day sixteen - holding on to yourself the best you can

This evening, as I was rolling my bike down the driveway for a short ride around the block, my mother told me I need to "step up the job search." It's so utterly frustrating to keep trying the same places over again when I've been turned away or turned down so many times before. It's hard to keep trying when you've never seen positive results to begin with. Especially when it's something I have no control over. There's not a damn thing I can do to convince someone to hire me or to make it easier for myself to get a job. I don't know what I'm doing wrong so I don't know how to do better.

So that's what I thought about while riding my bike around the block. When I got home I thought I was going to pass out or throw up, probably from dehydration, so I had a cold shower and laid down for a few minutes. I've been trying to work out a tiny bit every day, just as a start. I know you're supposed to eat healthy and work out and do a combination of things, but that can all come later I guess. I've just been doing a few crunches and leg lifts before bed each night. I would like to ride my bike more but it just gets so damn hot out so I usually wait until just before dark when I'm less likely to melt straight onto the asphalt. I really hate living in the desert. I was not meant for warm weather.

I'm listening to my recordings from the Jesse Lacey solo show at the Roxy last year and it's making me so much more excited to see Brand New in a few weeks. I've been listening to The Devil and God a lot lately, and Deja Entendu is pretty much my go-to album when I'm feeling depressed. I should probably listen to that again soon. I'm not generally one to hype bands up, but I really love Brand New to death. No matter how many times I see them (this month will be my fifth time, counting the solo show), it never gets less exciting for me. I literally get giddy at the thought. Last time I saw them, they played a free festival at USC and I brought my friend Spencer who'd never seen them before. That was really fun for me because I knew how excited he was too and it was such a great set and well worth the day-long wait. Seeing the whole band play in a smaller venue is going to be so wonderful.

When I disappear, it is clear I am up to no good.