I literally have to make a conscious decision not to start my blogs with the word "so." It's a little bit sad.
Anyway, I figured my first day of college would be a good thing to blog about. It was kind of exhausting, mostly because of all the walking and the hot weather, but not too bad otherwise. I was late for my first class which annoys me endlessly because I was up at five thirty and out of the house by six forty. Class started at eight. Traffic around the school was AWFUL though, and thus, I was fifteen minutes late. I grabbed the last desk and two kids came in after me. The COM101 teacher seems nice though. She reminds me of Mrs. Mintz a little. I think I'm gonna like that class a lot actually. We're basically gonna analyze every aspect of media and how it works and how its audiences are affected, et cetera. Should be fun.
Next I have COM204/Advocacy and Argument. Class got cut short because the teacher didn't have her room key yet, but she handed out the syllabus and a list of topics to choose from, one of which will be the subject of a speech we'll be giving in an upcoming class. I didn't realize it was a public-speaking class. This news terrifies me greatly. From our short time together (about ten minutes), I can only assume that the professor is quite straight-laced and serious. :/ Anyway, since class was cut short, I had almost three hours to kill until my next one. I mostly hung out in the library because I'm a big loner with no friends yet. Sad.
Freshman Experience is actually probably going to be a fun class for me. I had no idea what to expect out of it but it's mostly about getting involved on campus and getting the most out of my college experience, blah blah blah. I made a new friend in the hall before we went in. His name was David and he seemed shy/awkward in the same way that I am so that was kind of funny. I also recognized a few girls from my orientation group in the class so hopefully I'll have a few people to talk to in there. :) I liked the professor for that class too. I think she'll be my favorite.
After that I had another forty five minutes to kill, and thennn on to Statistics with Applications. Doesn't that sound like bundles of fun? Yes. Definitely. The first chapter's homework wasn't so bad actually, but that's because it was the first chapter. As long as I pass, I won't mind too much. Ms./Mrs. Shirley seemed a little silly though. She kept trying to make jokes that weren't all that funny and then proceeded to be the only person laughing. She seems nice enough though.
Sad news: First quarter finals are on my birthday, which by the way is only two months and eleven days away now. Seriously, when the hell did that happen? Eighteen went by way too damn fast. And I have a terrible memory for specifics. I'm worried that when I get old and have a family to tell stories to, I won't have any good ones because I won't remember enough about my life to tell. That's a sad thought.
As of half an hour ago, it's my new friend Jacob's birthday. His friends are jerks and decided to ditch him for a party (who does that?!) but I still hope he has a good one. I made him a pretty neat card today and I'm gonna send it on Monday so hopefully that'll help a little. :)
I need to get a jobbbb. My mom tried to crack down a little about that again. We went to Red Robin on Thursday, after my first day of class, and I brought up the idea of visiting Ashley in the end of October and getting a job in November (when everywhere I applied told me to try again) and she proceeded to ignore my idea and tell me I'm too picky and that she didn't care if I don't want to work with food. :/ I applied at the $2 theater down the street and printed an application for the other main theater at the mall. It's not even that I don't want a job, I do. And it's not like I've never tried because I have. I know I'm picky, but hearing how much everyone hates their own jobs worries me a little. I'd rather have a job that I'll enjoy, or at least one that allows for enjoyable benefits. Bleh. We'll see what happens I guess.
I need to learn how to meet people and make new friends. It's tougher than it sounds. Or maybe I make it sound tougher than it is.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
be my savior, and i'll be your downfall.
When I started using this blog I decided that my livejournal would be more for personal rants and this would be more about more thoughtful/important issues, with more "sophisticated" writing, for lack of a better description. It's easier for me to talk about my feelings and things of that nature online, in blogs and such, than in person. Whenever I think about something that's upsetting me, the idea of explaining it to someone else always makes me feel like I'd just come off as whiny and immature. That makes it a lotttt harder to talk about serious things for me.
Anyway, I didn't start this to write about myself.. much. But I had a pretty rough night and it brought up quite a few issues in my head that I want to discuss.. at least vaguely. Every once in a while something happens that really makes me wonder what kind of person I am and whether or not I even like who I'm becoming. Last night was one of those nights.
This year I was involved in a six-month long distance relationship. And when I say long, I mean across the country. Halfway through there was a huge fiasco with my parents and a cross-country visit that made things a lot more complicated and in the following months I started to think more rationally about the whole thing and I finally realized that I really didn't want to be in the situation I was in anymore. It took me a few weeks to really figure out exactly what I did want and when I had to tell him that, I was terrified of how hurt he'd be. I couldn't even break up with him on the phone, I had to do it through email because 1) I was scared shitless and 2) it was easier for me to write it all out than to say it aloud. I got the results I expected and broke his heart of course, but we've stayed friends and it turns out I'm kind of his entire support system. He's had a lot of tough shit to deal with for quite som time now and last night he told me that the only thing that would really make him give up completely would be something done by me. That was nice to hear. :/
Once he told me that I'm the only person he really talks to about serious things it reminded me of how Vanessa and I used to be, and of how Jessi and I used to be. They both had so many problems to deal with all the time and I always felt so helpless and I hated not knowing how to fix them. It's so hard to be friends with someone who is so far beyond broken that they don't even want to be fixed. I think one of the hardest things we have to do as friends is watch someone we love get hurt over and over and not be able to do a damn thing about it, but its especially hard when you see them at their worst and they look to you to help them up, and sometimes you just can't. It literally terrifies me to have people depend on me like that. That kind of responsibility blows my mind.
That's not to say I don't want my friends to depend on me, because I do. I want to be there for my friends as much as possible because it also gives a lot of meaning to my life to know that people can lean on me for support and look to me when they need cheering up, or just a friendly ear to listen to whatever's going on in their life. To have a good enough connection with someone else that they actually want to tell you when they're not doing alright is a beautiful thing. Beautiful and terrifying.
Second point of discussion. I was reading Georgia Joe's AP blog today and he said something that kind of amazed me because of how much I can relate. Ashley always says that about his blogs and I love reading them because some people just have such an incredible way with words but this was the first time I really felt like I knew exactly what he was talking about. "As each day goes by, I feel a little more alone in this small town. Nearly all connections to my past have been severed, and there is little to no excitement on any visible horizon. There are aspirations and ideas, but there are no dates marked on my calendar."
I haven't seen/spent time with any of my friends in so long. I'm surprised their faces haven't become blurred in my memory by now. Okay, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but still. I miss people. I miss company. Lately, I feel like the internet is my only lasting connection to a lot of people, and it's really the only way I meet new people anymore. And though I do have a few upcoming events on my own calendar, I feel like since I graduated, my life has changed drastically. It hasn't been long enough to determine whether or not that's for better or for worse, but one thing is for sure: I'm glad summer's over and I can move onto the next thing. Hopefully Autumn and school will bring new possibilities.
Possibilities was sort of another thing I started thinking about last night. I've been talking to this guy, Jacob, that I "met" on AP. Last night we talked a little about religion and faith and that sparked a few ideas in my head as well. I mentioned it on AP last night too. I'll just copy and paste it because I don't feel like typing it out more articulately.
"just because faith is such a powerful thing for some people. like to believe that strongly in something you can't even see and that there is no proof for, kind of amazes me. and to always have something to fall back on, an explanation for why things are the way they are something. i dunno. something about it kinda makes me wish i was more into it. when i used to go to youth group i was always jealous of how close everyone else was because of their faith. it's kind of a weird thing to be envious of i guess. hah."
Not exactly quaint but that basically summarizes my thoughts on religion and faith. I was discussing it with Jacob and he said for him it was never something that came easy, and it was still a daily battle, but it's also a choice because it's something he's willing to live. He also said he used to be a total jerk before he became Christian but that still seems hard to imagine. He's super nice. I think maybe I will go to that Anberlin show and see if we can't grab that coffee he mentioned. :) I need to make more friends. Hopefully tomorrow will help with that a little.
Speaking of tomorrow, I should totally be asleep by now. Or at the very least, getting into bed. I wanna wake up at seven and try to be out of here between eight and eight thirty. I'm picking up a frat boy on my way to Bronco Fusion. Oh the many ways people could read terrible things into that statement haha. It's taken me this long just to ask how the hell his name is pronounced but I told him he'll just have to tell me in person so I don't mispronounce it. Anyway. This is becoming a silly rant so I think I'll end it here. I'm not sure anyone reads this blog but it might be kinda nice if they did.
Anyway, I didn't start this to write about myself.. much. But I had a pretty rough night and it brought up quite a few issues in my head that I want to discuss.. at least vaguely. Every once in a while something happens that really makes me wonder what kind of person I am and whether or not I even like who I'm becoming. Last night was one of those nights.
This year I was involved in a six-month long distance relationship. And when I say long, I mean across the country. Halfway through there was a huge fiasco with my parents and a cross-country visit that made things a lot more complicated and in the following months I started to think more rationally about the whole thing and I finally realized that I really didn't want to be in the situation I was in anymore. It took me a few weeks to really figure out exactly what I did want and when I had to tell him that, I was terrified of how hurt he'd be. I couldn't even break up with him on the phone, I had to do it through email because 1) I was scared shitless and 2) it was easier for me to write it all out than to say it aloud. I got the results I expected and broke his heart of course, but we've stayed friends and it turns out I'm kind of his entire support system. He's had a lot of tough shit to deal with for quite som time now and last night he told me that the only thing that would really make him give up completely would be something done by me. That was nice to hear. :/
Once he told me that I'm the only person he really talks to about serious things it reminded me of how Vanessa and I used to be, and of how Jessi and I used to be. They both had so many problems to deal with all the time and I always felt so helpless and I hated not knowing how to fix them. It's so hard to be friends with someone who is so far beyond broken that they don't even want to be fixed. I think one of the hardest things we have to do as friends is watch someone we love get hurt over and over and not be able to do a damn thing about it, but its especially hard when you see them at their worst and they look to you to help them up, and sometimes you just can't. It literally terrifies me to have people depend on me like that. That kind of responsibility blows my mind.
That's not to say I don't want my friends to depend on me, because I do. I want to be there for my friends as much as possible because it also gives a lot of meaning to my life to know that people can lean on me for support and look to me when they need cheering up, or just a friendly ear to listen to whatever's going on in their life. To have a good enough connection with someone else that they actually want to tell you when they're not doing alright is a beautiful thing. Beautiful and terrifying.
Second point of discussion. I was reading Georgia Joe's AP blog today and he said something that kind of amazed me because of how much I can relate. Ashley always says that about his blogs and I love reading them because some people just have such an incredible way with words but this was the first time I really felt like I knew exactly what he was talking about. "As each day goes by, I feel a little more alone in this small town. Nearly all connections to my past have been severed, and there is little to no excitement on any visible horizon. There are aspirations and ideas, but there are no dates marked on my calendar."
I haven't seen/spent time with any of my friends in so long. I'm surprised their faces haven't become blurred in my memory by now. Okay, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but still. I miss people. I miss company. Lately, I feel like the internet is my only lasting connection to a lot of people, and it's really the only way I meet new people anymore. And though I do have a few upcoming events on my own calendar, I feel like since I graduated, my life has changed drastically. It hasn't been long enough to determine whether or not that's for better or for worse, but one thing is for sure: I'm glad summer's over and I can move onto the next thing. Hopefully Autumn and school will bring new possibilities.
Possibilities was sort of another thing I started thinking about last night. I've been talking to this guy, Jacob, that I "met" on AP. Last night we talked a little about religion and faith and that sparked a few ideas in my head as well. I mentioned it on AP last night too. I'll just copy and paste it because I don't feel like typing it out more articulately.
"just because faith is such a powerful thing for some people. like to believe that strongly in something you can't even see and that there is no proof for, kind of amazes me. and to always have something to fall back on, an explanation for why things are the way they are something. i dunno. something about it kinda makes me wish i was more into it. when i used to go to youth group i was always jealous of how close everyone else was because of their faith. it's kind of a weird thing to be envious of i guess. hah."
Not exactly quaint but that basically summarizes my thoughts on religion and faith. I was discussing it with Jacob and he said for him it was never something that came easy, and it was still a daily battle, but it's also a choice because it's something he's willing to live. He also said he used to be a total jerk before he became Christian but that still seems hard to imagine. He's super nice. I think maybe I will go to that Anberlin show and see if we can't grab that coffee he mentioned. :) I need to make more friends. Hopefully tomorrow will help with that a little.
Speaking of tomorrow, I should totally be asleep by now. Or at the very least, getting into bed. I wanna wake up at seven and try to be out of here between eight and eight thirty. I'm picking up a frat boy on my way to Bronco Fusion. Oh the many ways people could read terrible things into that statement haha. It's taken me this long just to ask how the hell his name is pronounced but I told him he'll just have to tell me in person so I don't mispronounce it. Anyway. This is becoming a silly rant so I think I'll end it here. I'm not sure anyone reads this blog but it might be kinda nice if they did.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
and like a child, i've been sleeping in
Put yourself to some use and be happy with what you do,
Cause I am and I got mind, and we've been lost for a long, long time.
Ahhh. I haven't written anything special in quite some time. I want to find my actual journal. I'm way overdue for a physically written entry. I'm terrible about keeping up with those, mainly because online blogs are so much more convenient. Typing is faster, I can figure out how I want to word things more easily.
Anyway, I haven't written or typed anything at all lately, which I suppose is understandable considering how little I've been up to. I feel like I'm wasting my lifeee and I do not like that idea one bit. One of my biggest fears is that later on in my life I'll look back and realize I never really lived, that I never really experienced all the things and opportunities that were available to me and I'll hate myself for it. It's an awful thought and I hate to think that I'm already heading in that direction.
Sidenote - Jesse Shannon's music is still incredible. I finally got the new Jonezetta, thanks to Ashley, and I have to say I'm still biased towards Popularity. The new one isn't bad or anything, it's just a lot less fun and dance-y. I've also been playing the new Valencia CD a lot in order to try to learn a few more of the lyrics but that's going slow haha. Same with We Are the Arsenal. :) Their "Love is a Battlefield" cover is very very win. I highly recommend you go listen.
Back on topic. I'm hoping school will help me feel a little more productive. I'm sure it will. Having a job wouldn't hurt either but at this point, I'd almost rather wait until November like they said I should. I'll look around a little to please my mother but if I have enough money and free time, I'd like to try to visit Ashley towards the end of October. I miss her a lottttt, ahh.
...hours later...
I've been working on my "new" laptop all day. All I really got done was installing the operating system and one program and a game but that's the most computer work I've ever really done so I'm a little proud of myself, not gonna lie. :) I was supposed to also install Mozilla and Paintshop Pro, but the CDs for both programs are a little.. weird. So those can wait until I have more experienced help. I did get some Adobe photo program (sadly not Photoshop) and I messed around with SimCity for awhile too.
Now my neck is dying because of my horrible posture so I'm going to waste a little more of my summer in front of the TV. I can't wait until I start going places again. Ahh. School, a few shows coming uppp. Life will be good. :)
Cause I am and I got mind, and we've been lost for a long, long time.
Ahhh. I haven't written anything special in quite some time. I want to find my actual journal. I'm way overdue for a physically written entry. I'm terrible about keeping up with those, mainly because online blogs are so much more convenient. Typing is faster, I can figure out how I want to word things more easily.
Anyway, I haven't written or typed anything at all lately, which I suppose is understandable considering how little I've been up to. I feel like I'm wasting my lifeee and I do not like that idea one bit. One of my biggest fears is that later on in my life I'll look back and realize I never really lived, that I never really experienced all the things and opportunities that were available to me and I'll hate myself for it. It's an awful thought and I hate to think that I'm already heading in that direction.
Sidenote - Jesse Shannon's music is still incredible. I finally got the new Jonezetta, thanks to Ashley, and I have to say I'm still biased towards Popularity. The new one isn't bad or anything, it's just a lot less fun and dance-y. I've also been playing the new Valencia CD a lot in order to try to learn a few more of the lyrics but that's going slow haha. Same with We Are the Arsenal. :) Their "Love is a Battlefield" cover is very very win. I highly recommend you go listen.
Back on topic. I'm hoping school will help me feel a little more productive. I'm sure it will. Having a job wouldn't hurt either but at this point, I'd almost rather wait until November like they said I should. I'll look around a little to please my mother but if I have enough money and free time, I'd like to try to visit Ashley towards the end of October. I miss her a lottttt, ahh.
...hours later...
I've been working on my "new" laptop all day. All I really got done was installing the operating system and one program and a game but that's the most computer work I've ever really done so I'm a little proud of myself, not gonna lie. :) I was supposed to also install Mozilla and Paintshop Pro, but the CDs for both programs are a little.. weird. So those can wait until I have more experienced help. I did get some Adobe photo program (sadly not Photoshop) and I messed around with SimCity for awhile too.
Now my neck is dying because of my horrible posture so I'm going to waste a little more of my summer in front of the TV. I can't wait until I start going places again. Ahh. School, a few shows coming uppp. Life will be good. :)
Friday, September 12, 2008
Thursday, September 4, 2008
oh my god, i've lost control now.
I honestly have no idea what's going on with my life right now. Not a clue.
This week it kinda feels like everything's falling apart. /Livejournal. But really. I pretty much shattered Justin's heart but some days he seems okay. I pissed Ashley off this week and when we sort of discussed the issue she basically told me I'm a shitty friend and not trustworthy, which is always nice to hear. For a minute there it was looking like I was out of the two people I care about most and that would've left me with very few people to really talk to about anything. Now I'm not sure what's going on or what to expect next. I don't even know if Ashley wants to be friends with me and I wasn't planning on trying to talk to her unless she came to me first but the waiting around and the uncertainty are kind of eating away at me. I'm worried that I fucked up immensely but I honestly never meant to piss her off. I want her to trust me and feel like she can tell me what's going on because I know she's got a lot to deal with right now. It hurts to know she doesn't trust me with a lot of stuff but I don't know how to prove to her that she can when I already know she thinks she can't. Apparently she feels like she's the only one trying to keep us in touch which I really don't understand. I hate that all of this is going on. I'm so used to us never or rarely fighting that when it does happen I have no idea how to react to it. I would really hate to lose her as a friend but I don't know what to do next. We've been friends for what? Twelve years now? It just seems silly to throw that away.
I really don't know. I am so sick of summer. What a waste.
This week it kinda feels like everything's falling apart. /Livejournal. But really. I pretty much shattered Justin's heart but some days he seems okay. I pissed Ashley off this week and when we sort of discussed the issue she basically told me I'm a shitty friend and not trustworthy, which is always nice to hear. For a minute there it was looking like I was out of the two people I care about most and that would've left me with very few people to really talk to about anything. Now I'm not sure what's going on or what to expect next. I don't even know if Ashley wants to be friends with me and I wasn't planning on trying to talk to her unless she came to me first but the waiting around and the uncertainty are kind of eating away at me. I'm worried that I fucked up immensely but I honestly never meant to piss her off. I want her to trust me and feel like she can tell me what's going on because I know she's got a lot to deal with right now. It hurts to know she doesn't trust me with a lot of stuff but I don't know how to prove to her that she can when I already know she thinks she can't. Apparently she feels like she's the only one trying to keep us in touch which I really don't understand. I hate that all of this is going on. I'm so used to us never or rarely fighting that when it does happen I have no idea how to react to it. I would really hate to lose her as a friend but I don't know what to do next. We've been friends for what? Twelve years now? It just seems silly to throw that away.
I really don't know. I am so sick of summer. What a waste.
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