Sometimes I begin to think I'm developing some sort of social anxiety disorder by letting myself get too comfortable sitting at home all of the time. I've begun to strongly dislike going anywhere alone, to the point where I'll try to justify putting it off and most likely find a way around it. Sometimes I just have to get out of the house and then I just deal with it and go somewhere. I don't know how to talk to people I don't know. Standard small talk with people you have no choice but to talk to is fine - grocery store clerks, cashiers in any retail environment - I'm fine with those. But when it comes to anything I don't actually need to talk to them about, if I actually have to go out of my way to ask them something or start a conversation, that's when it becomes difficult for me.
A few weeks ago at school, I was sitting outside the music building between two classes and listening to a cute boy play acoustic guitar. I sat there and watched him, not very subtly, for a good half hour and I was pretty certain that he saw me too. I didn't bother hiding it because he was really good and I was enjoying it. Eventually, after debating with myself over whether or not I wanted to compliment him, I walked over at the last possible minute before I needed to head to my next class and I told him he played really well and I'd been enjoying listening to his music. Even something as simple as that literally terrified me. I didn't even introduce myself or ask his name, all I said was that I liked his guitar-playing, and that alone had me practically shaking. It's ridiculous and I have no idea where it comes from but I feel like it's gotten much worse since I graduated and moved and started over at a new school. Now that I don't have people to rely on as "back up" or whatever you want to call it, I just don't put myself in situations where I have to talk to people I don't know. I spend a lot of time alone at school.
I can think of about two friends I've made this year. One of them only went to Cal Poly for a quarter and then, when he transferred to UCR and lived ten minutes from me, I only hung out with him twice at shows. I could see myself hanging out with him again but he also lives in San Diego so I don't know how likely that will be. The other is a girl I rarely see who also lives farther away than my school is from me so I probably won't see her again until the Fall quarter starts. I keep telling myself I need to work on making friends, but I've always relied on other people for that. The majority of the friends I've been close with, I met through other people.
I don't know how to change. :/
2 comments:
I know what you mean. Strained conversation is the worst. And mustering up the guts to talk to somebody (especially a stranger, especially cute, especially whose opinion of you you value) is super tough--reading this, I wasn't expecting you to go talk to the guitar guy. So good for you for even doing that.
As for the friend situation, I can relate. I hear it's like that for a lot of people at college, particularly commuters like us. I'll have people in classes I talk to in class but never hang out with outside of class. I found Acrobatics Everyday and met a lot of KUCI people through that, and if it wasn't for that I would probably just have Paul and high school friends. So if you can find a group (radio? clubs?) of people with a similar interest to you on campus, like music, try to get involved in that somehow. Plus those types of organizations always want more people to join.
Staying in the house a lot isn't so bad if you can find things to do, like reading or working on your blog (or making polyvores :D). Have you looked into getting a job that has you working with people? That'd get you out of the house, earn you money, and get more social skills/life lessons/etc.
When you are putting off leaving the house, just make yourself do it. You'll feel more productive just because you are doing something that doesn't involve sitting in front of a glowing screen. Do you have a bike? Does your school have a gym? I know that the more I get out and go for a bike ride or work out at the gym, the more clear headed, happy, and healthy I feel. It might be hard to make yourself start something, but once you start something that you know is good for you, you begin to look forward to it.
I hope these friendly words help! I miss you!
xoxo
Thanks Katie :) I miss you too. I really wanna get more involved at school and I know I should but commuting does make it hard. I'm looking for a job right now, at least for the summer and I'm definitely hoping that'll help me meet some people out here. I should probably start riding my bike more, maybe in the early morning or after it gets dark. It's already getting super hot out here. Soon enough I'll have lots of painting and stuff to do inside the house too because we never finished up last summer, so at least I know I've got things to keep me busy. Thanks for all your suggestions though, they're definitely things I want to think more about.
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