be my savior, and i'll be your downfall.

When I started using this blog I decided that my livejournal would be more for personal rants and this would be more about more thoughtful/important issues, with more "sophisticated" writing, for lack of a better description. It's easier for me to talk about my feelings and things of that nature online, in blogs and such, than in person. Whenever I think about something that's upsetting me, the idea of explaining it to someone else always makes me feel like I'd just come off as whiny and immature. That makes it a lotttt harder to talk about serious things for me.

Anyway, I didn't start this to write about myself.. much. But I had a pretty rough night and it brought up quite a few issues in my head that I want to discuss.. at least vaguely. Every once in a while something happens that really makes me wonder what kind of person I am and whether or not I even like who I'm becoming. Last night was one of those nights.

This year I was involved in a six-month long distance relationship. And when I say long, I mean across the country. Halfway through there was a huge fiasco with my parents and a cross-country visit that made things a lot more complicated and in the following months I started to think more rationally about the whole thing and I finally realized that I really didn't want to be in the situation I was in anymore. It took me a few weeks to really figure out exactly what I did want and when I had to tell him that, I was terrified of how hurt he'd be. I couldn't even break up with him on the phone, I had to do it through email because 1) I was scared shitless and 2) it was easier for me to write it all out than to say it aloud. I got the results I expected and broke his heart of course, but we've stayed friends and it turns out I'm kind of his entire support system. He's had a lot of tough shit to deal with for quite som time now and last night he told me that the only thing that would really make him give up completely would be something done by me. That was nice to hear. :/

Once he told me that I'm the only person he really talks to about serious things it reminded me of how Vanessa and I used to be, and of how Jessi and I used to be. They both had so many problems to deal with all the time and I always felt so helpless and I hated not knowing how to fix them. It's so hard to be friends with someone who is so far beyond broken that they don't even want to be fixed. I think one of the hardest things we have to do as friends is watch someone we love get hurt over and over and not be able to do a damn thing about it, but its especially hard when you see them at their worst and they look to you to help them up, and sometimes you just can't. It literally terrifies me to have people depend on me like that. That kind of responsibility blows my mind.

That's not to say I don't want my friends to depend on me, because I do. I want to be there for my friends as much as possible because it also gives a lot of meaning to my life to know that people can lean on me for support and look to me when they need cheering up, or just a friendly ear to listen to whatever's going on in their life. To have a good enough connection with someone else that they actually want to tell you when they're not doing alright is a beautiful thing. Beautiful and terrifying.

Second point of discussion. I was reading Georgia Joe's AP blog today and he said something that kind of amazed me because of how much I can relate. Ashley always says that about his blogs and I love reading them because some people just have such an incredible way with words but this was the first time I really felt like I knew exactly what he was talking about. "As each day goes by, I feel a little more alone in this small town. Nearly all connections to my past have been severed, and there is little to no excitement on any visible horizon. There are aspirations and ideas, but there are no dates marked on my calendar."

I haven't seen/spent time with any of my friends in so long. I'm surprised their faces haven't become blurred in my memory by now. Okay, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but still. I miss people. I miss company. Lately, I feel like the internet is my only lasting connection to a lot of people, and it's really the only way I meet new people anymore. And though I do have a few upcoming events on my own calendar, I feel like since I graduated, my life has changed drastically. It hasn't been long enough to determine whether or not that's for better or for worse, but one thing is for sure: I'm glad summer's over and I can move onto the next thing. Hopefully Autumn and school will bring new possibilities.

Possibilities was sort of another thing I started thinking about last night. I've been talking to this guy, Jacob, that I "met" on AP. Last night we talked a little about religion and faith and that sparked a few ideas in my head as well. I mentioned it on AP last night too. I'll just copy and paste it because I don't feel like typing it out more articulately.

"just because faith is such a powerful thing for some people. like to believe that strongly in something you can't even see and that there is no proof for, kind of amazes me. and to always have something to fall back on, an explanation for why things are the way they are something. i dunno. something about it kinda makes me wish i was more into it. when i used to go to youth group i was always jealous of how close everyone else was because of their faith. it's kind of a weird thing to be envious of i guess. hah."

Not exactly quaint but that basically summarizes my thoughts on religion and faith. I was discussing it with Jacob and he said for him it was never something that came easy, and it was still a daily battle, but it's also a choice because it's something he's willing to live. He also said he used to be a total jerk before he became Christian but that still seems hard to imagine. He's super nice. I think maybe I will go to that Anberlin show and see if we can't grab that coffee he mentioned. :) I need to make more friends. Hopefully tomorrow will help with that a little.

Speaking of tomorrow, I should totally be asleep by now. Or at the very least, getting into bed. I wanna wake up at seven and try to be out of here between eight and eight thirty. I'm picking up a frat boy on my way to Bronco Fusion. Oh the many ways people could read terrible things into that statement haha. It's taken me this long just to ask how the hell his name is pronounced but I told him he'll just have to tell me in person so I don't mispronounce it. Anyway. This is becoming a silly rant so I think I'll end it here. I'm not sure anyone reads this blog but it might be kinda nice if they did.