It's really difficult for me not to start blogs with the words "so." I seem to do it every single time for whatever reason. Anyway, it's been 2009 for three weeks now and it's actually starting to feel like things are finally changing a little bit, maybe. Nothing too drastic, so far, but that's okay by me.
I started my new classes for the quarter. I'm taking Communication Theory, Study of Women and Men in Society, Intro to Philosophy, and History of Western Art. The subjects are all fairly interesting; it's just taking me a while to get back into the idea of being at school all day twice a week. It still sucks quite a bit. (but God didn't wanna be, God didn't wanna be such an asshole.) Time for some Modest Mouse.
ANYway. Still looking for jobs, but it seems like maybe some places are finally hiring. I applied at Super Target the other week and I'm turning in a Kohl's application tomorrow. I've applied at a ton of places in Moreno Valley already, but I'll probably just have to head out a little further and find some more because I really need a damn job. Badly. Having money to put away every so often would be nice though, that's for sure. I obviously don't want to live with my parents forever, thankful as I am for all that they're doing for me. I'd like to retain a little of my sanity, please. :)
Winter break (Ashley's mostly) has been a lot of fun. Having friends come back from school makes for a lot of sweet hangs. I saw Danny a few times and I've been staying at Ashley's every so often. We went to Disneyland with Jason yesterday and that was a lot of fun of course. I <3 Disney so much, they were sort of constantly making fun of me for geeking out all day. All in good fun though.
First kiss of 2009 counts as another new thing I suppose, unexpected and strange as it was. Not that I'm complaining. I figure I already overanalyzed it enough after it happened, so I'm just gonna stop trying to figure out what it meant (probably nothing) and not worry so much. If it happens again so be it, and if not, that's okay too. I just don't want things to be awkward because I have few enough friends to see from time to time as it is.
As for today, I'm sitting in the library at school again because my first two classes got canceled so now I have free time until one PM. I've got my first quiz in Gender Studies to take in a few, and my first Art test on Tuesday. I think my books finally arrived this week too, so I can catch up on Philosophy stuff. I'll have to remember to take that quiz tomorrow as well. Wish me luck.
Happy 2009. Happy new President this week (side note: How cool is it that the first election I got to vote in ended up being quite literally a truly memorable historical event? Right on). Happy Thursday. Have a great weekend, a great month, a great year, and may anything else that comes your way be just as great as all of the above. :)
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Saturday, January 3, 2009
so this is the new year
and I don't feel any different.
I'm watching Saved! in my room right now and I know everyone says it every year, but New Years feels kinda the same way birthdays do. You know that time has passed, but nothing really feels any different. You've got a new age, a new year to write down, but that kinda seems like the biggest difference. Time is weird. Age is weird. I went to the grocery store with my mom last night and there was this old lady there shopping for herself with one of those automated/electric wheelchair things with a shopping cart attached. She went through each aisle really slowly and was there just as long or longer than we were, even though she was shopping for much less. It made me kind of sad. I almost wanted to help her out but I would have felt awkward or worried that she might think I was taking pity on her or something, which I guess I kind of was.
It's just a strange concept. I've been alive for nineteen years and almost a month. I know I'm not old or anything, but I feel that way sometimes. Especially at shows lately, especially if I'm there alone. Most of what I listen to is pop punk so I guess that usually reaches out more to younger kids anyway so it makes sense that I would feel relatively old at shows but it's still weird to me. Then again, whenever I'm around new people, I always think they're older than me. Always.
You know what else is weird/kinda sucks? Only slightly related, but I'm not a fan of how much easier it is before you graduate high school to meet new people. You see the same people in the same classes every day of the week and it's just easier to fall into that routine and you totally end up taking it for granted. I've never been good at making friends on my own and it's even harder now. Kinda sucks.
Aaaaaaanyway. This is not a fun post. Thus I'm done with it.
"Scooter? Mary.. this is a vespa."
I'm watching Saved! in my room right now and I know everyone says it every year, but New Years feels kinda the same way birthdays do. You know that time has passed, but nothing really feels any different. You've got a new age, a new year to write down, but that kinda seems like the biggest difference. Time is weird. Age is weird. I went to the grocery store with my mom last night and there was this old lady there shopping for herself with one of those automated/electric wheelchair things with a shopping cart attached. She went through each aisle really slowly and was there just as long or longer than we were, even though she was shopping for much less. It made me kind of sad. I almost wanted to help her out but I would have felt awkward or worried that she might think I was taking pity on her or something, which I guess I kind of was.
It's just a strange concept. I've been alive for nineteen years and almost a month. I know I'm not old or anything, but I feel that way sometimes. Especially at shows lately, especially if I'm there alone. Most of what I listen to is pop punk so I guess that usually reaches out more to younger kids anyway so it makes sense that I would feel relatively old at shows but it's still weird to me. Then again, whenever I'm around new people, I always think they're older than me. Always.
You know what else is weird/kinda sucks? Only slightly related, but I'm not a fan of how much easier it is before you graduate high school to meet new people. You see the same people in the same classes every day of the week and it's just easier to fall into that routine and you totally end up taking it for granted. I've never been good at making friends on my own and it's even harder now. Kinda sucks.
Aaaaaaanyway. This is not a fun post. Thus I'm done with it.
"Scooter? Mary.. this is a vespa."
Monday, December 15, 2008
where were you while we were getting high?
I love the holidays. It's almost impossible not to be in a good mood during the holidays. At least, that's how I feel about them this year. I always get really nostalgic at the end of the year and very reminiscent. I start thinking about everything I've been through in the past year, and the ones before it, and I really get to looking forward to the chance to start over. Last year I must have listened to "A Long December" a thousand times before New Years because I was so ready for 2007 to be over. 2008 has been just as crazy, but maybe not to the point that I'm desperate for it to end hah. I know people say it all the time but it really feels like this year went by faster than any other. So many things happened in my life this year hah. I feel like if I had to pinpoint a single year that brought about the most change in my life, this one might have been it.
High school ended. College began. I had my first legitimate, long-term relationship, as weird as the circumstances of it were. I was in love for the first time, and then suddenly out of it. Fuck, I broke someone's heart this year. That was new. Not something I'm proud of, but it was definitely different. I was always used to going to a different school from Ashley, but this year she moved seven hours away for school. The idea of her being so far away and me moving away from everyone I saw every day at school was terrifying, and for good reason. Being alone almost all the time kinda sucks. Eventually, I got used to it of course, but it's still not my favorite thing.
I turned nineteen this year. Not a very big deal of a birthday, but it's weird not feeling like I can call myself a kid anymore. I feel old most places I go, even though I know I'm not. At Chain last night I imagined myself in fifteen years or whenever I end up having a family and wondering if I'd still be going to shows with my own kids and how much they'd hate me for it hahah. I can't imagine myself ever not being in love with live music.
Anyway. It's the holidays and I'm feeling good, despite how much my life is lacking as of late. (Hello alliteration.) It would be nice to have someone around for the holidays and it would be lovely to have some friends to see more often, but we do the best with what we've got, right? That's the best I can do right now. Hopefully the new year will bring about new things and new changes within me. Happy holidays everyone. :-)
High school ended. College began. I had my first legitimate, long-term relationship, as weird as the circumstances of it were. I was in love for the first time, and then suddenly out of it. Fuck, I broke someone's heart this year. That was new. Not something I'm proud of, but it was definitely different. I was always used to going to a different school from Ashley, but this year she moved seven hours away for school. The idea of her being so far away and me moving away from everyone I saw every day at school was terrifying, and for good reason. Being alone almost all the time kinda sucks. Eventually, I got used to it of course, but it's still not my favorite thing.
I turned nineteen this year. Not a very big deal of a birthday, but it's weird not feeling like I can call myself a kid anymore. I feel old most places I go, even though I know I'm not. At Chain last night I imagined myself in fifteen years or whenever I end up having a family and wondering if I'd still be going to shows with my own kids and how much they'd hate me for it hahah. I can't imagine myself ever not being in love with live music.
Anyway. It's the holidays and I'm feeling good, despite how much my life is lacking as of late. (Hello alliteration.) It would be nice to have someone around for the holidays and it would be lovely to have some friends to see more often, but we do the best with what we've got, right? That's the best I can do right now. Hopefully the new year will bring about new things and new changes within me. Happy holidays everyone. :-)
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
you owe me the best gift i will ever ask for
So dang, it's been a while. Almost a month since I last posted. I never feel like I have anything interesting to write about. Or type about. Although I recently finished out my old journal (contains my life from 05 - 08, good lord) and started up a new one. I already wrote a few pages in there, but that's because I've learned quite a bit of interesting information in the past week or so. I don't think I really feel like getting into that right now though, so we'll move on.
I have almost five hours to kill before my next final starts up. COM 101 was pretty easy, I was kind of expecting that. It only took me twenty minutes for the fifty multiple choice questions. I wish it hadn't started at 7:30 though. Sleeping in on my birthday would've been nice. I woke up at 5am today and froze my ass off the whole way to school and my first final. Then of course it was super warm in there and I was roasting alive hah. I'm glad it was a short test though, anything longer might have put me to sleep. I wanted to check my COM 204 grade too but Professor Mills wasn't even in her office yet. Too early I guess. So then I walked down to the bookstore and bought a bluebook for my CLS 101 final on Thursday. Luckily for me I get to sleep in that day; the final doesn't start until 11:30. :-)
Other life updates - my family is falling apart? I'm not sure if that's really news or not haha. And I'm not sure what the status on any of that is anymore. It's kind of always the same routine of pretending everything's okay until something happens that proves it's really not. And then no one speaks for a week until we all start pretending again. It's a little silly but I guess that's just how we operate in my house.
Other than that, the quarter is almost over. After Thursday, I have a little less than a month off for winter break. I think I'm looking forward to the Salton Sea daytrip more than Christmas or New Years combined. Hahah. I really really want to hang out with Jacob. I'm excited. Plus the Salton Sea is incredible and if we get to the right spot at the right time, it will be a perfect day. No joke. It is so beautiful out there at sunset. Ahh, can't wait. :-)
As for birthday plans, I think my parents are taking me to Outback Steakhouse tonight and Bryan wants to take me out on Thursday. I'm trying to find people to hang out with between my last final and when he gets off work but I'm not having a lot of success in that area. And then hopefully on Friday or this weekend sometime, I think my mom and I might go get massages and/or see a movie at the $2 theater down the street. So it might not be the best/most memorable birthday ever, but it shouldn't be too bad.
I got rudely interrupted by the fire alarm while writing this earlier. Everyone had to leave the library for a good twenty minutes until they figured out that there was no fire (so far as I could tell) and then they let us back inside. And it's freaking cold outside. The high for the day is like 67 hahah. Good news though: there is now a super cute Scott Speedman lookalike sitting down one person away from me. :D And Jonezetta is great.
I don't know what else to write about anymore unless I start complaining about budget cuts and registering for classes so I think I'll quit while I'm ahead and leave it at this. Have a nice December ninth. :-)
I have almost five hours to kill before my next final starts up. COM 101 was pretty easy, I was kind of expecting that. It only took me twenty minutes for the fifty multiple choice questions. I wish it hadn't started at 7:30 though. Sleeping in on my birthday would've been nice. I woke up at 5am today and froze my ass off the whole way to school and my first final. Then of course it was super warm in there and I was roasting alive hah. I'm glad it was a short test though, anything longer might have put me to sleep. I wanted to check my COM 204 grade too but Professor Mills wasn't even in her office yet. Too early I guess. So then I walked down to the bookstore and bought a bluebook for my CLS 101 final on Thursday. Luckily for me I get to sleep in that day; the final doesn't start until 11:30. :-)
Other life updates - my family is falling apart? I'm not sure if that's really news or not haha. And I'm not sure what the status on any of that is anymore. It's kind of always the same routine of pretending everything's okay until something happens that proves it's really not. And then no one speaks for a week until we all start pretending again. It's a little silly but I guess that's just how we operate in my house.
Other than that, the quarter is almost over. After Thursday, I have a little less than a month off for winter break. I think I'm looking forward to the Salton Sea daytrip more than Christmas or New Years combined. Hahah. I really really want to hang out with Jacob. I'm excited. Plus the Salton Sea is incredible and if we get to the right spot at the right time, it will be a perfect day. No joke. It is so beautiful out there at sunset. Ahh, can't wait. :-)
As for birthday plans, I think my parents are taking me to Outback Steakhouse tonight and Bryan wants to take me out on Thursday. I'm trying to find people to hang out with between my last final and when he gets off work but I'm not having a lot of success in that area. And then hopefully on Friday or this weekend sometime, I think my mom and I might go get massages and/or see a movie at the $2 theater down the street. So it might not be the best/most memorable birthday ever, but it shouldn't be too bad.
I got rudely interrupted by the fire alarm while writing this earlier. Everyone had to leave the library for a good twenty minutes until they figured out that there was no fire (so far as I could tell) and then they let us back inside. And it's freaking cold outside. The high for the day is like 67 hahah. Good news though: there is now a super cute Scott Speedman lookalike sitting down one person away from me. :D And Jonezetta is great.
I don't know what else to write about anymore unless I start complaining about budget cuts and registering for classes so I think I'll quit while I'm ahead and leave it at this. Have a nice December ninth. :-)
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
i know i'm not your favorite record
I just had one of those instances where you start crying out of nowhere, completely unprovoked. I've been having a really really shitty week. Or few months. Or life, kinda since graduation you could say.
I refuse to believe that high school was the peak of my life, but everything since then has blown completely. I moved an hour away from the city I've lived in my entire life. Away from the few friends I made in high school, from the best friend I've known since third grade. She moved seven hours away to San Francisco. Since I moved I've gone to a few shows alone, a few with Jason and one or two with my dad. Other than that, I think I've driven back to Tustin twice.Once for Tiller Days and once to hang out with Matt on Halloween. I have no friends here, I have nowhere to go when I want to get out of the house. I sorta know a few people in my classes, but not well enough to hang out with really. I rely on the internet as a connection to my peers rather than actually talking to them. I have more friends on AP than I do in real life anymore. I can't get a job to save my life and my mom often refuses to see that I'm even trying to.
I'm just starting to feel really fucking worthless and pathetic and I'm not enjoying any part of my life anymore. I'm excited for Ashley to come back down to SoCal and hang out for a few days. And a bit for Thanksgiving. It'll be nice to have plans at all for once. I don't even know what I'm doing for my birthday this year.
I hate the way you say my name like it's something secret.
Today I watched a movie called Snow Angels, with Kate Beckinsale and Sam Rockwell anddd Michael Angarano.
Aaaaand part two. Because I never finished this post yesterday.
I'm in a much better mood today. Feeling more hopeful/optimistic. One of the first things I watched today on AP was an AbsolutExclusive of a Relient K Christmas cover. They put it against a super cute animated video and it kinda just made me happy that it's almost the holiday season, even if I don't exactly have someone to spend it with. Even when you're alone for the holidays, you pretty much can't help but feel a little cheerful. So I'm gonna try to be more positive and hopeful about changes to come. I mean, what else can I really do?
Plus I just watched my two favorite scenes from Almost Famous, and that always helps too. So I leave you with this quote:
"The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you're uncool."
I refuse to believe that high school was the peak of my life, but everything since then has blown completely. I moved an hour away from the city I've lived in my entire life. Away from the few friends I made in high school, from the best friend I've known since third grade. She moved seven hours away to San Francisco. Since I moved I've gone to a few shows alone, a few with Jason and one or two with my dad. Other than that, I think I've driven back to Tustin twice.Once for Tiller Days and once to hang out with Matt on Halloween. I have no friends here, I have nowhere to go when I want to get out of the house. I sorta know a few people in my classes, but not well enough to hang out with really. I rely on the internet as a connection to my peers rather than actually talking to them. I have more friends on AP than I do in real life anymore. I can't get a job to save my life and my mom often refuses to see that I'm even trying to.
I'm just starting to feel really fucking worthless and pathetic and I'm not enjoying any part of my life anymore. I'm excited for Ashley to come back down to SoCal and hang out for a few days. And a bit for Thanksgiving. It'll be nice to have plans at all for once. I don't even know what I'm doing for my birthday this year.
I hate the way you say my name like it's something secret.
Today I watched a movie called Snow Angels, with Kate Beckinsale and Sam Rockwell anddd Michael Angarano.
Aaaaand part two. Because I never finished this post yesterday.
I'm in a much better mood today. Feeling more hopeful/optimistic. One of the first things I watched today on AP was an AbsolutExclusive of a Relient K Christmas cover. They put it against a super cute animated video and it kinda just made me happy that it's almost the holiday season, even if I don't exactly have someone to spend it with. Even when you're alone for the holidays, you pretty much can't help but feel a little cheerful. So I'm gonna try to be more positive and hopeful about changes to come. I mean, what else can I really do?
Plus I just watched my two favorite scenes from Almost Famous, and that always helps too. So I leave you with this quote:
"The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you're uncool."
Friday, November 7, 2008
i am a writer, a writer of fiction
I really really miss having a life. And things to write about. And friends to see and places to go and things to do. I miss those all so much.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
this could be the last day that i hold my breath and stay awake for you
I've yet to begin writing my review of the Valencia/Bayside show that I went to on Wednesday. I emailed the editor in chief of the Poly Post and he agreed to go over my article once I sent it in and now I'm actually scared to write again. How ironic.
It's been so long since I wrote anything of substance though. I'm worried it's going to be horrible. It'll be nice to actually get feedback for once but I'm also nervous as hell about what that feedback will consist of. I was talking to my mom today and she said something like, "the thing about writing is that you have to just keep doing it, no matter what it's about." And I haven't been doing that at all. I mean, sure, I've written a handful of blogs and show blurbs to keep my list up to date, but I haven't written an article since before I graduated! I'm just a little nervous to get back in the habit I guess.
The show was really great though. Valencia is always wonderful. I got a really sweet poster and George gave me a free sticker. He also proceeded to introduce himself even though I've met him at least three times before that hahah. That's okay though, I don't expect them to remember me. Anyway, I guess their record label sent all the CDs to Pomona, NY instead of Pomona, CA so their $5 CDs were not available at the Glasshouse. :( I'm very strongly considering going down to San Diego tomorrow night to see them again. After the day I've had, I think it would be well-deserved and a high point to the weekend.
Other than that all I've been up to is school really. I gave my first speech in COM204. I thought I bombed it because I got so horribly nervous but I actually did well. The punk-looking kid with a Justin Scott-esque voice gave me a nice evaluation and suggested not fidgeting so much with my hands haha. I also had my first Statistics exam on Thursday. I think I finished before anyone else so I left much earlier than I usually do. That was nice. I hope I didn't do too horribly on that either. I think I may have gotten a B, which would be perfectly fine by me.
My TO DO list for tomorrow also consists of doing laundry, heading to the mall to scope out job opportunities, washing out the rest of the kitchen cabinets, and hopefully maybe hearing back from Mr. Kuhse? Since I'm gonna be in San Diego anyway I'd like very much to see him. It's been two whole years since Bamboozle Left. That makes me sad. I really wish I had someone to go to shows with still. :/ I don't mind going alone or anything but it's a lot more fun when you have someone with you.
Mini rant - I hate MoVal. I hate that I moved here and left everything I'm familiar with behind. I hate that the one person I want to be around more than anything is seven hours away and I can't do shit about it. I hate that nothing seems doable because I don't have an income. I hate that my parents seem to want to control every aspect of my life as long as they possibly can. I hate being stuck at home with nothing to do. :( I miss having a life so much.
Done with that. :) Glad I got it out. Now I'm off to sleep I think. Have a good one.
It's been so long since I wrote anything of substance though. I'm worried it's going to be horrible. It'll be nice to actually get feedback for once but I'm also nervous as hell about what that feedback will consist of. I was talking to my mom today and she said something like, "the thing about writing is that you have to just keep doing it, no matter what it's about." And I haven't been doing that at all. I mean, sure, I've written a handful of blogs and show blurbs to keep my list up to date, but I haven't written an article since before I graduated! I'm just a little nervous to get back in the habit I guess.
The show was really great though. Valencia is always wonderful. I got a really sweet poster and George gave me a free sticker. He also proceeded to introduce himself even though I've met him at least three times before that hahah. That's okay though, I don't expect them to remember me. Anyway, I guess their record label sent all the CDs to Pomona, NY instead of Pomona, CA so their $5 CDs were not available at the Glasshouse. :( I'm very strongly considering going down to San Diego tomorrow night to see them again. After the day I've had, I think it would be well-deserved and a high point to the weekend.
Other than that all I've been up to is school really. I gave my first speech in COM204. I thought I bombed it because I got so horribly nervous but I actually did well. The punk-looking kid with a Justin Scott-esque voice gave me a nice evaluation and suggested not fidgeting so much with my hands haha. I also had my first Statistics exam on Thursday. I think I finished before anyone else so I left much earlier than I usually do. That was nice. I hope I didn't do too horribly on that either. I think I may have gotten a B, which would be perfectly fine by me.
My TO DO list for tomorrow also consists of doing laundry, heading to the mall to scope out job opportunities, washing out the rest of the kitchen cabinets, and hopefully maybe hearing back from Mr. Kuhse? Since I'm gonna be in San Diego anyway I'd like very much to see him. It's been two whole years since Bamboozle Left. That makes me sad. I really wish I had someone to go to shows with still. :/ I don't mind going alone or anything but it's a lot more fun when you have someone with you.
Mini rant - I hate MoVal. I hate that I moved here and left everything I'm familiar with behind. I hate that the one person I want to be around more than anything is seven hours away and I can't do shit about it. I hate that nothing seems doable because I don't have an income. I hate that my parents seem to want to control every aspect of my life as long as they possibly can. I hate being stuck at home with nothing to do. :( I miss having a life so much.
Done with that. :) Glad I got it out. Now I'm off to sleep I think. Have a good one.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
and we don't have much room to live
A few days ago I decided I wanted to write a blog about relationships and realism vs. cynicism and now I can't remember why. I'm pretty sure there was some action that took place to make me want to write about these things but I can't figure out what it was for the life of me. Though that could have something to do with the fact that I'm running off of three hours of sleep and am slightly delirious. Maybe I should write this when I'm more awake.
Hold that thought. We'll come back to it.
Today my mom found the box that contained my fancier shoes, my senior yearbook, my current journal and my small collection of make-up. I was stoked, went for the yearbook immediately and spent a good part of the day looking through it. Seeing pictures from all the events and just random days at school made me miss Tustin and Beckman and everything about last year so much. And I can distinctly remember looking at the baby ads and thinking about how weird life is. Every person you know has this entire past full of different friends, different tastes, different memories than the ones you're making now. We are influenced and changed every single day by the things we see around us and every single day we are a little bit different than the day before. That's just crazy to me. In ten years we'll all be so completely different than who we were in high school but I think high school is still a hugely important, defining part of your life. You learn so much more in those four years than just english, math and history. You learn about friendships and betrayal and relationships and experimenting and love and hate and trust and yourself. I kind of really wish I had written a gradtuation speech haha.
Anyway, that was my interesting thought for the day. I was watching The Other Sister and Down to You earlier and they both reminded me again that I wanted to write a blog about relationships. There was a part in Down to You when Julia Stiles comes back from her summer in France and spends the night with Freddie Prince Jr. and all she can think about is the word "married" because one of her friends in France asked her if they were thinking about getting married anytime soon. The way we think of relationships always make me think. I'm pretty sure a lot of my views on the entire topic are the way they are because of my parents. Not that I'm blaming them or anything because I feel like the way I think about relationships and love is a lot more realistic than the way many other people do, even if that makes me somewhat cynical.
But if you really think about it, there's pretty much a set process for love. You meet someone, you date for a while, you get to know each other, maybe fall in love. Eventually you live together, then comes marriage and a baby, and voila! Happily ever after, right? That all sounds kinda silly to me. Especially because of the statistics. How many marriages end in divorce? I don't know the actual numbers but I would hate to become a part of that percentage. I refuse to let it happen. It will take me a long damn time to decide to marry someone because of that fact.
Because of the whole realism/cynicism thing, I'm constantly worried that I'll ruin a relationship by thinking too much. Not that I've had many chances for that because I never really meet people, but I always end up wondering "where is this going?" I have to ask myself what I'm really doing and whether or not it's going to go anywhere. And it's not like I'm trying to find my soulmate or something silly, but if I'm going to date someone, I'd rather have a purpose in doing it than just to have someone to date. As much as I enjoy the company and closeness and affection, I just feel like if you're in a relationship and you think about it realistically and you know it's not going to last forever, how are you supposed to be happy with it now? God, I really do sound like a cynic. But the reality is that most relationships will end, serious or otherwise. Maybe it is more realistic to just have fun with it then, because most of them will end in a break-up, so why not enjoy it while it lasts?
This is turning into some totally non-commital stream of consciousness now and I'm not even sure where I stand in all of this anymore. Maybe that's the point of writing/thinking about anything. To figure out what you really know about it and whether or not you believe in it. Interesting.
Hold that thought. We'll come back to it.
Today my mom found the box that contained my fancier shoes, my senior yearbook, my current journal and my small collection of make-up. I was stoked, went for the yearbook immediately and spent a good part of the day looking through it. Seeing pictures from all the events and just random days at school made me miss Tustin and Beckman and everything about last year so much. And I can distinctly remember looking at the baby ads and thinking about how weird life is. Every person you know has this entire past full of different friends, different tastes, different memories than the ones you're making now. We are influenced and changed every single day by the things we see around us and every single day we are a little bit different than the day before. That's just crazy to me. In ten years we'll all be so completely different than who we were in high school but I think high school is still a hugely important, defining part of your life. You learn so much more in those four years than just english, math and history. You learn about friendships and betrayal and relationships and experimenting and love and hate and trust and yourself. I kind of really wish I had written a gradtuation speech haha.
Anyway, that was my interesting thought for the day. I was watching The Other Sister and Down to You earlier and they both reminded me again that I wanted to write a blog about relationships. There was a part in Down to You when Julia Stiles comes back from her summer in France and spends the night with Freddie Prince Jr. and all she can think about is the word "married" because one of her friends in France asked her if they were thinking about getting married anytime soon. The way we think of relationships always make me think. I'm pretty sure a lot of my views on the entire topic are the way they are because of my parents. Not that I'm blaming them or anything because I feel like the way I think about relationships and love is a lot more realistic than the way many other people do, even if that makes me somewhat cynical.
But if you really think about it, there's pretty much a set process for love. You meet someone, you date for a while, you get to know each other, maybe fall in love. Eventually you live together, then comes marriage and a baby, and voila! Happily ever after, right? That all sounds kinda silly to me. Especially because of the statistics. How many marriages end in divorce? I don't know the actual numbers but I would hate to become a part of that percentage. I refuse to let it happen. It will take me a long damn time to decide to marry someone because of that fact.
Because of the whole realism/cynicism thing, I'm constantly worried that I'll ruin a relationship by thinking too much. Not that I've had many chances for that because I never really meet people, but I always end up wondering "where is this going?" I have to ask myself what I'm really doing and whether or not it's going to go anywhere. And it's not like I'm trying to find my soulmate or something silly, but if I'm going to date someone, I'd rather have a purpose in doing it than just to have someone to date. As much as I enjoy the company and closeness and affection, I just feel like if you're in a relationship and you think about it realistically and you know it's not going to last forever, how are you supposed to be happy with it now? God, I really do sound like a cynic. But the reality is that most relationships will end, serious or otherwise. Maybe it is more realistic to just have fun with it then, because most of them will end in a break-up, so why not enjoy it while it lasts?
This is turning into some totally non-commital stream of consciousness now and I'm not even sure where I stand in all of this anymore. Maybe that's the point of writing/thinking about anything. To figure out what you really know about it and whether or not you believe in it. Interesting.
Friday, October 10, 2008
every chance to leave's another chance i shoulda took
There was a postsecret up once that said something along the lines of "I think my scoliosis is a physical manifestation of how twisted I feel inside." The way I feel today made me think of it. I actually probably have it saved somewhere but I don't want to take the time to find it.
I'm having an awful day so far. I feel horrible. My head has been spinning since I woke up and I think I'm probably dehydrated again but I just feel like utter crap. Tired, weak, shaky, dizzy. Everything at once. On top of that, I'm missing everything about last year so much today. I miss living five minutes from everything I know. I miss Tustin so much lately. I miss Ashley so much. I can't wait to see her next month. I feel like the quality of my life went down like crazy since we moved. I'm not happy here. I hate how hard it's become to stay positive. But that might be partially because I feel like crap today, so everything around me looks shitty too.
I feel as bad physically as I do emotionally. My life hurts. Not a good day.
I'm having an awful day so far. I feel horrible. My head has been spinning since I woke up and I think I'm probably dehydrated again but I just feel like utter crap. Tired, weak, shaky, dizzy. Everything at once. On top of that, I'm missing everything about last year so much today. I miss living five minutes from everything I know. I miss Tustin so much lately. I miss Ashley so much. I can't wait to see her next month. I feel like the quality of my life went down like crazy since we moved. I'm not happy here. I hate how hard it's become to stay positive. But that might be partially because I feel like crap today, so everything around me looks shitty too.
I feel as bad physically as I do emotionally. My life hurts. Not a good day.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
back in school they never taught us what we needed to know
I literally have to make a conscious decision not to start my blogs with the word "so." It's a little bit sad.
Anyway, I figured my first day of college would be a good thing to blog about. It was kind of exhausting, mostly because of all the walking and the hot weather, but not too bad otherwise. I was late for my first class which annoys me endlessly because I was up at five thirty and out of the house by six forty. Class started at eight. Traffic around the school was AWFUL though, and thus, I was fifteen minutes late. I grabbed the last desk and two kids came in after me. The COM101 teacher seems nice though. She reminds me of Mrs. Mintz a little. I think I'm gonna like that class a lot actually. We're basically gonna analyze every aspect of media and how it works and how its audiences are affected, et cetera. Should be fun.
Next I have COM204/Advocacy and Argument. Class got cut short because the teacher didn't have her room key yet, but she handed out the syllabus and a list of topics to choose from, one of which will be the subject of a speech we'll be giving in an upcoming class. I didn't realize it was a public-speaking class. This news terrifies me greatly. From our short time together (about ten minutes), I can only assume that the professor is quite straight-laced and serious. :/ Anyway, since class was cut short, I had almost three hours to kill until my next one. I mostly hung out in the library because I'm a big loner with no friends yet. Sad.
Freshman Experience is actually probably going to be a fun class for me. I had no idea what to expect out of it but it's mostly about getting involved on campus and getting the most out of my college experience, blah blah blah. I made a new friend in the hall before we went in. His name was David and he seemed shy/awkward in the same way that I am so that was kind of funny. I also recognized a few girls from my orientation group in the class so hopefully I'll have a few people to talk to in there. :) I liked the professor for that class too. I think she'll be my favorite.
After that I had another forty five minutes to kill, and thennn on to Statistics with Applications. Doesn't that sound like bundles of fun? Yes. Definitely. The first chapter's homework wasn't so bad actually, but that's because it was the first chapter. As long as I pass, I won't mind too much. Ms./Mrs. Shirley seemed a little silly though. She kept trying to make jokes that weren't all that funny and then proceeded to be the only person laughing. She seems nice enough though.
Sad news: First quarter finals are on my birthday, which by the way is only two months and eleven days away now. Seriously, when the hell did that happen? Eighteen went by way too damn fast. And I have a terrible memory for specifics. I'm worried that when I get old and have a family to tell stories to, I won't have any good ones because I won't remember enough about my life to tell. That's a sad thought.
As of half an hour ago, it's my new friend Jacob's birthday. His friends are jerks and decided to ditch him for a party (who does that?!) but I still hope he has a good one. I made him a pretty neat card today and I'm gonna send it on Monday so hopefully that'll help a little. :)
I need to get a jobbbb. My mom tried to crack down a little about that again. We went to Red Robin on Thursday, after my first day of class, and I brought up the idea of visiting Ashley in the end of October and getting a job in November (when everywhere I applied told me to try again) and she proceeded to ignore my idea and tell me I'm too picky and that she didn't care if I don't want to work with food. :/ I applied at the $2 theater down the street and printed an application for the other main theater at the mall. It's not even that I don't want a job, I do. And it's not like I've never tried because I have. I know I'm picky, but hearing how much everyone hates their own jobs worries me a little. I'd rather have a job that I'll enjoy, or at least one that allows for enjoyable benefits. Bleh. We'll see what happens I guess.
I need to learn how to meet people and make new friends. It's tougher than it sounds. Or maybe I make it sound tougher than it is.
Anyway, I figured my first day of college would be a good thing to blog about. It was kind of exhausting, mostly because of all the walking and the hot weather, but not too bad otherwise. I was late for my first class which annoys me endlessly because I was up at five thirty and out of the house by six forty. Class started at eight. Traffic around the school was AWFUL though, and thus, I was fifteen minutes late. I grabbed the last desk and two kids came in after me. The COM101 teacher seems nice though. She reminds me of Mrs. Mintz a little. I think I'm gonna like that class a lot actually. We're basically gonna analyze every aspect of media and how it works and how its audiences are affected, et cetera. Should be fun.
Next I have COM204/Advocacy and Argument. Class got cut short because the teacher didn't have her room key yet, but she handed out the syllabus and a list of topics to choose from, one of which will be the subject of a speech we'll be giving in an upcoming class. I didn't realize it was a public-speaking class. This news terrifies me greatly. From our short time together (about ten minutes), I can only assume that the professor is quite straight-laced and serious. :/ Anyway, since class was cut short, I had almost three hours to kill until my next one. I mostly hung out in the library because I'm a big loner with no friends yet. Sad.
Freshman Experience is actually probably going to be a fun class for me. I had no idea what to expect out of it but it's mostly about getting involved on campus and getting the most out of my college experience, blah blah blah. I made a new friend in the hall before we went in. His name was David and he seemed shy/awkward in the same way that I am so that was kind of funny. I also recognized a few girls from my orientation group in the class so hopefully I'll have a few people to talk to in there. :) I liked the professor for that class too. I think she'll be my favorite.
After that I had another forty five minutes to kill, and thennn on to Statistics with Applications. Doesn't that sound like bundles of fun? Yes. Definitely. The first chapter's homework wasn't so bad actually, but that's because it was the first chapter. As long as I pass, I won't mind too much. Ms./Mrs. Shirley seemed a little silly though. She kept trying to make jokes that weren't all that funny and then proceeded to be the only person laughing. She seems nice enough though.
Sad news: First quarter finals are on my birthday, which by the way is only two months and eleven days away now. Seriously, when the hell did that happen? Eighteen went by way too damn fast. And I have a terrible memory for specifics. I'm worried that when I get old and have a family to tell stories to, I won't have any good ones because I won't remember enough about my life to tell. That's a sad thought.
As of half an hour ago, it's my new friend Jacob's birthday. His friends are jerks and decided to ditch him for a party (who does that?!) but I still hope he has a good one. I made him a pretty neat card today and I'm gonna send it on Monday so hopefully that'll help a little. :)
I need to get a jobbbb. My mom tried to crack down a little about that again. We went to Red Robin on Thursday, after my first day of class, and I brought up the idea of visiting Ashley in the end of October and getting a job in November (when everywhere I applied told me to try again) and she proceeded to ignore my idea and tell me I'm too picky and that she didn't care if I don't want to work with food. :/ I applied at the $2 theater down the street and printed an application for the other main theater at the mall. It's not even that I don't want a job, I do. And it's not like I've never tried because I have. I know I'm picky, but hearing how much everyone hates their own jobs worries me a little. I'd rather have a job that I'll enjoy, or at least one that allows for enjoyable benefits. Bleh. We'll see what happens I guess.
I need to learn how to meet people and make new friends. It's tougher than it sounds. Or maybe I make it sound tougher than it is.
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