day thirteen - on nostalgia

I wasn't sure what to write about tonight, but I found a bunch of pictures from eighth to tenth grade or so on my dad's computer earlier today and a CD with pictures and movies from early high school that Justin Scott had made and they got me all nostalgic. So I suppose that shall be the topic of the day!

I'm so glad cameras exist, and that creative people are always around capturing the moments that turn into memories. I have a terrible memory so it's always really helpful for me to have pictures to look back on later and reminisce about past events. Especially when you consider how drastically things can change over the course of a few years, it seems like pictures are one of the only ways to prove to yourself that things really were the way they once were. It's almost weird for me to see pictures of myself and Ashley and Jessi together, looking happy and friendly of all things.

It's taken me a ridiculously long time to find a way NOT to miss that girl. Of course, we've all changed over the years and become different people to some extent but when I think of all the ways she's changed from someone I once admired and even envied to someone I don't even recognize, it's hard to remember what she was like. It's hard to remember how we were once so close, how I spent almost every weekend at her house and how we would stay up late in her room with the lights off, just talking. Maybe it's not hard to remember, but it's hard to imagine there being a time when it was like that. It's almost inconceivable to think that I would always bring her house-sitting. I remember one night we were upstairs and writing out a list of things to talk about on the phone with Alan before we called him. I remember confiding in her every time I fought with my dad and she would always tell me how much better I deserved and to hang in there because one day, things would be different. I owe her so much and I will always be grateful for the friendship we had, but I know there's no point in missing her anymore because she's not the same person.

I've always said that I missed the way things once were but I knew they could never be the same, though that never stopped me from wishing they could be. I've always defended her or at least kept my mouth shut when others began to think poorly of her. I've always strained to see the girl who was once my best friend somewhere inside of the person she became. I know she's not the same anymore and I finally understand that it's no use missing someone who is no longer around and never will be. I miss the girl I used to know, but I'm done wishing that somehow, magically, she'll show up again.

It's kind of funny how much you can learn from yourself and from your own memories.