fault necessarily but you can't really convince someone of something like that after some kind of massacre.
I don't even know what the hell I'm talking about anymore. This is turning into a crazy ramble but maybe it made some sense so far and I should just quit before I stop making any sense at all. I do wanna say one last thing though, because thinking about parenting and all made me stop and consider my own family, and I think my main complaint, if I try and ignore all the small things that bug the shit out of me, is that even after eighteen years, they still can't seem to trust me to make my own decisions. I know they're looking out for my best interests and all, but shouldn't happiness be in my best interests? And shouldn't I be the best judge of what makes me happy? I kinda just wish they would believe me when I tell them what I want and who I want to be with and support me in those kinds of decisions.
"Another Bag of Bones" by Kevin Devine is so damn good. He played it live with Jesse Lacey at the Roxy and I saved the lyrics in my phone to look up later. It's a great song. His music in general is pretty incredible.
There was some--
I started to post a second blog yesterday but that was as far as I got. :) I don't even know how that sentence was going to end haha. I'm not sure how the rest of this blog is going to end either cause, like I told Garrett earlier, I never know what I want to write about until I start writing. He suggested Mean Girls which is kind of funny cause my only other idea so far almost relates to that subject anyway. Stick around for a while, cause we're gonna have ourselves a story time folks. Names will be left out for the sake of being polite and so I don't have to feel like a terrible person for talking about people that don't know they're being talked about. Er- written about.
So there's this girl I know. She just turned fourteen last month I believe and has led.. an interesting life, to say the least. From what I can tell, she's the kind of kid whose life you take one look at and instantly feel sorry for. You want to help, to show her what she's doing wrong and explain how much better off she could be, but you know it's not up to you and she probably wouldn't listen anyway. For the most part it seems her life is the way it is due to bad parenting. Her real dad is a bit of a screw up and hasn't been in the picture for quite some time. It seemed like he was trying to get his life back on track lately, keeping a steady job and spending some time with her, but I just heard today that things weren't going as great on his side as it sounded like they were. The real issue though is her mom. This girl's mom is in her thirties but she tries to act more like the girl's best friend than her parent. She treats her more like a doll than her own daughter. Recently I was informed that she would be buying her daughter snakebites for her fourteenth birthday and while I laughed at my own mother for being old-enough to poke fun by saying things like, "Sure, that's what I'll do, mutilate my daughter's face for her birthday," I couldn't help but feel sorry for the girl.
I've heard much more gruesome things about her life than that but I don't want to be too detailed. I just hate to see situations like that where you know she's gonna end up in a place she regrets and wishes she could go back from and start over. We can all hope that she'll end up okay in the long run but situations like this are the kind of thing that make me terrified of having kids. The thought of shaping a person's entire personality and morals and behavior and influencing every aspect of their being just.. scares the shit out of me. That's such a huge responsibility that so many people fuck up horrendously and I'd hate to be another name on that list. If I turned out to be a bad parent, I would hate myself. In my mind, there are two types of parents that people try too hard not to become. Nobody wants to be the mean, strict, bad-guy parent, so they end up going way too easy and their kid turns out to be a crackwhore slut because of it. (Obviously an extreme case hah) Or you fear letting your kids get hurt in any way so you crack down too hard and they hate you for it anyway. I guess the way to go would be to try to combine the two and end up somewhere in the middle but it's gotta be so much more complicated than that. Writing it out like this makes it sound easy almost, but if it were easy, you'd think people would be a lot less fucked up than they are.
This reminds me of a story I read in Rolling Stone the other day, about the kid who started the Nebraska mall shooting last year. It was right before Christmas and he felt like his life had been a complete waste and he'd never be able to get himself back on track so why not kill himself and take a few others with him? His entire life had been lived in foster homes and boys' homes after his parents split up. When he was just a baby his parents were always violent which was probably a major cause of his issues in the first place. It was horrible. And it made me think that no matter how hard you try to be a good parent, even if you can find the medium between too soft and too strict, there's still no guarantee that your kid isn't gonna turn out to be a whack job anyway. And obviously you can't control that and it wouldn't be your fault necessarily but you can't really convince someone of something like that after some kind of massacre.
I don't even know what the hell I'm talking about anymore. This is turning into a crazy ramble but maybe it made some sense so far and I should just quit before I stop making any sense at all. I do wanna say one last thing though, because thinking about parenting and all made me stop and consider my own family, and I think my main complaint, if I try and ignore all the small things that bug the shit out of me, is that even after eighteen years, they still can't seem to trust me to make my own decisions. I know they're looking out for my best interests and all, but shouldn't happiness be in my best interests? And shouldn't I be the best judge of what makes me happy? I kinda just wish they would believe me when I tell them what I want and who I want to be with and support me in those kinds of decisions.
For Mike
So Mike wanted a blog with proper capitalization, and I've got nothing better to do at the moment other than pay for my stupid stupid parking ticket that I got at Freshman Orientation. >:( Not a happy camper about that one. But anyway, since I am a procrastinator and a lazy child, I'd much rather sit here and type about random whatnots than go write a check.
I think if I had iTunes and audioscrobbler hooked up on this computer, Jesse Shannon's cover of "Colorblind" would've already overtaken the most-played song spot, making all five of my top played songs by him. I've literally been playing this track on repeat for a good week now and I haven't even begun to get tired of it. It's such a beautiful song and a wonderful cover too. Having been written by Adam Duritz definitely doesn't hurt either. I love the Counting Crows. I didn't even know about this song until I'd heard Jesse's cover but I guess it wasn't a single or anything. I don't even know why or what it is about his music, but Jesse Shannon is like.. a freaking genius in my mind. I've tried to tell a few people on AP to listen to him but no one's ever been all that enthusiastic about it. I think he's wonderful though. This cover, as well as "I Am and I Got Mine," "Free," "To See You," and "Going Back South" are all ridiculously good songs. He's got a few others that I also listen to somewhat frequently but I'm on the verge of obsession with those first five. He'd probably think I was nuts if he knew how much I listen to his music, haha. Oh well. I enjoy it and that's all that matters. :)
I was actually just talking to my boyfriend about liking music that everyone else hates. I tend to like a lot of bands that people either used to like and moved on from or never liked at all. I'm still a big fan of Fall Out Boy, even if I don't love Infinity On High as much as their earlier records. I can totally dig Riot, even though everyone and their brother seems to hate Paramore with a fiery passion. That shouldn't matter at all, but it seems to some people it does. I love listening to arguments regarding music because, unlike those involved in the actual argument, I know it's not going anywhere. You can argue all you want about whether Deja Entendu is better than Your Favourite Weapon, or whether Brand New is greater than Taking Back Sunday, but in the end it really doesn't matter. Each person obviously has a different opinion, and I don't care how much you know about the technicalities of music, it's still my opinion that Brand New is better. If I wanted to argue for the hell of it, I'd say that Deja is the better album, if only on the basis of which one I like more, because, to be honest, I don't know shit about music. But I know what I like, and that's all I need to know. I couldn't care less if you think I'm wrong because music isn't about right or wrong, and it isn't about which record sells more copies (or it shouldn't be anyway). It's about the way it moves you, how it makes you feel and if the artist can get you to think about something (here I go again with the writing thing), then his or her job is a job well done.
I opened this tab with no idea what I was going to write about. I tend to do that a lot actually. I just felt like spending a few minutes doing something mildly productive. Okay, fine, I just wanted to get out of taking out the trash for a few more minutes, but this was more enjoyable anyway. :)
I think if I had iTunes and audioscrobbler hooked up on this computer, Jesse Shannon's cover of "Colorblind" would've already overtaken the most-played song spot, making all five of my top played songs by him. I've literally been playing this track on repeat for a good week now and I haven't even begun to get tired of it. It's such a beautiful song and a wonderful cover too. Having been written by Adam Duritz definitely doesn't hurt either. I love the Counting Crows. I didn't even know about this song until I'd heard Jesse's cover but I guess it wasn't a single or anything. I don't even know why or what it is about his music, but Jesse Shannon is like.. a freaking genius in my mind. I've tried to tell a few people on AP to listen to him but no one's ever been all that enthusiastic about it. I think he's wonderful though. This cover, as well as "I Am and I Got Mine," "Free," "To See You," and "Going Back South" are all ridiculously good songs. He's got a few others that I also listen to somewhat frequently but I'm on the verge of obsession with those first five. He'd probably think I was nuts if he knew how much I listen to his music, haha. Oh well. I enjoy it and that's all that matters. :)
I was actually just talking to my boyfriend about liking music that everyone else hates. I tend to like a lot of bands that people either used to like and moved on from or never liked at all. I'm still a big fan of Fall Out Boy, even if I don't love Infinity On High as much as their earlier records. I can totally dig Riot, even though everyone and their brother seems to hate Paramore with a fiery passion. That shouldn't matter at all, but it seems to some people it does. I love listening to arguments regarding music because, unlike those involved in the actual argument, I know it's not going anywhere. You can argue all you want about whether Deja Entendu is better than Your Favourite Weapon, or whether Brand New is greater than Taking Back Sunday, but in the end it really doesn't matter. Each person obviously has a different opinion, and I don't care how much you know about the technicalities of music, it's still my opinion that Brand New is better. If I wanted to argue for the hell of it, I'd say that Deja is the better album, if only on the basis of which one I like more, because, to be honest, I don't know shit about music. But I know what I like, and that's all I need to know. I couldn't care less if you think I'm wrong because music isn't about right or wrong, and it isn't about which record sells more copies (or it shouldn't be anyway). It's about the way it moves you, how it makes you feel and if the artist can get you to think about something (here I go again with the writing thing), then his or her job is a job well done.
I opened this tab with no idea what I was going to write about. I tend to do that a lot actually. I just felt like spending a few minutes doing something mildly productive. Okay, fine, I just wanted to get out of taking out the trash for a few more minutes, but this was more enjoyable anyway. :)
Thursday, August 7, 2008
trying to write.
i need some inspiration. i never know what to write anymore but i figure the only way to get better at writing is to keep doing it. i never really got feedback from journalism but i always liked writing anyway.
i wish i could write like so many people i know. and don't know. i wish i could write blogs like todd, or like georgia joe, or like heychris gutierrez. they all can write in such a way that keeps you reading, it keeps you captivated and you don't wanna stop reading until you've read every word they've ever written. their words make me think, they make me want to change the way i think in general and the way i live. i wish i could write like that, in a way that could inspire people, or in the very least, a way that could make them think, even just for the few minutes they were logged onto my journal until they moved onto the next website.
i want to write blogs that people really enjoy reading, and that they look forward to seeing something new on. whenever i sit down to write an update lately, i don't know what to write. i haven't been up to anything other than sitting around the house and watching tv. i've been watching a lot of great movies lately though, like today is the third time i've watched almost famous this summer. i watched forgest gump again today as well and i saw jarhead yesterday. i know there have been others but those are the freshest in my memory. watching almost famous again is what made me want to try writing again actually. this movie is so great. it pretty much embodies exactly what i want to do with my life. how wonderful would it be to go on tour with a band and live the entire lifestyle just to write an article about them? i think that would be such a great experience.
the other day my dad sent me an email about local clubs and venues and suggested i send them a few of the articles i wrote last year and ask if they were interested in reviews. i'm thinking that might not be a bad idea. first i've gotta get back into writing. i should've written about the jesse lacey show. i could write paaages about that one. i'm still considering that idea as well.
anyway, i just wanted to see how difficult or easy it'd be to write down more than a few lines about anything cause it's been increasingly hard to do lately. i'd say the main cause is the fact that i haven't been really living lately. at least not when i'm at home. i never do anything so maybe that's why i feel like i never have anything to write about. i should work on that.
i wish i could write like so many people i know. and don't know. i wish i could write blogs like todd, or like georgia joe, or like heychris gutierrez. they all can write in such a way that keeps you reading, it keeps you captivated and you don't wanna stop reading until you've read every word they've ever written. their words make me think, they make me want to change the way i think in general and the way i live. i wish i could write like that, in a way that could inspire people, or in the very least, a way that could make them think, even just for the few minutes they were logged onto my journal until they moved onto the next website.
i want to write blogs that people really enjoy reading, and that they look forward to seeing something new on. whenever i sit down to write an update lately, i don't know what to write. i haven't been up to anything other than sitting around the house and watching tv. i've been watching a lot of great movies lately though, like today is the third time i've watched almost famous this summer. i watched forgest gump again today as well and i saw jarhead yesterday. i know there have been others but those are the freshest in my memory. watching almost famous again is what made me want to try writing again actually. this movie is so great. it pretty much embodies exactly what i want to do with my life. how wonderful would it be to go on tour with a band and live the entire lifestyle just to write an article about them? i think that would be such a great experience.
the other day my dad sent me an email about local clubs and venues and suggested i send them a few of the articles i wrote last year and ask if they were interested in reviews. i'm thinking that might not be a bad idea. first i've gotta get back into writing. i should've written about the jesse lacey show. i could write paaages about that one. i'm still considering that idea as well.
anyway, i just wanted to see how difficult or easy it'd be to write down more than a few lines about anything cause it's been increasingly hard to do lately. i'd say the main cause is the fact that i haven't been really living lately. at least not when i'm at home. i never do anything so maybe that's why i feel like i never have anything to write about. i should work on that.
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