where were you while we were getting high?

I love the holidays. It's almost impossible not to be in a good mood during the holidays. At least, that's how I feel about them this year. I always get really nostalgic at the end of the year and very reminiscent. I start thinking about everything I've been through in the past year, and the ones before it, and I really get to looking forward to the chance to start over. Last year I must have listened to "A Long December" a thousand times before New Years because I was so ready for 2007 to be over. 2008 has been just as crazy, but maybe not to the point that I'm desperate for it to end hah. I know people say it all the time but it really feels like this year went by faster than any other. So many things happened in my life this year hah. I feel like if I had to pinpoint a single year that brought about the most change in my life, this one might have been it.

High school ended. College began. I had my first legitimate, long-term relationship, as weird as the circumstances of it were. I was in love for the first time, and then suddenly out of it. Fuck, I broke someone's heart this year. That was new. Not something I'm proud of, but it was definitely different. I was always used to going to a different school from Ashley, but this year she moved seven hours away for school. The idea of her being so far away and me moving away from everyone I saw every day at school was terrifying, and for good reason. Being alone almost all the time kinda sucks. Eventually, I got used to it of course, but it's still not my favorite thing.

I turned nineteen this year. Not a very big deal of a birthday, but it's weird not feeling like I can call myself a kid anymore. I feel old most places I go, even though I know I'm not. At Chain last night I imagined myself in fifteen years or whenever I end up having a family and wondering if I'd still be going to shows with my own kids and how much they'd hate me for it hahah. I can't imagine myself ever not being in love with live music.

Anyway. It's the holidays and I'm feeling good, despite how much my life is lacking as of late. (Hello alliteration.) It would be nice to have someone around for the holidays and it would be lovely to have some friends to see more often, but we do the best with what we've got, right? That's the best I can do right now. Hopefully the new year will bring about new things and new changes within me. Happy holidays everyone. :-)

you owe me the best gift i will ever ask for

So dang, it's been a while. Almost a month since I last posted. I never feel like I have anything interesting to write about. Or type about. Although I recently finished out my old journal (contains my life from 05 - 08, good lord) and started up a new one. I already wrote a few pages in there, but that's because I've learned quite a bit of interesting information in the past week or so. I don't think I really feel like getting into that right now though, so we'll move on.

I have almost five hours to kill before my next final starts up. COM 101 was pretty easy, I was kind of expecting that. It only took me twenty minutes for the fifty multiple choice questions. I wish it hadn't started at 7:30 though. Sleeping in on my birthday would've been nice. I woke up at 5am today and froze my ass off the whole way to school and my first final. Then of course it was super warm in there and I was roasting alive hah. I'm glad it was a short test though, anything longer might have put me to sleep. I wanted to check my COM 204 grade too but Professor Mills wasn't even in her office yet. Too early I guess. So then I walked down to the bookstore and bought a bluebook for my CLS 101 final on Thursday. Luckily for me I get to sleep in that day; the final doesn't start until 11:30. :-)

Other life updates - my family is falling apart? I'm not sure if that's really news or not haha. And I'm not sure what the status on any of that is anymore. It's kind of always the same routine of pretending everything's okay until something happens that proves it's really not. And then no one speaks for a week until we all start pretending again. It's a little silly but I guess that's just how we operate in my house.

Other than that, the quarter is almost over. After Thursday, I have a little less than a month off for winter break. I think I'm looking forward to the Salton Sea daytrip more than Christmas or New Years combined. Hahah. I really really want to hang out with Jacob. I'm excited. Plus the Salton Sea is incredible and if we get to the right spot at the right time, it will be a perfect day. No joke. It is so beautiful out there at sunset. Ahh, can't wait. :-)

As for birthday plans, I think my parents are taking me to Outback Steakhouse tonight and Bryan wants to take me out on Thursday. I'm trying to find people to hang out with between my last final and when he gets off work but I'm not having a lot of success in that area. And then hopefully on Friday or this weekend sometime, I think my mom and I might go get massages and/or see a movie at the $2 theater down the street. So it might not be the best/most memorable birthday ever, but it shouldn't be too bad.

I got rudely interrupted by the fire alarm while writing this earlier. Everyone had to leave the library for a good twenty minutes until they figured out that there was no fire (so far as I could tell) and then they let us back inside. And it's freaking cold outside. The high for the day is like 67 hahah. Good news though: there is now a super cute Scott Speedman lookalike sitting down one person away from me. :D And Jonezetta is great.

I don't know what else to write about anymore unless I start complaining about budget cuts and registering for classes so I think I'll quit while I'm ahead and leave it at this. Have a nice December ninth. :-)

i know i'm not your favorite record

I just had one of those instances where you start crying out of nowhere, completely unprovoked. I've been having a really really shitty week. Or few months. Or life, kinda since graduation you could say.

I refuse to believe that high school was the peak of my life, but everything since then has blown completely. I moved an hour away from the city I've lived in my entire life. Away from the few friends I made in high school, from the best friend I've known since third grade. She moved seven hours away to San Francisco. Since I moved I've gone to a few shows alone, a few with Jason and one or two with my dad. Other than that, I think I've driven back to Tustin twice.Once for Tiller Days and once to hang out with Matt on Halloween. I have no friends here, I have nowhere to go when I want to get out of the house. I sorta know a few people in my classes, but not well enough to hang out with really. I rely on the internet as a connection to my peers rather than actually talking to them. I have more friends on AP than I do in real life anymore. I can't get a job to save my life and my mom often refuses to see that I'm even trying to.

I'm just starting to feel really fucking worthless and pathetic and I'm not enjoying any part of my life anymore. I'm excited for Ashley to come back down to SoCal and hang out for a few days. And a bit for Thanksgiving. It'll be nice to have plans at all for once. I don't even know what I'm doing for my birthday this year.

I hate the way you say my name like it's something secret.

Today I watched a movie called Snow Angels, with Kate Beckinsale and Sam Rockwell anddd Michael Angarano.

Aaaaand part two. Because I never finished this post yesterday.

I'm in a much better mood today. Feeling more hopeful/optimistic. One of the first things I watched today on AP was an AbsolutExclusive of a Relient K Christmas cover. They put it against a super cute animated video and it kinda just made me happy that it's almost the holiday season, even if I don't exactly have someone to spend it with. Even when you're alone for the holidays, you pretty much can't help but feel a little cheerful. So I'm gonna try to be more positive and hopeful about changes to come. I mean, what else can I really do?

Plus I just watched my two favorite scenes from Almost Famous, and that always helps too. So I leave you with this quote:

"The only true currency in this bankrupt world is what you share with someone else when you're uncool."

i am a writer, a writer of fiction

I really really miss having a life. And things to write about. And friends to see and places to go and things to do. I miss those all so much.

this could be the last day that i hold my breath and stay awake for you

I've yet to begin writing my review of the Valencia/Bayside show that I went to on Wednesday. I emailed the editor in chief of the Poly Post and he agreed to go over my article once I sent it in and now I'm actually scared to write again. How ironic.

It's been so long since I wrote anything of substance though. I'm worried it's going to be horrible. It'll be nice to actually get feedback for once but I'm also nervous as hell about what that feedback will consist of. I was talking to my mom today and she said something like, "the thing about writing is that you have to just keep doing it, no matter what it's about." And I haven't been doing that at all. I mean, sure, I've written a handful of blogs and show blurbs to keep my list up to date, but I haven't written an article since before I graduated! I'm just a little nervous to get back in the habit I guess.

The show was really great though. Valencia is always wonderful. I got a really sweet poster and George gave me a free sticker. He also proceeded to introduce himself even though I've met him at least three times before that hahah. That's okay though, I don't expect them to remember me. Anyway, I guess their record label sent all the CDs to Pomona, NY instead of Pomona, CA so their $5 CDs were not available at the Glasshouse. :( I'm very strongly considering going down to San Diego tomorrow night to see them again. After the day I've had, I think it would be well-deserved and a high point to the weekend.

Other than that all I've been up to is school really. I gave my first speech in COM204. I thought I bombed it because I got so horribly nervous but I actually did well. The punk-looking kid with a Justin Scott-esque voice gave me a nice evaluation and suggested not fidgeting so much with my hands haha. I also had my first Statistics exam on Thursday. I think I finished before anyone else so I left much earlier than I usually do. That was nice. I hope I didn't do too horribly on that either. I think I may have gotten a B, which would be perfectly fine by me.

My TO DO list for tomorrow also consists of doing laundry, heading to the mall to scope out job opportunities, washing out the rest of the kitchen cabinets, and hopefully maybe hearing back from Mr. Kuhse? Since I'm gonna be in San Diego anyway I'd like very much to see him. It's been two whole years since Bamboozle Left. That makes me sad. I really wish I had someone to go to shows with still. :/ I don't mind going alone or anything but it's a lot more fun when you have someone with you.

Mini rant - I hate MoVal. I hate that I moved here and left everything I'm familiar with behind. I hate that the one person I want to be around more than anything is seven hours away and I can't do shit about it. I hate that nothing seems doable because I don't have an income. I hate that my parents seem to want to control every aspect of my life as long as they possibly can. I hate being stuck at home with nothing to do. :( I miss having a life so much.

Done with that. :) Glad I got it out. Now I'm off to sleep I think. Have a good one.

and we don't have much room to live

A few days ago I decided I wanted to write a blog about relationships and realism vs. cynicism and now I can't remember why. I'm pretty sure there was some action that took place to make me want to write about these things but I can't figure out what it was for the life of me. Though that could have something to do with the fact that I'm running off of three hours of sleep and am slightly delirious. Maybe I should write this when I'm more awake.

Hold that thought. We'll come back to it.

Today my mom found the box that contained my fancier shoes, my senior yearbook, my current journal and my small collection of make-up. I was stoked, went for the yearbook immediately and spent a good part of the day looking through it. Seeing pictures from all the events and just random days at school made me miss Tustin and Beckman and everything about last year so much. And I can distinctly remember looking at the baby ads and thinking about how weird life is. Every person you know has this entire past full of different friends, different tastes, different memories than the ones you're making now. We are influenced and changed every single day by the things we see around us and every single day we are a little bit different than the day before. That's just crazy to me. In ten years we'll all be so completely different than who we were in high school but I think high school is still a hugely important, defining part of your life. You learn so much more in those four years than just english, math and history. You learn about friendships and betrayal and relationships and experimenting and love and hate and trust and yourself. I kind of really wish I had written a gradtuation speech haha.

Anyway, that was my interesting thought for the day. I was watching The Other Sister and Down to You earlier and they both reminded me again that I wanted to write a blog about relationships. There was a part in Down to You when Julia Stiles comes back from her summer in France and spends the night with Freddie Prince Jr. and all she can think about is the word "married" because one of her friends in France asked her if they were thinking about getting married anytime soon. The way we think of relationships always make me think. I'm pretty sure a lot of my views on the entire topic are the way they are because of my parents. Not that I'm blaming them or anything because I feel like the way I think about relationships and love is a lot more realistic than the way many other people do, even if that makes me somewhat cynical.

But if you really think about it, there's pretty much a set process for love. You meet someone, you date for a while, you get to know each other, maybe fall in love. Eventually you live together, then comes marriage and a baby, and voila! Happily ever after, right? That all sounds kinda silly to me. Especially because of the statistics. How many marriages end in divorce? I don't know the actual numbers but I would hate to become a part of that percentage. I refuse to let it happen. It will take me a long damn time to decide to marry someone because of that fact.

Because of the whole realism/cynicism thing, I'm constantly worried that I'll ruin a relationship by thinking too much. Not that I've had many chances for that because I never really meet people, but I always end up wondering "where is this going?" I have to ask myself what I'm really doing and whether or not it's going to go anywhere. And it's not like I'm trying to find my soulmate or something silly, but if I'm going to date someone, I'd rather have a purpose in doing it than just to have someone to date. As much as I enjoy the company and closeness and affection, I just feel like if you're in a relationship and you think about it realistically and you know it's not going to last forever, how are you supposed to be happy with it now? God, I really do sound like a cynic. But the reality is that most relationships will end, serious or otherwise. Maybe it is more realistic to just have fun with it then, because most of them will end in a break-up, so why not enjoy it while it lasts?

This is turning into some totally non-commital stream of consciousness now and I'm not even sure where I stand in all of this anymore. Maybe that's the point of writing/thinking about anything. To figure out what you really know about it and whether or not you believe in it. Interesting.

every chance to leave's another chance i shoulda took

There was a postsecret up once that said something along the lines of "I think my scoliosis is a physical manifestation of how twisted I feel inside." The way I feel today made me think of it. I actually probably have it saved somewhere but I don't want to take the time to find it.

I'm having an awful day so far. I feel horrible. My head has been spinning since I woke up and I think I'm probably dehydrated again but I just feel like utter crap. Tired, weak, shaky, dizzy. Everything at once. On top of that, I'm missing everything about last year so much today. I miss living five minutes from everything I know. I miss Tustin so much lately. I miss Ashley so much. I can't wait to see her next month. I feel like the quality of my life went down like crazy since we moved. I'm not happy here. I hate how hard it's become to stay positive. But that might be partially because I feel like crap today, so everything around me looks shitty too.

I feel as bad physically as I do emotionally. My life hurts. Not a good day.

back in school they never taught us what we needed to know

I literally have to make a conscious decision not to start my blogs with the word "so." It's a little bit sad.

Anyway, I figured my first day of college would be a good thing to blog about. It was kind of exhausting, mostly because of all the walking and the hot weather, but not too bad otherwise. I was late for my first class which annoys me endlessly because I was up at five thirty and out of the house by six forty. Class started at eight. Traffic around the school was AWFUL though, and thus, I was fifteen minutes late. I grabbed the last desk and two kids came in after me. The COM101 teacher seems nice though. She reminds me of Mrs. Mintz a little. I think I'm gonna like that class a lot actually. We're basically gonna analyze every aspect of media and how it works and how its audiences are affected, et cetera. Should be fun.

Next I have COM204/Advocacy and Argument. Class got cut short because the teacher didn't have her room key yet, but she handed out the syllabus and a list of topics to choose from, one of which will be the subject of a speech we'll be giving in an upcoming class. I didn't realize it was a public-speaking class. This news terrifies me greatly. From our short time together (about ten minutes), I can only assume that the professor is quite straight-laced and serious. :/ Anyway, since class was cut short, I had almost three hours to kill until my next one. I mostly hung out in the library because I'm a big loner with no friends yet. Sad.

Freshman Experience is actually probably going to be a fun class for me. I had no idea what to expect out of it but it's mostly about getting involved on campus and getting the most out of my college experience, blah blah blah. I made a new friend in the hall before we went in. His name was David and he seemed shy/awkward in the same way that I am so that was kind of funny. I also recognized a few girls from my orientation group in the class so hopefully I'll have a few people to talk to in there. :) I liked the professor for that class too. I think she'll be my favorite.

After that I had another forty five minutes to kill, and thennn on to Statistics with Applications. Doesn't that sound like bundles of fun? Yes. Definitely. The first chapter's homework wasn't so bad actually, but that's because it was the first chapter. As long as I pass, I won't mind too much. Ms./Mrs. Shirley seemed a little silly though. She kept trying to make jokes that weren't all that funny and then proceeded to be the only person laughing. She seems nice enough though.

Sad news: First quarter finals are on my birthday, which by the way is only two months and eleven days away now. Seriously, when the hell did that happen? Eighteen went by way too damn fast. And I have a terrible memory for specifics. I'm worried that when I get old and have a family to tell stories to, I won't have any good ones because I won't remember enough about my life to tell. That's a sad thought.

As of half an hour ago, it's my new friend Jacob's birthday. His friends are jerks and decided to ditch him for a party (who does that?!) but I still hope he has a good one. I made him a pretty neat card today and I'm gonna send it on Monday so hopefully that'll help a little. :)

I need to get a jobbbb. My mom tried to crack down a little about that again. We went to Red Robin on Thursday, after my first day of class, and I brought up the idea of visiting Ashley in the end of October and getting a job in November (when everywhere I applied told me to try again) and she proceeded to ignore my idea and tell me I'm too picky and that she didn't care if I don't want to work with food. :/ I applied at the $2 theater down the street and printed an application for the other main theater at the mall. It's not even that I don't want a job, I do. And it's not like I've never tried because I have. I know I'm picky, but hearing how much everyone hates their own jobs worries me a little. I'd rather have a job that I'll enjoy, or at least one that allows for enjoyable benefits. Bleh. We'll see what happens I guess.

I need to learn how to meet people and make new friends. It's tougher than it sounds. Or maybe I make it sound tougher than it is.

be my savior, and i'll be your downfall.

When I started using this blog I decided that my livejournal would be more for personal rants and this would be more about more thoughtful/important issues, with more "sophisticated" writing, for lack of a better description. It's easier for me to talk about my feelings and things of that nature online, in blogs and such, than in person. Whenever I think about something that's upsetting me, the idea of explaining it to someone else always makes me feel like I'd just come off as whiny and immature. That makes it a lotttt harder to talk about serious things for me.

Anyway, I didn't start this to write about myself.. much. But I had a pretty rough night and it brought up quite a few issues in my head that I want to discuss.. at least vaguely. Every once in a while something happens that really makes me wonder what kind of person I am and whether or not I even like who I'm becoming. Last night was one of those nights.

This year I was involved in a six-month long distance relationship. And when I say long, I mean across the country. Halfway through there was a huge fiasco with my parents and a cross-country visit that made things a lot more complicated and in the following months I started to think more rationally about the whole thing and I finally realized that I really didn't want to be in the situation I was in anymore. It took me a few weeks to really figure out exactly what I did want and when I had to tell him that, I was terrified of how hurt he'd be. I couldn't even break up with him on the phone, I had to do it through email because 1) I was scared shitless and 2) it was easier for me to write it all out than to say it aloud. I got the results I expected and broke his heart of course, but we've stayed friends and it turns out I'm kind of his entire support system. He's had a lot of tough shit to deal with for quite som time now and last night he told me that the only thing that would really make him give up completely would be something done by me. That was nice to hear. :/

Once he told me that I'm the only person he really talks to about serious things it reminded me of how Vanessa and I used to be, and of how Jessi and I used to be. They both had so many problems to deal with all the time and I always felt so helpless and I hated not knowing how to fix them. It's so hard to be friends with someone who is so far beyond broken that they don't even want to be fixed. I think one of the hardest things we have to do as friends is watch someone we love get hurt over and over and not be able to do a damn thing about it, but its especially hard when you see them at their worst and they look to you to help them up, and sometimes you just can't. It literally terrifies me to have people depend on me like that. That kind of responsibility blows my mind.

That's not to say I don't want my friends to depend on me, because I do. I want to be there for my friends as much as possible because it also gives a lot of meaning to my life to know that people can lean on me for support and look to me when they need cheering up, or just a friendly ear to listen to whatever's going on in their life. To have a good enough connection with someone else that they actually want to tell you when they're not doing alright is a beautiful thing. Beautiful and terrifying.

Second point of discussion. I was reading Georgia Joe's AP blog today and he said something that kind of amazed me because of how much I can relate. Ashley always says that about his blogs and I love reading them because some people just have such an incredible way with words but this was the first time I really felt like I knew exactly what he was talking about. "As each day goes by, I feel a little more alone in this small town. Nearly all connections to my past have been severed, and there is little to no excitement on any visible horizon. There are aspirations and ideas, but there are no dates marked on my calendar."

I haven't seen/spent time with any of my friends in so long. I'm surprised their faces haven't become blurred in my memory by now. Okay, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but still. I miss people. I miss company. Lately, I feel like the internet is my only lasting connection to a lot of people, and it's really the only way I meet new people anymore. And though I do have a few upcoming events on my own calendar, I feel like since I graduated, my life has changed drastically. It hasn't been long enough to determine whether or not that's for better or for worse, but one thing is for sure: I'm glad summer's over and I can move onto the next thing. Hopefully Autumn and school will bring new possibilities.

Possibilities was sort of another thing I started thinking about last night. I've been talking to this guy, Jacob, that I "met" on AP. Last night we talked a little about religion and faith and that sparked a few ideas in my head as well. I mentioned it on AP last night too. I'll just copy and paste it because I don't feel like typing it out more articulately.

"just because faith is such a powerful thing for some people. like to believe that strongly in something you can't even see and that there is no proof for, kind of amazes me. and to always have something to fall back on, an explanation for why things are the way they are something. i dunno. something about it kinda makes me wish i was more into it. when i used to go to youth group i was always jealous of how close everyone else was because of their faith. it's kind of a weird thing to be envious of i guess. hah."

Not exactly quaint but that basically summarizes my thoughts on religion and faith. I was discussing it with Jacob and he said for him it was never something that came easy, and it was still a daily battle, but it's also a choice because it's something he's willing to live. He also said he used to be a total jerk before he became Christian but that still seems hard to imagine. He's super nice. I think maybe I will go to that Anberlin show and see if we can't grab that coffee he mentioned. :) I need to make more friends. Hopefully tomorrow will help with that a little.

Speaking of tomorrow, I should totally be asleep by now. Or at the very least, getting into bed. I wanna wake up at seven and try to be out of here between eight and eight thirty. I'm picking up a frat boy on my way to Bronco Fusion. Oh the many ways people could read terrible things into that statement haha. It's taken me this long just to ask how the hell his name is pronounced but I told him he'll just have to tell me in person so I don't mispronounce it. Anyway. This is becoming a silly rant so I think I'll end it here. I'm not sure anyone reads this blog but it might be kinda nice if they did.

and like a child, i've been sleeping in

Put yourself to some use and be happy with what you do,
Cause I am and I got mind, and we've been lost for a long, long time.

Ahhh. I haven't written anything special in quite some time. I want to find my actual journal. I'm way overdue for a physically written entry. I'm terrible about keeping up with those, mainly because online blogs are so much more convenient. Typing is faster, I can figure out how I want to word things more easily.

Anyway, I haven't written or typed anything at all lately, which I suppose is understandable considering how little I've been up to. I feel like I'm wasting my lifeee and I do not like that idea one bit. One of my biggest fears is that later on in my life I'll look back and realize I never really lived, that I never really experienced all the things and opportunities that were available to me and I'll hate myself for it. It's an awful thought and I hate to think that I'm already heading in that direction.

Sidenote - Jesse Shannon's music is still incredible. I finally got the new Jonezetta, thanks to Ashley, and I have to say I'm still biased towards Popularity. The new one isn't bad or anything, it's just a lot less fun and dance-y. I've also been playing the new Valencia CD a lot in order to try to learn a few more of the lyrics but that's going slow haha. Same with We Are the Arsenal. :) Their "Love is a Battlefield" cover is very very win. I highly recommend you go listen.

Back on topic. I'm hoping school will help me feel a little more productive. I'm sure it will. Having a job wouldn't hurt either but at this point, I'd almost rather wait until November like they said I should. I'll look around a little to please my mother but if I have enough money and free time, I'd like to try to visit Ashley towards the end of October. I miss her a lottttt, ahh.

...hours later...
I've been working on my "new" laptop all day. All I really got done was installing the operating system and one program and a game but that's the most computer work I've ever really done so I'm a little proud of myself, not gonna lie. :) I was supposed to also install Mozilla and Paintshop Pro, but the CDs for both programs are a little.. weird. So those can wait until I have more experienced help. I did get some Adobe photo program (sadly not Photoshop) and I messed around with SimCity for awhile too.

Now my neck is dying because of my horrible posture so I'm going to waste a little more of my summer in front of the TV. I can't wait until I start going places again. Ahh. School, a few shows coming uppp. Life will be good. :)

the summer is a bummer if you can't leave

I don't know what to write about anymore.

oh my god, i've lost control now.

I honestly have no idea what's going on with my life right now. Not a clue.

This week it kinda feels like everything's falling apart. /Livejournal. But really. I pretty much shattered Justin's heart but some days he seems okay. I pissed Ashley off this week and when we sort of discussed the issue she basically told me I'm a shitty friend and not trustworthy, which is always nice to hear. For a minute there it was looking like I was out of the two people I care about most and that would've left me with very few people to really talk to about anything. Now I'm not sure what's going on or what to expect next. I don't even know if Ashley wants to be friends with me and I wasn't planning on trying to talk to her unless she came to me first but the waiting around and the uncertainty are kind of eating away at me. I'm worried that I fucked up immensely but I honestly never meant to piss her off. I want her to trust me and feel like she can tell me what's going on because I know she's got a lot to deal with right now. It hurts to know she doesn't trust me with a lot of stuff but I don't know how to prove to her that she can when I already know she thinks she can't. Apparently she feels like she's the only one trying to keep us in touch which I really don't understand. I hate that all of this is going on. I'm so used to us never or rarely fighting that when it does happen I have no idea how to react to it. I would really hate to lose her as a friend but I don't know what to do next. We've been friends for what? Twelve years now? It just seems silly to throw that away.

I really don't know. I am so sick of summer. What a waste.

I have no idea where this leaves me.


3. How many TRUE best friends do you have? one and a half.

help me help myself, baby.

I'm so scared right now. Technically, all I have to do is type in an address and press send but there's so much more to it than that. The consequences are what I'm worried about. I don't ever want to hurt anyone. If I had it my way, the people I love would never hurt. I've told a few people what I've been thinking about lately, but I know that no matter how many people I talk to about this, no one can tell me what to do. No one can tell me if I'm right or wrong in what I'm feeling. I just have to trust myself and believe that what I'm about to do is really what's right for everyone involved.

Fuck, I wish it were as simple as it sounds.

love is just a hoax.

lalalala. Ashley moved to San Francisco this week. It's kind of weird knowing I can't just go back down to Tustin and drive to her house to see her anymore. I wish San Fran were closer hahah. Not only is it an incredible city, but I can tell she's already have a good time in just the first few days. I knew she would. :) I'm excited for her.

I've heard most of the new Valencia now, and it's lovely, of course. I knew it would be. They're so great. I can't wait to see them play the glass house. Takota's playing there again soon, and then so is Anberlin with Scary Kids Scaring Kids at some point. Going to shows alone is somewhat strange. I went to see Chris Conley and Matt Pryor at Chain on Tuesday night and it was my first real show alone, other than Vast Atlantic's stint at the District a while back. It wasn't so bad though, just a little awkward between sets. I figured I'd be doing that a lot this year, but I'm glad I've got a bunch of good first shows alone planned cause that makes it much better. :) haha.

Anyway. The last two days have been less-than-productive. I have a feeling the rest of my summer will be about the same. I gotta start working on getting a job again. I wish it were easier but it's proven to be incredibly difficult. I don't even know where to look here because I don't know where anything is. I walked around the mall one day but not a single store had hiring signs up so I'm thinking it's gonna stay difficult til about the end of summer, at which point I'll have to consider school and it would suck very much to have to accomodate to both school and a first job at the same time. Blah blah, whine whine whine. You get the point.

Something very specific and very important has been weighing heavy on my mind these past few weeks. I don't wanna talk about it in too much detail because a) it's very personal and b) it's not something anyone else can help me with. I have to work it out myself and as terrified as I am to do what I know I should do and what I think is right for me in the long run, I know it needs to be done. I'm fucking scared though. I don't want to hurt anyone and I'm afraid the other person involved is going to hate me. But the thing that needs to be changed really does need to. I don't think the way things are going right now are really right for me. There is far too much uncertainty involved and I don't think I want to handle dealing with that for the next four years of my life, just waiting to see if things work out how I'd like them to right now. I know I could handle it, I never lied about that. I just don't think it's right for me. But how do I tell him that? Afdsakfdsa.

I don't want to think about this anymore.

I would really like it if my parents came back this evening with my laptop in running condition. It's had problems forever and it was supposed to be my graduation present but they never fixed it. Stupid.

I want to visit Ashley. That would be a lot of fun. I want to make new friends but I'm worried that my schedule (only two days a week and not dorming) will make that more difficult. Not to mention the fact that I'm way too shy. Facebook is helping a little though, and I do have a month before I really get to see any of these people anyway. So I have time.

I wish I could finish putting my room together myself. I need to put my shelves up but I don't have the hardware/skills. I also want to put up the bookshelf that attaches to my desk but it needs to be touched up with some white paint and I don't know how it attaches anyway. My parents are gone almost all day every day during the week for work and there's not a whole lot I can do around the house so since we've moved, our progress has come to a dead stop pretty much. It would be nice to finally start unpacking my books and stuff though and have more space in my room.

This is becoming a random rant. Maybe I'll think of something more coherent and important to discuss tomorrow.

all's fair in love and lyrics.

Chandeliers - Ceiling Stars

everybody knows you never slept once this summer
but here we are
two more semesters and two thousand more mistakes
when, all's fair in love and lyrics
shatter the heart you couldn't break

tonight I burn this building
this bedroom, these ceiling stars
and journals we had saved
(you hate them anyway)

I tried to feel for you
but now there's something in the way
all's fair in love and lyrics
shatter the heart you couldn't break

sparks ignite the tiny fire
I'm holding in my hands
brought to my lips with each desire
to carry out my plans

the rise and fall
of lungs inside my chest
are filling out
with all the poison I have left

the wedding bells are fading out
and the year we spent together I would rather forget now
the rise and fall
of lungs inside a chest
are calling out
for the moment that our bodies felt

call it what you like
you can hide the knife away
call it what you like
but the scars are here to stay

the room we knew is coming down
the nights we had are ashes now
back and forth the medics try to
save us from the flames

everybody knows you never slept once this summer
but here we are
two more semesters and two thousand more mistakes
well, all's fair in love and lyrics
shatter the heart you couldn't break

and it's just a little crush

I don't know if it's just me, but I tend to think about what I'm about to write in my head, like I say it in my head first to see how it'll sound and it seems like every time I start a blog, I start it with the word "so." I'm trying to veer away from that a little though, thus you now have a nice little prologue to this blog that's completely irrelevant to what I wanted to write about.

Something happened today that reminded me of a conversation that Ashley, Jason and I were having at Denny's the other night. Music is common topic for all of us I think, and we were talking about having crushes on band members. (Or I guess it would be more accurate to say Jason was making fun of Ashley for having them.) While we were listing her various attractive and musically inclined boys, I started trying to think of band crushes that I have and honestly, it's hard to come up with any. Sure, I could list plenty of band members I find attractive but I also consider thinking someone is cute and having a crush on them to be two different situations entirely. You have to know someone at least a little bit to have a crush on them. I could go out to the grocery store right now and probably find someone I think is cute, but that doesn't mean I have a crush on him, so it's different. You can also think someone that you know is cute but still not have a crush on them. Case in point- I think the guys of NOGH are pretty attractive but I wouldn't say I've ever had crushes on any of them. But then again I've kind of pushed myself away from having crushes since about the ninth grade so maybe that has something to do with it.

Anyway, too many tangential details so far. I need to work on that. But the thing today that made me start thinking about all of this was that the one guy who I know from a band that would almost fall under the band-crush category was telling me he liked my new photos (check them out please) and it made me smile because I had complained that it's always hard to get people to actually look at them and he said he always does. It was cute, and a big part of why he kind of falls into that list has nothing to do with the fact that he's in a band, but more because of what a nice guy he is. He's totally sweet to people he hardly knows (ie me) and I've never seen or heard him be the least bit mean, even about the band he was in that pretty much kicked him out. But anyway. I guess my point is that it's kind of silly to like someone just because they are in a band, or to like a band just because its members are aesthetically pleasing. Which also reminds me of all the screaming children that went to see the Plain White T's/Takota show at the block. I wanted to shoot most of them because maybe two percent of them knew any of the words to Takota's songs and Ashley and I have been seeing them play for years now. (Grumble grumble, no appreciation for good music these days, blah blah.)

I could go on but then this would just turn into a rant about what I just wrote in those parentheses (how the hell do you spell that?) and I'd just rather not.

I think it should be Friday evening right about now. If I could just skip twenty four hours I think I might go for that actually. Living alone (sort of) can be nice for a while but it's getting really old by now. :/

slipping into something more comfortable

I've pretty much tried to make my posts on this blog more thoughtful and at least semi-important regarding the topics, but I feel it's about time for a random bullshit rant.

Today the power went out for a few hours and it was sad how excited I got when it came back on. I was actually kind of enjoying just sitting on the porch with my iPod and a piece of paper, scribbling down lyrics and such, but when I heard the fan turn on inside the door, I practically jumped up. Human dependency on technology is a little ridiculous.

The other night, I think.. Monday night.. OH! I have weekend stories first. So I think I drove out to Tustin around noon on Sunday or so, caught the Plain White T's and Takota show at the block, took some sweet group pictures and said hello to the lovely boys of Takota. Ashley and I hung out with Alex Buster for a bit which was fun. He's pretty cute and a very funny person. After thatttt we went to see Vick and meet his dog Toby. I might have the order of events wrong. Pretty sure I do in fact. Oh well, we hung out with a bunch of cute dogs and saw Justin and Vick for a little bit. Went to Denny's with Jason after that. Yum yum, french toast.

Awkward side note- I was watching The Brave One before I got online and I never changed the channel.. I think some cheesy Cinemax porn is on now. Blehhh.

Anyway, I had a gas station conflict that night too. We pulled into some station and none of the easy-to-approach pumps were open and some bitch hadn't pulled all the way forward so I had to get around in front of her and back up and as soon as I'm done reversing, she honks cause she's done filling up and wants to leave. I'm not a fan of controversy but I wasn't even about to get out of her way when she didn't bother pulling up all the way, so the whole time I filled up my gas she sat there behind me, waiting.. with her engine on. Fucking dumb, but sort of ironic. She was too stubborn to move so she decided she'd rather waste the gas she had just bought. LOLZ to her. And then as soon as I got back in my car, before I had even turned the engine back on, she finally decided to go around. Soooo stupid. Oh well..

So thennnn on Monday I met up with my mom and my brother at the Toyota dealership because my tire was shredded. I thought there was some problem with the alignment but I hadn't actually given it a look and my mom flipped the fuck out. "Blah blah blah, I know you learned stuff in that class! Blah blah, you should've known, you could've had a blow out! Rah rah I'm so mad ARGHHHH." Much along those lines. Anyway, we had Togo's and got new tires at Costco and thennnn I went to the Spectrum with Justin, Vick, Ronda and Carolina. I bought a new Sarah Dessen book at Barnes and Noble, Just Listen. I drove home afterward and stayed up til around five in the morning reading the book. :) I was up so late that the first trash truck came in the morning and reminded me I needed to take out the bins. Whoops.

So anyway. Today the power went out. That was just about the only exciting event. Cinemax pornos are really really dumb, in case you wanted to know. My dad's work picnic is on Friday so I'm going to drive back down to Tustin for that and then stay the night and go to Ashley's Grandma's surprise birthday party thing on Saturday. It's actually supposed to be a big family function but it's also the last time I'm gonna see Ashley before she moves. :( Sad day. After that I'm gonna come home again and thennn go back one more time on Tuesday for a show at Chain and a bike ride either Tuesday or Wednesday I think. Yay! Summer is fun when I'm not stuck at home alone.

I don't know if anyone reads this, or if anyone that does will understand this.. but afternoon meatloaf is still making attempts at talking to me. I thought I was free but alas, I am not. :(

I really need to change the TV channel. This shit is ridiculous. The post title is kind of ironic considering I wrote that out before the program changed. Lulz.

are you username ladiesman217?

Like I said before, I never know what to write about in a blog until my fingers hit the keys. I've been out of town for a few days, or back in town depending on how you want to look at things, and I kind of wish I knew where my journal was and that I'd had it with me. I haven't written anything tangible in a while but I still can't find a lot of things. Such is moving-life. Anyway, I opened the Blogger tab today as well as one for myspace, facebook, AP, my bank account, and surely others. Then I remembered that I wasn't home or with a computer on Sunday to read PostSecret so I immediately opened a tab for that as well, and voila, I had a topic. :)

If you know me well, you've probably heard me talk about how great I think PostSecret is. (not a good word to end a sentence with, but it'll do.) The entire project just blows me away and I'm so glad that Frank Warren thought it up one day and had the courage to tell someone about it and I am so glad that it took off like it did. I'm thankful for every person that has the courage to send in a secret of their own for the rest of us to read and relate to, or just to think about for a few seconds.

I've been saving secrets every week for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I miss a week, but I've got quite a collection going on various hard drives around the house from more than a year's worth of Sunday updates. One of the first secrets I saved was a simple one, without any words, but just a drawing. The card was painted dark grey and had a heart to one side, outlined in gold and filled in with black. It's been posted in many a myspace bulletin and I've showed to a million people, I'm sure. I never really knew what it meant but it has been my favorite card for just about as long as I've known what PostSecret was and it means a lot to me. More so now than it did in the first place, especially since I found out that I knew the person who sent it in.

I was discussing the site and the overall project with a friend one day and we were talking about favorites or something and I showed him the beautifully simplistic card with the heart on it and he confessed that it was his own. He explained what it meant to him when he made it, that it was about how he felt that he always had good intentions, the heart with the golden lining, but it was consistently empty because his intentions were more often than not ill-received. I wish I had saved the conversation so I could remember it better but I'm pretty sure I got the meaning somewhat accurately. Anyway, I'm so thankful for even just knowing that connection that I have, because that's a huge part of what PostSecret is I think. It brings complete strangers together (strangers are just friends waiting to happen, will you be mine?) on a weekly basis and lets each and every person know that they are not alone in whatever they're feeling. Everyone's got a secret, whether they realize it or not, and it's almost a certainty that someone else can relate.

Anyway. That's my fun little rant for the day. :) I strongly urge you to stop by the website (right here) and take a gander. It'll only take a few minutes of your time. And if you're too busy for that, I'll just show you the card that spawned this post in the first place. I hope you all had a lovely weekend (whoever reads this) and I wish you a swell week to come.

hello seattle, i am an albatross.

Alright so I moved on to a new song for repeating all day long..
"Another Bag of Bones" by Kevin Devine is so damn good. He played it live with Jesse Lacey at the Roxy and I saved the lyrics in my phone to look up later. It's a great song. His music in general is pretty incredible.

There was some--

I started to post a second blog yesterday but that was as far as I got. :) I don't even know how that sentence was going to end haha. I'm not sure how the rest of this blog is going to end either cause, like I told Garrett earlier, I never know what I want to write about until I start writing. He suggested Mean Girls which is kind of funny cause my only other idea so far almost relates to that subject anyway. Stick around for a while, cause we're gonna have ourselves a story time folks. Names will be left out for the sake of being polite and so I don't have to feel like a terrible person for talking about people that don't know they're being talked about. Er- written about.

So there's this girl I know. She just turned fourteen last month I believe and has led.. an interesting life, to say the least. From what I can tell, she's the kind of kid whose life you take one look at and instantly feel sorry for. You want to help, to show her what she's doing wrong and explain how much better off she could be, but you know it's not up to you and she probably wouldn't listen anyway. For the most part it seems her life is the way it is due to bad parenting. Her real dad is a bit of a screw up and hasn't been in the picture for quite some time. It seemed like he was trying to get his life back on track lately, keeping a steady job and spending some time with her, but I just heard today that things weren't going as great on his side as it sounded like they were. The real issue though is her mom. This girl's mom is in her thirties but she tries to act more like the girl's best friend than her parent. She treats her more like a doll than her own daughter. Recently I was informed that she would be buying her daughter snakebites for her fourteenth birthday and while I laughed at my own mother for being old-enough to poke fun by saying things like, "Sure, that's what I'll do, mutilate my daughter's face for her birthday," I couldn't help but feel sorry for the girl.

I've heard much more gruesome things about her life than that but I don't want to be too detailed. I just hate to see situations like that where you know she's gonna end up in a place she regrets and wishes she could go back from and start over. We can all hope that she'll end up okay in the long run but situations like this are the kind of thing that make me terrified of having kids. The thought of shaping a person's entire personality and morals and behavior and influencing every aspect of their being just.. scares the shit out of me. That's such a huge responsibility that so many people fuck up horrendously and I'd hate to be another name on that list. If I turned out to be a bad parent, I would hate myself. In my mind, there are two types of parents that people try too hard not to become. Nobody wants to be the mean, strict, bad-guy parent, so they end up going way too easy and their kid turns out to be a crackwhore slut because of it. (Obviously an extreme case hah) Or you fear letting your kids get hurt in any way so you crack down too hard and they hate you for it anyway. I guess the way to go would be to try to combine the two and end up somewhere in the middle but it's gotta be so much more complicated than that. Writing it out like this makes it sound easy almost, but if it were easy, you'd think people would be a lot less fucked up than they are.

This reminds me of a story I read in Rolling Stone the other day, about the kid who started the Nebraska mall shooting last year. It was right before Christmas and he felt like his life had been a complete waste and he'd never be able to get himself back on track so why not kill himself and take a few others with him? His entire life had been lived in foster homes and boys' homes after his parents split up. When he was just a baby his parents were always violent which was probably a major cause of his issues in the first place. It was horrible. And it made me think that no matter how hard you try to be a good parent, even if you can find the medium between too soft and too strict, there's still no guarantee that your kid isn't gonna turn out to be a whack job anyway. And obviously you can't control that and it wouldn't be your fault necessarily but you can't really convince someone of something like that after some kind of massacre.

I don't even know what the hell I'm talking about anymore. This is turning into a crazy ramble but maybe it made some sense so far and I should just quit before I stop making any sense at all. I do wanna say one last thing though, because thinking about parenting and all made me stop and consider my own family, and I think my main complaint, if I try and ignore all the small things that bug the shit out of me, is that even after eighteen years, they still can't seem to trust me to make my own decisions. I know they're looking out for my best interests and all, but shouldn't happiness be in my best interests? And shouldn't I be the best judge of what makes me happy? I kinda just wish they would believe me when I tell them what I want and who I want to be with and support me in those kinds of decisions.

For Mike

So Mike wanted a blog with proper capitalization, and I've got nothing better to do at the moment other than pay for my stupid stupid parking ticket that I got at Freshman Orientation. >:( Not a happy camper about that one. But anyway, since I am a procrastinator and a lazy child, I'd much rather sit here and type about random whatnots than go write a check.

I think if I had iTunes and audioscrobbler hooked up on this computer, Jesse Shannon's cover of "Colorblind" would've already overtaken the most-played song spot, making all five of my top played songs by him. I've literally been playing this track on repeat for a good week now and I haven't even begun to get tired of it. It's such a beautiful song and a wonderful cover too. Having been written by Adam Duritz definitely doesn't hurt either. I love the Counting Crows. I didn't even know about this song until I'd heard Jesse's cover but I guess it wasn't a single or anything. I don't even know why or what it is about his music, but Jesse Shannon is like.. a freaking genius in my mind. I've tried to tell a few people on AP to listen to him but no one's ever been all that enthusiastic about it. I think he's wonderful though. This cover, as well as "I Am and I Got Mine," "Free," "To See You," and "Going Back South" are all ridiculously good songs. He's got a few others that I also listen to somewhat frequently but I'm on the verge of obsession with those first five. He'd probably think I was nuts if he knew how much I listen to his music, haha. Oh well. I enjoy it and that's all that matters. :)

I was actually just talking to my boyfriend about liking music that everyone else hates. I tend to like a lot of bands that people either used to like and moved on from or never liked at all. I'm still a big fan of Fall Out Boy, even if I don't love Infinity On High as much as their earlier records. I can totally dig Riot, even though everyone and their brother seems to hate Paramore with a fiery passion. That shouldn't matter at all, but it seems to some people it does. I love listening to arguments regarding music because, unlike those involved in the actual argument, I know it's not going anywhere. You can argue all you want about whether Deja Entendu is better than Your Favourite Weapon, or whether Brand New is greater than Taking Back Sunday, but in the end it really doesn't matter. Each person obviously has a different opinion, and I don't care how much you know about the technicalities of music, it's still my opinion that Brand New is better. If I wanted to argue for the hell of it, I'd say that Deja is the better album, if only on the basis of which one I like more, because, to be honest, I don't know shit about music. But I know what I like, and that's all I need to know. I couldn't care less if you think I'm wrong because music isn't about right or wrong, and it isn't about which record sells more copies (or it shouldn't be anyway). It's about the way it moves you, how it makes you feel and if the artist can get you to think about something (here I go again with the writing thing), then his or her job is a job well done.

I opened this tab with no idea what I was going to write about. I tend to do that a lot actually. I just felt like spending a few minutes doing something mildly productive. Okay, fine, I just wanted to get out of taking out the trash for a few more minutes, but this was more enjoyable anyway. :)

trying to write.

i need some inspiration. i never know what to write anymore but i figure the only way to get better at writing is to keep doing it. i never really got feedback from journalism but i always liked writing anyway.

i wish i could write like so many people i know. and don't know. i wish i could write blogs like todd, or like georgia joe, or like heychris gutierrez. they all can write in such a way that keeps you reading, it keeps you captivated and you don't wanna stop reading until you've read every word they've ever written. their words make me think, they make me want to change the way i think in general and the way i live. i wish i could write like that, in a way that could inspire people, or in the very least, a way that could make them think, even just for the few minutes they were logged onto my journal until they moved onto the next website.

i want to write blogs that people really enjoy reading, and that they look forward to seeing something new on. whenever i sit down to write an update lately, i don't know what to write. i haven't been up to anything other than sitting around the house and watching tv. i've been watching a lot of great movies lately though, like today is the third time i've watched almost famous this summer. i watched forgest gump again today as well and i saw jarhead yesterday. i know there have been others but those are the freshest in my memory. watching almost famous again is what made me want to try writing again actually. this movie is so great. it pretty much embodies exactly what i want to do with my life. how wonderful would it be to go on tour with a band and live the entire lifestyle just to write an article about them? i think that would be such a great experience.

the other day my dad sent me an email about local clubs and venues and suggested i send them a few of the articles i wrote last year and ask if they were interested in reviews. i'm thinking that might not be a bad idea. first i've gotta get back into writing. i should've written about the jesse lacey show. i could write paaages about that one. i'm still considering that idea as well.

anyway, i just wanted to see how difficult or easy it'd be to write down more than a few lines about anything cause it's been increasingly hard to do lately. i'd say the main cause is the fact that i haven't been really living lately. at least not when i'm at home. i never do anything so maybe that's why i feel like i never have anything to write about. i should work on that.