day seventeen - they said we burn so bright

People are killing themselves over Michael Jackson's death. For someone to be that disillusioned about how important a complete stranger is to their own life just baffles me. I will openly admit that I read and enjoy celebrity gossip, but I have no problem realizing that I'll probably never meet any of these people and I don't have some glimmering hope of being friends with any of them. I can't even imagine being so strongly attached to someone I've never met, to the point that their death would effect me THAT strongly. People are strange.

Today I watched Baby Mama and it made me realize, once again, that I want to be a mother. Oddly enough, the first thing that made me realize this (I was previously uninterested in being a mother before, or unsure about it) was the final book in the Twilight series, Breaking Dawn. Don't ask. Anyway, I used to be deathly afraid of the a) childbirth and b) raising a child. It's such a crazy responsibility, bringing up another human being. I talked about it with Matt one of the last times we hung out and it literally terrifies me to think of the possibility of shaping another human being's personality. I guess the fear of being a bad parent is probably common anyway, but I don't think I could forgive myself if I turned out to be a bad mother. I really really want to be a mom someday. It seems strange to me that I only figured that out recently, especially when I was almost opposed to it before now. I guess it's good to know where you stand.

Our days were numbered by nights on too many rooftops,
They said we're wasting our lives,
but oh, at least we know that if we die, we lived with passion.
They said we burn so bright, we'd burn this city.

day sixteen - holding on to yourself the best you can

This evening, as I was rolling my bike down the driveway for a short ride around the block, my mother told me I need to "step up the job search." It's so utterly frustrating to keep trying the same places over again when I've been turned away or turned down so many times before. It's hard to keep trying when you've never seen positive results to begin with. Especially when it's something I have no control over. There's not a damn thing I can do to convince someone to hire me or to make it easier for myself to get a job. I don't know what I'm doing wrong so I don't know how to do better.

So that's what I thought about while riding my bike around the block. When I got home I thought I was going to pass out or throw up, probably from dehydration, so I had a cold shower and laid down for a few minutes. I've been trying to work out a tiny bit every day, just as a start. I know you're supposed to eat healthy and work out and do a combination of things, but that can all come later I guess. I've just been doing a few crunches and leg lifts before bed each night. I would like to ride my bike more but it just gets so damn hot out so I usually wait until just before dark when I'm less likely to melt straight onto the asphalt. I really hate living in the desert. I was not meant for warm weather.

I'm listening to my recordings from the Jesse Lacey solo show at the Roxy last year and it's making me so much more excited to see Brand New in a few weeks. I've been listening to The Devil and God a lot lately, and Deja Entendu is pretty much my go-to album when I'm feeling depressed. I should probably listen to that again soon. I'm not generally one to hype bands up, but I really love Brand New to death. No matter how many times I see them (this month will be my fifth time, counting the solo show), it never gets less exciting for me. I literally get giddy at the thought. Last time I saw them, they played a free festival at USC and I brought my friend Spencer who'd never seen them before. That was really fun for me because I knew how excited he was too and it was such a great set and well worth the day-long wait. Seeing the whole band play in a smaller venue is going to be so wonderful.

When I disappear, it is clear I am up to no good.

day fifteen - an early morning thought

I tend to pin my hopes on the possibility of minor events. I tend to pin my happiness on the potential, the upcoming. Knowing that I have something good planned helps me to get through the week, so sometimes I'll be waiting on something good to happen to make the week better. Right now, I'm waiting for a cute boy that I met this week to add me back on Facebook as if that will somehow not only brighten my day, but alleviate my problems. Maybe ameliorate is the right word. It's not like his accepting a friend request will mean anything significant or anything at all, but I keep waiting anxiously for it to happen as if it will.

Why do I do that?

day fourteen

I know I've said it a million times because in the last twenty years, I really have thought my family was on the verge of falling apart on many different occasions, and I know the last few have been seemingly more official.. but I'm pretty sure tonight was it. And maybe it's because there have been so many other times that I thought it was really going to happen, or maybe it's because I don't know how to feel about it yet and nothing else has really happened to make it officially "the end," but I feel oddly calm about it right now. I don't really know what to expect and I'm not sure what's going to happen next, if anything at all, but hopefully I can continue to be okay with it. I almost pride myself on that quality - being able to handle most things calmly and usually being able to stay happy through shitty situations. Maybe now is the time I'll need it most.

day thirteen - on nostalgia

I wasn't sure what to write about tonight, but I found a bunch of pictures from eighth to tenth grade or so on my dad's computer earlier today and a CD with pictures and movies from early high school that Justin Scott had made and they got me all nostalgic. So I suppose that shall be the topic of the day!

I'm so glad cameras exist, and that creative people are always around capturing the moments that turn into memories. I have a terrible memory so it's always really helpful for me to have pictures to look back on later and reminisce about past events. Especially when you consider how drastically things can change over the course of a few years, it seems like pictures are one of the only ways to prove to yourself that things really were the way they once were. It's almost weird for me to see pictures of myself and Ashley and Jessi together, looking happy and friendly of all things.

It's taken me a ridiculously long time to find a way NOT to miss that girl. Of course, we've all changed over the years and become different people to some extent but when I think of all the ways she's changed from someone I once admired and even envied to someone I don't even recognize, it's hard to remember what she was like. It's hard to remember how we were once so close, how I spent almost every weekend at her house and how we would stay up late in her room with the lights off, just talking. Maybe it's not hard to remember, but it's hard to imagine there being a time when it was like that. It's almost inconceivable to think that I would always bring her house-sitting. I remember one night we were upstairs and writing out a list of things to talk about on the phone with Alan before we called him. I remember confiding in her every time I fought with my dad and she would always tell me how much better I deserved and to hang in there because one day, things would be different. I owe her so much and I will always be grateful for the friendship we had, but I know there's no point in missing her anymore because she's not the same person.

I've always said that I missed the way things once were but I knew they could never be the same, though that never stopped me from wishing they could be. I've always defended her or at least kept my mouth shut when others began to think poorly of her. I've always strained to see the girl who was once my best friend somewhere inside of the person she became. I know she's not the same anymore and I finally understand that it's no use missing someone who is no longer around and never will be. I miss the girl I used to know, but I'm done wishing that somehow, magically, she'll show up again.

It's kind of funny how much you can learn from yourself and from your own memories.

day twelve - a day late

I got home late and missed my blog window! I had a really fun day though, so I'm just going to write about that. Kalin's birthday was today and she had an 80s themed skating party. My last minute attempt at an 80s punk outfit didn't turn out that well and apparently I just looked normal, but that's okay. Also, I kind of hate roller skating and ended up being a big party pooper and only going around the rink a few times but I still had fun. I got to see a lot of people I haven't seen since last June and I got to meet some new friends as well. :)

After hanging out at Holiday Skate Center for a good two and a half hours, a bunch of us headed over to Watson's and squeezed into a corner table. That was a lot of fun too. Kalin's boyfriend Brian and his roommate Aaron are hilarious. I pretty much just laughed at them the entire time. After that I hung out at Leanne's house with her, Chase and Justin for a while. We swam and played videogames and whatnot and then later on, Chase and Leanne and I got coffee at the Lost Bean. We ended up at Staci's later on to play with her new puppy and watched some So You Think You Can Dance. It was all pretty low-key, silly stuff but I had a lot of fun. I want to see Leanne more often. I always tell people that I've known her since kindergarten and whatnot, but I really don't know her as well as I'd like to anymore. I'd like to hang out with her more so I told her to let me know when they have more fun stuff planned and hopefully I'll see a lot of those kids again soon.

In other news, I think my mom's gonna let me help out with a bunch of her bookkeeping work this weekend and next week so that should be good. I also should really talk to Jason's girlfriend about applying at her job if they'll still hire me. I know it's extremely unlikely that I'll be able to find a single store in Moreno Valley that's hiring right now. The economy can kiss my ass.

I don't know if I wrote about the show at all, but Takota was amazing. I need to update my showblog. They were absolutely wonderful, though they only played five songs. I only really talked to Grant, but he was as sweet and friendly as he used to be and it was really good catching up. I had a lovely time and they better schedule more shows soon or I'll have to have some words. (Cue dramatic music.) I'm sort of hyper from having a good day so this post is probably going to be annoying and very jumpy. Maybe I'll just end it here hahah.

day eleven - on distance

It's been about a year since we moved from Orange County to Moreno Valley and the only friend who has been to my "new" house so far is Ashley, on the few occasions when I drove her here.

I could just be being paranoid because I happen to be extra emotional right now, but I've felt for some time like I fucked up by not being closer with more people while I still lived in Tustin. That's not to say that my friendship with Ashley isn't fulfilling enough or anything like that, but the fact of the matter is that she lives in San Francisco for the better part of the year now and the only other friend I still see regularly is Jason, whom I really don't hang out with all that often. I rarely see my friends from high school, even the ones who still live forty five minutes away. Hell, I rarely see Leslee and I go to the same school as her.

It's really starting to bother me that no one has bothered to drive the forty five minutes it would take to hang out with me, when every time I've been invited to hang out with anyone since I've moved, I've traveled that distance. Literally any friendly outing I've been to in the last year, any game night or party or even any shows I've gone to, I've driven at least 45 miles for. I drive that far for school, too. I've spent countless hours in my car since moving. Don't get me wrong - I enjoy driving, I really do. But the fact that it's always me doing the driving is really starting to irk me. It kind of depresses me to be honest. But then, when I start to think about it, it's understandable, too. I didn't stay close enough with any of my friends for them to want to hang out regularly. I'm not inseparable from anyone anymore, because all the separations were made long ago.

If there was some kind of mathematical equation to be applied to this situation, I feel like 45 miles multiplied by the number of nights I've gone that distance both ways multiplied by the year that's passed since we moved would be a ridiculously high number.

day ten - cookie monstress

Currently listening to: "The Ivory Tower" by Takota from The Ivory Tower.

I'll probably be back too late tonight to blog on time, so I'm going to do another short post.

My cookies came out almost entirely wonderful. One batch came out burnt, which disappointed me greatly, but the rest look spectacular, as you can see.

I hope Takota enjoys them. :)

day nine - on food and music

Currently listening to: "At the Bottom of Everything" by Bright Eyes from I'm Wide Awake It's Morning.

Tomorrow night, Takota is playing their first show at Chain in I don't even know how long. They haven't been promoting it all that much outside of the confines of their Twitter followers so I'm not entirely sure what to expect in the way of crowd turnout. They're also opening the show, so that could be an influential factor. My parents are going to go for their set and leave, but I'll probably stick around for the whole thing. Or maybe I won't, considering I'm not familiar with any of the other bands' music and I'm probably not going to be feeling very well. We'll see.

I'm excited to see the guys though. It's been far too long and they are sort of the poster band for my love of local music. Takota and Filmspeed/NOGH were definitely contenders for the top spot. I always counted Pistolita in that category too, even though they were from San Diego. Once you throw in Dead Letter Diaries/Eye Alaska, it's a nicely rounded out little list. It's really gratifying once you've seen a small band enough times that they start to recognize you and you can tell that they really appreciate you being at their shows. I think my top two favorite things about live music are being friendly with the bands and the energy you feel in a crowd when everyone is singing along at the same time. That's what makes going to shows worthwhile to me. That's what makes feeling old at nineteen and dealing with all the screaming pre-teen girls worthwhile. Though I suppose enjoying the music I do pretty much sets me up for that, but I don't mind. When the music starts, nothing else matters.

So in order to celebrate Takota's return, I've decided to make cookies from scratch, which I've never done on my own before. I'm going to make them tomorrow and bring them to Chain. I'm almost equally excited for that and the show itself. There are very few meals I can make other than breakfast, but I'm learning slowly. My mom has been having me prepare dinner some nights so it'll be ready when my parents get home and it's kind of fun. I tend to like the preparation part of a meal more than the actual cooking - the chopping and slicing and mixing and whatnot, probably because I like the preciseness of measurements. It's easier to know what you're doing when you can just follow directions. When it comes to knowing that a course is done cooking though, I get a little unsure. I guess, like anything else, I'll get more comfortable with practice.

I need more ideas for what to blog about. Suggestions are welcome. :)

day eight - cheating

Father's day has been a long one, and I'm actually far too tired to write coherently for very long, so I'm gonna leave it at this: I hope you had a good day. Whether you spent it with your father or not, I hope everyone who might be reading this had a nice, relaxing Sunday. Mine was pretty decent for the most part.

day seven - on road trips

I wasn't sure what I wanted to write about today, so I asked my friend Ryan what he would suggest. He came up with road trips and it sounds like a fine idea to me.

The only road trips I've ever really been on thus far have been with my parents. We took one a long time ago to visit some friends in Grass Valley, CA, North East of Sacramento. I forget how old I was, but the trip was over eight hours and I vaguely remember sitting in the backseat of whichever car we had taken and looking for license plates from other states. I still do that while I'm driving. I probably spent most of the trip there sleeping, but I also remember on our way back home, that we stopped in a lot of tourist spots along the coast - Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, Monterey and Carmel-By-the-Sea, Big Sur, Hearst Castle in San Simeon, and Solvang. I'm sure we did a lot more than that, but my memory fails me. It was my first memorable road trip and I know I enjoyed it a lot.

More recently, I believe it was during my Junior year of high school, my mom and I drove from Tustin to San Jose where we saw the Winchester Mystery House and stayed the night in the city. From there we continued North to San Francisco where we stayed a few more days. I think that was my first time in the City by the Bay and I was in love with it instantly. We didn't even explore all that much, though we did drive over the Golden Gate Bridge, walk around Pier 39 and visit the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art. It saddens me that I'm actually having trouble remembering what else we did, but I would've loved to stay longer and see more. We also visited my mom's friend Jenny in Janesville, CA for a few days before continuing onto Yosemite National Park. I really wish we'd stayed there longer, because we only spent part of the day driving through it and it was incredibly beautiful. I'd love to go back again.

The only other pseudo road trips I can remember have been smaller trips, like a day trip with my dad down to San Diego for breakfast with my Grandpa and out to the Salton Sea afterwards to see Slab City and Salvation Mountain (another place I'd love to visit again), and another in which way drove up Highway 395 to visit his old friends in Yerington, Nevada for a few days. The best part of that trip was seeing the sky at night from the middle of nowhere. You could see so many more stars in the sky than anyone ever will from most of Southern California. It was wonderful out there, aside from the heat. I'm sure I'd go crazy living in the practically-barren desert, but it was a beautifully serene place to stay for a few days.

If nothing else, writing this blog has both brought on an extreme bout of nostalgia and strengthened my desire to travel. One of my greatest goals in life is to see the world. I'm not entirely sure how it's going to happen but I feel like I have to find a way. Maybe I'll focus on travel writing instead of entertainment journalism. Maybe someday I'll just disappear to another place and start over, just to try something different. Maybe..

day six - an aesthetic voyager whose home is the road

"I'll paraphrase Thoreau here: Rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness.. Give me truth." - Emile Hirsch in Into the Wild.

If you've ever seen Into the Wild, you know at least a little bit about Christopher Johnson McCandless. A lot of people feel little sympathy towards his tragic story. Many think that he was just a stupid kid trying to prove something. Personally, I feel inspired every time I read about him or watch the movie based on his adventures. I hate that the idea of just leaving your life to travel around the country the way he did is less plausible for women than it is for men. I don't know that I'll ever see the world the way he did, or even the way I would love to, but even if his death was caused by a foolish mistake, I will always feel the deepest respect and admiration for the decisions he made.

"The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. (...) You are wrong if you think Joy amanates only or principally from human relationships. God has placed it all around us. It is in everything and anything we might experience. We just have to have the courage to turn against our habitual lifestyle and engage in unconventional living." - Christopher Johnson McCandless

day five

Sometimes I begin to think I'm developing some sort of social anxiety disorder by letting myself get too comfortable sitting at home all of the time. I've begun to strongly dislike going anywhere alone, to the point where I'll try to justify putting it off and most likely find a way around it. Sometimes I just have to get out of the house and then I just deal with it and go somewhere. I don't know how to talk to people I don't know. Standard small talk with people you have no choice but to talk to is fine - grocery store clerks, cashiers in any retail environment - I'm fine with those. But when it comes to anything I don't actually need to talk to them about, if I actually have to go out of my way to ask them something or start a conversation, that's when it becomes difficult for me.

A few weeks ago at school, I was sitting outside the music building between two classes and listening to a cute boy play acoustic guitar. I sat there and watched him, not very subtly, for a good half hour and I was pretty certain that he saw me too. I didn't bother hiding it because he was really good and I was enjoying it. Eventually, after debating with myself over whether or not I wanted to compliment him, I walked over at the last possible minute before I needed to head to my next class and I told him he played really well and I'd been enjoying listening to his music. Even something as simple as that literally terrified me. I didn't even introduce myself or ask his name, all I said was that I liked his guitar-playing, and that alone had me practically shaking. It's ridiculous and I have no idea where it comes from but I feel like it's gotten much worse since I graduated and moved and started over at a new school. Now that I don't have people to rely on as "back up" or whatever you want to call it, I just don't put myself in situations where I have to talk to people I don't know. I spend a lot of time alone at school.

I can think of about two friends I've made this year. One of them only went to Cal Poly for a quarter and then, when he transferred to UCR and lived ten minutes from me, I only hung out with him twice at shows. I could see myself hanging out with him again but he also lives in San Diego so I don't know how likely that will be. The other is a girl I rarely see who also lives farther away than my school is from me so I probably won't see her again until the Fall quarter starts. I keep telling myself I need to work on making friends, but I've always relied on other people for that. The majority of the friends I've been close with, I met through other people.

I don't know how to change. :/

day four

Four days in and I'm already out of things to write.

How about some upcoming events?

Tuesday June 23rd - Takota's return to Chain + the Audition.
Friday June 26th - Warped Tour with Jason
Saturday June 27th - Andrew's birthday!
Friday July 10th - Ace Enders, Person L, the Dangerous Summer and the Gay Blades all at Chain with a parking lot barbecue before the show.
Saturday July 18th - Brand New at the Troubadour. :D :D :D

Hopefully shortly after that last one Ashley will finally be coming home. I miss her to death. And hopefully by then I will have a job and hopefully I'll be able to get time off and drive her back to San Francisco with her sister and her mom and get to see her apartment and maybe if I have money then we can go exploring and do lots of fun things. :) I'd very much enjoy that.

Since I still haven't been to the mall this week, due to both my laziness and my fear of rejection, I decided to print out the directory of every store at the mall complete with phone numbers and a map. I circled priority stores (I tend to be picky, which is a problem) and I've got 24 to start with, after which I'll start calling the rest. There are plenty of places to try outside of the mall but I'd like to see if I can't find something there. I also still need to call back the stores at Ontario Mills but I'd rather work close to home. That's a more reasonable thing to be picky about than the job itself I think.

I always write about the same things.

day three

Another day almost entirely wasted. Spent the more exciting parts putting together outfits on Polyvore.com, and I've made six sets so far.

I've had this tab open for almost an hour and I keep distracting myself reading about Kristen Stewart hahah. I joined this fan community for her on Livejournal and anytime Paparazzi photos of her show up, they get posted online as well as interviews and stuff. It's all mildly entertaining and whatnot, considering I've developed a fat girl crush on her. I think she's gorgeous, though I can admit she's not the best actress. I think her awkward persona tends to come through in everything she does, but maybe that's what's sort of endearing about her. I don't know, I just like her.

Completely unrelated, but I wanted to type out something from a book I've had since I was in elementary school. It's called Out of the Dust by Karen Hesse and it used to be one of my favorite books, though it's a bit depressing. Learning about the Dust Bowl in my US History class made me think of it, and there has always been one chapter that stood out in my memory. It's called "The Accident."

I got
burned
bad.

Daddy
put a pail of kerosene
next to the stove
and Ma,
fixing breakfast,
thinking the pail was
filled with water,
lifted it,
to make Daddy's coffee,
poured it,
but instead of making coffee,
Ma made a rope of fire.
It rose up from the stove
to the pail
and the kerosene burst into flames.

Ma ran across the kitchen,
out the porch door,
screaming for Dadd.
I tore after her,
then,
thinking of the burning pail,
left behind in the bone-dry kitchen,
I flew back and grabbed it,
throwing it out the door.

I didn't know.
I didn't know Ma was coming back.

The flaming oil
splashed onto her apron,
and Ma,
suddenly Ma,
was a column of fire.
I pushed her to the ground,
desperate to save her,
desperate to save the baby, I
tried,
beating out the flames with my hands.
I did the best I could.
But it was no good.
Ma
got
burned
bad.

July 1934

Sorry to drag it all out like that, but it's written that way. Apparently that's what you call a verse novel, where the whole thing is told through poetry instead of prose. I kinda wanna read the book again now after remembering that part of it. I remember that the mother dies in childbirth, and the younger brother shortly afterward. I remember that the father ends up drinking a lot and the main character, the girl, Billie Jo (they had wanted a boy the first time around as well), plays piano until the accident happens, because her hands get burned and she can't play anymore. That's all I remember though.

I have a habit of re-reading old books when I have the time to read, instead of finding new ones. I'd like to read a lot more but I never feel like I have the time. At least not during the school year. Summer should be good for that though. I want to start re-reading From the Corner of His Eye when I turn off my laptop tonight, because Michael reminded me how much I used to enjoy that book. Dean Koontz tends to write the same kind of story in every book but I've always loved this one.

Staying up late to read seems like a much more worthwhile way to spend the night.

day two

Summertime and the livin's easy? I only finished classes last Thursday and I'm already out of stuff to do. Definitely need to find a job ASAP. I think I'll head to the mall tomorrow and pick up a bunch of applications, fill 'em out in the food court and take them all back. Should probably also call the three places I applied at in the Ontario Mills mall last Friday as well.

I'm really hoping that with Summer classes canceled, I'll have a little more luck in my pursuit. Having no experience has been an issue so far but I dunno. It's hard to be optimistic but I just need something to get my foot in the door. Jason's friend Amanda said I could probably get a job at her work so I might take her up on that too.

Other things to look forward to: Takota's return to Chain, hopefully Warped with Jason, the Ace Enders barbecue party and show with the Gay Blades, Person L and the Dangerous Summer. I'd really really like to go see Fun, Limbeck and Hellogoodbye at Chain too but I dunno if I'll have money to buy tickets. I hate asking for extra money from my parents. (job job job)

I've yet to be productive today so I think I'll at least try to get some laundry done. Maybe go for a short bike ride. I need to do SOMETHING.

365 day blog - day one

So I'm thinking I might have to steal the whole 365 days blog idea from everyone who's already done it before me, just to make myself write. Michael put the idea in my head again after reading his blog the other day. Maybe we'll call this day one.

It's summer now. I finished the quarter from hell, probably with really poor grades. Definitely not with grades I can be proud of, that's for sure. Summer quarter got canceled because of budget cuts so now I REALLY need to find a job, as if it wasn't stressed enough before. I really hate money.

I'm gonna be vain and annoying for two seconds and wish that I had myself a boy. A nice, respectable boy who doesn't mind an affectionate girl, because that's how I roll. The end.

I've been playing more guitar lately. I think, to me, that's either the most interesting or most important (or both) part of this entry.

when i'm with you, there's no point in breathing

It's been a year since I said goodbye to you. I'm still sorry for the way everything turned out. I wish it had worked out differently. I wish it had started out differently, perhaps in the ways we both knew would've made everything easier. I'm still terrified that I may have ruined one of the best things I've ever had and possibly ever will. I'm worried I threw away my best chance at something people search for their entire lives, something that was given to me under difficult circumstances. Under circumstanced that I didn't have the means to change and still don't. I wish the circumstances had been different but I'm afraid that I'm missing out on what could've been. I don't know how it could have turned out any other way though. I know it's pointless to regret, but I do sometimes. Sometimes I wish none of it had happened. Sometimes I wish I had never explained what was going on and I wonder how things would be now had I not done so. Mostly I try not to think about what could have been because it hurts to think that I might have thrown away my one chance. I got lucky and it didn't work out and I'm afraid that'll be the only chance I get. I hope I'm wrong.