i'm a goddamn piece of work.

We talked today, for the first time in quite a while. I’ve decided not to tell him that I miss him, because if I mess with his head anymore or even chance the possibility of hurting him again, I will hate myself so much. But I did apologize, again, for everything I’d ever put him through. So he called and asked if I was okay. Ha.

We talked a while about random things and then he had to go. Said he’d call me back. Didn’t. Probably better that way. I don’t like not talking to him but I’m terrified that if we keep it up, we’ll just end up the same way we did twice before and I’ll hurt him again just like I did twice before. The repetition is pretty pathetic. It’s so cyclical. I’d love to believe that we can just be friends without falling into the same cycle, but I wouldn’t bet on me.

I drove to LAX tonight to pick up my brother. I hadn’t been since I went to pick HIM up, last year in May. I sat in my car with the engine off, just gripping the wheel and trying not to sob. I miss everything we had so much, up until the part where it wasn’t enough anymore. I was so fucking happy up until he had to leave again. That night at the airport was the single most heartbreaking night of my life thus far. That night is why I hate being at airports now. They overwhelm me.

When I pulled in to park, there was a couple standing by the car opposite me, making out. I wondered who had returned from being away and what the rest of their night would hold, and then I hated them. I envied them and I couldn’t look away. I felt disgusted at myself. Envy is such an ugly trait.

I talked to someone about some of this today. I wish I’d saved the conversation, because some of what he said really helped. I know it’s only been a year and a half, so to think that I’ll never get over it seems dramatic, but I do worry that I’ll never stop missing what we had. Especially because it didn’t end as an effect of some conflict. It only ended because I couldn’t handle not knowing how things would turn out. I couldn’t handle the uncertainty, so I broke his heart.

And now I can’t stop thinking about how something someone else said came completely true. Because he wasn’t the first. A girl I knew said she pitied me once because I was missing out on something by having my first love focused on someone far away. It’s almost funny how right she was, just about the wrong person.

I wish I could turn off my brain sometimes.

all i want for christmas is you

The holidays can be a pretty lonely time.

lord knows i could use a warm kiss instead of a cold goodbye

I am so sore right now, it's actually pretty ridiculous. The last few days have been so busy. I always laugh at the way we prepare to have people over, like it's important to appear to be like neat freaks even if we aren't, and even if our guests probably aren't either, but it really does pay off. Not to toot my own horn or anything, but our house looks damn good right now. I spent hours mopping and hand drying all the tile floors and I can definitely feel it in my legs right now.

I try to make a point of being extra helpful and cooperative around holidays. I also try to make a point of not showing my frustration when I inevitably start to get tired of being helpful and cooperative. I think I held up pretty well today. We only had a few people over, so it wasn't as stressful as it easily could have been, but it was busy enough. I helped a lot with the food preparations and cleaning up after dinner and then just sort of hung out with my uncles and my brother. Having just a few people over was quite nice actually, though I'm definitely looking forward to seeing everyone all at the same time for Christmas. We only see everyone a few times a year, so it's always really good when we do. I wish I saw my family more often.

Anyway. Happy Thanksgiving. I hope everyone had a nice day. I'm thankful for silly holidays that create an excuse to get together with family members you don't see often enough and eat a lot of really delicious food with all the best homemade recipes. :)

"they work until they don't"

Currently stuck in my head: (If You're Wondering if I Want You To) I Want You To" by Weezer. It seems fitting for what I want to write about, so we'll go with that.

So I'm having a conversation with my new friend James about relationships and why good people are single, et cetera et cetera, and it made me want to write about.. all of that. This will probably be a very jumpy blog because I have so many ideas about these subjects running around in my head and I'm not sure just how to order them.

First of all, I feel like it's important to explain this irritating little problem I have. I'm a very shy, introverted kind of person, so I rarely meet people on my own. I've lived in the city I live in for over a year and the only person I've ever met that lives in that city (other than my own neighbors) was someone that a friend of mine was dating. We only met once and I've never spoken to her since. Because I don't know anybody where I live, and because most of the people I do know and know well enough to want to hang out with live too far away to do so, I spend a lot of time at home. I spend a lot of time on the internet. This is good and bad. Because of certain internet sites, I've made friends with people who have literally changed my life. I've become friends with people who have changed the way I think about things and the way I think about myself. I've made friends with people who have become so much more than that to me. For this, I am more grateful than I could ever explain.

But it's also a very problematic habit, because after some time, you become really tired of having friends that you can never hang out with, that you can never hug when they're comforting you or take a walk with when you're bored and just want to get out of the house. It becomes somewhat depressing when you get to the point that you depend on your internet friends for all your social interaction because, as wonderful as they can be, that's not necessarily enough.

In addition to this first issue, I have another! It takes me so little to start liking someone. If you're a nice person, remotely funny, charming in any capacity, blah blah you get the idea, and we start to talk regularly, I'll probably like you. I'm not even kidding. That's literally all it takes. And because so many of the friends that I meet lately are people that live in other locations, you can see why these two problems would not mesh well.

While I have grown to like many people in this fashion, for the last year and a half or so, I've never let myself act on it because both times that I did do anything about it in the past never worked out well. Because of that, and ignoring the fact that I fall for people with ridiculous ease, I tend to think of relationships with a slightly cynical view, only I like to call it being realistic because being a cynic is usually not a good thing. When you think about it logically though, as displeasing as it is to admit, most relationships do not last forever. Most relationships will end in a break-up. If I wanted to be really cynical, I could ask what the point of pursuing relationships at all is when their failure seems so sure, but I don't like that question, so I won't.

I like to think of myself as a realist/cynic, but that really only works in theory. I still love the idea of falling in love and some part of me wants to get married and have a family, but sometimes I wonder if that's just because I've been conditioned by the media to believe in some ideal that might not really exist. Obviously we all know people who have happy families, but many of us know firsthand that not everyone has that picture-perfect situation either. I've heard a few people lately talk about the idea that "true love" is just a fictional, manufactured concept, and that's not really something I'd like to believe, but it's hard to not to consider at the same time.

Relationships are never perfect. If your relationship is perfect, you're probably bored. They almost always end. Very few last forever. If you can make an imperfect relationship last, you've got something to be proud of. I don't believe in the idea of soulmates or love at first sight, but I do believe in fighting for the people you care about, whether they're just friends or something more, because without them, we are so much less. Without our friends, our family, our loved ones, we are so much less than what we could be.

So if you're falling for someone or if you've met someone you think you could fall for, and you're second-guessing whether or not it would be a good idea to.. stop thinking. And fall. I feel like I need to take my own advice and apply it to everything in my life. I think too much and I let it stop me from DOING anything. I over analyze every situation to the point that I can't even take opportunities that probably won't even have a huge impact on my life. Or maybe they would, but I never find out because I'm too afraid to take them. And that's no way to live.

How did I let this happen? Why did I let my life become this way?

just a reminder

"Today I discovered that happiness is not something we find, it's something we create. This is my first step toward recovery."


I love Post Secret, and I think Frank Warren is a genius.

Today, remember to be happy.

take what you want from me, i can't think anymore

This sounds a lot like something I would think or say, but I feel like I'd never be able to write it as eloquently as this. I wish I could write like this. It's not even that complex or anything, but this is the kind of writing I tend to love, the kind that makes you want to read more because it sounds like something you could relate to perfectly. It's not the kind of writing that goes over your head in the first few sentences, and I like that. I feel like I constantly write about the same things and it's all too casual and boring and repetitive. I think I need inspiration. Having things to do and places to go and people to see would probably help immensely. I think I'm going to look around for a job this weekend. It's been a while since I actually went out and physically looked and I'm really hoping I'll be able to at least pick up something seasonal.

All I know is I need a change.

the days will pass you by, don't wait

Songs for today: "Wake Up" by The Arcade Fire and "Don't Wait" by Dashboard Confessional. I'm working on playing both of these within the last few days and I can't stop listening to either of them. The music for both of them is just incredibly emotional and somewhat uplifting I think.

I wish I could just play music all the time. My fingers are finally starting to grow little baby calluses, which excites me greatly. I want to learn so much more. I wish I'd started early.

I have a lot of Shakespeare reading to do today and I've found that reading it out loud helps me stay focused and understand it a lot more easily. Also important to note: the weather outside is perfect for sitting inside and reading as well as listening to music. I'll be playing a lot more Dashboard for the rest of the evening. Fall is finally here. :)

it's a beautiful thing when you love somebody

It's been an interesting weekend. I spent the last few days house-sitting/dog-watching for one of my mom's bookkeeping clients, so basically I got paid to hang out in their house and let the dogs out every few hours to pee. Not a bad deal at all. The dogs I was watching were slightly neurotic and I didn't get a lot of sleep while I was there, but it was a decent weekend nonetheless. Plus, when I got home tonight, my mom was finally home from Arizona too, so that was like an added bonus. She's been helping her mom out after a recent car accident and heart surgery, but it's been weird having her away from home so much.

I'm too tired to focus on writing anything interesting or intelligible right now. In other news, though I'm not generally one to make Album of the Year lists or anything of the sort, if I were to make one, Aim and Ignite by fun. would definitely be high up on it. As would Brand New's Daisy. Oh, and The Dangerous Summer and Relient K's new albums as well. Other than those, I honestly don't remember what else came out this year, which is why I never make these lists.

I keep telling myself I'm going to write more and then whenever I open up a new post, my mind blanks entirely on what to write. I need to take a writing class so bad. I'm absolutely going to look into that next quarter. I also really want to take some introductory music classes. I'm glad that Music Appreciation has turned out to be helpful in some basic music theory as well, because I really want to keep up with my guitar-playing and learn a lot more too. I'd love to take some kind of piano class, either at CPP or maybe the local community college. There are too many amazing musical instruments that I'd love to learn but I think I'll stick with guitar and piano first. :)

i just need someone to love

It feels so weird to be in this house again, and especially to be in it alone. It feels so empty, so wrong. Every turn I take leads me into a different memory of you and I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to handle it without breaking down constantly. But I haven't yet. I guess that's something to be proud of.

in your eyes, i am complete.

It's been quite some time since I last blogged, or it feels like it has. I think it's only been a few weeks, but I feel like a lot has happened in that time. I can't actually write about all of it because a lot of it is personal information that should not be shared on the internet, so I think I'm going to start writing in my actual journal again. It's been much longer since I updated that than it has since I blogged, and I've always enjoyed physical writing just as much as I have typing.

If nothing else, I can tell anyone reading what I've been up to lately. I stayed at Ashley's house for almost a week and did lots of fun summer things. She had some family visiting so we all went to the beach one day and had a nice little barbecue dinner at her Grandma's house another. She and her cousins and uncle and sister went to Disneyland one day and I spent a lot of time trying to find people to hang out with while she was gone. I helped my mom out at her work, visited my friend Alan at his band's practice space and had TGIFriday's with Jason. Eventually I had to come back home, which wasn't as bad as I had been worried about. I don't know if I mentioned it before, but I re-painted my bathroom recently and we also bought some new fixtures for it like a new mirror, a new cabinet for over the toilet, new lighting, and some smaller things like a towel bar and toilet paper holder. It looks really nice now, almost like a bathroom in a catalog. I'll have to take some updated photos now that it's practically finished.

Right now I'm listening to a mix cd my dad made in 2000, when I was ten years old. It's very nostalgic because it's full of songs that I can remember listening to with him all the time. This is literally the music I grew up on, at least until I started listening to pop instead. Luckily that phase only lasted a few years until I got into 90s alternative bands and more rock. This mix has a lot of really great songs on it though. I left a few out, but this is what I kept in my iTunes:

I would strongly recommend checking out any and all of these songs if you've never heard them. I hope anyone reading is having a great summer and enjoying whatever weather you have. I'm sure I'd trade you in a second. (Sorry the picture came out so blurry.)

i need the smell of summer

I'm starting to worry that summer isn't going to turn out at all like I'd hoped it would. It's been exactly what I expected so far - hot and boring, but I was hoping that after this past weekend it would be wonderful, mostly because Ashley is back. This weekend was supposed to be especially epic, and it was for the most part, but along with epic adventures came some possibly bad news.

It all started Saturday with the world's hottest drive to LA to see Brand New play a sold out show at the Troubadour. You can not even begin to imagine how excited and anxious I was for that show. Waiting two hours outside the venue felt like an eternity. Watching the guys walk by while hardly anyone noticed was hilarious, especially because the people behind us talked about how stupid they felt for the next hour. "We fucked up so bad! I can't believe no one said Hi!" That was highly amusing. Knowing a girl in line from AP got me way close to the stage which was super nice, but the high temperature combined with the crowded room and my weak body led to me feeling sick after the first few songs. I literally thought I was going to pass out or throw up or something. I had to lean on a speaker for a while just to stop being dizzy and eventually I had to head for the bathroom and give up my spot in front of the stage. I enjoyed the rest of the show from the back of the crowd, which was still fine, but I hated that I'd had to move at all, especially during Brand New, especially in a small venue.

After the show was over I almost got lost on my way back to the 101 but eventually made my way to Ashley's house to stay a few nights. Kelvin was there and I hadn't seen him in ages, so it was fun catching up and sitting around in Ashley's room. He left and we stayed up late talking and listening to music until we finally fell asleep. Totally missed the alarm Sunday morning but not by too much. We got semi-lost on our way to CDM but made a cute new friend so that was nice. Ended up being an hour late to the beach but we got to see some old friends and tan a little before heading to a ridiculously nice pool elsewhere. I prefer pools to the ocean for swimming, hands down. No contest. I love the beach, but pools are wonderful.

We also got Chipotle and drove around listening to hip hop for a while. Chuck is hilarious and probably the most friendly and outgoing person I've ever met, next to Vick. He's also way cute and apparently thinks the same of me. :D Later he and Ashley and I went to see I Love You, Man at a three dollar theater before calling it a night. Ashley and I were pretty much exhausted at that point so we grabbed some In n Out and went back to her house.

Sunday we met up with my mom, dropped my car off for standard servicing and went to see Harry Potter. If I'd read the book more recently, I'm sure much of the movie would have annoyed me but I enjoyed it a lot, especially the part when Harry was high on liquid luck. Amazing. We picked my car up after it was over and found out that my axle is getting worn out or something, which could mean less driving for me. I don't know how that's supposed to work out when I go back to school in September, but I really don't want to miss out on as many visits with Ashley as I can fit in while she's here either. That news definitely put a damper on my day but a little frozen yogurt makes for a nice pick-me-up, so all was well. We hung out with Jason for a little while too and then spent almost four hours trying to find something to do for the rest of the night until I had to go home. Somehow, the fifteen or so people we tried to get in touch with must have been really busy (or just ignoring us) on a Monday night of all nights, but we finally heard back from Isaac just before we were ready to give up and head back to Ashley's. Sweet hangs ensued and I drove home around two.

Overall, I'd say the good outweighed the bad this weekend, but I'm also worried that the bad parts will be a foreshadowing for the rest of my summer. I really don't want that to be true.

from the corner of his eye

Anyone who's read enough Dean Koontz books most likely knows that once you've read a few, you've pretty much read them all. He's a great writer and his books are all interesting and easy to follow, but they all follow pretty similar plotlines and his style really doesn't vary all that much from one story to the next. All that aside, From the Corner of His Eye is one of my all time favorite books.

I've read a handful of Koontz's books, none that I can remember all too clearly except for the first one I read, The Door to December, and, of course, From the Corner because I've read it so many times now. I just finished for at least the fourth time, possibly the fifth. It is still somewhat similar to his other books, especially considering the multiple story lines of different characters that all eventually become tied together in some way, showing the interconnectedness of all things, and especially considering the underlying theme of some supernatural powers at work in the universe, but there's something about this book that gets me so involved in the lives of every character each time I read it, and all the similarities between this and his other novels just fade away.

I think two signs of a really good book are 1) not wanting to put it down and 2) taking away some deeper meaning from the story even after you finished reading. The paranormal aspect of this book is really somewhat comforting in some ways, though it's a little bit eerie in some as well. There's a quote I want to type out that may help explain it a little better than I could in my own words.

"Your father is gone from here, gone forever, but he still lives in other worlds. This isn't a statement of faith alone. If Albert Einstein were still alive and standing here, he'd tell you that it's true. Your father is with you in many places, and so is Phimie. In many places, she didn't die in childbirth. In some worlds, she was never raped, her life never blighted. But there's an irony in that, isn't there? Because in those worlds, Angel doesn't exist- yet Angel is a miracle and a blessing. So when you're lying in bed tonight, kept awake by grief, don't think just about what you've lost with your father and Phimie. Think about what you have in this world that you've never known in some others-Angel. Whether God's a Catholic, a Baptist, a Jew, a Muslim, or a quantum mechanic, He gives us compensation for our pain, compensation right here in this world, not just in those parallel to it and not just in some afterlife. Always compensation for the pain... if we recognize it when we see it."

This idea of multiple worlds resulting from every decision we make comes up a lot earlier in the novel in the form of a young boy, Bartholomew Lampion. He turns out to be really smart at a very young age so he tries to explain this idea to his mother a few times throughout the book, but the most clear conversation comes when he's three and they find out his eyes must be removed because of a fast-spreading cancer.

"But what I've been wondering... when you talk about all the ways things are... is there someplace where you don't have this problem with your eyes?"
"Sure. That's how it works with everything. Everything that can happen does happen, and each different way of happening makes a whole new place."

I remember this idea being explored in an episode of an old Disney show, So Weird, once too. In the show, two worlds resulting from a simple decision basically collided and the effects were problematic for the main character because there were two of her running around trying to live the same life. It was essentially the same idea, though - every choice we make results in a separate world, and all these different realities exist together, in the same place and time. Every different possible life goes on at once, and in some of them we are far better or worse off than we are in the life we know now. In some, we are less fortunate and our lives are riddled with trials and tragedies and perhaps in others, we are blessed with every thing we could ever possibly need. In others still, our lives might not be all that different than the ones we know. It's a new and different way of looking at life and knowing that things are never what they seem.

The book in general is really quite compelling and uplifting in many ways. As most books do, it has a happy ending, despite all the death and loss that occurs throughout the story. The bad guy gets what he deserves and good ultimately prevails. Almost all the main characters come together in the end, despite their different lives, and become one big happy family. It's a really nice story, and definitely a book I would recommend to just about anyone.

The only other quote I wanted to bring up actually reminded me of a different post I wrote a few weeks back, after watching Into the Wild again. After his wife dies, another character, Paul Damascus, starts walking up the coast of California, just because. It's slightly reminiscent of Forrest Gump's run across the country, to be honest. Anyway, some of the description reminded me of Christopher McCandless' travels so I thought I'd throw that in, too.

"He traveled prairies and mountains and valleys, passed fields rich in every imaginable crop, crossed great forests and wide rivers. He walked in fierce storms when thunder crushed the sky and lightning tore it, walked in wind that skinned the bare earth and sheared green tresses from trees, and walked also in sun-scrubbed days as blue and clean as ever there had been in Eden."

I want to see the world so badly.

lyrics

"Time Like a Ghost" by Races to April

I'm lying awake and I feel you breathing, asleep and dreaming next to me
We're lost without the formula for comfort we've invested in
As time flies like a ghost, like ribbons of smoke floating weightless and blue
In this room, where there's nothing to remind me of me without you

So put your hands where I can see
Something doesn't feel right, like you're feeding me a line
Cause I swear I've heard this somewhere before
I'll swallow every word between your lips
But if you're just lying through your teeth,
Maybe you're right and we knew it all along
We're better off alone

Bands of light of the morning through the blinds are there to wake me when
I can never miss you more than when the sheets are cold beside me

So put your hands where I can see
It's fair to say my better days have got the best of me

Something doesn't feel right, like you're feeding me a line
Cause I swear I've heard this somewhere before
I'll swallow every word between your lips
But if you're just lying through your teeth,
Maybe you're right and we knew it all along
We're better off alone

My favorite lines are bold. My discovery of this band and this song were completely unplanned. It's sort of funny in a way. I forget what messageboard I had been posting on at the time - this was a few years ago - but I was in a thread with one of those silly band name games, where you post a band whose name starts with the last letter of the band posted before you. My letter was R and I went to Purevolume to look for interesting bands that started with R, and I came upon Races to April's page. I never really got into any of their other songs but I've always loved this one. It's still up on their Purevolume page if you want to check it out, too.

i hope you're as happy as you're pretending

My god, you are pathetic. I can still admit that I do continue to miss you from time to time; in fact, I'm not sure that will ever change, but it's not the same as it once was. It's not really you that I'm missing - it's the you that you once were. You're not the same person anymore, and who you are now is someone that I can't help but laugh at. The facade you keep up is so ridiculous; the superior, "I don't care what you think of me" attitude, the fact that the one thing you seem to look forward to is the next time you'll be drunk. I almost pity you, because I know what you used to be and how much potential you had and I see you wasting it now on things that matter so little. I almost wish I could reach out and say something, tell you to change your ways before it's too late, but then I remember what a terrible friend you were and how utterly fake you are and I know you don't deserve it.

It annoys me endlessly that I missed you for so long, that I tried so many times to reconnect with you, that I found some meaning in the way we always had no trouble sharing things with each other, even after losing contact for so long. It always struck me as something to be proud of, something worth holding on to, because if we could be close like that after not being friends at all, that had to mean something, didn't it? If we could instantly go back to the way things once were and feel comfortable telling each other anything at all, wasn't that something special? Wasn't that important enough to forget about all the lying and deceit and backstabbing and using? That's what I always wanted to believe, but that was also before I realized you'd never be the same.

I like to imagine that there's still some sliver of the girl I once knew in you, somewhere, deep down. I wish you wouldn't hide her under all your makeup and hair dye and false superiority because she was one of the greatest people I could ever hope to know. That's the girl I will never stop missing, and I think I'm okay with that. I should probably just cut off all ties with you, but I can't help wanting to be around to see if she ever makes an appearance again. Hope is an important thing to hold on to, right? Even if there's little chance of the thing you hope for coming true.

There's one line that always comes to mind when I think about you.

I hope you're as happy as you're pretending.

on the fourth of july!

Drove past John Wayne on the way home tonight and almost cried. Why can't I just forget?

Dr. John's Fourth of July party was fun. I mostly hung out with my mom, laughed a other peoples' adorable babies and played a few games of pool. I beat both of my parents and lost to a thirteen year old. Some kids can actually be pretty chill though, when they're not obnoxious. There were six kids I was hanging out with in the pool room at one point. Two pairs of brothers and then one brother and sister. In each pair, the younger sibling was always the annoying child. Funny how that works.

Everyone seemed to enjoy the cookies my mom and I made this morning. They were oatmeal and chocolate chip, and the whole plate got cleared off before the fireworks started. We could see three different fireworks shows from John's balcony, all fairly close. Fireworks are pretty fun to watch. I really enjoy the ones that leave trails of light in the sky, or the ones that fan out and turn into dozens of smaller explosions. (in the sky?)

On our way there, we stopped at the Albertson's by my best friend's mother's house and it made me feel so nostalgic. Every time I'm near or in Tustin, I really really miss living there. We got some drinks, including a few Kahlua Mudslides which I would highly recommend. They are delicious. I had one while we were eating and before I even finished, I lost balance while I was squatting down and fell on my butt. That led to plenty of jokes about how I'd had too much to drink. Highly embarrassing. That was the only drink I had, but when we were in the car my dad told me not to get too carried away with myself. Anyone who knows my dad will understand why this is humorous.

It's still fairly early but I'm extremely tired. I think I'm going to see the Proposal with my mom tomorrow, or maybe we'll see Up instead. I'm not sure yet.

day twenty - a day late?

So I've decided that since I always end up posting outside of my 24 hour limit and end up posting really pointless stuff, I'm not gonna worry too much about the once-a-day business. I'd rather post less often and have it be more meaningful than post about arbitrary bullshit on a daily basis.

That being said, I don't really have anything good to write about today. I went out with my mom and got some new shoes and a shirt. At Target I noticed they still have the same sunglasses that you bought me last summer. The same sunglasses that broke once because the screw wasn't tight enough to hold the arm on. I probably still have the original pair somewhere because I kept it, along with the loose screw and the detached arm, in a ziploc bag. I ended up buying the same pair again, and it broke too, in the same way. I gave up after that. It almost seems metaphorical. I kept trying but it was too hard for me and in the end, I gave up. Or maybe that's just the way I like to see it because it hurts too much to think that I hurt you for my own selfish reasons. I doubt I'll ever stop missing you. They always say you never forget your first love.

day nineteen - twilight, like oh my god

Currently listening to: "Take Tomorrow (One Day at a Time)" by Butch Walker. Watch here.

I'm not sure what else to write about still, but I just read the partial draft of Midnight Sun by Stephenie Meyer this week, so here goes. It's essentially Twilight from Edward's point of view and I honestly think if a lot of people that criticize the relationship aspect of the movie would read Midnight Sun, they might understand it a little bit better. There is so much more thought and analysis and inner dialogue on Edward's part than on Bella's. It's actually humorous the way he over thinks every last detail and questions everything. It makes the animal instinct quality of their attraction to each other more clear, as well.

I enjoyed Twilight series very much, to be honest. I know a lot of people hated it, even after giving it a chance, and I'm not trying to argue with that at all. I wouldn't go so far as to say they are very well-written books, and the movie doesn't do Bella and Edward's story justice at all, but I like it all nonetheless. I really enjoyed the final two books and honestly wouldn't mind owning the whole series someday. I also really hope that Stephenie Meyer chooses to finish Midnight Sun, despite the fact that it was leaked onto the internet prior to being finished. I really enjoyed the first draft and I think it would make for an interesting counterpart to the original story.

day eighteen

I don't know what to write about today. I keep feeling angry and depressed this week and then making myself think of other things to stay happy. Apparently I'm good at that.

I'm learning to cook more and more. Nothing insanely special so far, but I did make dinner on my own tonight. Shake n Bake and Pasta-roni. It all came out pretty good, so I was proud. I'm gonna make cookies from scratch again this week too, probably for the Fourth of July party my parents are going to. I'll probably tag along for the third or fourth year in a row just because I have no other plans yet. It's at a super nice house, one of my dad's work friends is throwing it. It just isn't all that exciting to me to spend time at a house with a bunch of my parent's friends. At least he has a pool and a hot tub and a beautiful view. Good enough for me.

Currently listening to "Cannonball" by Damien Rice. I love this song and the album it's on so much. It's absolutely on my list of songs I'd like to learn someday. I should play more guitar this week. I want to learn a lot of songs but I'm pretty slow at learning new things. I tend to get really easily frustrated.

I feel like this blog is going downhill. I need inspiration.

day seventeen - they said we burn so bright

People are killing themselves over Michael Jackson's death. For someone to be that disillusioned about how important a complete stranger is to their own life just baffles me. I will openly admit that I read and enjoy celebrity gossip, but I have no problem realizing that I'll probably never meet any of these people and I don't have some glimmering hope of being friends with any of them. I can't even imagine being so strongly attached to someone I've never met, to the point that their death would effect me THAT strongly. People are strange.

Today I watched Baby Mama and it made me realize, once again, that I want to be a mother. Oddly enough, the first thing that made me realize this (I was previously uninterested in being a mother before, or unsure about it) was the final book in the Twilight series, Breaking Dawn. Don't ask. Anyway, I used to be deathly afraid of the a) childbirth and b) raising a child. It's such a crazy responsibility, bringing up another human being. I talked about it with Matt one of the last times we hung out and it literally terrifies me to think of the possibility of shaping another human being's personality. I guess the fear of being a bad parent is probably common anyway, but I don't think I could forgive myself if I turned out to be a bad mother. I really really want to be a mom someday. It seems strange to me that I only figured that out recently, especially when I was almost opposed to it before now. I guess it's good to know where you stand.

Our days were numbered by nights on too many rooftops,
They said we're wasting our lives,
but oh, at least we know that if we die, we lived with passion.
They said we burn so bright, we'd burn this city.

day sixteen - holding on to yourself the best you can

This evening, as I was rolling my bike down the driveway for a short ride around the block, my mother told me I need to "step up the job search." It's so utterly frustrating to keep trying the same places over again when I've been turned away or turned down so many times before. It's hard to keep trying when you've never seen positive results to begin with. Especially when it's something I have no control over. There's not a damn thing I can do to convince someone to hire me or to make it easier for myself to get a job. I don't know what I'm doing wrong so I don't know how to do better.

So that's what I thought about while riding my bike around the block. When I got home I thought I was going to pass out or throw up, probably from dehydration, so I had a cold shower and laid down for a few minutes. I've been trying to work out a tiny bit every day, just as a start. I know you're supposed to eat healthy and work out and do a combination of things, but that can all come later I guess. I've just been doing a few crunches and leg lifts before bed each night. I would like to ride my bike more but it just gets so damn hot out so I usually wait until just before dark when I'm less likely to melt straight onto the asphalt. I really hate living in the desert. I was not meant for warm weather.

I'm listening to my recordings from the Jesse Lacey solo show at the Roxy last year and it's making me so much more excited to see Brand New in a few weeks. I've been listening to The Devil and God a lot lately, and Deja Entendu is pretty much my go-to album when I'm feeling depressed. I should probably listen to that again soon. I'm not generally one to hype bands up, but I really love Brand New to death. No matter how many times I see them (this month will be my fifth time, counting the solo show), it never gets less exciting for me. I literally get giddy at the thought. Last time I saw them, they played a free festival at USC and I brought my friend Spencer who'd never seen them before. That was really fun for me because I knew how excited he was too and it was such a great set and well worth the day-long wait. Seeing the whole band play in a smaller venue is going to be so wonderful.

When I disappear, it is clear I am up to no good.

day fifteen - an early morning thought

I tend to pin my hopes on the possibility of minor events. I tend to pin my happiness on the potential, the upcoming. Knowing that I have something good planned helps me to get through the week, so sometimes I'll be waiting on something good to happen to make the week better. Right now, I'm waiting for a cute boy that I met this week to add me back on Facebook as if that will somehow not only brighten my day, but alleviate my problems. Maybe ameliorate is the right word. It's not like his accepting a friend request will mean anything significant or anything at all, but I keep waiting anxiously for it to happen as if it will.

Why do I do that?

day fourteen

I know I've said it a million times because in the last twenty years, I really have thought my family was on the verge of falling apart on many different occasions, and I know the last few have been seemingly more official.. but I'm pretty sure tonight was it. And maybe it's because there have been so many other times that I thought it was really going to happen, or maybe it's because I don't know how to feel about it yet and nothing else has really happened to make it officially "the end," but I feel oddly calm about it right now. I don't really know what to expect and I'm not sure what's going to happen next, if anything at all, but hopefully I can continue to be okay with it. I almost pride myself on that quality - being able to handle most things calmly and usually being able to stay happy through shitty situations. Maybe now is the time I'll need it most.

day thirteen - on nostalgia

I wasn't sure what to write about tonight, but I found a bunch of pictures from eighth to tenth grade or so on my dad's computer earlier today and a CD with pictures and movies from early high school that Justin Scott had made and they got me all nostalgic. So I suppose that shall be the topic of the day!

I'm so glad cameras exist, and that creative people are always around capturing the moments that turn into memories. I have a terrible memory so it's always really helpful for me to have pictures to look back on later and reminisce about past events. Especially when you consider how drastically things can change over the course of a few years, it seems like pictures are one of the only ways to prove to yourself that things really were the way they once were. It's almost weird for me to see pictures of myself and Ashley and Jessi together, looking happy and friendly of all things.

It's taken me a ridiculously long time to find a way NOT to miss that girl. Of course, we've all changed over the years and become different people to some extent but when I think of all the ways she's changed from someone I once admired and even envied to someone I don't even recognize, it's hard to remember what she was like. It's hard to remember how we were once so close, how I spent almost every weekend at her house and how we would stay up late in her room with the lights off, just talking. Maybe it's not hard to remember, but it's hard to imagine there being a time when it was like that. It's almost inconceivable to think that I would always bring her house-sitting. I remember one night we were upstairs and writing out a list of things to talk about on the phone with Alan before we called him. I remember confiding in her every time I fought with my dad and she would always tell me how much better I deserved and to hang in there because one day, things would be different. I owe her so much and I will always be grateful for the friendship we had, but I know there's no point in missing her anymore because she's not the same person.

I've always said that I missed the way things once were but I knew they could never be the same, though that never stopped me from wishing they could be. I've always defended her or at least kept my mouth shut when others began to think poorly of her. I've always strained to see the girl who was once my best friend somewhere inside of the person she became. I know she's not the same anymore and I finally understand that it's no use missing someone who is no longer around and never will be. I miss the girl I used to know, but I'm done wishing that somehow, magically, she'll show up again.

It's kind of funny how much you can learn from yourself and from your own memories.

day twelve - a day late

I got home late and missed my blog window! I had a really fun day though, so I'm just going to write about that. Kalin's birthday was today and she had an 80s themed skating party. My last minute attempt at an 80s punk outfit didn't turn out that well and apparently I just looked normal, but that's okay. Also, I kind of hate roller skating and ended up being a big party pooper and only going around the rink a few times but I still had fun. I got to see a lot of people I haven't seen since last June and I got to meet some new friends as well. :)

After hanging out at Holiday Skate Center for a good two and a half hours, a bunch of us headed over to Watson's and squeezed into a corner table. That was a lot of fun too. Kalin's boyfriend Brian and his roommate Aaron are hilarious. I pretty much just laughed at them the entire time. After that I hung out at Leanne's house with her, Chase and Justin for a while. We swam and played videogames and whatnot and then later on, Chase and Leanne and I got coffee at the Lost Bean. We ended up at Staci's later on to play with her new puppy and watched some So You Think You Can Dance. It was all pretty low-key, silly stuff but I had a lot of fun. I want to see Leanne more often. I always tell people that I've known her since kindergarten and whatnot, but I really don't know her as well as I'd like to anymore. I'd like to hang out with her more so I told her to let me know when they have more fun stuff planned and hopefully I'll see a lot of those kids again soon.

In other news, I think my mom's gonna let me help out with a bunch of her bookkeeping work this weekend and next week so that should be good. I also should really talk to Jason's girlfriend about applying at her job if they'll still hire me. I know it's extremely unlikely that I'll be able to find a single store in Moreno Valley that's hiring right now. The economy can kiss my ass.

I don't know if I wrote about the show at all, but Takota was amazing. I need to update my showblog. They were absolutely wonderful, though they only played five songs. I only really talked to Grant, but he was as sweet and friendly as he used to be and it was really good catching up. I had a lovely time and they better schedule more shows soon or I'll have to have some words. (Cue dramatic music.) I'm sort of hyper from having a good day so this post is probably going to be annoying and very jumpy. Maybe I'll just end it here hahah.

day eleven - on distance

It's been about a year since we moved from Orange County to Moreno Valley and the only friend who has been to my "new" house so far is Ashley, on the few occasions when I drove her here.

I could just be being paranoid because I happen to be extra emotional right now, but I've felt for some time like I fucked up by not being closer with more people while I still lived in Tustin. That's not to say that my friendship with Ashley isn't fulfilling enough or anything like that, but the fact of the matter is that she lives in San Francisco for the better part of the year now and the only other friend I still see regularly is Jason, whom I really don't hang out with all that often. I rarely see my friends from high school, even the ones who still live forty five minutes away. Hell, I rarely see Leslee and I go to the same school as her.

It's really starting to bother me that no one has bothered to drive the forty five minutes it would take to hang out with me, when every time I've been invited to hang out with anyone since I've moved, I've traveled that distance. Literally any friendly outing I've been to in the last year, any game night or party or even any shows I've gone to, I've driven at least 45 miles for. I drive that far for school, too. I've spent countless hours in my car since moving. Don't get me wrong - I enjoy driving, I really do. But the fact that it's always me doing the driving is really starting to irk me. It kind of depresses me to be honest. But then, when I start to think about it, it's understandable, too. I didn't stay close enough with any of my friends for them to want to hang out regularly. I'm not inseparable from anyone anymore, because all the separations were made long ago.

If there was some kind of mathematical equation to be applied to this situation, I feel like 45 miles multiplied by the number of nights I've gone that distance both ways multiplied by the year that's passed since we moved would be a ridiculously high number.

day ten - cookie monstress

Currently listening to: "The Ivory Tower" by Takota from The Ivory Tower.

I'll probably be back too late tonight to blog on time, so I'm going to do another short post.

My cookies came out almost entirely wonderful. One batch came out burnt, which disappointed me greatly, but the rest look spectacular, as you can see.

I hope Takota enjoys them. :)

day nine - on food and music

Currently listening to: "At the Bottom of Everything" by Bright Eyes from I'm Wide Awake It's Morning.

Tomorrow night, Takota is playing their first show at Chain in I don't even know how long. They haven't been promoting it all that much outside of the confines of their Twitter followers so I'm not entirely sure what to expect in the way of crowd turnout. They're also opening the show, so that could be an influential factor. My parents are going to go for their set and leave, but I'll probably stick around for the whole thing. Or maybe I won't, considering I'm not familiar with any of the other bands' music and I'm probably not going to be feeling very well. We'll see.

I'm excited to see the guys though. It's been far too long and they are sort of the poster band for my love of local music. Takota and Filmspeed/NOGH were definitely contenders for the top spot. I always counted Pistolita in that category too, even though they were from San Diego. Once you throw in Dead Letter Diaries/Eye Alaska, it's a nicely rounded out little list. It's really gratifying once you've seen a small band enough times that they start to recognize you and you can tell that they really appreciate you being at their shows. I think my top two favorite things about live music are being friendly with the bands and the energy you feel in a crowd when everyone is singing along at the same time. That's what makes going to shows worthwhile to me. That's what makes feeling old at nineteen and dealing with all the screaming pre-teen girls worthwhile. Though I suppose enjoying the music I do pretty much sets me up for that, but I don't mind. When the music starts, nothing else matters.

So in order to celebrate Takota's return, I've decided to make cookies from scratch, which I've never done on my own before. I'm going to make them tomorrow and bring them to Chain. I'm almost equally excited for that and the show itself. There are very few meals I can make other than breakfast, but I'm learning slowly. My mom has been having me prepare dinner some nights so it'll be ready when my parents get home and it's kind of fun. I tend to like the preparation part of a meal more than the actual cooking - the chopping and slicing and mixing and whatnot, probably because I like the preciseness of measurements. It's easier to know what you're doing when you can just follow directions. When it comes to knowing that a course is done cooking though, I get a little unsure. I guess, like anything else, I'll get more comfortable with practice.

I need more ideas for what to blog about. Suggestions are welcome. :)

day eight - cheating

Father's day has been a long one, and I'm actually far too tired to write coherently for very long, so I'm gonna leave it at this: I hope you had a good day. Whether you spent it with your father or not, I hope everyone who might be reading this had a nice, relaxing Sunday. Mine was pretty decent for the most part.

day seven - on road trips

I wasn't sure what I wanted to write about today, so I asked my friend Ryan what he would suggest. He came up with road trips and it sounds like a fine idea to me.

The only road trips I've ever really been on thus far have been with my parents. We took one a long time ago to visit some friends in Grass Valley, CA, North East of Sacramento. I forget how old I was, but the trip was over eight hours and I vaguely remember sitting in the backseat of whichever car we had taken and looking for license plates from other states. I still do that while I'm driving. I probably spent most of the trip there sleeping, but I also remember on our way back home, that we stopped in a lot of tourist spots along the coast - Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk, Monterey and Carmel-By-the-Sea, Big Sur, Hearst Castle in San Simeon, and Solvang. I'm sure we did a lot more than that, but my memory fails me. It was my first memorable road trip and I know I enjoyed it a lot.

More recently, I believe it was during my Junior year of high school, my mom and I drove from Tustin to San Jose where we saw the Winchester Mystery House and stayed the night in the city. From there we continued North to San Francisco where we stayed a few more days. I think that was my first time in the City by the Bay and I was in love with it instantly. We didn't even explore all that much, though we did drive over the Golden Gate Bridge, walk around Pier 39 and visit the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art. It saddens me that I'm actually having trouble remembering what else we did, but I would've loved to stay longer and see more. We also visited my mom's friend Jenny in Janesville, CA for a few days before continuing onto Yosemite National Park. I really wish we'd stayed there longer, because we only spent part of the day driving through it and it was incredibly beautiful. I'd love to go back again.

The only other pseudo road trips I can remember have been smaller trips, like a day trip with my dad down to San Diego for breakfast with my Grandpa and out to the Salton Sea afterwards to see Slab City and Salvation Mountain (another place I'd love to visit again), and another in which way drove up Highway 395 to visit his old friends in Yerington, Nevada for a few days. The best part of that trip was seeing the sky at night from the middle of nowhere. You could see so many more stars in the sky than anyone ever will from most of Southern California. It was wonderful out there, aside from the heat. I'm sure I'd go crazy living in the practically-barren desert, but it was a beautifully serene place to stay for a few days.

If nothing else, writing this blog has both brought on an extreme bout of nostalgia and strengthened my desire to travel. One of my greatest goals in life is to see the world. I'm not entirely sure how it's going to happen but I feel like I have to find a way. Maybe I'll focus on travel writing instead of entertainment journalism. Maybe someday I'll just disappear to another place and start over, just to try something different. Maybe..

day six - an aesthetic voyager whose home is the road

"I'll paraphrase Thoreau here: Rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness.. Give me truth." - Emile Hirsch in Into the Wild.

If you've ever seen Into the Wild, you know at least a little bit about Christopher Johnson McCandless. A lot of people feel little sympathy towards his tragic story. Many think that he was just a stupid kid trying to prove something. Personally, I feel inspired every time I read about him or watch the movie based on his adventures. I hate that the idea of just leaving your life to travel around the country the way he did is less plausible for women than it is for men. I don't know that I'll ever see the world the way he did, or even the way I would love to, but even if his death was caused by a foolish mistake, I will always feel the deepest respect and admiration for the decisions he made.

"The very basic core of a man's living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun. (...) You are wrong if you think Joy amanates only or principally from human relationships. God has placed it all around us. It is in everything and anything we might experience. We just have to have the courage to turn against our habitual lifestyle and engage in unconventional living." - Christopher Johnson McCandless

day five

Sometimes I begin to think I'm developing some sort of social anxiety disorder by letting myself get too comfortable sitting at home all of the time. I've begun to strongly dislike going anywhere alone, to the point where I'll try to justify putting it off and most likely find a way around it. Sometimes I just have to get out of the house and then I just deal with it and go somewhere. I don't know how to talk to people I don't know. Standard small talk with people you have no choice but to talk to is fine - grocery store clerks, cashiers in any retail environment - I'm fine with those. But when it comes to anything I don't actually need to talk to them about, if I actually have to go out of my way to ask them something or start a conversation, that's when it becomes difficult for me.

A few weeks ago at school, I was sitting outside the music building between two classes and listening to a cute boy play acoustic guitar. I sat there and watched him, not very subtly, for a good half hour and I was pretty certain that he saw me too. I didn't bother hiding it because he was really good and I was enjoying it. Eventually, after debating with myself over whether or not I wanted to compliment him, I walked over at the last possible minute before I needed to head to my next class and I told him he played really well and I'd been enjoying listening to his music. Even something as simple as that literally terrified me. I didn't even introduce myself or ask his name, all I said was that I liked his guitar-playing, and that alone had me practically shaking. It's ridiculous and I have no idea where it comes from but I feel like it's gotten much worse since I graduated and moved and started over at a new school. Now that I don't have people to rely on as "back up" or whatever you want to call it, I just don't put myself in situations where I have to talk to people I don't know. I spend a lot of time alone at school.

I can think of about two friends I've made this year. One of them only went to Cal Poly for a quarter and then, when he transferred to UCR and lived ten minutes from me, I only hung out with him twice at shows. I could see myself hanging out with him again but he also lives in San Diego so I don't know how likely that will be. The other is a girl I rarely see who also lives farther away than my school is from me so I probably won't see her again until the Fall quarter starts. I keep telling myself I need to work on making friends, but I've always relied on other people for that. The majority of the friends I've been close with, I met through other people.

I don't know how to change. :/

day four

Four days in and I'm already out of things to write.

How about some upcoming events?

Tuesday June 23rd - Takota's return to Chain + the Audition.
Friday June 26th - Warped Tour with Jason
Saturday June 27th - Andrew's birthday!
Friday July 10th - Ace Enders, Person L, the Dangerous Summer and the Gay Blades all at Chain with a parking lot barbecue before the show.
Saturday July 18th - Brand New at the Troubadour. :D :D :D

Hopefully shortly after that last one Ashley will finally be coming home. I miss her to death. And hopefully by then I will have a job and hopefully I'll be able to get time off and drive her back to San Francisco with her sister and her mom and get to see her apartment and maybe if I have money then we can go exploring and do lots of fun things. :) I'd very much enjoy that.

Since I still haven't been to the mall this week, due to both my laziness and my fear of rejection, I decided to print out the directory of every store at the mall complete with phone numbers and a map. I circled priority stores (I tend to be picky, which is a problem) and I've got 24 to start with, after which I'll start calling the rest. There are plenty of places to try outside of the mall but I'd like to see if I can't find something there. I also still need to call back the stores at Ontario Mills but I'd rather work close to home. That's a more reasonable thing to be picky about than the job itself I think.

I always write about the same things.

day three

Another day almost entirely wasted. Spent the more exciting parts putting together outfits on Polyvore.com, and I've made six sets so far.

I've had this tab open for almost an hour and I keep distracting myself reading about Kristen Stewart hahah. I joined this fan community for her on Livejournal and anytime Paparazzi photos of her show up, they get posted online as well as interviews and stuff. It's all mildly entertaining and whatnot, considering I've developed a fat girl crush on her. I think she's gorgeous, though I can admit she's not the best actress. I think her awkward persona tends to come through in everything she does, but maybe that's what's sort of endearing about her. I don't know, I just like her.

Completely unrelated, but I wanted to type out something from a book I've had since I was in elementary school. It's called Out of the Dust by Karen Hesse and it used to be one of my favorite books, though it's a bit depressing. Learning about the Dust Bowl in my US History class made me think of it, and there has always been one chapter that stood out in my memory. It's called "The Accident."

I got
burned
bad.

Daddy
put a pail of kerosene
next to the stove
and Ma,
fixing breakfast,
thinking the pail was
filled with water,
lifted it,
to make Daddy's coffee,
poured it,
but instead of making coffee,
Ma made a rope of fire.
It rose up from the stove
to the pail
and the kerosene burst into flames.

Ma ran across the kitchen,
out the porch door,
screaming for Dadd.
I tore after her,
then,
thinking of the burning pail,
left behind in the bone-dry kitchen,
I flew back and grabbed it,
throwing it out the door.

I didn't know.
I didn't know Ma was coming back.

The flaming oil
splashed onto her apron,
and Ma,
suddenly Ma,
was a column of fire.
I pushed her to the ground,
desperate to save her,
desperate to save the baby, I
tried,
beating out the flames with my hands.
I did the best I could.
But it was no good.
Ma
got
burned
bad.

July 1934

Sorry to drag it all out like that, but it's written that way. Apparently that's what you call a verse novel, where the whole thing is told through poetry instead of prose. I kinda wanna read the book again now after remembering that part of it. I remember that the mother dies in childbirth, and the younger brother shortly afterward. I remember that the father ends up drinking a lot and the main character, the girl, Billie Jo (they had wanted a boy the first time around as well), plays piano until the accident happens, because her hands get burned and she can't play anymore. That's all I remember though.

I have a habit of re-reading old books when I have the time to read, instead of finding new ones. I'd like to read a lot more but I never feel like I have the time. At least not during the school year. Summer should be good for that though. I want to start re-reading From the Corner of His Eye when I turn off my laptop tonight, because Michael reminded me how much I used to enjoy that book. Dean Koontz tends to write the same kind of story in every book but I've always loved this one.

Staying up late to read seems like a much more worthwhile way to spend the night.

day two

Summertime and the livin's easy? I only finished classes last Thursday and I'm already out of stuff to do. Definitely need to find a job ASAP. I think I'll head to the mall tomorrow and pick up a bunch of applications, fill 'em out in the food court and take them all back. Should probably also call the three places I applied at in the Ontario Mills mall last Friday as well.

I'm really hoping that with Summer classes canceled, I'll have a little more luck in my pursuit. Having no experience has been an issue so far but I dunno. It's hard to be optimistic but I just need something to get my foot in the door. Jason's friend Amanda said I could probably get a job at her work so I might take her up on that too.

Other things to look forward to: Takota's return to Chain, hopefully Warped with Jason, the Ace Enders barbecue party and show with the Gay Blades, Person L and the Dangerous Summer. I'd really really like to go see Fun, Limbeck and Hellogoodbye at Chain too but I dunno if I'll have money to buy tickets. I hate asking for extra money from my parents. (job job job)

I've yet to be productive today so I think I'll at least try to get some laundry done. Maybe go for a short bike ride. I need to do SOMETHING.

365 day blog - day one

So I'm thinking I might have to steal the whole 365 days blog idea from everyone who's already done it before me, just to make myself write. Michael put the idea in my head again after reading his blog the other day. Maybe we'll call this day one.

It's summer now. I finished the quarter from hell, probably with really poor grades. Definitely not with grades I can be proud of, that's for sure. Summer quarter got canceled because of budget cuts so now I REALLY need to find a job, as if it wasn't stressed enough before. I really hate money.

I'm gonna be vain and annoying for two seconds and wish that I had myself a boy. A nice, respectable boy who doesn't mind an affectionate girl, because that's how I roll. The end.

I've been playing more guitar lately. I think, to me, that's either the most interesting or most important (or both) part of this entry.

when i'm with you, there's no point in breathing

It's been a year since I said goodbye to you. I'm still sorry for the way everything turned out. I wish it had worked out differently. I wish it had started out differently, perhaps in the ways we both knew would've made everything easier. I'm still terrified that I may have ruined one of the best things I've ever had and possibly ever will. I'm worried I threw away my best chance at something people search for their entire lives, something that was given to me under difficult circumstances. Under circumstanced that I didn't have the means to change and still don't. I wish the circumstances had been different but I'm afraid that I'm missing out on what could've been. I don't know how it could have turned out any other way though. I know it's pointless to regret, but I do sometimes. Sometimes I wish none of it had happened. Sometimes I wish I had never explained what was going on and I wonder how things would be now had I not done so. Mostly I try not to think about what could have been because it hurts to think that I might have thrown away my one chance. I got lucky and it didn't work out and I'm afraid that'll be the only chance I get. I hope I'm wrong.

life as we know it

I've been taking a massive trip down memory lane for the past few hours, mostly reading old blogs and whatnot, from eighth grade until now. It's just insanely weird to see how drastically things can change over the course of a few years. Some people meant the world to me then and now we don't even speak. I'm incredibly thankful for so much of what I've been through, and for having had friends to support me through it all. I'm thankful for all the ridiculous trials I've had and the fact that I've survived them. I know I haven't been through anything all that traumatic, but I always believed that you couldn't compare peoples' problems because everyone has their own scale for what's tough and trying.

To anyone who's ever listened to me and helped me out with anything, thank you. It's meant more to me than you'll ever know. Four people come to mind specifically, the four people I've been closest with. The four best friends I've had over the last six years or so.

Allyssa Zander. You were my best friend for such a long time. The first person I really felt close to and spent all my time with. All the silly notes we wrote in ninth grade (love you bunches and tons and apples and bananas) and sleepovers and going to my first show with you - I will always remember those. High school took us our separate ways and I'm sorry things turned out the way they did but I'll always remember you fondly for the good times.

Jessica Andre. You were the first person to save my life. You have literally meant more to me than almost anyone I've ever known. You had my back through so much shit, it's not even funny. After high school started to suck, I always had you to depend on and staying at your house every weekend never got old. I have never been able to stop missing you and the way things were. I hope life turns out the best that it can for you.

Vanessa Saade. I hate to think how much I took you for granted. I'm glad we still talk, but I'm more thankful for having been your friend than you will ever know. In a time when all the tough things were really the events that would shape me for the rest of my life, you were always there. You were always looking out for me and keeping me sane and happy. Thank you so much for being a better friend than I could have ever wished for.

Ashley Ryan. Holy hell, where do I even begin? I've known you since before the fourth grade and you have always been a good friend to me. Always. You are one of the most caring and compassionate people I have ever known and I feel more blessed to have had you in my life and called you a friend than I could ever describe. I don't even think of you as a friend anymore because you're so much more than that to me. You are my sister. My guardian angel. While I hate being away from you so much now and I miss spending all my time at your house and doing silly things with you, I'm also so happy for you and the way your life is going. You're headed for amazing things and I can't wait to see how it all turns out. I'm so proud of you and so thankful for everything you've ever done for me. I love you.

I'm incredibly thankful for everyone who has ever been a friend to me, but these four girls have changed my life. Friends are the most amazing and beautiful people, but best friends go beyond that. They are your family. They are your sisters, your angels. There's something spectacular about the bond between best friends.

I love and hate writing things like this because it gets me so emotional, but it also helps me put so much into perspective. Not that I didn't already know how I felt about all of these people, but looking back at how things were before anything bad or dramatic happened between any of us makes me that much more glad that we were ever friends in the first place, no matter how our friendships ended or whether or not we're still on good terms.

I guess that's what life is all about in a sense, though. No matter what sort of horrible things happen, you just have to focus on all the good things that you've been through and that you're going through and be thankful that you have people to share them with. That idea alone makes me want to try to be a more positive person and turn things around because I don't want to look back on this time in my life later and regret anything. The way it's going now makes me think I probably will and I want to change that. I need to.

Wish me luck.

yeah, i know i'm not good enough for you.

I keep losing track of time. I never know what day it is anymore. I used to be really good about that, one of those people that you would always ask the day or time if you needed to know it. Granted that was probably back in middle school or earlier, but I'm not sure what changed since then. I stopped wearing a watch and got a cell phone. Time is easy. I feel like it's been forever since I've written anything legitimately interesting, if I ever have. I read other peoples blogs and wonder if I'm cut out for writing at all.

I haven't written anything journalistic since the end of senior year, other than my first attempt at a show review for the Poly Post. I'm pretty sure at some point, if I continue with this major, I'll learn more about how to actually write and get a chance to really practice and get better at it, but it's always been frustrating to me to know that I've never really been able to do that before. At Beckman it was more like, "Hey, you can write about music? Cool, we haven't really had anyone do that." The only editors we had for the Entertainment section were either Austin Barnes, who was so cocky that he didn't even feel like he needed to stoop to actually editing or criticizing people, or Yasmin, who, like me, was a first time Journalism student and was too nice to do what Austin wouldn't. Thus, I never really felt like I was getting better or worse at it. Caitlin (the editor in chief) and Mrs. Ng both seemed to like a lot of my articles, so I figured I had something going for me at least.

I think one of the only things I like about my blogs is that I never know what I'm going to write about when I open the page. It always turns into some kind of (usually boring or pointless) rant, but I never plan it out really. I might have an idea that I want to bring up, but that's about as far as it gets. I don't even know if anybody reads this but that's okay by me. I guess it's more about getting the practice at writing the way I want to sound than getting readers or anything else.

The weather has been back and forth lately. We've gotten a lot of rainy days, which I love and dislike at the same time, but it seems to be nice out so far today. I heard birds chirping and the sun is shining through my bedroom window. Maybe I'll finally make a trip back to that little park I came across if I can find it again. Maybe not. I have a tendency to say I want to do things and make vague plans to do them someday and then I never get around to doing them. I constantly put them off until later and never do the things I want to do. It's sort of terrible.

I'm considering writing a letter to someone who used to be a small but important part of my life. I'm not sure if it's a good idea at all because I know I'll be tempted to say things that I probably shouldn't, but I feel like it might be something I need to do anyway. I wrote down the address just in case but maybe I'll get a draft out at least just to see how I feel about it.

End. :)

our side-stepping has come to be a brilliant dance

The playlist I made last Friday in the midst of my hating life/the world/everything mood is so so good. I'm quite proud of it. I'm also just now realizing that when I was excited yesterday because my shuffle was playing all these wonderful songs that I would never ever skip, it's because I was still listening to the playlist. LOL.

My weekend was sort of back and forth between shitty and mediocre. Friday was pretty awful. I had an argument with my mom, after which she left the house for a while and I sat in my room and cried. I've realized that I'm actually quite good at waiting until people leave before I really show emotion, though I'm not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. After that, I just went out and drove around the city. I still don't know it very well so I was basically just driving aimlessly, mostly up in the nicer residential areas. I came across a nice little park where I started making the playlist and just sat in the grass for a while as the sun went down. I even stopped at a few stores and shops around my house to ask about applying, but as I've been saying for months now, it appears no one is hiring. Disappointing.

Saturday morning my parents and I got pictures taken at the Olan Mills studio in Kmart. We've never done group photos and my mom has been wanting to for a long time, so we finally did. We should be able to pick them up in a week or two. After that we had breakfast at this little Mexican restaurant, the Cactus Cantina. It was pretty good, though I was totally hoping for legit breakfast food at the time. Saturday night I decided to head over to Chain and catch Alan's show with We Are the Arsenal, Run Doris Run, the Summer Set and two other Arizona boy band pop rock bands. (Summary of that over here) It was mostly tolerable, though the whole feeling-old-at-shows thing is a bit disappointing. I talked to Peter Moe, WATA's guitarist, and he's super cute and very nice. :) Yay. Haha. I also brought them cookies, but my mom said they didn't turn out very well so I'll have to bring better ones next time to make up for it.

Sunday and Monday were highly uneventful, but now I'm at school waiting for my Women's Studies professor to make our midterm/quiz thing available online and then I'm supposed to hang out with Leslee at some point too. Later this week I'm going to a Christian hardcore show. :D And next Monday I wanna go see Jesse Shannon play another coffee shop show. Should be awesome. Also, I can't even begin to explain how excited I am to see Valencia this month, two nights in a row no less. I have quite a few potentially rad shows lined up, so I'm very anxious for those all to come.

I think that's about it for now. Have a nice weeeeeek.

this is the price you pay for loss of control

It's really difficult for me not to start blogs with the words "so." I seem to do it every single time for whatever reason. Anyway, it's been 2009 for three weeks now and it's actually starting to feel like things are finally changing a little bit, maybe. Nothing too drastic, so far, but that's okay by me.

I started my new classes for the quarter. I'm taking Communication Theory, Study of Women and Men in Society, Intro to Philosophy, and History of Western Art. The subjects are all fairly interesting; it's just taking me a while to get back into the idea of being at school all day twice a week. It still sucks quite a bit. (but God didn't wanna be, God didn't wanna be such an asshole.) Time for some Modest Mouse.

ANYway. Still looking for jobs, but it seems like maybe some places are finally hiring. I applied at Super Target the other week and I'm turning in a Kohl's application tomorrow. I've applied at a ton of places in Moreno Valley already, but I'll probably just have to head out a little further and find some more because I really need a damn job. Badly. Having money to put away every so often would be nice though, that's for sure. I obviously don't want to live with my parents forever, thankful as I am for all that they're doing for me. I'd like to retain a little of my sanity, please. :)

Winter break (Ashley's mostly) has been a lot of fun. Having friends come back from school makes for a lot of sweet hangs. I saw Danny a few times and I've been staying at Ashley's every so often. We went to Disneyland with Jason yesterday and that was a lot of fun of course. I <3 Disney so much, they were sort of constantly making fun of me for geeking out all day. All in good fun though.

First kiss of 2009 counts as another new thing I suppose, unexpected and strange as it was. Not that I'm complaining. I figure I already overanalyzed it enough after it happened, so I'm just gonna stop trying to figure out what it meant (probably nothing) and not worry so much. If it happens again so be it, and if not, that's okay too. I just don't want things to be awkward because I have few enough friends to see from time to time as it is.

As for today, I'm sitting in the library at school again because my first two classes got canceled so now I have free time until one PM. I've got my first quiz in Gender Studies to take in a few, and my first Art test on Tuesday. I think my books finally arrived this week too, so I can catch up on Philosophy stuff. I'll have to remember to take that quiz tomorrow as well. Wish me luck.

Happy 2009. Happy new President this week (side note: How cool is it that the first election I got to vote in ended up being quite literally a truly memorable historical event? Right on). Happy Thursday. Have a great weekend, a great month, a great year, and may anything else that comes your way be just as great as all of the above. :)

so this is the new year

and I don't feel any different.

I'm watching Saved! in my room right now and I know everyone says it every year, but New Years feels kinda the same way birthdays do. You know that time has passed, but nothing really feels any different. You've got a new age, a new year to write down, but that kinda seems like the biggest difference. Time is weird. Age is weird. I went to the grocery store with my mom last night and there was this old lady there shopping for herself with one of those automated/electric wheelchair things with a shopping cart attached. She went through each aisle really slowly and was there just as long or longer than we were, even though she was shopping for much less. It made me kind of sad. I almost wanted to help her out but I would have felt awkward or worried that she might think I was taking pity on her or something, which I guess I kind of was.

It's just a strange concept. I've been alive for nineteen years and almost a month. I know I'm not old or anything, but I feel that way sometimes. Especially at shows lately, especially if I'm there alone. Most of what I listen to is pop punk so I guess that usually reaches out more to younger kids anyway so it makes sense that I would feel relatively old at shows but it's still weird to me. Then again, whenever I'm around new people, I always think they're older than me. Always.

You know what else is weird/kinda sucks? Only slightly related, but I'm not a fan of how much easier it is before you graduate high school to meet new people. You see the same people in the same classes every day of the week and it's just easier to fall into that routine and you totally end up taking it for granted. I've never been good at making friends on my own and it's even harder now. Kinda sucks.

Aaaaaaanyway. This is not a fun post. Thus I'm done with it.

"Scooter? Mary.. this is a vespa."