i'm a goddamn piece of work.

We talked today, for the first time in quite a while. I’ve decided not to tell him that I miss him, because if I mess with his head anymore or even chance the possibility of hurting him again, I will hate myself so much. But I did apologize, again, for everything I’d ever put him through. So he called and asked if I was okay. Ha.

We talked a while about random things and then he had to go. Said he’d call me back. Didn’t. Probably better that way. I don’t like not talking to him but I’m terrified that if we keep it up, we’ll just end up the same way we did twice before and I’ll hurt him again just like I did twice before. The repetition is pretty pathetic. It’s so cyclical. I’d love to believe that we can just be friends without falling into the same cycle, but I wouldn’t bet on me.

I drove to LAX tonight to pick up my brother. I hadn’t been since I went to pick HIM up, last year in May. I sat in my car with the engine off, just gripping the wheel and trying not to sob. I miss everything we had so much, up until the part where it wasn’t enough anymore. I was so fucking happy up until he had to leave again. That night at the airport was the single most heartbreaking night of my life thus far. That night is why I hate being at airports now. They overwhelm me.

When I pulled in to park, there was a couple standing by the car opposite me, making out. I wondered who had returned from being away and what the rest of their night would hold, and then I hated them. I envied them and I couldn’t look away. I felt disgusted at myself. Envy is such an ugly trait.

I talked to someone about some of this today. I wish I’d saved the conversation, because some of what he said really helped. I know it’s only been a year and a half, so to think that I’ll never get over it seems dramatic, but I do worry that I’ll never stop missing what we had. Especially because it didn’t end as an effect of some conflict. It only ended because I couldn’t handle not knowing how things would turn out. I couldn’t handle the uncertainty, so I broke his heart.

And now I can’t stop thinking about how something someone else said came completely true. Because he wasn’t the first. A girl I knew said she pitied me once because I was missing out on something by having my first love focused on someone far away. It’s almost funny how right she was, just about the wrong person.

I wish I could turn off my brain sometimes.

all i want for christmas is you

The holidays can be a pretty lonely time.

lord knows i could use a warm kiss instead of a cold goodbye

I am so sore right now, it's actually pretty ridiculous. The last few days have been so busy. I always laugh at the way we prepare to have people over, like it's important to appear to be like neat freaks even if we aren't, and even if our guests probably aren't either, but it really does pay off. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but our house looks damn good right now. I spent hours mopping and hand drying all the tile floors and I can definitely feel it in my legs right now.

I try to make a point of being extra helpful and cooperative around holidays. I also try to make a point of not showing my frustration when I inevitably start to get tired of being helpful and cooperative. I think I held up pretty well today. We only had a few people over, so it wasn't as stressful as it easily could have been, but it was busy enough. I helped a lot with the food preparations and cleaning up after dinner and then just sort of hung out with my uncles and my brother. Having just a few people over was quite nice actually, though I'm definitely looking forward to seeing everyone all at the same time for Christmas. We only see everyone a few times a year, so it's always really good when we do. I wish I saw my family more often.

Anyway. Happy Thanksgiving. I hope everyone had a nice day. I'm thankful for silly holidays that create an excuse to get together with family members you don't see often enough and eat a lot of really delicious food with all the best homemade recipes. :)

"they work until they don't"

Currently stuck in my head: (If You're Wondering if I Want You To) I Want You To" by Weezer. It seems fitting for what I want to write about, so we'll go with that.

So I'm having a conversation with my new friend James about relationships and why good people are single, et cetera et cetera, and it made me want to write about.. all of that. This will probably be a very jumpy blog because I have so many ideas about these subjects running around in my head and I'm not sure just how to order them.

First of all, I feel like it's important to explain this irritating little problem I have. I'm a very shy, introverted kind of person, so I rarely meet people on my own. I've lived in the city I live in for over a year and the only person I've ever met that lives in that city (other than my own neighbors) was someone that a friend of mine was dating. We only met once and I've never spoken to her since. Because I don't know anybody where I live, and because most of the people I do know and know well enough to want to hang out with live too far away to do so, I spend a lot of time at home. I spend a lot of time on the internet. This is good and bad. Because of certain internet sites, I've made friends with people who have literally changed my life. I've become friends with people who have changed the way I think about things and the way I think about myself. I've made friends with people who have become so much more than that to me. For this, I am more grateful than I could ever explain.

But it's also a very problematic habit, because after some time, you become really tired of having friends that you can never hang out with, that you can never hug when they're comforting you or take a walk with when you're bored and just want to get out of the house. It becomes somewhat depressing when you get to the point that you depend on your internet friends for all your social interaction because, as wonderful as they can be, that's not necessarily enough.

In addition to this first issue, I have another! It takes me so little to start liking someone. If you're a nice person, remotely funny, charming in any capacity, blah blah you get the idea, and we start to talk regularly, I'll probably like you. I'm not even kidding. That's literally all it takes. And because so many of the friends that I meet lately are people that live in other locations, you can see why these two problems would not mesh well.

While I have grown to like many people in this fashion, for the last year and a half or so, I've never let myself act on it because both times that I did do anything about it in the past never worked out well. Because of that, and ignoring the fact that I fall for people with ridiculous ease, I tend to think of relationships with a slightly cynical view, only I like to call it being realistic because being a cynic is usually not a good thing. When you think about it logically though, as displeasing as it is to admit, most relationships do not last forever. Most relationships will end in a break-up. If I wanted to be really cynical, I could ask what the point of pursuing relationships at all is when their failure seems so sure, but I don't like that question, so I won't.

I like to think of myself as a realist/cynic, but that really only works in theory. I still love the idea of falling in love and some part of me wants to get married and have a family, but sometimes I wonder if that's just because I've been conditioned by the media to believe in some ideal that might not really exist. Obviously we all know people who have happy families, but many of us know firsthand that not everyone has that picture-perfect situation either. I've heard a few people lately talk about the idea that "true love" is just a fictional, manufactured concept, and that's not really something I'd like to believe, but it's hard to not to consider at the same time.

Relationships are never perfect. If your relationship is perfect, you're probably bored. They almost always end. Very few last forever. If you can make an imperfect relationship last, you've got something to be proud of. I don't believe in the idea of soulmates or love at first sight, but I do believe in fighting for the people you care about, whether they're just friends or something more, because without them, we are so much less. Without our friends, our family, our loved ones, we are so much less than what we could be.

So if you're falling for someone or if you've met someone you think you could fall for, and you're second-guessing whether or not it would be a good idea to.. stop thinking. And fall. I feel like I need to take my own advice and apply it to everything in my life. I think too much and I let it stop me from DOING anything. I over analyze every situation to the point that I can't even take opportunities that probably won't even have a huge impact on my life. Or maybe they would, but I never find out because I'm too afraid to take them. And that's no way to live.

How did I let this happen? Why did I let my life become this way?

just a reminder

"Today I discovered that happiness is not something we find, it's something we create. This is my first step toward recovery."


I love Post Secret, and I think Frank Warren is a genius.

Today, remember to be happy.

take what you want from me, i can't think anymore

This sounds a lot like something I would think or say, but I feel like I'd never be able to write it as eloquently as this. I wish I could write like this. It's not even that complex or anything, but this is the kind of writing I tend to love, the kind that makes you want to read more because it sounds like something you could relate to perfectly. It's not the kind of writing that goes over your head in the first few sentences, and I like that. I feel like I constantly write about the same things and it's all too casual and boring and repetitive. I think I need inspiration. Having things to do and places to go and people to see would probably help immensely. I think I'm going to look around for a job this weekend. It's been a while since I actually went out and physically looked and I'm really hoping I'll be able to at least pick up something seasonal.

All I know is I need a change.

the days will pass you by, don't wait

Songs for today: "Wake Up" by The Arcade Fire and "Don't Wait" by Dashboard Confessional. I'm working on playing both of these within the last few days and I can't stop listening to either of them. The music for both of them is just incredibly emotional and somewhat uplifting I think.

I wish I could just play music all the time. My fingers are finally starting to grow little baby calluses, which excites me greatly. I want to learn so much more. I wish I'd started early.

I have a lot of Shakespeare reading to do today and I've found that reading it out loud helps me stay focused and understand it a lot more easily. Also important to note: the weather outside is perfect for sitting inside and reading as well as listening to music. I'll be playing a lot more Dashboard for the rest of the evening. Fall is finally here. :)

it's a beautiful thing when you love somebody

It's been an interesting weekend. I spent the last few days house-sitting/dog-watching for one of my mom's bookkeeping clients, so basically I got paid to hang out in their house and let the dogs out every few hours to pee. Not a bad deal at all. The dogs I was watching were slightly neurotic and I didn't get a lot of sleep while I was there, but it was a decent weekend nonetheless. Plus, when I got home tonight, my mom was finally home from Arizona too, so that was like an added bonus. She's been helping her mom out after a recent car accident and heart surgery, but it's been weird having her away from home so much.

I'm too tired to focus on writing anything interesting or intelligible right now. In other news, though I'm not generally one to make Album of the Year lists or anything of the sort, if I were to make one, Aim and Ignite by fun. would definitely be high up on it. As would Brand New's Daisy. Oh, and The Dangerous Summer and Relient K's new albums as well. Other than those, I honestly don't remember what else came out this year, which is why I never make these lists.

I keep telling myself I'm going to write more and then whenever I open up a new post, my mind blanks entirely on what to write. I need to take a writing class so bad. I'm absolutely going to look into that next quarter. I also really want to take some introductory music classes. I'm glad that Music Appreciation has turned out to be helpful in some basic music theory as well, because I really want to keep up with my guitar-playing and learn a lot more too. I'd love to take some kind of piano class, either at CPP or maybe the local community college. There are too many amazing musical instruments that I'd love to learn but I think I'll stick with guitar and piano first. :)

i just need someone to love

It feels so weird to be in this house again, and especially to be in it alone. It feels so empty, so wrong. Every turn I take leads me into a different memory of you and I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to handle it without breaking down constantly. But I haven't yet. I guess that's something to be proud of.